


Forward

by fernteeth



Category: Mystic Messenger
Genre: Additional Warnings in Chapter Notes, Angst, Choi Saeran has DID - Dissociative Identity Disorder (not a reference for accurate portrayal), Dealing With Trauma, Descriptions of self-harm, Deviates From Canon, Family Drama, Fluff, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Kidnapping, M/M, Male MC, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Non-Explicit Sex, POV shifts, Past Child Abuse, Sexual Content, Slow Burn, Torture, Unhealthy Relationships, Violence, farmer 707, kinda shifts to slice of life at some point, love doesnt solve everything cheritz, ray is a little creep sometimes, saeran wants an edgy cottagecore bf, tags will probably keep changing till im done with the story, the summary sucks but so do i, there's like slight jumin/mc vibes here but we're gonna ignore that, v crawls under a bus himself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:48:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 34
Words: 91,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23912566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fernteeth/pseuds/fernteeth
Summary: Every day is another step forward, away from the past, away from your problems. Or towards them.Sometimes we have to confront what we've been running away from.
Relationships: 707 | Choi Luciel & Main Character, Choi Saeran/Main Character, Ray (Mystic Messenger)/Main Character
Comments: 29
Kudos: 104





	1. A Postponed Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Wow wow, hello there. Some magical force of the universe must have caused you to stumble upon my humble little work.  
> Quick disclaimers:  
> 1: When I originally started to write this (2 years ago help) I didn't plan on publishing it... so some stuff might seem strange, like the chapter system, which brings me to number 2...  
> 2: This ❤ marks the end of each chapter/a break in the narrative. Length varies.  
> 3: I'm sorry about the obscene amount of chat room text. I write everything on Docs and it looks like a lot less there... please bear with me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow wow, hello there. Some magical force of the universe must have caused you to stumble upon my humble little work.  
> Quick disclaimers:  
> 1: When I originally started to write this (2 years ago help) I didn't plan on publishing it... so some stuff might seem strange, like the chapter system, which brings me to number 2...  
> 2: This ❤ marks the end of each chapter/a break in the narrative. Length varies.  
> 3: I'm sorry about the obscene amount of chat room text. I write everything on Docs and it looks like a lot less there... please bear with me.

Run. Run. Run. My backpack pounds against my spine as I sprint like a maniac towards the apartment parking lot. A stray dog is within lunging distance of my butt, ready to take a bite out of my low quality, second-hand store jeans. 

Ah, yes, you may be wondering how I got here. Well, I’m not sure. This doesn’t happen often. 

‘’I thought we had something!’’ My screech soon gets lost behind me as I make it to the parking lot. I barely manage to not get creamed by a car and wince when the blare of their horn makes my ears ring. Believing I lost the murderous dog, I manage to feign some dignity as I push past the building doors and burst into the lobby. 

Hands on my knees, I lean over and try to catch my breath. ‘’I need to get out more.’’ 

Suddenly, I hear a cough, and it didn’t come from me. I look up, meeting several different pairs of eyes. I straighten, shove my hands in my pockets, hang my head, and try to ignore the gazes as I shuffle to the elevator. 

‘’Young man, are you alright?’’ 

I jump before turning around, facing the man at the desk. With his mouth a thin line and brow deeply furrowed, I wonder what he thinks I was doing. 

‘’Y-yeah, I’m fine,’’ I say, making a gradual backwards retreat to the elevator button. ‘’Just, you know, it’s pretty hot out today.’’ A smile is on my face as I reach a hand behind myself and punch the button. 

‘’It’s winter.’’ 

‘’Global warming, am I right? Okay, have a nice day!’’ I step inside the elevator and press the button for Rika’s floor. The doors inch slowly together, and when they finally close, I collapse to my knees and groan into my lap. 

So, socializing… it isn’t my thing. Except if it’s online. 

‘’Ah, right,’’ I mutter as I reach into my pocket and retrieve my phone. It persevered through the madness long enough to stop pinging. The source of this noise pollution? The RFA. 

I get most of my socializing done on the messenger. 

I’ve been a member of the RFA for a while, V invited me after learning I knew Yoosung, but I’ve never had to talk face to face with any of the members besides the blondie. Quite a few months ago, right before my first party was scheduled to be held, my body decided to contract an illness so I couldn’t attend. 

It wasn’t too bad; I got over it in no time. Besides, I was already vomiting from the anxiety. 

I definitely wouldn’t call them acquaintances even though they don’t know some basic stuff about me. That’s going to change soon, though. 

A few weeks ago, V was spending a suspicious amount of time on the messenger. Come to find out, he wanted to set a date to talk to all of us about meeting up.

And I, of course, always in character, am late to the chatroom.

But, before I get to that, I leave the elevator, walk down the hall, partake in my daily ritual of tussling with Rika’s keypad, and enter her room. I toss my backpack to the side before landing on the bed and opening the messenger.

_You have 1 missed called(s)_

The RFA members just love calling me at the ungodly hours of the night; they assume that I’ll be up burning my retinas. And they’re right. Sometimes. 

I ignore the call log for now and instead skim through my missed chats before reaching the ongoing room. Lo and behold, the subject says Meet Up. I’ve been expecting it, but my heart skips a beat anyways as I open the chatroom.

Yoosung★: Finn~ Hii

Jumin Han: Hello, Finn.

ZEN: Hey Finn. ^^

Finn: Hey guys

707: Yo Finn

707: ur late lolol

Finn: Ehhh, I know, sorry.

ZEN: I think you’re in the clear.

Yoosung★: Ya, V and Jaehee aren’t even here yet ;;

Jumin Han: Assistant Kang will be joining us soon; she is finishing her work.

Finn: Oh ok, that makes me feel better ^^;

707: V should be here soon.

707: Anyways

707: Finn!

Finn: 707!

707: Present ur reason for tardiness lol

Yoosung★: Nooo it’s ok. What if it is something personal, seven?

ZEN: Why’d you have to use ‘tardiness’? lolololol

Finn: Actually

ZEN: Hm?

Finn: The reason I’m late is because

Yoosung★: Oh????

707: Ya lolol?

Finn: I got chased by a dog

Jumin Han: That was anticlimactic.

ZEN: Jumin’s seriously cold. That’s horrible, Finn ;;

Yoosung★: Are you ok?

Finn: Yeah, I’m fine, but it’ll probably be there the next time I pass

707: Try befriending it!

Finn: How? It’s vicious

Jumin Han: You shouldn’t be asking Luciel for advice regarding animals.

Yoosung★: Yeah Finn be careful lololol

707: Got any fried chicken places near the apartment?

ZEN: What’s that got to do with anything…?

Finn: Actually, yeah, I do

Finn: What’s your plan?

707: Simple. Bribe it with food. Works on me lol

ZEN: Do dogs even like fried chicken? ;;

Finn: They’ll eat anything lol

_Jaehee Kang has entered the chat room_

Yoosung★: It isn’t good for them though…

Finn: Hi, Jaehee

Jumin Han: Perhaps you should try wearing the fried chicken

_Jaehee Kang has left the chat room_

Finn: Bye Jaehee?

707: Ohhh~?! Ideas from Jumin lololl

Yoosung★: What’s it supposed to be? Armor or something?

Jumin Han: Or at least carrying it with you until you establish a relationship.

Yoosung★: Oh, did Jaehee leave? Lololololol

ZEN: Guys, you’re scaring her lol

Finn: Thanks for the advice, but let’s talk about something else.

Finn: For Jaehee’s sake lol

_Jaehee Kang has entered the chat room_

Jumin Han: Welcome, Assistant Kang.

707: How goes it~?

Finn: Hiya, Jaehee.

Jaehee Kang: Hello, everyone.

ZEN: Hey~

Jaehee Kang: I apologize for leaving abruptly. I had a sudden onset aneurysm.

Jaehee Kang: I left for a moment to recover

Yoosung★: Uh, what? ;;

Finn: Sorry, Jaehee.

707: lol Jaehee so cruel

_V has entered the chat room_

Jumin Han: V, welcome, now we can start.

Finn: Hi, V. ^^

707: Good, you’re here.

ZEN: Hey, V, glad you could make it

Jaehee Kang: Welcome, V.

V: Hi, everyone.

V: I’ll keep this short. I don’t want to take up too much of your time.

ZEN: Don’t worry. You’re fine.

V: Okay, good. Well, as I mentioned in the past, I’ve thought about all of us getting together.

V: I think it would be nice to meet Finn.

Finn: Mmm, okay. ^^

Jumin Han: Glad we can confirm it.

Yoosung★: Yay~

Jaehee Kang: I look forward to it.

ZEN: Yeah, it’s amazing that I will finally be able to see you in person

707: I agree with Zen

Yoosung★: You’ve already hacked his profile. You know what he looks like. -_-

707: Well so do u Yoosung lol

Finn: True, true. But I agree with Zen too.

V: Also,

V: I was hoping to use this as an opportunity to discuss the next party.

Finn: Oh, wow. Okay!

ZEN: That’s a surprise.

707: Sudden ;;

Jumin Han: Hasn’t it only been a few months since the last one, Jihyun?

Yoosung★: Jumin is right… Haven’t you thought of Finn?

Finn: It’s okay guys

Jaehee Kang: The last party was quite small. I assume we can repeat it again.

V: Yes, that is what I was planning.

707: Finn should OK it though

ZEN: I agree, it is him doing all the work, after all.

V: Of course. Finn, what do you think?

Finn: Sounds good. I’m excited, considering I couldn’t go to the last one.

Jumin Han: Do you have a date for both occasions?

V: I wanted to discuss the party date at a later time.

V: But for the meet up, I was hoping to hold it within a week or so.

V: I’m free, but I don’t know about Jumin, Jaehee or Hyun. I’m still considering where we should host it.

707: lol Yoosung

Yoosung★: -_-

ZEN: I’ll check my schedule and get back to you.

Jaehee Kang: Mr. Han and I will do the same.

Jumin Han: I think we all will look forward to when the date is set.

Finn: Me too. I mean, it’s been a while since I joined.

ZEN: Yeah, and only Yoosung has seen you…

Finn: Well

707: Haha

ZEN: Right, right.

V: Well, I await your responses, but I have to leave now.

V: I look forward to meeting you, Finn.

Finn: You too, V.

_V has left the chatroom_

707: I gotta go too, see u guys there~

_707 has left the chatroom_

Finn: A bit nervous now… ;;

ZEN: Haha ^^ Don’t be, you’ve know us for a while, right?

Yoosung★: Yeah lol. You’ll be fine~

Finn: I don’t want to not be something you all imagined.

Jumin Han: If you are referring to your appearance, then I think no one will mind.

Jaehee Kang: Yes, if you present yourself on the messenger like you do in real life,

Jaehee Kang: then there should be no problem.

Finn: Ah, okay. Thank you.

Jumin Han: And though this might be equally concerning

Jumin Han: Yoosung seems to think you’re a good person, so that means something.

Yoosung★: Should I be offended by that or

Finn: lol thanks Jumin

Finn: Anyways, I hope to get to know you all better.

ZEN: I’m an open book! Ask what you want to know~

Yoosung★: Doing it in person will be better, though.

Jaehee Kang: I don’t think there is much depth to me, but I am happy to hear that, Finn.

Jumin Han: You could have asked us directly.

Finn: I guess… but I want your trust, so I just sort of let it happen.

Jumin Han: Finn, you’re not an outsider anymore. You shouldn’t feel cautious.

ZEN: Yeah, Jumin is right for once.

Yoosung★: We trust you Finn, don’t worry ^^

Finn: Okay, good. Sorry for being so insecure about this stuff.

ZEN: It’s alright~

Jumin Han: Anyways, Assistant Kang and I will be taking our leave. Have a nice day, Finn.

Jaehee Kang: Goodbye.

_Jumin Han has left the chatroom_

_Jaehee Kang has left the chatroom_

Finn: Just Yoosung and Zen now.

ZEN: Just Yoosung soon. I should probably check my schedule and get back to V ASAP.

Finn: Good idea. Bye, Zen!

ZEN: Then.

_ZEN has left the chatroom_

Yoosung★: I’m gonna go too, gotta get stuff out of the way just in case.

Finn: Okay, make sure to eat. Bye.

Yoosung★: Don’t worry. See you!

_Yoosung has left the chatroom_

**R.F.A**

This conversation will be archived in the RFA records,

I hereby agree to treat this conversation as confidential.

_You have 2 new message(s)_

📧 **707**

  * Yeeeeeeeee. Heya, Finn. On a scale from one-ten how excited are you to see me? PM 1:52
  * Seven, lol, we might have to invent a new number. PM 2:00



His question leaves a smile on my face as I open the next message.

📧 **Jumin Han**

  * Just in case you still feel unsure, I want to let you know that we all look forward to meeting you. There isn’t anything to feel nervous about. Though we may have known each other longer than we have known you, you’re still a member of the RFA. PM 1:55
  * Ah, thanks, Jumin. I didn’t mean to put you in the position to comfort me but thank you. PM 2:03



📧 **707**

  * Haha, we’ll have to set a plan to find that new number. But on a more serious note, I hope u aren’t too nervous to meet us all. PM 2:04
  * Eh, a bit, but I’ll be fine ^^ PM 2:06



Sometimes it’s unsettling at how fast Seven can go from his goofy self to a more serious on-topic type of guy.

📧 **Jumin Han**

  * It’s alright. Well, I should talk to V now, have a good afternoon. PM 2:12
  * You too. PM2:14



I roll onto my back and out a sigh while sending my last reply. 

My excitement outweighs my apprehension, but I have this lingering thought that sits in the back of my head.

 _You’ll disappoint them._

Though I didn’t exactly go out of my way to catch a cold, there’s still this feeling of guilt in me for not being at the last party. I was supposed to help out, and one of the RFA members surely had to fill in for me—most likely Jaehee. And even though I was bordering on terrified to attend, I’m also disappointed in myself that I couldn’t be there. 

I sit up and scoot to the edge of the bed, planting my feet on the floor. I check my call log before standing up, and I’m glad that I did, as I would probably have fallen down after seeing who called.

It would be safe to assume it’s one of the chattier members, like Yoosung or Zen, but it’s V. 

Surprisingly, yet almost not, it’s my first call from him. He only seems to be around when he needs to tell us something. It leaves me wondering what I missed.

**❤**


	2. Something Set and Something Learned

It’s the middle of the night when I’m woken by the sharp sound of the messenger’s notifications. There’s an attempt on my part to try and ignore it, assuming it’s one of them messaging me late, yet again. But it keeps going. At least seven more times, if I’m keeping track. 

I can’t stifle a groan as I grope the nightstand for my phone. A hiss leaves my throat as it comes to life, the light blinding me before I turn down the brightness. I blink a few times, clearing my vision, before discovering two things. 

One, it is, in fact, not the middle of the night; it’s only around seven thirty. Two, the members are messaging me for a reason.

Crap.

_You have 9 new message(s)_

All the members—minus V—sent me at least one message. They’re all in the same context, basically asking where I am and that they’re waiting for me. 

I remember lying down when I came home earlier today, but I definitely didn’t plan on falling asleep.

At least for that long. 

The older chat rooms don’t catch my eye like the most recent one. _Date, Time, and Place_ , it’s titled.

707: lol you finally made it

Yoosung★: Finn, I thought we were gonna have to start without you ;;

Jumin Han: Glad you’re here now.

Finn: Aha… Hey guys ;;

ZEN: Hey, Finn.

Jaehee Kang: Welcome.

Finn: Sorry about being late… again.

Finn: I fell asleep.

V: It’s alright. Please take care of yourself. I’m just glad you’re here ^^;

Finn: Did something happen?

707: Zen and Jumin were fighting

Jumin Han: It was nothing. Zen is easily provoked.

Yoosung★: They were arguing about Zen’s cat allergies lolol

Finn: Oh, I see lol

ZEN: Hey! It’s not my fault you’re naturally a jerk. -_-

Jaehee Kang: Mr. Han is rather...

Jumin Han: Rather what, Assistant Kang?

Jaehee Kang: Never mind… I just don’t understand how the argument always escalates

Jaehee Kang: to cats ;;

Yoosung★: lol yeah… it’s kinda weird

Finn: Do some Zen therapy after this, Jaehee.

707: OK, let’s focus, guys. We’re here for a reason

Jumin Han: I never thought I’d hear those words from you.

ZEN: Wow lololol

Yoosung★: Omg. Seven, are you alright? lol

Finn: Seven is right though.

Jaehee Kang: Yes, we don’t want to keep V longer than necessary.

V: It’s alright but thank you.

V: Anyways, I’m here to talk about when and where we are meeting.

V: I discussed where to meet with Hyun and Luciel, and Hyun offered his place. He assured me that we won’t have to deal with any fans, so I agreed.

Finn: Oh, okay. That’s good.

ZEN: I told you guys before that I’m not that famous

707: I think that’s the only thing you aren’t a narcissist about lol

Jumin Han: I have to agree.

Yoosung★: Isn’t Zen’s place kind of small, though?...

Finn: Is it?

Jaehee Kang: Oh, Yoosung is right.

ZEN: It should be able to hold everyone.

V: If it isn’t ideal we can hold it somewhere else.

Jumin Han: No, Zen’s is fine. It’s private and convenient.

V: Alright, then we’ll be holding it at Hyun’s apartment in 3 days. I’ll send you the location, Finn. You should arrive around 5.

Finn: Okay, will do. Thanks V.

V: No problem, please travel safely.

Jaehee Kang: Well, if this is over, I must get going and prepare for our meeting. If I must have the day off, I need to get work out of the way. Will you be coming, Mr. Han?

Jumin Han: Yes, go ahead.

_Jaehee Kang has left the chatroom_

Jumin Han: I’ll be busy for the next few days, so please don’t be bothered by my absence.

Jumin Han: And V

Jumin Han: You should visit the messenger more often.

V: Sure ^^

Jumin Han: Well, goodbye.

Finn: Bye, see you soon.

_Jumin Han has left the chat room_

Yoosung★: Well, I should probably go study, my teachers have been nagging me a lot >< I really don’t want to have a meeting with them at school.

707: ...

ZEN: Um.

Finn: Ah, poor Yoosung.

Finn: You should run.

Yoosung★: ?

ZEN: lolol

707: Are u being serious?

Yoosung★: Ugh! So mean…

707: lolololololol

ZEN: It’s OK, Yoosung. Go have fun lolol.

Yoosung★: Jerks T_T... Anyways, bye Finn

_Yoosung★ has left the chatroom_

Finn: You guys pick on Yoosung like he’s a wounded deer or something.

Finn: Give the kid a break.

707: But it’s fun to tease him. He’s so easy.

ZEN: Haha

Finn: Lol but then you go and diss him about not studying

707: lolol I guess ur right

V: It’s good to see that he’s participating, though.

Finn: Oh, V, you were so silent ;;

ZEN: Oops, didn’t realize he was still here ;;;

V: Haha, well, Luciel and I should get going. I have something to talk about with him.

707: Dang. ;;

ZEN: Bye, Seven. Bye, V, looking forward to seeing you.

V: Mm, you too, Hyun. Have a good evening.

V: You too, Finn.

Finn: Thanks ^^. See you soon.

_V has left the chatroom_

707: See u guys later

_707 has left the chatroom_

ZEN: I would love to stay and chat,

Zen: but my house is a mess and I’d rather you not see it that way.

Finn: lol, alright. I wish you luck in ridding your house of dust bunnies.

ZEN: Thank you. ^^

ZEN: See you soon.

Finn: Yup!

_ZEN has left the chatroom_

**R.F.A**

This conversation will be archived in the RFA records,

I hereby agree to treat this conversation as confidential.

A notification pops up the moment I leave the chat room.

📧 **Jumin Han**

  * Hello, Finn. I wanted to tell you something I forgot to mention in the chatroom. PM 7:43
  * Sure, what is it? PM 7:49
  * It’s nothing to be concerned about, but I wanted you to know that V is having difficulties with his vision. PM 7:52
  * Really? Is this new or?... PM 7:53
  * No, he started having trouble months ago, before you joined. PM 7:53
  * What happened? PM 7:54
  * I don’t want to go too into detail here, but he hasn’t told me what happened. He also refuses to receive any sort of treatment. PM 7:55
  * Oh, that’s not good… PM 7:55
  * He’s quite stubborn. He can get around just fine, but it’ll only get worse. Anyways, I wanted to let you know so you don’t have to find out yourself. PM 7:56
  * Alright, thanks, Jumin. Hope things work out. PM 7:56
  * Yes, me too. Have a good evening. PM 7:57



I lie there for a moment, staring at our conversation. 

V is… not blind but can’t exactly see well. 

It seems Jumin was being pretty vague about it for more reasons than that over IM isn’t the place to discuss it. I’m curious, especially since V makes it seem like he’s still doing photography. What concerns me the most, however, is that V doesn’t want to treat his eyes. He has a reason, no doubt, but I can just feel Jumin’s annoyance through the messages. 

He wants to help his friend, but his friend doesn’t want help. 

I close the messenger and place my phone back on the nightstand. As I shift under my sheets and close my eyes, I try not to think about it too much.

**❤**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be longer


	3. Maybe I Should Buy Some Ginger...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, yes, I know Zen doesn't live in an apartment, shhh.

The sound of my phone, the voices and noises outside, the sizzling of the stove in front of me, I can barely hear any of it.

It’s the day of the meet up and I’m trying to keep my eyes open as I make food in Rika’s cramped kitchen. My phone lies on the counter next to me because I planned on visiting the messenger, but it just sits there. Making noise. 

Why do I have notifications on? 

I lean forward, the counter digging into my stomach, and sigh into my eggs. The moment I really wake up I’m going to start worrying about today, about what I’m going to do wrong, about what could go wrong. 

That’s probably why I stayed in bed till three. 

I’ve already had a few of those thoughts; I wondered if I should call Zen Hyun, or if I should really address V as the twenty-second letter in the alphabet, all while fishing eggshells out of the yolk.

After Zen sent me his address yesterday, I spent a good half of that afternoon staring at it. Memorizing the number, as if I couldn’t open the IM to look at it again. To get over that, I went on the messenger and joined one of Seven and Yoosung’s useless bantering session. Something about Christmas lights strapped to pigeons. 

Dried egg starts to flake away from the pan, and I poke it with my spatula. That probably means it’s done.

I turn off the burner and scrape my food onto a plate, swiping my phone and a fork off the counter before heading to the living room.

Rika doesn’t have too much in her house and it forces me to sit criss cross in front of her coffee table. The lack of functionality makes me wonder how much time she spent here.

After setting the plate down and prodding at my food for a minute, I finally open the messenger. I’m hoping that I can calm my nerves by talking to one of the members, and luckily, both Yoosung and Seven are online.

Yoosung★: No way, it’d take a lot more chickens than that

Yoosung★: Elephants are huge

707: I don’t know. Think about rats, so tiny, yet to vicious

Yoosung★: Aren’t elephants afraid of mice?

707: rats ≠ mice

707: Plus that’s a myth, thought u were a vet Yoosung lol

Yoosung★: Oh, hey Finn ;;

707: Oh

707: lol missed you coming in hi hi

Finn: So, should I ask what you’re talking about.

Yoosung★: Nothing ^^;

707: How many chickens it’d take to kill an elephant.

Finn: Of course.

707: Hey, there aren’t any bad questions

Yoosung★: I think there are…

Finn: No weather chat? Nothing about what you had for breakfast?

707: Nah, too civil

Finn: Anyways…

Finn: You guys ready for later?

707: We should be asking u that lolol

Yoosung★: Yeah, are you still nervous? ;;

Finn: A bit

Finn: Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited, but…

707: Hey, don’t worry, OK? We all may have known each for WAY longer…

Yoosung: Seven

Finn: Seven

707: Sorry. Listen, don’t feel pressured.

707: We’re still the same people, just face to face

707: Just pretend that we were yelling at each other from really far away

707: but now we’re walking closer!

Yoosung★: Seven, I can never tell if you’re helpful or not…

Finn: lol, thanks Seven, I’ll keep that in mind

707: Haha, of course ^^

Yoosung★: ...

Finn: So, what are you guys doing?

Finn: Besides discussing the amount of chickens needed to murder an elephant.

707: I’m finishing up some work before getting ready

Finn: Working even today?

707: Sadly, I’m a slave to my own talent

Yoosung★: I didn’t realize Zen joined the chatroom -_-

Yoosung★: You’re lucky to have a job you like

707: Hmm? HmMm? Did I say that?

Finn: Don’t you enjoy your job?

Yoosung★: Seven T_T don’t start

707: Guess we’ll never know then

Finn: What’re you doing, Yoosung?

Yoosung★: I’m getting ready too!

707: U know, Yoosung, I read a study recently

707: it stated that people who wear blue during a first impression are less likely to be remembered

Finn: Sounds interesting, Seven, I’d love to see the source.

Yoosung★: Too bad, I’m not wearing my hoodie anyways.

Finn: Plus, Yoosung and I already met.

Yoosung★: Yeah!

707: Aw, I keep forgetting that. So unfair

Finn: Hey, if you hurry up and finish your work, you can see me soon.

707: Ah, true. Would make the madam happy too

707: it might keep that taser of his at bay

Yoosung★: What?

Finn: Uh..

707: Alright, bye!

_707 has left the chatroom_

Yoosung★: ;;

Yoosung★: Anyways…

Yoosung★: I should get going, Finn

Finn: Yeah, me too. See you soon ^^

Yoosung★: Yup, bye!

_Yoosung★ has left the chatroom_

**R.F.A**

This conversation will be archived in the RFA records,

I hereby agree to treat this conversation as confidential.

With the messenger closed and my phone off, I shovel cold food into my mouth, thinking about chickens and elephants.

Guess talking to them helped. 

Yesterday, I checked how long it would take to get to Zen’s by bus. While it isn’t a super long trip, our conversation ended at just the right time. I get up mid chew and deposit the plate into the sink, heading to Rika’s closet afterwards. 

I’ve found I can’t bring myself to refer to anything in this apartment as mine, especially not when she still has clothes in her closet. Clothes that still have her perfume threaded into them. They’re shoved to the back for a reason. 

The smell invades my nose, musty, faded, but there, as I pick out an outfit. Said outfit has to be appropriate for winter, a season I often under-dress for. But, despite this planning, I’ll probably still end up freezing.

After dressing, I scour around the apartment for my favorite beanie. It’s hanging out in the bathroom, strung along the towel rack, so I pluck it off and pull it over my head. Ears and hair tucked in, I grab my phone off the coffee table and head to the front door. Winter boots go on my feet before I check the time. There are a few minutes to spare, but they’re best not spent fidgeting in front of the door. 

I’ll just be early. 

I take in a deep breath before opening the door and silently thanking the winter for hitting me in the face with its cold air.

_Chickens and elephants, elephants and chickens._

Maybe the directions to Zen’s house would be a more useful thing to have in mind, though.

**❤**

With a musical ding, the elevator door opens, and I step out into the hall. With its stained, ornate carpet and dull, beige walls, Zen’s complex has a much different atmosphere than Rika’s.

For one, the carpet is an optical illusion, and I turn my attention to my phone to avoid vomiting. 

I’m not convinced Zen’s door won’t magically slip by me, even if I spent the whole way here staring at his apartment number. A quick glance up and then I start down the hall. It doesn’t take me long to realize numbers won’t be needed to figure out where he lives. 

Zen struggles outside his door, brown grocery bags by his feet and propped up on his knee. He just about falls over as he fishes around in his pocket. His lack of balance isn’t what I’m worried about, however. I’m more concerned over whether he’s very late, or I’m very early. 

‘’Need some help?’’ 

He whips his head around, a grimace on his face until a can tumbles out and hits his foot. A string of curses leave his mouth and he slams a fist against his door in defeat. 

‘’Oh, ouch. Um, I’m Finn, by the way.’’ 

‘’Sorry,’’ he heaves out, ‘’I thought you were someone else.’’ I assume he’s apologizing for the nasty look. ‘’But yes, please.’’ 

‘’Alright, no problem.’’ While I gather the bags at his feet, he struggles with the door. A lot of key jingling goes on above me, but he gets it open before I can retrieve the can that hit his foot. 

‘’Well, here it is.’’ His voice becomes muffled as he leaves me in the hall. I scoop up the last can—canned fruit—and stumble inside.

It’s always the smell of someone’s house that hits me first, and Zen’s is no exception. The scent of laundry detergent and beer follow me to the kitchen. Probably covers the dreary scent of mold that lingers under the sink. 

‘’Sorry about this,’’ he starts. He sets his bags on the counter, reaching inside and pulling out item after item. ‘’I thought I was on time, guess not.’’ 

I let the bag in my arms slip down to the counter. ‘’Actually, I’m early.’’ Zen pulls the bag towards him. It’s filled with beer. ‘’I got a bit paranoid, it’s my fault.’’ 

He opens his fridge with a deft kick to bottom. ‘’It’s not a big deal.’’ His voice bounces out as he empties his arms of cold items. ‘’You’re not in my way.’’ 

‘’Good.’’ My toes curl in my shoes. I’m trying not to fiddle with his cabinets out of agitation. 

‘’In fact.’’ His face returns from inside the fridge, a smile. ‘’You’ve been pretty helpful.’’ He holds his hand out and I stare at it for a second. I think he might want to shake my hand, some sort of official greeting, then realize he’s looking from me to the prepackaged salad on the counter. 

Right. 

I hand it over and he disappears behind the fridge door again. 

‘’So,’’ I start. ‘’How have you been doing?’’ 

He lets out a sigh and motions for me to hand him the beer. ‘’I’ve been alright,’’ he says, the fridge finally closed. With the counter cleared off, he props a hand on his hip, rubbing his neck. 

‘’For an actor, you’re a pretty bad liar.’’ 

A smile finds its way to his face. ‘’I think I’ve heard that once or twice.’’ The feet of his dining chair screech against the floor as he pulls it out. He offers me a seat. I slide in and wring my hands together as he sits across from me. 

‘’Then what’s wrong?’’ 

He lets out a sound of hesitance and averts his eyes. ‘’Just, work stuff, you know?’’ He looks back at me. ‘’I haven’t auditioned for a new role in a while, so I’m a bit antsy.’’ Then he shrugs. ‘’Whatever, they can’t resist this face and charm for too long. They’ll find me.’’ He shoots me a wink and I give him an exaggerated eye roll. He smiles in return. 

‘’Everyone has dry spells. I’m sure you’ll find work soon.’’ 

‘’Yeah, thanks, Finn.’’ We sit in a bit of silence after this.

I could be wondering, could be wondering about what Zen is thinking, but I’m mostly struggling to understand why no one is here yet. I dig my phone out of my pocket to check the time. It changes from 4:59 to 5:00 in front of my eyes. It’s really hard to suppress the sigh forming in my chest. 

‘’Zen.’’ His head shoots up. He was staring at his hands. ‘’Is there anything you’d like to ask me?’’ I slide my elbows across the table. ‘’Anything you’d like to know?’’ He smiles again, this time probably at my eyebrow waggle. 

‘’Hmm.’’ There’s a dramatic lean back from him and he looks up to the ceiling, rubbing his chin. ‘’Where’d you grow up?” I must be making a face because he recoils. ‘’If that’s an okay question with you.’’ 

‘’Yeah, it’s fine.’’ My hands wring together again. ‘’I mostly grew up with my aunt, living with her in the country.’’ 

‘’Oh, what was that like?’’ 

‘’It was definitely an experience, though I may have developed a cat allergy from it has a result.’’ He wrinkles his nose and scoffs. Probably thinking of Jumin. ‘’She had about eight cats and forgot all of their names. She was a bit… unhinged at times, so I took care of a lot of the animals and plants. It influenced me quite a bit.’’ 

‘’Really?’’ 

‘’Yeah, I-‘’ 

There’s a knock on the door. A muffled voice finds its way under the crack in the door, hurrying Zen along, calling him ‘pretty boy’. 

‘’That would be Yoosung…’’ Zen throws me a look before sliding out of his chair and heading for the door.

When opened, a shivering Yoosung finds his way inside. His nose and cheeks are bitten red by the cold and small flakes of snow melt in his hair. Lobby heater isn’t working. 

‘’Oh, I heard it was going to snow,’’ Zen says. Yoosung nods and peels off his coat. ‘’Hey, don’t forget to take your shoes off. I don’t want all that water on my floor.’’ 

Yoosung gives a quick huff but reaches down to start sliding off his shoes. ‘’It’s not that heavy out.’’

‘’Doesn’t matter, you should have seen all the cleaning I did this morning,’’ Zen says. ‘’I had forgotten that I even own a broom.’’ He closes the door and heads back to the table. 

‘’Aw, gross, Zen.’’ Yoosung inspects the floor with a distrustful look. 

‘’It’s alright, Yoosung.’’ I wave him over. ‘’I can guarantee you I’m yet to step in any suspicious substances.’’ 

‘’Hey.’’ Zen points an accusatory finger at me as he retakes his seat. I give him a big smile in return. 

‘’Ah, hey Finn.’’ Yoosung mirrors my smile and shuffles over to Zen’s table, feet clad in sky blue socks. He takes a seat next to me, glances down. Probably notices I still have shoes on. ‘’Were you guys in the middle of anything?’’ 

I shrug. ‘’Not really.’’ 

‘’We were talking about Finn’s origins,’’ Zen tells him. 

‘’Oh!’’ This seems to catch Yoosung’s interest. ‘’You’re originally from America, right?’’ 

‘’Yup, grew up with my aunt there.’’

Yoosung leans forward and rests his chin on his arms. His face takes on this kind of awestruck look. ‘’Man, I wish I could travel.’’ He picks at the grains in the table, then his eyes meet mine. ‘’What was it like?’’ 

Zen startles us both when he starts laughing. ‘’You’re real interested in, Finn, aren’t you?’’

Yoosung sits back and scrunches up his brow. ‘’I mean, yeah, that’s why we are here, right?’’

Zen gets this look on his face, his eyes narrow and he seems to be containing a big smile. 

I think I know where this is going. 

‘’Finn.’’ He turns to me. ‘’You should have seen him on the messenger before you joined.’’ My eyes flit between the both of them. Zen’s smile is starting to show through and Yoosung’s frown is faltering. ‘’He was all like ‘Wow, I met this really cool guy at the library! You guys should have seen him! His outfit was really nice and he had piercings and everything. Man, I wish I was as confident as him’.’’ Red starts to blossom under Yoosung’s skin, and I’m sure I look the same. ‘’I swear he had a crush on you or something.’’ 

‘’Zen!’’ Yoosung slams a hand down the table, looking mortified, but it doesn’t stop Zen’s laughter. 

‘’Haha… well, I’m flattered.’’ My hand instinctively goes to my neck. ‘’I would never imagine anyone thinking of me that way.’’ Yoosung’s head is tucked between his arms, so he doesn’t see the smile I give him. 

‘’Finn,’’ he grumbles into the table. ‘’Don’t listen to anything Zen says.’’ 

‘’I know. But, it’s alright if it’s true.’’ I can hardly look at him as he lifts his head. 

‘’Ah, no. Go away, you scare me!’’ Zen pretends to shoo the blond away. 

Yoosung glares at Zen so I don’t have to, but what he said makes my lip twitch. 

‘’Alright, alright. Leave him alone.’’ There’s a knock on the door as I pat Yoosung’s arm in assurance. He takes his phone out of his pocket and grumbles something as he stares down at it. 

‘’Oh, good, I was wondering when someone else was going to get here,’’ Zen says as he gets up to answer the door. 

‘’You good?’’ I ask Yoosung. 

He nods as he tucks his phone back away. ‘’Yeah, I’m fine,’’ he assures me, but his eyes look past me. ‘’Jumin and Jaehee are here.’’

Jumin stands in the doorway, Jaehee peeking around him. When her eye catches mine I smile and give her a wave. She offers an awkward nod in return, attempting to slip past Jumin, who’s already arguing with Zen. 

‘’Shoes off, Han,’’ he spits out, wrinkling his nose. 

‘’Of course.’’ Jumin obliges, slipping off his oxfords, but he pays little attention to Zen. He nods when he sees me, then his gaze goes down. ‘’I can’t help but feel you’re discriminating against me Zen.’’ 

Zen, not sure what he means, only rolls his eyes and closes the door as Jumin heads towards the table. He, of course, inspects the house with a critical eye before taking a seat.

It takes a lot of self-restraint not to look under the table and see what his socks look like. I imagine cats. Paw prints maybe. He’s already dressed so casually, I wouldn’t put it past him. 

‘’Jaehee, take a seat.’’ Zen motions her over after he returns to his spot. She stands in front of his couch, hands together and seeming unsure. I think if I were to touch her she would fall over like a plank of wood. 

‘’I would, but I noticed that there are only six seats.’’ Of course she did. ‘’I’m afraid someone won’t have anywhere to sit.’’

There’s then a knock at the door. Surprisingly, Seven’s punctuality is similar to Jaehee’s and Jumin’s.

Zen gets up once again and opens the door to let V and Seven inside. Like Yoosung, they have snow still melting in their hair. 

Zen greets them with much more vivacity than he did Jumin. ‘’Looks like we can officially start.’’

‘’Dang, Zen, is the heating in this whole place broken?’’ Seven comments and pulls his coat closer to himself. ‘’Even Jumin and Jaehee still have their coats on.’’ 

‘’Erm, yeah, I don’t know what’s going on,’’ Zen admits. He then proceeds to make Seven take his shoes off, V following suit despite Zen’s protests. Once everyone has taken their seats-- Yoosung and I next to each other, Seven across from me, Jaehee across from Yoosung, and V and Jumin at the ends-- Zen has nowhere to sit. He doesn’t appear to be bothered, though, and props himself against his kitchen counters. 

‘’Pleased to make your acquaintance, Mr. Finn.’’ Seven mimics tipping a hat off to me. 

I bow as far as I can. ‘’It’s an honor, God 707.’’ 

Jaehee grumbles, ‘’Please, save that for the messenger.’’ 

‘’It’s nice to see you too, Jaehee.’’ Seven grins at her, but she doesn’t so much as twitch her lips in return. 

‘’Yes, well, I think I’ll save my comments on you, Luciel.’’ She looks at me. ‘’However, it _is_ nice to see you, Finn.’’ 

It’s hard not to smile back at her, with her big turtleneck and rosy, winter-bitten cheeks. ‘’Thanks, you too.’’ 

‘’Yes,’’ Jumin joins in, catching my attention. ‘’I have to agree with Assistant Kang.’’ The blatant way his eyes run me up and down makes my fears from earlier jump to the front of my mind.

 _Not good enough_. 

‘’Don’t mind him, Finn.’’ My neck practically cramps with the vigor I put into whipping around to face that voice. ‘’I think Jumin’s just a bit surprised at your attire.’’ V rubs the condensation off his shades, a soft smile on his face. 

‘’Oh, uh, was I that obvious?’’ 

Seven answers for him, ‘’A bit.’’ 

Zen scoffs from behind me. ‘’Don’t pay attention to him, Finn, you know how he is.’’ 

‘’I apologize, Finn,’’ Jumin says, ignoring Zen. ‘’I was thinking back to when Yoosung first described you on the messenger. My curiosity wasn’t meant to be so evident.’’ 

I find myself fidgeting with my industrial piercing. ‘’It’s alright.’’ I shouldn’t get so worked up about it. ‘’Though, I would expect someone like you to have better manners.’’ There’s a few snickers around the table at my poking. 

Jumin nods. ‘’That is more than fair.’’ 

‘’So,’’ Seven starts, ‘’what were you guys talking about before we got here?’’

My hands go back onto the table. ‘’I was telling Zen and Yoosung about where I grew up, but if you all don’t mind, I’d like to discuss the party some first.’’ 

Heads turn to V. 

He clears his throat. ‘’Of course, I--’’ 

Yoosung butts in before he can go on, ‘’Is there really that much to discuss? We’ve done this before.’’ 

Jaehee’s there to denote what he said a second later. ‘’Yes, Yoosung, there is.’’ She pushes her glasses up her nose. ‘’There’s the venue to reserve, the decor and refreshments to pay for, the theme to consider, and not to mention the time needed to find appropriate guests.’’ 

‘’Um, yes, that’s right, Jaehee, thank you.’’ It’s hard to see V’s expression from behind his shades, but I’m guessing he’s sweating. ‘’However, I’ll get in contact with the previous venue and services we used, so there’s only really the theme to think about.’’ 

The attention turns to me now. 

‘’Actually, I’ve already thought about it. If it seems decent, I was thinking about holding a garden themed party…’’ The only person I can look at while saying this is V. 

‘’Would that require a venue change?’’ Jumin asks. 

‘’No, the last place will work fine. I just don’t know if that suits any of your tastes.’’ 

‘’Hey, that’s not a bad idea,’’ Zen adds. ‘’V, you have a lot of natured centered work, right?’’ 

‘’I do.’’ V nods.

‘’I’m into whatever,’’ Seven says. 

Yoosung and Jaehee voice their agreement, leaving Jumin as the last. 

‘’Plants, huh?’’ He runs a hand through his dark hair, tossing me a glance. ‘’I didn’t peg you for that type.’’

How am I supposed to respond to that? My attention turns to my hands, hoping my hair will cover my hot face.

 _I_ _t’s okay_ . _It’s okay_. 

‘’I don’t believe we have contacts with any botanical or agriculture groups,’’ Jaehee muses.

Jumin brushes off her concerns, ‘’We’ll look into that at a later time.’’ I’m pretty sure everyone at the table can hear Jaehee grumble to herself about sleepless nights.

‘’So, since V will be in charge of the date, and we’ve gotten the theme out of the way, does that mean we can back to Finn’s origin story?’’ Seven sends me a playful wink. I bite my cheek.

‘’Yes,’’ V says. ‘’If nobody has any concerns.’’

Apparently they don’t, because the questions come rushing at me. More than I can handle, but one particularly stands out to me. Maybe because it hits a sore spot.

_’Are you in school?’’_

My toes curl in my shoes again, there’s something that makes my stomach stir, but I force myself to keep my head up.

‘’No. Since I graduated high school, I haven’t really slowed down enough to consider it. And after moving around so much, I just gave up on the idea.’’

‘’Yeah, I can get where you’re coming from,’’ Zen tells me. ‘’It’s definitely looked down on, but you don’t need to go to school to be successful.’’

‘’Geez, if I knew my life was going to be stable in the future, I for sure wouldn’t be in school.’’ Yoosung lets out a big sigh that disturbs his bangs.

’You’re still so young, Finn. Perhaps you’ll have a change of heart.’’ Jaehee gives me a sympathetic smile. 

‘’Ha, Jaehee, you talk as if we’re so far apart. I’m only twenty-three.’’ I let my elbows slide onto the table and prop my chin up on my hands. ‘’Even if I were to go, I have no idea what it would be for.’’ I’m quick to fill the silence I get from this. ‘’Anyways, I’m lucky to have a job I like, and a place to sleep. Part of that I can thank you for, V.’’ 

His lips curl up into a small smile. ‘’It’s nothing.’’ 

No, it’s really not. 

‘’I think that’s an optimistic out-look on life, Finn. However, if you ever find trouble in your current occupation, C&R always has openings. We won’t be going anywhere anytime soon.’’ 

‘’Yeah, and you’re psychic,’’ Zen scoffs. 

‘’I’ll pretend you didn’t speak, Zen.’’ Jumin offers him a bored look over my shoulder. 

‘’Hey, I hope you aren’t pawning my internship offer off to Finn,’’ Yoosung says. ‘’Ah, not that you wouldn’t deserve it, Finn,’’ he adds quickly. 

‘’No, that was specifically for you,’’ Jumin reassures him. 

‘’Ah, well, now that I think of it.’’ Yoosung furrows his brow a bit. ‘’Maybe it’s best I don’t think about it anymore. Especially with how Jaehee looks.’’ He throws a sympathetic look her way.

My head immediately goes down and I dig my teeth into my cheek. 

‘’Excuse me?’’ She sounds baffled. My desire to see her expression almost outweighs my respect for her. Jumin and Seven don’t seem to have that problem though; I can hear some restrained chuckles from them. 

‘’So, Jumin, how is Elizabeth 3rd?’’ I’m desperate to redirect the conversation before it can escalate. But, I hear feet slap against the ground behind me, and when I turn, Zen is pulling a drink out the fridge. 

‘’Could we talk about anything other than that damn cat?’’ 

‘’Finn asked a question, Zen, I think it’s best not to be rude to your guests.’’ Jumin seems more than happy to oblige to my request. Zen slams the fridge shut and I hear the pop of a lid. 

‘’Want one, Jaehee?’’ I look back to see him gesturing a beer her way. 

‘’Ye-’’ Jumin gives her the smallest glance. ‘’Yes… I would, but I have work tomorrow.’’ 

‘’Poor, Jaehee, never able to indulge.’’ Seven is the only one to sympathize with her. ‘’But, we’re off topic here. I thought I heard Elly’s name being spoken?’’ 

Jumin clasps his hands together on the front of the table and sends Seven a quick glare, speaking like he never heard him, ‘’Elizabeth 3rd the third in terms of physical well-being is doing excellent. Her coat gleams like always, but her mental state is unbeknownst to me.’’ His attention is now on me, gray eyes suddenly making me feel like I’m shrinking in my seat. ‘’She has been restless lately and all my efforts to calm her have been fruitless. Perhaps I’m spending too much time away from home.’’ 

‘’Mr. Han, please don’t tell me you are considering not coming into work,’’ Jaehee pleads with her boss. 

‘’I’ve not decided yet,’’ Jumin says.

A sudden clink makes me jump--Zen slamming his beer bottle--and I turn around to look at him, or rather, he comes up behind me and places his hands on the back of my chair. 

He points a finger at Jumin. ‘’Don’t even think about dumping stuff onto Jaehee just because you want to be with your precious furball. She’s probably just tired of being stuck in that place.’’ He directs his harsh look to Yoosung now. ‘’Right, Yoosung? You’re the vet here.’’ 

Yoosung looks very unprepared. ‘’U-uh, Zen, that’s...’’ He tugs at his hair clip. ‘’I mean, you might be right. Cats are energetic and curious.’’ 

Before Zen can gloat to Jumin, V settles the situation. ‘’Hyun, thank you again for letting us hold this at your house.’’ 

Zen seems to relax at V’s words, seemingly forgetting about Jumin for now. ‘’Of course, it’s no problem.’’ He averts his gaze to Jumin, face going all stoney again. ‘’As long as this jerk over here can keep his cat obsession under wraps.’’

‘’Zen, I was the one who asked about her, sorry.’’ I try to keep Jumin from taking the brunt of the blame, but it seems like Zen has an exception for me, because his face softens when he looks down at me. 

He sighs. ‘’It’s alright.’’ He heads back to the counter, hoisting himself up and crossing his arms. ‘’I’ll forgive you this once.’’ 

I know he’s joking but an awkward laugh leaves me anyways. ‘’Sorry, Jumin. Guess we’ll have to discuss Elly later.’’ 

‘’Seems so.’’ 

‘’Hey!’’ Seven gasps. ‘’Jumin, did you not hear him? How come he gets to call her--’’ A loud beeping cuts him off. ‘’Ah, sorry, that’s mine.’’ He pulls his phone out of his jacket pocket and frowns. ‘’Zen, where’s your bathroom?’’ 

‘’Down the hall, door on the right,’’ Zen says. 

‘’Thanks, I’ll be right back.’’ He gives a little wave and walks off. 

‘’What’s that about?’’ Yoosung asks. V shakes his head. Everyone knows we aren’t going to get anymore than that. In an effort to keep the conversation flowing, Jaehee asks Zen about his acting. 

‘’Mmm, it’s been alright.’’ He shrugs. 

‘’Do you still practice lines by yourself?’’ she asks. Jaehee has been more than willing in the past to help him out, but he always declines. Probably because he feels bad for all she has to do. He doesn’t know that it would fulfil one of her long time dreams. 

‘’Yup.’’ He looks proud of himself. ‘’It’ll stay that way for some time, I’m sure.’’ 

‘’You could ask Seven to build you a robot to help out,’’ I jokingly suggest. 

He tells me, ‘’And here I thought you were going to be sensible.’’ I’m about to return his sarcastic comment when V stands up. My mouth clamps shut. 

‘’Could I speak to you for a moment, Finn?’’

I give the other members a once over.They all look as confused as I am. 

‘’Sure.’’ He starts to head to the hall where Seven disappeared, and I tail behind. 

‘’Sorry to pull you away,’’ is the first thing he says. 

‘’It’s alright. What’s wrong?’’ 

‘’Oh, no, no. Nothing’s the matter, not really.’’ He tugs at his sleeve for a minute and looks around the short hall. Of course, he can’t look too long, Zen has nothing on his walls. ‘’I just wanted to let you know that some mail might be coming to the apartment soon.’’ 

‘’Oh, uh, is it addressed to you or…?’’ I’m struggling to find the problem with this. 

‘’No. It’s for Rika. I forgot to wrap up a few loose ends after she… after her departure. I don’t want you to be startled.’’ 

Though soft, his words rub me the wrong way. I think it’s the tension I feel around him, the tip-toeing everyone does when he’s around, that makes my reply a bit too sharp.

‘’V, I wouldn’t look through your mail.’’ 

His arms are quick to go up, waving away my words. ‘’Finn! No, no that’s not what I meant to imply. I know things about R--’’ A creak from behind makes me spin around, stopping V mid sentence. Guilty, framed eyes peek out from Zen’s bathroom door. 

‘’I swear I wasn’t eavesdropping,’’ Seven says. He tucks his hands in his pockets and shuffles past V and I, avoiding our eyes. 

‘’Like I was saying,’’ V resumes, ‘’I know things about Rika are a bit tense, so I wanted to warn you. I trust you, Finn, I know you are a respectful person.’’ And then I feel bad about what I said. 

_Calm down, this is just V_.

‘’Okay, thank you for the heads up.’’ 

‘’Of course.’’ His words mark the end of our little conversation.

It’s only after I retake my seat that I realize that is what he must have been trying to call me about. There’s already this feeling of guilt swirling around in me, something I know will keep me up tonight. It’ll flick me over and over, forcing me to think about it. Distracting me, like it’s doing now. I don’t even notice Jumin staring at me, but the way Seven responds to this makes me think I must look horrid. 

‘’With a single stare, Jumin Han can make anyone, men and women alike, tremble with fear,’’ he says. ‘’Some say he’s even turned people to stone.’’ 

I don’t miss a beat. ‘’If that was true, I think Zen would have become a décor piece for Jumin’s office long ago.’’ This seems to go over well with most of the members. 

Most. 

Jumin still bores holes into me when I glance at him, inciting him to avert his eyes to V. I don’t think for one second V is just a simple totem for distraction. 

‘’Hey, Seven, what was that call about? Are you just too popular for your own good?’’ My question cuts through the laughter. 

Seven’s face falls. ‘’Right, I was gonna say something about that.’’ His hands that just left his pockets are shoved back in. ‘’I got a call from the agency, and considering it’s my day off…’’ No one’s really sure what to say to this. He’s talking to V, anyways. 

‘’So, you have to leave?’’ Yoosung asks. 

‘’Yeah, sorry, guys.’’ His face brightens back up. ‘’Duty calls!’’ He pushes his chair in and puts a hand on V’s shoulder as he rises from his seat. ‘’Gotta take V with me, too.’’ 

V gives us all an apologetic nod. ‘’I’m sorry, if I knew this would happen I would have come here on my own.’’ 

‘’It’s alright.’’ Zen dismisses his apology. ‘’I’m just glad we could all meet up.’’ 

‘’Yes,’’ Jaehee agrees. ‘’Besides it’s getting a tad late.’’ She looks down to her watch and frowns, sparing a peek towards Jumin. 

‘’What, really, what time is it?’’ I ask. 

‘’8:29, approximately.’’ 

‘’Oh, geez, I hav--’’ I’m interrupted by the unexpected inception of a obscenely loud K-pop song. Well, it’s not that loud, but the silence around me amplifies it. ‘’U-uh, sorry.’’ For the second time today, my face begins to burn. My phone is only doing its job, however. 

I plunge a hand into my pocket and turn off the alarm. 

8:30.

Money is more important than sanity, that’s why I have to go to work early tomorrow. Slipped my mind. 

Because confused faces are still pointed in my direction, I clarify, ‘’That’s my equivalent of Seven’s call.’’ 

‘’Well, it cannot be helped.’’ Jumin stands before I can. He brushes his jeans off and adjusts the collar of his jacket. 

I follow suit, tucking some loose strands of hair back into my beanie. V and Seven have walked past us in the meantime. 

‘’Alrighty, see you guys later.’’ Seven waves at everyone. ‘’And Finn, maybe we can have a chat about our favorite groups in the future.’’ He seals my embarrassment with a wink, then walks out of sight. 

V hesitates. He adjusts a few buttons on his coat and says, ‘’It was nice to finally see you, Finn. I hope we can see more of each other.’’ 

‘’Me too, V.’’ With one last smile he steps out into the nauseating hall, disappearing from sight. The door stays ajar. 

‘’Well, guess I should head out too.’’ Yoosung slips out of his chair and stretches. ‘’I got some gaming to do.’’ His mitted hands come back down in a fist pump. 

Zen sighs and hops off his counter to nudge his friend. ‘’Not too long, yeah?’’ 

Yoosung sticks his tongue out at him. ‘’As if you care.’’ He heads my way with a determined look on his face. ‘’I can’t wait for the party, Finn. It’ll feel really whole with you there. Try not to get sick, okay?’’ 

I give him a good flick on the shoulder. ‘’I should be the one scolding you.’’ I get sight of his tongue as he walks away, nonetheless, I wave. ‘’Bye.’’ 

‘’Bye!’’ he says. 

Jaehee is the next person I plan to say bye to, but she’s talking with Zen, so that leads me to Jumin. He’s edged himself over to the door, but clearly he’s waiting for something. It’s definitely more uncouth than I’d like, but I nod at him. 

‘’Good to see you. I guess the next time we’ll meet will be at the party.’’

‘’Yes, likewise. And about said party, feel free to ask for assistance. Now excuse me.’’ He bids a somewhat prompt goodbye to Jaehee and Zen and leaves me standing in Zen’s door frame. Thankfully, him and Jaehee part and I move aside to let her out. 

‘’Bye, Jaehee!’’ I call out to her. 

She turns and smiles. ‘’A pleasure.’’ Then she’s on her way. 

‘’Wasn’t so bad, was it?’’ Zen’s smirking face is much closer to mine than I remember.

I roll my eyes. ‘’No, it wasn’t. Thanks again for the encouragement. I probably would have crumpled under my weight had it not been for you guys… as embarrassing as that is.’’ 

‘’No problem. That’s what friends are for.’’ He settles his hand on my shoulder. ‘’Ask if you need help with anything, alright? I’m sure I’m the only one in the RFA who knows next to nothing about plants and gardens, but I’ll try my best.’’ 

‘’Thank you, Zen. Really. Especially for having us all here.’’ 

He shakes his head. ‘’Not a big deal. Get home safe, alright? See ya on the messenger.’’ His hand leaves my shoulder and rests on his doorknob. 

‘’See ya.’’ The door closes with a soft click. 

The thoughts return. 

‘’Shut up, shut up,’’ I mutter under my breath. ‘’I’ll deal with you when I get home.’’ In the elevator, my teeth dig into my cheek, and as the familiar sinking feeling of dropping down stirs in my stomach, I know my mind might not go elsewhere tonight. 

And it pisses me off. 

There’s no way I’ll let this day be ruined. I duck my head when leaving the elevator, ignoring the lady that greets me goodnight in the lobby, and stepping out into the winter night. Cold, it’s just too cold, but it’s my fault for not layering. Maybe if I hadn’t been so distracted. 

I rub my shoulders and push forward, stopping at the curb and watching as my breath billows around my face. It drifts upward, dissipates, but it guides my eyes to the stars. 

I wish I didn’t think about what could go wrong. 

The wind whistles in my ears and I shut my eyes, tasting blood. I almost don’t hear my name being called. 

‘’Finn.’’ His voice is familiar, so I don’t know why I jump. 

‘’Jumin, you’re still here?’’ 

‘’Yes, seems my driver is late.’’ He shuffles over to me with his hands in his coat pockets. 

‘’Oh, okay. By the way, you kinda left too quick. I wanted to thank you for coming,’’ I tell him. ‘’I know it was probably way out of your comfort zone.’’ 

‘’Yes… I’m not too proud to deny that. But there was a very good reason to come.’’ 

‘’H-haha, um, thank you.’’ There’s a lull in the world as snow begins to fall. Small, delicate crystals, and backdrop of repose to fully admire them. I lift my face up and feel them fall against my cheeks, then the wind picks up and tugs at my clothes. It’s like it’s asking why I’m still here, telling me to run along. But I can’t. Something feels incomplete. 

‘’Finn.’’ Jumin closes the distance between us to be heard over the wind. ‘’Are you intimidated by me?’’

There it is. 

Something incomplete, the prickling feeling of a question lingering in the air. Yet, it still catches me off guard.

‘’Excuse me?’’ 

‘’I couldn’t help but notice your behaviour,’’ he elucidates. ‘’The way you talk and look at the others, especially towards me.’’ A bit of movement catches my eye, I don’t turn to face it. He doesn’t need to see the way my lips twitch. 

An apology is at the tip of my tongue, but I swallow it. ‘’Is that a problem?’’ 

He clicks his tongue. His hands leave his pockets. ‘’It’s not an insult towards your character, I’m simply concerned,’’ he says. ‘’Though you have proven yourself capable of managing the RFA, I still wonder about your ability to do so publicly.’’ Suddenly, I don’t feel so cold. He goes on, ‘’I hope this isn’t overstepping, but you remind me of someone who used to work for me. Jittery, eyes flitting everywhere, like a child caught with his hand in a cookie jar. He would keep ginger candies with no matter where he was.’’ 

After a deep breath, I turn to him. His face, one that gives away nothing, meets mine in an instant. I’m glad I took a breath before holding his placid, grey gaze. ‘’Listen, I know you’re concerned about the RFA’s image, that’s fine, I understand that. I’ll admit I get nervous, more often than not.’’ I take a step closer. ‘’But I’m not someone who just gives up and walks out.’’ The vapor from our breath mingles. ‘’Sorry if I gave you that impression, but I’ll remind you of your encouragement on the messenger. Was that all some farce? Or has seeing me in person changed your view of me?’’ 

‘’Fi--’’

I put a hand out. 

‘’I’m not intimidated by you, Jumin Han. Don’t think you’re the only person that notices things. I saw the way you looked at me, so enough of this bullshit.’’ By the time I spit out my last words, my hands are clenched by my sides and I’m sure my face has taken on some color. I expect Jumin to hurl out something in response, but he doesn’t. He smiles. 

_Smiles_. 

It’s small, I almost don’t see it, but it’s there. 

‘’I apologize, I’ve stepped out of line. The words I wrote on the messenger were not hollow,’’ he says. ‘’I meant them. Perhaps I was expecting someone different, despite what I said.’’ A bright light illuminates his face, the faintest smile that still lingers. Then the light begins to crawl across the pavement towards us. 

He looks over. ‘’That would be my ride.’’ He steps to the edge of the curb, glances over his shoulder. ‘’You’re an interesting man, Finn. I look forward to seeing what you make of this party.’’ His car pulls up next to him and he reaches for the handle. It shudders under his weight as he slides in. ‘’Have a goodnight.’’ He pulls the door close and all I can see for a moment is my face, reflected back at me, and then the car drives away, asphalt crackling under its wheels. I’m left wondering what just happened, but my shivering hurries me along to the bus stop.

❤


	4. I Don't Get Paid Enough for This

‘’Gross, gross, _gross_.’’ 

The bathroom floor is water and wet pages, toilet overflowing and spilling on my shoes. 

‘’For fuck’s sake, this is the second time this week.’’ My shoes make a sickening sound as I lean in closer, plunging a hand into the toilet.

_It’s just water, it’s just water…_

A small romance novel comes back in my hands, sopping wet with torn pages. 

Apparently the Fire’s of Love aren’t water resistant. 

I back out of the stall and shake excess water off the book and my shoes. Miyoung, the old librarian with salt and pepper hair, definitely would not appreciate toilet residue on the library floors. I set the book down on the closest table-- one nobody is occupying-- and then peek through the bookshelves. 

‘’Cade,’’ I hiss. A familiar head of dark hair whips around. Through the cracks I can see him arch an eyebrow. I whisper, ‘’The title flusher struck again.’’ 

He clenches his fists, silently screams, hangs his head then joins me by the bathroom. ‘’What is it this time?’’ he asks. 

Without looking, I gesture over to the table. ‘’A romance.’’ He cringes. ‘’Should I tell Miyoung?’’

‘’No, no, I’ll do it. Get Jinho for me, though, okay?’’ 

‘’Alright.’’ A sympathetic smile is all I can really offer him as I head across the library. 

When he’s not cleaning shredded paper, baby drool, and the occasional dropped peanut butter sandwich, Jinho is usually playing checkers on the computer. Says it keeps his aging brain from failing. Sure enough, I find him with one hand on his chin and the other on a mouse. 

‘’Aye, old man. Toilet is clogged again.’’ 

The window he had open closes as he jumps out of his skin. ‘’Don’t sneak up on me like that!’’ he snaps. ‘’Thought you were Miyoung.’’

‘’Everyone knows you take breaks on the computer, Jinho.’’ 

He stands up and pushes in his chair, a thoughtful look on his face. ‘’Really? Could’ve sworn I was good at hiding it,’’ he mumbles. ‘’Anywho, what’d ya say?’’

I gesture a thumb over my shoulder. ‘’Toilet is clogged.’’ 

He sighs and rubs his neck. ‘’Damn, again? What is it this time?’’ 

‘’Another book. Oddly romance again. I can’t tell if someone is spiteing us or the genre.’’ The last book had a tan, muscled man on the cover, probably a werewolf, and might have deserved to be drowned. ‘’Use your forward thinking to find the culprit.’’ 

He rolls his eyes. ‘’You’re a real comedian,’’ he tells me as we part ways. I wish him good luck and he puts a hand up in thanks.

When heading to the front of the library, I try to avoid being within sight of the checkout counter. But Miyoung must have anticipated my dodge-y behavior, because even though she’s chewing out Cade as loud as loud can be in a library, her eye catches mine. She motions me over with a pointed, boney finger. I have to pretend I don’t shiver. 

‘’Mr. Vorobyov.’’ She refuses to call us by our first names. ‘’I’d like you and Mr. Williams to keep an eye on who enters the bathroom.’’ From the corner of my eye, I can tell Cade is having a hard time staying serious. ‘’We can’t afford to let this keep happening, and I’m sure you both know that. I suggest you both keep an eye out unless you’d like to purchase and catalog the replacement books.’’

‘’We’ll do just that, Mrs. Miyoung,’’ Cade says. ‘’May I ask what you’re going to do about the damaged book?’’ Said book lies on the counter in front of her, placed on a few paper towels.

She huffs. ‘’I’ll see if I can dry it out. I don’t think it’s too immoral to sell it at the book sale.’’ Her eyes jerk to me. ‘’How are the posters coming along, Mr. Vorobyov?’’

‘’Fine, they’re fine. I’m almost finished. Got distracted with… you know.’’ I look at the book.

‘’Alright, good. Those need to be finished this week. I’ll leave you to it.’’ She waves her hand at me, my signal to get back to work.

My mess of a project is spread out on the largest table available, color and markers scattered everywhere, glitter vomiting all over the place. In the corner of a table, in a not-so-neat pile, are the poster designs I’ve abandoned. It took me a few tries until I was satisfied, but after a break and a couple hours spent sorting and checking out books, I got it down. 

_Ko-yo Public Library, Winter Book Sale. Monday to Tuesday, 9am-8pm. Donations are welcome_.

I’m never doing calligraphy again. 

‘’I don’t think there are enough snowflakes.’’ Cade’s sarcastic comment comes from over my shoulder.

‘’Me neither, I was also thinking of adding some snowmen in.’’ 

He sits down in the seat beside me. ‘’Hey, you’re pretty good at drawing.’’ 

I shrug. ‘’Drew a lot when I was younger.’’ 

He chuckles. ‘’I knew you were artsy. You have that classic art student look to you, eye bags, piercings, lots of baggy clothing.’’ 

‘’You always know what to say.’’ 

He ignores my scowl and takes the poster in his hands. ‘’I can copy it for you, if you want.’’ He looks up at me. 

‘’No, it’s alright.’’ 

‘’Come on, you have all this to clean up.’’ 

‘’It--’’ 

He stands. ‘’I insist. I’d rather not be the weirdo on bathroom duty.’’ 

I stifle a laugh for his sake. ‘’Alright, fine.’’ 

‘’Thanks.’’ He walks off and leaves me to the disaster that is the table in front of me. 

I start by dragging a trash can over, sweeping all the scraps in, which includes a lot of blue glitter.

I’ll be finding it all over Rika’s apartment for weeks.

Then markers, pencils, and glue go back in their containers, all snapped closed and deposited back to the front counter. I drag the trash can back to the front of the library and try not to take notice of Miyoung’s sour face. 

‘’All done,’’ I tell her. 

She nods and pauses the clicking at her computer. ‘’A young man came in while you were in the back. Blond, had that lifeless student look in his eyes, I think he came here once before. Yoosuk, was it? Anyhow, he asked for you.’’ 

‘’Oh, okay, thanks.’’ Yoosung usually mentions when he’s going to stop by, but I learned the hard way not to leave my phone on while at work. ‘’Did you see where he went?’’

'’Graphic novels.’’ 

Of course. 

On my way to the very much neglected comic shelves, I fish my phone out of my pocket and open the messenger. When I don’t find him there, I resort to finding him via chat room. 

_You have 2 new message(s)_

Jumin Han: So… you’re reading a light novel now?

Yoosung★: Don’t make fun of me!

ZEN: lol Yoosung

Jaehee Kang: I think it’s the polite thing to do, Yoosung.

Yoosung★: Thanks Jaehee ;;

Jumin Han: Speaking of which, welcome, Finn.

ZEN: Finn~ Yoosung is stalking you

Finn: Wha-

Yoosung★: Please don’t listen to him

Jaehee Kang: Yoosung was telling us that he went to the library

ZEN: Willingly

Jaehee Kang: And saw you were busy, so he wasn’t sure if he should approach you

Finn: Oh, I see lol. 

Finn: Yoosung, you can come say hi whenever. It gets lonely T_T

Jumin Han: He said you were dealing with glitter.

_707 has entered the chat room_

Finn: Yeah, I was designing a poster. For a book sale.

707: aye peoples

ZEN: Use proper grammar, please.

Finn: Heya

707: naw

Yoosung★: Hey, seven

Jumin Han: A book sale? At a library? Seems counterintuitive.

Jaehee Kang: It’s very common, Mr. Han.

707: Oohoohoo, it’s been a while since I’ve read a good book

Finn: Yup. We’re selling old and donated books to make a bit of a profit.

Finn: Speaking of which, if any of you have any books you don’t want

Finn: I’ll gladly take them.

ZEN: I think I might have some tucked away somewhere…

Jaehee Kang: I tried out romance novels in the past

Jaehee Kang: Let’s just say they weren’t my taste, I'd be willing to donate them.

707: lol, Jaehee. Too heated for u?

Jaehee Kang: I was mostly disturb by the use of certain adjectives…

Yoosung★: Yikes. 

Jumin Han: I’ll go through my bookshelves tonight.

707: Same.

Finn: Thank you!

Yoosung★: I don’t think I have anything lol

Finn: That’s alright.

Finn: Oh, by the way, I’m looking for you.

Yoosung★: …

Yoosung★: I’m in the kid’s section

707: lmao why Yoosung

ZEN: Lolool, you miss the good old days, Yoosung?

Yoosung★: Shut up! The chairs are awesome!

Finn: I can attest to that

Finn: Aha, I see you.

Finn: Reading The Tortoise and the Hare, huh?

Yoosung★ has left the chat room

Jumin Han: You’ve run him off.

707: Wow

ZEN: Wish I could see his face right now lmao

Finn: Oops… gotta go, see you guys.

**R.F.A**

This conversation will be archived in the RFA records,

I hereby agree to treat this conversation as confidential.

‘’So you’re into Shōjo, huh?’’

Yoosung’s face flushes with color. ‘’N-no…’’ He picks up the manga at his feet and shoves it into his backpack. The smirk I give him encourages him to clear his throat and stand up, tense and awkward. He slings his backpack over his shoulders and fidgets with the straps.

‘’Did you come here to study?’’

The color in his face drains away. ‘’Geez, yeah, I forgot.’’ He lets his arms go limp at his sides as he groans. ‘’Guess I should get on that.’’

‘’Okay, if you need anything, I’ll be here.’’

He gives a halfhearted nod. His head seems to rock back and forth on his slumped shoulders. ‘’Mmm, thanks.’’

He turns to go, but something tugs at my sleeve, and I call out to him. ‘’Hey, wait. I get off early today, so if you’re still here later, we can visit Tsuki Hana Cafe. If you feel up to it.’’

The slouch he was wearing vanishes as he perks back up. ‘’Yeah, that sounds good!’’ I get an enthusiastic thumbs up in response.

‘’Cool, well, good luck with your studying.’’ He matches my smile before turning on his heel, leaving the kid’s section with a bit more pep in his step. When the last tuft of his blond hair disappears, my knees buckle and I fall back into a bright pink, undersized beanbag.

Cade should be able to handle things by himself for a second; the library isn’t exactly swarming. I pull my phone back out of my pocket.

_You have 2 new message(s)_

‘’Yes, yes, I know…’’ I mutter under my breath.

📧 **Jaehee Kang**

  * Hello, Finn. You asked for our assistance regarding the party, so I took the liberty to do some research. I narrowed down a few florist services that also specialize in catering. 9:21 AM
  * **(Links)** 9:23 AM
  * Please tell me if they aren’t to your liking, I can send the full list of candidates. 9:23 AM
  * Σ(･口･) Jaehee, thanks so much. 3:57 PM
  * Sorry for getting back to you so late. I’ll make sure to look over what you sent right away! 3:57 PM



And I, being a man of my word, take a quick second to scan over the businesses she selected. But, at the limited look I give them, they all seem the same. I’ll probably give them a proper look over tonight. When I should be sleeping.

📧 **V**

  * Hi, Finn. I wanted to give you the event decorators contacts, in case you have any complaints or guidance to offer. 12: 01 PM
  * **(Contact Info)** 12:01 PM
  * If not, they’ll go about it according to their expertise. They’ve done great in the past, so I wouldn’t worry too much. 12:02 PM
  * I don’t think I’ll get in the way too much, but thank you. :) 4:07 PM



I exit the IM and am about to check the chat room to see if anyone is still online, but then there’s Cade.

Or more accurately, his boots.

I look away from my phone and strain my neck looking up at him. He cradles a stack of papers. Right, the posters.

‘’Haha, oops…’’ My phone quickly finds its way back into my pocket and I stand, wiping the back of my jeans off.

‘’I don’t know what’s sadder. That you’re sitting in a chair way too small for you, in the kid’s section, or that you’re on your phone, leaving me all alone.’’

The sheepish smile I give him doesn’t melt his frown. ‘’Both?’’

He divides the stack of papers, handing me a half. ‘’Take these home and put them around, okay? Because I’m in my right mind, we’re not going to put them out in this piss-freezing weather.’’ He looks down at his watch. ‘’Plus, you have to leave soon.’’

The stack in my arms threatens to spill out, sliding all over the place. I hobble on foot in an attempt to stabilize it. Cade’s somehow stays perfectly neat.

‘’You sure you don’t need me to stay for longer?’’

‘’No, but you better get out of here before I change my mind.’’

I’m more than willing to heed his advice and start taking slow steps to the front counter.

‘’Snowflakes, huh?’’ Miyoung comments on the posters as I fish around in the back for my bookbag. ‘’Hmm, very festive.’’ The little hum she does means she disapproves, but not enough to bother.

‘’Nobody here has any winter spirit,’’ I mutter as the posters fall into the cluttered abyss of my bookbag.

‘’Get me some eggnog and I might reconsider. Also.’’ She pauses to point, eyes not even leaving her computer. ‘’You’re blond friend ran out that door a minute ago. Remind him of the library rules, please.’’

‘’What?’’ I press my hands against the counter and hoist myself up to peer around the entrance corner. Sure enough, Yoosung stands outside, hugging himself and shivering under the awning. ‘’Yeah… I’ll deal with that.’’ I pitch my bookbag on my shoulders and head to the doors. Even from inside, the metal handles of the door are freezing as I pull them open.

Yoosung springs around and meets me with wide, violet eyes.

‘’Are you alright?’’

He lets out a sigh of relief, visible in the cold. ‘’Sorry, I thought you were somebody else.’’ I don’t miss the way his eyes dart behind me.

‘’What happened? I thought you were going to study.’’

‘’Yeah, about that.’’ He twiddles his thumbs. ‘’I was, I actually did get some stuff done, but then I heard someone over by the computers. They sounded upset, so I went to go check it out. There was this guy playing chess, he was muttering to himself and whatever, nothing weird, so I just sat down to play LOLOL. Turns out, he plays it too, so we joined up and were playing PVP.’’ He gets a smug look on his face now, sort of watered down though. ‘’I kept winning and I guess he’s not a very good loser, and, uh, things escalated so I left.’’

‘’Sorry.’’ I’m tempted to ask what happened, but I decide against it. ‘’That would be our janitor.’’

‘’Oh.’’ He rocks on his heels. Looks up, around, down, then at me. ‘’Is he usually like that?’’

‘’No, he’s just very… intense about games.’’

‘’Oh, I get it, that’s understandable.’’

‘’So, you’re not upset?’’ He smiles, cheerful again. ‘’Nah, it’s okay. Are you off yet? ‘Cause I’m done if you are.’’

‘’Ah, gimme a second.’’ I inch away. ‘’I’ll be back.’’ I back through the doors and whip around when I’m inside, shuffling up to the counter. ‘’U-uh-, Miyoung?’’ She doesn’t give me the slightest glance. ‘’Is it alright if I go ahead and leave?’’

‘’Did you find out who is flushing books?’’

‘’No, I didn’t.’’ She leaves me to soak in the silence as she apparently thinks it through, but I know her. She gets enjoyment from seeing me fidget. ‘’Okay, I’ll see you Monday.’’

‘’Thanks!’’ It takes me less than a second to get back out that door. Yoosung gives me an expectant look. I throw a vigorous thumbs up in his direction.

‘’Ready?’’ he asks.

‘’Yup.’’

‘’Alright, to the bus stop!’’ We start our trek to the lonely library bus stop, bookbags bumping together.

‘’Gosh, I can’t wait for some hot chocolate.’’ 

❤


	5. Do Plants Attract Weirdos? Am I One of Them?

It’s truly a peaceful sound I wake up to.

The slamming of doors, the screams of a man and woman. I think I heard a cat hissing.

People start their lives way too damn early.

Now that I'm awake, there's no going back. I bitterly drag myself out of bed and trudge to the fridge.

When opened, it reveals itself to be stark empty. Though there is that half a gallon of milk, and that one soda I never drank. After rummaging through the drawers, I also find a moldy orange. Well, at least I know what I'm going to be doing today. I shut the fridge and amble back to the bed to fetch my phone from the nightstand. 

_You have 2 new email(s)_

The notification definitely catches my eye.

_From: Succa for You_

_[Date] 11/12_

_[Time] 6:09 am_

_Dear RFA party coordinator Finn,_

_We've received word from one of your colleges about the planning of a new RFA party. They asked that we contact you. We're excited to have the opportunity to attend such an event. However, we must first ask a few questions._

  1. _What is your favorite type of Sedum?_
  2. _What is the world's largest succulent?_
  3. _If you've ever named a plant, what was/is its name?_



_Warm regards, Succa._

I probably stare at that email for a good minute.

''You can't be serious...'' There's no doubt about who recommended this to me. The signoff, the weird questions. It reeks of 707, but I don't bother spending any time mulling over the legitimacy of it. 

_From: Finn V._

_[Date] 11/12_

_[Time] 6:26_

_Hello, Succa for You. Thanks for finding me! I'm more than happy to answer your questions._

  * _My favorite type of Sedum has to be Sedum Pachyphyllum, otherwise known as 'Jelly Beans'._
  * _Surprisingly, the biggest succulent in the world is the Baobab tree._
  * _Hmm, I've had quite a few plants in my lifetime. I don't have any of them now, but I do remember my favorite one. It was a maidenhair fern, and I named it Rapunzel._



_I hope this is adequate._

_-Finn V._

And just when I thought things couldn't get any stranger, I open the next email.

_From: [Redacted]_

_Date: 11/12_

_Time: 12:00_

_Meet the people who will love you forever._

_Attend the endless party_

_Don't you want to escape from this filthy world?_

_This is an invitation to paradise._

_Are you suffering from your past?_

_We will help the pain go away._

_A world filled with pleasure..._

_A world filled with truth..._

_A world with no tears..._

_A world with no rejections..._

_Accept the angel's invitation._

_ Magenta, _

_**Where everyone is happy.**.. _

This time I just know Seven is trolling me.

Guess no one needed the Defender of Justice's help for once. Real creative.

Even so, it sends a shiver up my spine, and I don't reply.

''Alright then.'' I set my phone aside and begin to undress. If I hurry, I might be able to avoid rush hour.

After a speedy shower and a futile attempt at taming my hair, I raid the closet for some clothes. My 'I Hate the World Outfit'--a black denim jacket over a black shirt, black distressed jeans, and black boots--calls out to me, so I answer. Once dressed, I grab my phone and let the door slam on my way out. While riding in the elevator, I take the time to reopen the messenger.

Finn: I'm turning into Zen ;;

Jaehee Kang: Hello, Finn.

Finn: Hey, Jaehee. 

Jaehee Kang: ...

Jaehee Kang: May I ask how you are turning into Zen? 

Finn: Haha, sorry, I didn't mean it in a bad way.

Finn: I just don't have anything in my fridge so I have to go shopping.

Jaehee Kang: Ah, I see. It seems like a lot of the members of the RFA don't take very good care of themselves...

Jaehee Kang: But I'm guilty of that as well ;;

_707 has entered the chat room_

Finn: You should especially take care of yourself Jaehee.

Finn: You’re always so busy.

707: Pretty quiet this morning.

Jaehee Kang: I'm glad you think so. I do wish to have a day where I can simply relax.

Finn: Hi, Seven.

Jaehee Kang: Hello, Luciel.

707: Is it quiet for u guys too?

Finn: It wasn’t earlier....

Jaehee Kang: No, it is not. The office is always bustling.

707: Hmm, it's pretty quiet for me. I wonder if it's snowing?

Jaehee Kang: ...Are you okay?

Finn: Just stepped outside. It is kinda peaceful.

707: Oh, where are u headed?

Finn: Store. I need food.

_Yoosung★ has entered the chat room_

707: Ohoho, can I recommend something?

Finn: Sure.

Jaehee Kang: Welcome, Yoosung.

Finn: Hey hey

Yoosung★: Hi guys

707: U should try the new PhD Pepper flavor.

Finn: Okay. What flavor is it?

Yoosung★: Ew, no. I heard it was like lime or something. Or licorice?

Jaehee Kang: I think I saw someone drinking it this morning.

707: I thought it was peppermint. Something wintery. Gingerbread?

Finn: Yeah... I'm not so sure I want to be the one to find out.

Yoosung★: Oh! Finn! I almost forgot.

Finn: ???

Yoosung★: There's a gardening club at my school, and I told them about you. They said they want to come to the party!

Jaehee Kang: Oh, good job, Yoosung. You're the first to recommend someone.

707: heh

Finn: Okay, thanks, Yoosung. （＾-＾）

Yoosung★: Yup!

707: Welp, I gotta go. Finn, tell me if you find the new PhD Pepper!

Finn: Will do. See you later!

Yoosung★: Bye Seven

707: See u succas later

_707 has left the chat room_

Jaehee Kang: Should I take offense to that?

Finn: I wouldn't.

Yoosung★: Seven is just... Seven

Jaehee Kang: Right. Anyhow, I need to return to work...

Finn: Yeah, I need to go too. About to get on the bus.

Yoosung★: Aw, okay. See you two later.

Jaehee Kang: Yes. Goodbye.

_Jaehee Kang has left the chat room_

Finn: Bye

**R.F.A**

This conversation will be archived in the RFA records,

I hereby agree to treat this conversation as confidential.

  
  


When the bus comes to a stop, my phone is already away, and I have my fare in hand. A few people file out, and when they pass, I step in and hand over my money.

Despite the time, it isn't too full.

I take a seat near the doors, next to some older women. They smell like pain cream and peppermint oil, not a pleasant combination to sit close to. The entire ride they talk about the weather and upcoming holidays, moving on to brag about their grandchildren just as the bus reaches my stop.

Leaving that seat and stepping out onto the sidewalk is literally a breath of fresh air.

Seven was right about today. The world seems quieter for some reason.

The store is only a short walk from the bus stop, and before I know it, I'm through the automatic doors. I grab a basket and start filling it full.

Usually, I don't go over 50 dollars, but I may or may have not splurged on some unnecessarily expensive pancake mix. And a six-pack of the new PhD Pepper flavor, which I'll mail to Seven if I don't like it. Then I come across the plant nursery, and I know there's no hope left.

The inside is basically a greenhouse; the heavy, warm air gives me a taste of what summer was. This sense of nostalgia cuts through me.

How long has it been since my time with my aunt?

Many good memories are still fresh in my mind, and they're brought forward as I gaze at all these plants. But it can't be helped that the bad ones creep to the front of my head, too.

They make me freeze up.

My heartbeat ricochets off my ribs. Something claws at my stomach and the back of my eyes burn.

Even though I'm not there, that horrible, aching feeling in my bones somehow finds its way back to me. Time isn't tangible when I'm stuck in the past, but I know it's only a few seconds before the world comes back into focus.

A begonia plant sits in front of me. Dark leaves, snow-white petals. I pick it up, wet, plastic pot against my hand. Many plants have meanings, but this one won't come to me.

''Pretty, isn't it?'' a voice asks from behind.

I glance over my shoulder to see a dark-haired man, around my age, gazing at the begonia with a thoughtful look. He has the strangest eyes I've ever seen. Contacts undoubtedly, but alluring nonetheless. As he steps beside me, I cast my sight back down to the plant.

''Do you know what it symbolizes?'' he asks.

''I was just thinking about that,'' I say. ''But, no, I can't remember.'' It's routine for me to be uncomfortable around people, but I can't tell if it's because of him or me.

''Typically,'' he starts, ''it means 'deep thinking'. A warning of sorts, like it's saying to think before you act. Beware.''

''Do you work here?''

A bit of shifting hair catches my eye; he shakes his head. ''No. I'm what I guess you'd call a plant enthusiast.''

I look up and meet his eye, offering a small smile. ''I'd say the same about myself, though I'm not too versed on plant symbolism.''

He hums. ''Are you going to get it?'' He gestures to the plant.

''Maybe.''

''Well, take good care of it. It'd be a shame if it were to die.'' I let an awkward chuckle escape me. ''Especially if you're planning on spending some time away from home. It wouldn't be fair to the plant to abandon it.''

Discomfort starts to make me fidget, and I break eye contact. ''Don't worry, I'm not planning on leaving anytime soon.''

He places his hands in his pockets and looks away. He frowns. ''You never know what turn your life might take.'' His focus jerks back to me. ''It was nice meeting you, but I have to go. Maybe we'll meet again.'' He walks off.

''B-bye?''

Not so much as a smile or a nod.

I sigh and tuck the begonia under my arm. Today has certainly been strange.

❤


	6. Because it Saw the Ranch Dressing...?

The elevator door opens with a woosh. I step out, shoulders sagging under the weight of my groceries.

It was a struggle getting them around the bus. It was also a struggle to fork over 10 extra dollars for the reusable bags they’re now in.

I punch in the code, elbow through the door, kick it closed, and set my bags on the counter.

An apple comes tumbling out and plummets to the floor. I catch it before it can roll into some crumb-filled abyss. My mail also comes sliding out, but I stop it before it can fall, setting it aside for later. I pull Minty the begonia--the new man of the house--out and set him by Rika’s only window.

A couple organizational minutes later, and everything is put away. My early lunch sits cooking on the stove top while I shift through my mail.

‘’Trash, trash, trash, tr--’’ At the bottom of the stack is a handwritten letter with no return address. Neither side sports the name of the person it's addressed to. I figure it’s one of Rika’s ‘’loose ends’’, and don’t think any further than that. I set it next to the computer and head back to the kitchen.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned since joining the RFA, it's that you shouldn’t question V.

I toss the rest of the mail away and sit down to eat, my phone, of course, in hand. 

_You have 2 new email(s)_

_From: Succa for You_

_[Date] 11/12_

_[Time] 9:22_

_Succ-sess!_

_We're delighted by your responses. We look forward to seeing you at the party._

_Sincerely, SFY._

_From: G.G._

_[Date] 11/12_

_[Time] 9:54_

_Hello, Mr. Coordinator! We are G.G., the Gardening Guys (don't worry, we have gals too)._

_Our goal is to create a peaceful environment in a concrete jungle. We've made a sanctuary where people can simply relax and enjoy nature, along with learning about plants and how to care for them! Kim Yoosung has told us that you are quite the expert when it comes to plants, so let us test your skills._

_Number 1! What is the name of the famous three plant companion system?_

_Number 2! Why did the tomato turn red?_

_Number 3! Are cucumbers vegetables or fruits?_

_We patiently await your answers._

_G.G._

Why, Yoosung? Why? I'm starting to feel like I'm the only one taking this party seriously.

_From: Finn V._

_[Date] 11/12_

_[Time] 10:18_

_Hi, G.G. I'm glad my friend convinced you to reach out to me._

_You seem like a very enthusiastic fellow, so I'll get right on it._

  * _The companion planting system is called The Three Sisters. It includes corn, peas, and squash._
  * _Um, because it was ripening?_
  * _Because they flower and have seeds, botanically, cucumbers are fruits._



_Finn V._

There’s no current chat room, so I make one and title it _Party Concerns_.

Finn: Can’t believe no one is on…

Finn: So alone. 

Finn: ●︿●

Finn: I want to let you all know that I’ve already gotten two guests.

Finn: Well, one, but I’m confident in this next one.

_ZEN has entered the chat room_

Finn: And while two might not seem like a big number,

Finn: it’s only going to get bigger.

ZEN: Hey, Finn.

Finn: Hi.

ZEN: Dang, we already have two guests? ;;

ZEN: I haven’t even recommended anyone yet.

Finn: It’s alright. We still have plenty of time.

Finn: V hasn’t even set the date yet…

ZEN: Oh, is that what you’re worried about?

_Yoosung★ has entered the chat room_

Finn: Yeah. I want to make sure, you know?

Finn: Hiya

ZEN: Hey Yoosung

ZEN: And that’s totally understandable, Finn.

Yoosung★: Hi Zen, Finn.

ZEN: I’m sure he’s just busy. He’ll get around to it soon.

Finn: I hope.

Yoosung★: Hmph. I think it’s irresponsible of him. That’s the first thing he should have decided. 

_707 has entered the chat room_

Yoosung★: I don’t want Finn’s work to be for nothing.

Finn: He wouldn’t cancel it, though.

707: Ohhoho, is Yoosung going off about V again?

Yoosung★: -_- no

ZEN: Yes.

707: Kk, I see. Ur worried about the party.

Finn: Mhm

707: Don’t worry, it’s only been a few days. V wouldn’t leave us hanging.

ZEN: Yeah, watch him pop up while we’re here lol

Yoosung★: …

Finn: I hope he will! ><

_Jaehee Kang has entered the chatroom_

ZEN: Hey, Jaehee.

Finn: Hi, Jaehee.

Jaehee Kang: Hello, everyone. ^^

707: lol u seem happy 

Yoosung★: What happened? Has to be good, I’m sure.

Jaehee Kang: I’m happy because I just dropped Elizabeth 3rd off to Mr. Han. 

Jaehee Kang: I’m very glad to be rid of her ^^

ZEN: Nice, Jaehee!

707: Aw, don’t talk like that, Jaehee! Elly is wonderful.

Finn: I respect your immense hatred towards cats

Finn: but I still think you’re missing out lol

ZEN: Not in a million years.

Jaehee Kang: Perhaps in another lifetime I will have such an eye that Mr. Han has.

_Jumin Han has entered the chatroom_

ZEN: Speak of the devil

Yoosung★: Jumin, hi. Have you heard anything from V?

Finn: Cat dad has entered the premecise.

707: JUMIN HAN

Yoosung★: Omg, Seven.

Jumin Han: Hello.

Jaehee Kang: Welcome, Mr. Han. I was hoping you wouldn’t make it. ;;

Jumin Han: I will ignore that Assistant Kang, considering you probably still want your paycheck.

Finn: Oh, wow, already going from 0 to 10.

Jumin Han: Yoosung, to answer your question, I have.

Jumin Han: V said he would visit the messenger around this time. He’ll join us soon.

Yoosung★: Good.

Jumin Han: I noticed the title of the chat room. Is there a problem, Finn?

Finn: No, not anymore.

Finn: I was just wondering when V was going to set the date.

Jumin Han: Ah, I see.

Jumin Han: That reminds me. I have a guest recommendation.

707: ooh, who is it?

ZEN: Damn, I need to step it up.

Jumin Han: My father’s current girlfriend is interested in orchids.

Jumin Han: Buying them, growing them, going to orchid shows, etc..

Yoosung★: Orchid shows?

707: Huh? That’s a thing?

Finn: Showing your orchids off like a dog?

Jumin Han: Apparently so. 

ZEN: You learn something new everyday… ;;

Jaehee Kang: You really do.

Jumin Han: Anyhow, she helps manage these gatherings. I sent her your info.

Finn: Wow, thanks Jumin.

707: Hold up. U went through your father’s girlfriend just for the party?

Jaehee Kang: Mr. Han, you seem very invested in this.

707: lolol

Jumin Han: Of course. Why wouldn’t I put the same amount of effort into this

Jumin Han: as I do with everything else?

ZEN: Are you sure that’s why?

Finn: Well, I don’t care why. Thank you, Jumin.

Jumin Han: You’re welcome.

_V has entered the chat room_

Yoosung★: Finally

707: V, welcome.

Jumin Han: Nice to see you, Jihyun.

Finn: Glad you could make it.

ZEN: Hey, V ^^

Jaehee Kang: Hello, V.

V: Hi, everybody. 

V: I’m sorry to make you all wait. I didn’t mean to cause you concern, Finn.

Finn: It’s alright.

ZEN: Yeah, it’s fine now that you’re here.

Yoosung★: Hmph.

V: I’m sure you all want me to cut to the chase, so I will tell you.

V: I have decided the date of the party will be on

V: November 23rd. 

Yoosung★: The heck?

Finn: Oh.. ;;

Jaehee Kang: Oh my.

707: V, that’s really soon…

Jumin Han: Jihyun, have you really considered this? It seems you’re rushing.

ZEN: I don’t know if we can do that ;;

V: I’m sorry. I don’t mean to pressure you all. 

V: I just thought that this would be appropriate considering the size of the party.

Yoosung★: Seriously? Is that your excuse? Why do you want to rush this anyways?

Jaehee Kang: Perhaps give us a few more days?

Finn: No, it’s alright…

V: Thank you, Finn ^^;

Jumin Han: Are you sure about this, Finn?

Finn: I think so.

Yoosung★: Yeah, V, this really isn’t fair. You aren’t even helping.

V: I have faith that you all can do this.

Finn: We’re gonna need more than faith… T_T

Jumin Han: Could you give me a call, Jihyun?

V: Of course. When?

Jumin Han: Now.

ZEN: ;;...

V: Alright.

V: I’m sorry that you all are upset with my decision, but I know you are capable ^^

Jaehee Kang: I hope so.

707: We’ll do our best

ZEN: Guess I should start looking for guests right away, then.

V: I’ll see you all soon.

_V has left the chat room_

Jumin Han: I hope you all don’t mind my absence right now. I need to speak with him.

Yoosung★: It’s a waste of time. He says sorry, but do you really think he means it?

707: Yoosung ;;

Jumin Han: V sometimes makes rash decisions, but I trust him. 

Jumin Han: I want to hear his reasoning for this.

_Jumin Han has left the chat room_

Yoosung★: Gahhh!

Finn: Well, that was definitely a surprise.

707: Ur okay, right?

Finn: I’m more worried about all of you.

Finn: How are you going to find that many guests that fast?

Jaehee Kang: Perhaps we should start inviting guests outside of the party theme.

ZEN: That’s a good idea, Jaehee.

Yoosung★: Eh, yeah.

707: That could work. U good with that, Finn?

Finn: Mmm, yes, that’s fine.

Jaehee Kang: It’s a plan, then.

Finn: Is it okay if I leave? I need to think over some stuff.

ZEN: Yeah, of course.

Jaehee Kang: Go ahead.

707: Don’t worry about us! We’ll start looking for guests right away.

Yoosung★: Yup.

Finn: Good, thank you all ^^

Finn: Bye.

  
  


**R.F.A**

This conversation will be archived in the RFA records,

I hereby agree to treat this conversation as confidential.

_You have 1 new email(s)_

_He says sorry, but do you really think he means it?_

When it comes to V, Yoosung can be a bit melodramatic. He's suspicious of him, questions his motives, and is sometimes unnecessarily snippy. But, this time, Yoosung isn't alone.

The reason I trust V is because the others trust him, and well, he hasn't given me a reason not to. However, I can't help but feel let down by him, like he just doesn't care. That isn't typical V behavior. Even if Jumin can't convince him to push the date back, I hope he can figure out why V is in such a hurry to get things done. But, in the meantime, I need to work fast.

_From: S.O.O.C. (Sincere Organization of Orchid Connoisseurs)_  
_Date: [11/12]_  
_Time: [10:32]_  
_Hello, party coordinator._  
_We have been invited to this event by one of your fellow members._  
_This is a wonderful opportunity._  
_We've heard much about the RFA in the past._  
_But we'd like to ask a simple question first._  
_What does the orchid flower represent?_  
_Best regards, S.O.O.C._

❤


	7. The Lives of Others I Can't Catch up to

I lick my chapped lips that have been battered by the winter air.

My hands itch to pick away at the drying skin, but I know it’ll only make them bleed. Instead, I pull at my scarf, it's a mismatch of odd colors that clash with everything I own. The prickly wool makes my skin crawl.

I’ve been sitting on this cold bench for so long; I really can’t wait for the bus to show up so I can pry my frozen legs off.

When fiddling with my scarf no longer satisfies me, I start bothering my beanie. My ears are prone to looking like someone has scribbled on them with a red marker, so I make sure they're tucked away.

Monday, 6:00 AM, reads my phone.

The weekend passed by like it was nothing, maybe because I was occupied with putting up posters and answering emails. The methodical pattern of vapor from my mouth is interrupted by my sigh. Though today is undoubtedly going to drag itself along, slow and painful.

When the bus arrives, I shuffle in and take a seat, opening the messenger as the doors creak close.

Yoosung★: Should I wear a suit to the party?

707: Omg, I would like to see that lololol

ZEN: No, Yoosung, you should come dressed in a trash bag.

Jaehee Kang: I think you’ll look mature in a suit, Yoosung.

Yoosung★: Okay, thanks. ^^

Finn: Morning, everyone ^^;

Jumin Han: Good morning, Finn.

707: Oii Finn

ZEN: How can he even find a suit though? Lol

ZEN: And hey Finn

707: Broke college student in need of formal attire

Yoosung★: Aw come on T_T

Jumin Han: You’ve never said I look nice in a suit, Jaehee.

ZEN: Cause that’s all you wear lol

707: True lolol

Jumin Han: Assistant Kang.

Jaehee Kang: Good bye, everyone.

ZEN: Jaehee ;;.

Yoosung★: Oh no

Finn: Run.

Jumin Han: I need you at the office early tomorrow to do a report on our sales for our latest branch product.

Jaehee Kang: ...

Jaehee Kang: You mean that ridiculous cat product?

ZEN: Another cat product? ;;

Jaehee Kang: Couldn’t you have told me this face to face, Mr. Han?

Finn: You know how Jumin is… ;;

707: Oh, speaking of cats. How is our beautiful Elly? ^3^

Jumin Han: How many times do I have to tell you? Her name isn’t Elly, it is Elizabeth 3rd.

Jumin Han: And if you come to my apartment I will call the cops.

707: So harsh. I’m sure she misses me.

Jaehee Kang: Though I would like to refrain from discussing Elizabeth as much as possible

Jaehee Kang: I must mention she has been eating less with me.

ZEN: Can we please stop talking about cats?

Finn: I don’t think there’s any going back now.

ZEN: T_T

Jumin Han: Assistant Kang, you did not tell me this.

Jaehee Kang: I didn’t think it was of importance, she is not unwell, just eating less.

Jumin Han: I see…

707: Oh no, is Elizabeth going to be okay?

ZEN: Don’t even mention that evil thing, I still remember that party when you brought her, Jumin.

Yoosung★: I remember that. So funny lolol

707: I showed Finn the picture a while ago lol.

ZEN: Damn you Seven

Finn: Haha… Zen, I promise I’m sorry

Finn: but I can’t say I didn’t laugh

707: Haha, yes, I have Finn on my side

ZEN: So betrayed by Finn today. ;;

Jumin Han: I believe

707: ?

Jumin Han: The reason that Elizabeth the 3rd is not eating because

Jumin Han: Jaehee, your attitude is depressing to be around.

Jaehee Kang: ... I’ll get going now.

_Jaehee Kang has left the chatroom_

707: Oh

707: I got a call, I should take this. See u guys later

Finn: Go, seven zero seven, defender of justice, protect the world.

707: Yes, that is I!

_707 has left the chatroom_

Finn: Ah, right.

Finn: I wanted to thank you guys again for the book donations.

ZEN: No problem.

Jumin Han: Yes, it was actually quite beneficial to me.

Jumin Han: I found some stuff I haven’t read in years...

Yoosung★: Like what? ;;

Jumin Han: Nothing.

ZEN: …

Finn: Anyways, I’ll make sure your books go to good homes (≧ω≦)ゞ

ZEN: I’m just glad to be rid of them lol

ZEN: Oh! But speaking of books, I have a potential party guest.

Finn: Nice nice! Who is it?

ZEN: Some publishing company contacted my manager.

ZEN: They wanted me to model for one of their romance novels.

Jumin Han: Yet you turned it down.

Yoosung★: Don’t romance books have a bad rap for having weird covers?

Jumin Han: Perhaps you dodge a bullet then.

ZEN: HEY.

ZEN: I’m talking here. '

Yoosung★: ;;

ZEN: Like I was saying, they wanted me to model, but I turned it down.

ZEN: But, I told them about a wonderful opportunity to find plenty of attractive faces.

Finn: The party.

ZEN: Yup!

Finn: Awesome ^^

Finn: Romance and flowers, not bad so far.

Yoosung★: Haha, be funny if someone recommends a chocolate business.

Jumin Han: That’s not a bad idea.

Yoosung★: I was joking Jumin

Jumin Han: Hmm. Well, I need to get going. Good luck with the book sale, Finn.

Yoosung★: Okay, bye.

Finn: Thank you, Jumin. Bye.

_Jumin Han has left the chat room_

ZEN: I’ll be going too!

Finn: Yep, I gotta leave as well.

Yoosung★: I guess I could be doing more productive things…

ZEN: Lol, take responsibility, Yoosung

ZEN: See you guys later.

Yoosung★: T_T bye

Finn: Later.

_ZEN has left the chat room_

**R.F.A**

This conversation will be archived in the RFA records,

I hereby agree to treat this conversation as confidential

When I step onto the library parking lot, the first sight I see is Jinho and Cade struggling to get a plastic fold up table through the doors. It makes a racket, clattering all over the place, but they get it inside before I can help them.

I hear someone swear as I push open the doors.

‘’Williams! Williams! Watch the counter! You’re going to knock me over!’’ That is definitely Miyoung shrieking.

I step around the lobby corner. She has her arms folded and sends a glare their way while they unfold the table’s metal legs.

‘’Finally, the last one,’’ she mutters, then she whips around to me. ‘’I need you to start lying books out, we have three hours before this place opens.’’

I catch my tongue from stuttering. ‘’Right.’’

‘‘All the tables are labeled by genre, I just need you to place them accordingly. Mr. Williams will help you.’’ She pulls something from behind the counter and thrusts it towards me. ‘’Set this by the table they just brought in, I’ll stick it later.’’ A laminated piece of paper, it says Fantasy/Science Fiction.

I nod and head to said table, lying the paper down.

‘’Hey, did Miyoung tell you?’’ Cade walks up next to me.

‘’Tell me what?’’ There’s a cardboard box overflowing with books under the table. I drag it out and start digging through it.

‘’We found out who was flushing books.’’

‘’Really? Who?’’

‘’A dad was bringing his son here, and everytime the kid would use the bathroom, he would bring a book with him,’’ he explains.

‘’And he just flushed it?’’ Laughter starts to bubble in my chest.

‘’Yeah. Gosh, kids are weird.’’

‘’Why romance, though?’’ There aren’t many of the books I need in this box, so I crouch down and start sorting all the different genres into their own stacks.

‘’Most likely because it’s the closest shelf to the bathroom.’’ He leans down. ‘’I’ll take the mystery and young adult.’’ He takes them from me when I hand them over. ‘’Well, three hours, better get to work.’’ He gives me a small wave and walks off.

Lots of sorting and stacking later, the doors are open and the library is bustling.

Miyoung and a volunteer are working the counters, and I’m hiding in a corner. My cowering isn’t unproductive, however; I get on the messenger to check my emails.

_From: Chu & Bak Publishing_   
_[Date] 11/14_   
_[Time] 7:30_   
_Hello, RFA party coordinator. We've been asked to contact you by one of your colleagues._   
_We're disappointed we could not convince ZEN to model for us, however, he spoke of the opportunity if we were to attend._   
_What kind of faces will be at this party?_   
_Chu & Bak_

_From: Finn V._   
_[Date] 11/14_   
_[Time] 9:05_   
_Hello, thanks for getting in touch with me._   
_I respect that you aren't continuing to go after Zen, and you won't regret it._   
_There are many different types of faces attending this party!_   
_Young and fresh._   
_Handsome and sultry._   
_A mystique, unique beauty._   
_Who knows what you'll find?_   
_Finn V._

I slip my phone back into my pocket and leave my little corner. Miyoung sees me and motions me over to the counter.

‘’Mr. Vorobyov, would you please assist these two?’’ She gestures to an older lady and her husband. A large box of books is at their feet.

‘’Of course.’’ Without breaking my back, I lean down and hoist it into my arms.

‘’Thank you, dear,’’ the woman says. ‘’I’ll show you to our car.’’ She leads me along, out of the library and to their open trunk.

‘’You both must enjoy reading.’’

‘’Yes, very much.’’ The man helps me settle the box so it doesn’t tip over. ‘’And a lot of them are for our grandchildren, as well.’’

‘’That’s nice.’’

The man laughs as he shuts the trunk. ‘’We have to capture their attention somehow.’’ He gives me his thanks, his wife waving out of the window as they drive off.

It’s dim outside when the last pair of feet walk through those library doors. The sound of them creaking resonates around the entire library. It almost seems too quiet now.

‘’We have less than half the books we had this morning,’’ Cade muses, skimming through the donation list.

‘’It’s to be expected, the first day is always busier.’’ My neck aches to the touch.

‘’Ha, give yourself a pat on the back, Finn. Your snowflakes must have worked.’’

‘’I would if I could feel my back.’’ I trudge over to the front counter. ‘’Miyoung, are we good to leave?’’

She shuffles through the money while absently muttering to herself. ‘’What? Oh, yeah, sure.’’ She doesn’t look up, waves me off. ‘’It’s past eight, you both can head home.’’

I tell her, ‘’Thank you.’’ Then, with a spirited Cade trailing behind me, I leave the library.

‘’Shit,’’ he swears. ‘’I never miss this weather.’’

‘’Mmm, I like winter, even if I’m always cold.’’

He puts a hand on my back. ‘’Hey, how about we go get something warm?’’

‘’Watch it.’’ I veer away from him so his arm falls off.

He laughs. ‘’Oh, come on, you’re the youngest out of all of us.’’ He steps closer to me and ruffles up my hair. I frown. ‘’What, you want me to treat you to some pain patches instead?’’

‘’No, what I _want_ is to go home.’’ I turn when he falls out of my sight.

‘’You know,’’ he starts. ‘’Miyoung and I worry about you.’’ The dark caresses his face, slithering into the creases of his frown. It makes him look old.

‘’Where’s this coming from?’’

‘’I just want you to know that.’’

‘’Alright.’’ The sound of traffic in the distance is amplified by our silence. ‘’But why?’’

‘’Finn, we’ve been working together for almost two years, yet I know nothing about you. You come to work, you leave, you’re informal, but you’re never personal.’’ It takes a lot for me to swallow the urge to walk away right there and then. ‘’I don’t even have your phone number.’’

‘’Cade, it has nothing to do with you, it’s ju--’’

‘’Just how you are, huh? Is that what you were going to say?’’

‘’You could have told me.’’

His arms cross over his chest. ‘’Could I have? Because I figured the answer would be no.’’

‘’So why are you getting upset over this?’’

‘’I said it already! I care about you. Do you think what we’ve been doing these past years has just been civil chit chat?’’

‘’No… I don--’’

‘’Then look me in the eyes and say you don’t think I’m just your colleague.’’ His eyes look glossy. Glass.

Is this how easily something can shatter?

There are words on my tongue, in my throat, somewhere in my heart, but my mouth stays shut.

‘’Well, fuck, Finn.’’ He refuses to look at me now. ‘’Guess you can go home now, sorry to waste your time.’’ His shoulder doesn’t brush me as he passes. In fact, he’s farther away than he’s ever been.

I’ve already begun to walk away when his car begins to growl. The headlights blind me. I’m not able to see him, but I know he can see me. I wonder what I look like, wonder what I look like I’m feeling, because I’m not sure.

❤


	8. Getting High in the Rain, how Melodramatic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 100+ hits  
> what do i do with this attention

_‘’My varobushek.’’_

Sweat envelops me. Heavy and hot, it ran over my skin as I fled from something that only exists in my mind.

It was a nightmare, I realize this now, but my heart doesn’t. It pounds inside my chest, and I make no attempts to calm it. What did I dream? Only a few minutes have passed since I woke, screaming, yet there’s hardly anything left in my head to even guess. All I know is that I don’t want to be in Rika’s apartment anymore.

The space around me comes back into focus as I slide out of bed. The walls, furniture, everything is dim. It must be night.

Shadows go back into hiding when I flick on a light. My phone sits on the coffee table. I don’t remember it being there, so I must have woken up at some point. I confirm this when I take a look at Minty. The soil in his pot is damp.

‘’What time is it then…’’ I get my answer after taking a look at my phone. 

6:00 PM.

There’s not enough energy in me to react to this; I just shove my phone in the pocket of my sweats and leave the apartment.

The bus is a tempting option, if only I had my wallet, so I resort to walking. I’ve not spent much time around here, but through the windows on the bus, I’ve made out a park in the disoriented scenery. That seems to be where my feet are taking me.

Passing the back of a closing restaurant brings me face to face with a dog. It shreds through a plastic bag, a pathetic attempt at finding something to eat. Its jaws snap at something it struggles to get down its throat. When it turns to face me, those unremitting brown eyes, a low growl rumbles from its chest.

It's the dog that chased me.

Neither of us move, blink. Then it lifts its muzzle and sniffs. Whatever it smelt in me that day is gone; it returns to its rummaging, and I continue forward.

At a crosswalk, I wait for the light to turn, and raise my nose like the dog. Cutting through the acidic stench of emissions is the smell of rain. Droplets start to hit my shoulders when I step on the mulched ground of the playground.

I think I’m alone until I see a group of teenagers, crouched under a slide. Smoke wafts into the air from around them. I take the swing furthest away from them. I don’t feel like catching their buzz.

My feet hit the ground and I rock back and forth.

A moth flitting around a nearby lamppost grabs my attention. The rain doesn’t seem to bother it, it circles and circles the light, getting as close as possible without being burned. It could move on, but it doesn’t want to be in the dark.

What a shitty metaphor that is. Of course, it means nothing. The moth is only trying to do what moths do, but the light confuses it.

The rain falls harder and I swing harder. Metal chain I grip onto becomes slick, so I slam my heels into the ground and go staggering across the playground. A bench catches me, and I sit. The kids are gone, no fun if you can’t light anything.

I throw my head back. There are no stars to look at. Usually, the night makes me feel open, unrestrained, but this dark, blank sheet just reminds me of my aunt. I turn my face away.

My dad, I realize now, is who I first thought of when waking from that nightmare.

My sparrow, he used to call me, slatkaya, he’d call my mother. It’s not often, but I do wonder about them.

My mother, who was dry yet soaked with guilt, packed her lies and left. She continued to try to clog my life, but I pulled the plug. I don’t know where she is today. Probably happy.

My father, who did his best, but who did not succeed. How much I have left of him in my heart is not known to me. Who knows where he is. My aunt, maybe, but she’d never tell.

The sky has gotten angrier by the time I stand; lightning lashes in the distance. My hands are damp, and it’d make no difference to wipe them on my muggy pants. I cross the park again, still walking farther away from the apartment. I’m alone on the streets, only cars and a lone jogger. People act like they melt.

‘’Finn?’’ There’s a hand on my shoulder.

I reel around, eyes going up to meet this person’s face. The moment I see white hair plastered underneath his hood, I relax.

‘’You jog in the rain?’’ is the first thing I say.

He pulls down his hood, his brow is scrunched. ‘’And you walk in the rain.’’ He’s concerned, I notice. ‘’You know, everyone has been worried. You haven’t been on the messenger at all today.’’ The last words that leave his mouth are drowned out by an ear-splitting crackle. We both swear as the rain picks up its pace. I’m really soaked now.

‘’Ah, geez, get home okay, Finn? And get on the messenger!’’ He tucks his hoodie back over his head, about to take off, but I grip his shoulder.

‘’Shit, wait, Zen.’’ He stops. ‘’I don’t have any money for a bus.’’

He doesn’t even mull it over for a second, he just grabs my sleeve and pulls me along. I stumble behind him, trying to keep up. When he stops underneath a bus stop overhang, I grab at the air as if it'll help me catch my breath.

‘’Are you okay?’’ he asks.

I manage, ‘’I-I’m fine.’’

‘’No, I mean, you were just out walking in the rain, and you looked like crap. I didn’t even recognize you for a second.’’

A big breath, then, ‘’I’m fine, it’s just been a rough day.’’

‘’Alright…’’ he doesn’t seem convinced. ‘’We couldn’t even get ahold of you over the phone, though.’’ His words bring me back to yesterday.

_I don’t even have your phone number_.

‘’Fuck,’’ I cry out.

‘’What? Are you okay?’’

‘’I fucking skipped work.’’

❤


	9. How the Hell Do You Comfort Someone?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trust me  
> i wasn't expecting the POV change either

Zen woke up that day feeling pumped.

Energy was surging through his body, and he wasn’t going to waste it. He had enough of being bummed out.

No role? No problem. His voice wasn’t even rusty. He fucking killed it in the shower.

It was a very productive morning, he made breakfast for once, even found a guest recommendation. Finn wasn’t on, that was fine, he’d see later. For now, Zen would head out. His manager called him yesterday, said he wanted to talk about something.

When he got there, taiyaki in his stomach, his manager surprised him with news of a new potential role. He couldn’t believe it. When he got home, he got straight to work.

He ate a good dinner and went for a jog. Out to that one park and back he told himself, maybe an hour tops.

He didn’t expect the rain, and was surprised to see someone else out on the sidewalk. They looked familiar, and when Zen caught a glimpse of their eyes, he stopped in his tracks. He stuck out a hand, and sure enough, it was Finn who turned around to greet him.

A sodden hoodie clung to his slight frame, and his face was smothered with exhaustion before he realized it was Zen.

What was he doing out here?

Zen didn’t know how close or far away they were from Rika’s apartment, but he knew this wasn’t right.

He didn't expect it to start pouring, or for Finn to not have any money for a quick, dry trip home. And he definitely didn’t expect to find himself staring down at Finn’s crumpled, sobbing form. He looked unwell the entire bus ride, and the moment he stepped into Zen’s house, he broke down.

He was spewing stuff about his job and what Zen assumed were his colleagues, his aunt and dad, something about the messenger. Zen couldn’t make it out past all the tears.

He wasn’t really sure what he was supposed to do.

He’d never comforted anyone before, let alone a guy. It wasn’t supposed to be awkward, right? Maybe Zen could pretend Finn was a girl. He was kinda short, had that soft face, long eye lashes, his lips reminded Zen of a cherry blossom, and…

_...what the hell was he thinking?_

He crouched down and set a hand on Finn’s shoulder. ‘’Hey, do you want to stay the night here?’’ Finn rapidly shook his head. But then he nodded shyly a few moments later. ‘’Okay, I’ll get stuff situated. Just let me get on the messenger to tell the others you’re okay, alright?’’ 

Finn stumbled up and took the sleeve of Zen’s hoodie in his grasp. ‘’P-please,’’ he took a breath, ‘’don’t.’’

He’d never seen someone move so fast in his life. ‘’Finn, I th--’’

Finn cleared his throat, looking away as he calmed himself. He looked embarrassed. It made Zen’s face heat, too. ‘’Just, don’t tell them what happened, okay? Don’t tell them I’m here.’’

Zen nodded. ‘’Okay… do you want to go on yourself, then?’’

‘’Yeah.’’

Zen left Finn to his phone as he searched through his room for an extra blanket. He usually used one in winter, but found it folded under his bed. When he returned to the living room, Finn was on his phone, trying to keep his hiccuping under control.

‘’The couch is good, right?’’

Finn nodded, eyes not leaving his screen. Zen sat at his table, watching Finn. He wanted to know what happened, but he knew better than to pry. He guessed there was still a lot he didn’t know about Finn, and that was fair. There were things Zen wasn’t saying.

When Finn got off his phone, they sat in silence for a while.

Zen coughed. ‘’Do you want something to drink?’’ Should he give alcohol to an emotionally unstable person? He didn’t know.

Finn said no.

‘’Do you… do you want to talk?’’

Silence again.

‘’Not now,’’ Finn said.

‘’Okay.’’ Zen was running out of ideas. ‘’Do y--’’

‘’Can I have something to eat?’’ Finn couldn’t look at Zen while he said it. Zen couldn’t imagine how uncomfortable he was feeling.

‘’Yeah, sure, no problem.’’ He stood and started going through his cabinets. Thank gosh he still had food. ‘’Uh, how does mac and cheese sound?’’

He managed to get a laugh out of him. ‘’That’s fine.’’

Finn sat on the couch as Zen set water to boil. After putting a lid on, he joined Finn. ‘’I hope this isn’t weird to ask but, uh, do you want to watch a movie?’’

‘’If you want, yeah.’’

‘’Okay.’’ Zen crouched down and scooched to the front of the TV. He didn’t have a lot of movies, mainly his musicals, but he was sure he could find something.

‘’Can we watch Promiscuous Jalapeno Topping?’’ While flustered, Zen was also relieved to hear him ask that. He seemed to be returning to good spirits.

‘’Of course.’’ Zen played it off with a smooth purr, sliding the DVD in the player. He gave Finn a wink before heading back to the kitchen.

He heard a phone ring while he was stirring in noodles, but he didn’t recognize it.

Finn laughed once, then Zen heard him say Seven’s name.

It was about time that darn hacker called. Well, Zen guessed he could have called Finn himself, but he respected Finn’s space. Seven wasn’t one for privacy, it seemed, watching the party coordinator with cameras and all.

Zen took his only two bowls out of the cupboard, filled them with noodles, grabbed a spoon and fork, and returned to his living room.

Finn glanced at him and whispered something into his phone, putting it away as Zen sat down. He handed the bowl with the spoon over.

‘’Thanks,’’ Finn said.

Zen nodded, and Finn turned his attention to the TV. ‘’So.’’ Zen poked at his food. ‘’What do you think of it so far?’’ He gestured his fork at the screen.

‘’Well,’’ Finn began, eyes still. ‘’I’m not really interested in plays, they're not my thing, but I heard you and Jaehee talk about this a few times,’’ he said. ‘’I figured it would be more entertaining, since it’s you. I could try to imagine what you’re thinking in the moment.’’ Finn faced Zen now. ‘’You look very devoted.’’

Zen wasn’t sure what to say, so he stared.

Finn turned red and looked back to the TV. ‘’S-sorry,’’ he stuttered. ‘’That was embarrassing.’’

Zen regained his composure and chuckled. ‘’I’d expect that sort of thing from Jaehee, but you’re already so invested, and you haven’t even watched it yet.’’ Zen flashed a smirk. ‘’I do seem to have quite the charm.’’

Finn grumbled something and shoved some noodles into his mouth. 

His smirk turned to a grin. ''Sorry, sorry.'' He looked Finn up and down. ''Are you sure you don't want to borrow a shirt? Yours is soaked.''

Finn shook his head. ''No, you've already done a lot for me... I think I'd feel bad taking your clothes, too.'' 

''It's alright. Never feel bad to ask for help, okay?''

Finn nodded, but didn't say anything after that.

Zen was on the brink of falling asleep when he felt something press against his shoulder. Finn whispered his name, and he shot awake.

‘’It’s over,’’ Finn said, meaning the musical.

Zen stifled a yawn. ''Already?''

''You've been out for two hours,'' Finn told him.

Zen shuffled on his knees toward the TV. ''Oh, sorry...'' He popped the disc out and turned the TV by hand. Zen stood as Finn began collecting their bowls. ‘’Are you sure you want to stay?’’ Zen asked.

This made Finn pause. He bit his lip and thought it through for a moment. ‘’Yeah, if you’re sure you’re okay with it.’’

Zen nodded and took the dishes from Finn’s hands. ‘’It’s good,’’ he assured him. Finn murmured a thanks and Zen took the dishes to the sink. After he washed them, dried his hands off, he turned to see Finn on the couch, looking a bit conflicted. ‘’Something wrong?’’ Zen asked.

Finn jumped a bit. ‘’No, just…’’ he trailed off. Zen titled his head in an effort to coax him along. ‘’Just,’’ he began again, ‘’can I ask you something?’’

‘’Sure. What is it?’’

‘’Do you think you’re an open person?’’

Another thing he wasn’t expecting tonight. He considered the question for a moment. ‘’I think to certain people I can be.’’

Finn hummed in response.

‘’Why?’’ Zen questioned.

‘’Ah, no reason really.’’

Zen frowned. ‘’Do you think you are?’’ he asked Finn.

He thought through the question just as Zen did, then, ‘’I think I’m trying to be.’’ 

**Extra: 707 & Finn’s phone call**

I didn’t anticipate a call from anyone, especially not Seven. ‘’Hello?’’

‘’Hello, hello! You are today’s lucky winner!’’

‘’Seven…’’

‘’You’ve been selected to have a Happy Wizard visit you today! Unfortunately, it seems his magic staff is acting up today, and he's much too great to ride a bus, so I will have to fill in for him.’’

‘’A Happy Wizard, huh?’’

‘’Yes! We’ve received intel that you are not in good spirits.’’

It’s hard not to crack a smile, no matter how small, at Seven’s antics. ‘’Mind telling me what made you come to that conclusion?’’

‘’Why, of course, lucky winner.’’

‘’I’m listening.’’

‘’Number one! Suspicious wording on the messenger. Number two! Suspicious amount of time spent inside. Sources say you work today, Mr. Winner. Number three! Suspicious moping as you left your apartment, and you are yet to return.’’ 

‘’Seven, I thought you were a slave or something. How do you have time to watch me?’’

He ignores my question. ‘’Where are you, I wonder?’’

‘’You already know.’’

‘’Ahaha, sharp. Mind telling me what made you come to that conclusion?’’

‘’Hmm, I thought I was being visited by the Happy Wizard. Where’s my happiness?’’

‘’Bartering, I see. Fine, I’ll tell you one good joke, and you tell me what I want to know.’’

‘’Deal.’’

‘’Alrighty, let me think. Okay, I got it. Have you heard of Murphy’s law?

‘’Yes, anything that can go wrong will go wrong.’’

‘’Well, have you heard of Cole’s law?’’

‘’No.’’

‘’It’s thinly-sliced cabbage mixed with mayonnaise.’’

That manages to get a chuckle out of me. ‘’Do you only know dad jokes?’’

‘’Okay, okay, how about this: A man has been stealing wheels off police cars. Police are working tirelessly to catch him.’’

‘’Eh, not bad.’’

‘’Oh, I see.’’ He lowers his voice. ‘’You want something more scandalous.’’

‘’Seven.’’ I peek over my shoulder at Zen. He’s still tending to the food. 

‘’Haha, alright. I’ll spare you. Now, your turn to hold up your end of the bargain. How’d you know I know where you are?’’

‘’Well, you didn’t ask me on the messenger, didn’t even mention it. You were pretty calm. I think you’d be a bit more hectic if you didn’t know where I was, because you’re you. You have no morals. Imagine if God 707 couldn’t track someone down, all hell would break loose.’’

He laughs. ‘’You’re too observant for your own good. Or maybe I’ve just let my guard down. Careful, Finn, don’t get too close,’’ he teases. 

‘’Right, right, have to protect the superhero’s identity.’’ The other side is quiet for a while. ‘’Seven?’’

‘’Hey, Finn, would you still look at me the same if I were a villain?’’ 

‘’Uh-’’

‘’Ah, never mind.’’ A strained chuckle. ‘’Tell Zen ‘night for me. Bye!’’

I whisper, ‘’Seven?’’ No response. The line is dead.

❤


	10. Okay... Maybe I Am a Little Scared of Her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> consistent uploading schedule what's that  
> honestly i don't have enough self-control to wait a week until i upload another chapter lol  
> eventually, updates will slow down though, once i get to the point where i don't have pre-written content
> 
> enjjjoooyyy

It’s quiet in Zen’s apartment, only the occasional rush of car passing by finding its way through the thin walls. Sometimes I hear footsteps.

I haven’t checked the time yet, I can’t bring myself to do anything but stare up at the ceiling. My eyes just won’t close.

I can’t sleep.

What a burden I must be. Worrying people, forgetting work, now I’m on Zen’s couch. I didn’t think of anyone but myself. When was the last time I felt like that, so out of touch? I sit up, the blanket slips off my shoulders. Years ago, surely, but I must’ve not done a good job at burying those feelings.

A light flickers on in the hallway as I stand. Zen pads out, silent in socks. He freezes when he sees me, then loosens up with a sigh.

‘’Can’t sleep either?’’ he asks.

‘’No.’’

He shuffles into his kitchen. ‘’Want some water?’’

‘’Please.’’

He pulls out two glasses and holds them under the tap. I grab my phone off the couch. Past the blinding light, it says it’s around 4:00 AM. A clink, Zen puts the glasses on the table. I put my phone away and walk over to the table, take a cup in my hand, gripping, not drinking. Zen downs his in a second.

‘’So,’’ I start, staring at the quivering liquid in the glass, ‘’I’m sorry about all of this.’’

‘’It’s okay. I told you I don’t mind.’’

‘’No, not just about staying here, but for worrying you, taking up your time, for… Gosh.’’ I would have buried my face in my hands had it not been for the cup of water.

‘’For?’’ he echos.

‘’For having… for… can I borrow some money?’’ I finally mutter.

He chuckles, sort of a groggy sound. ‘’Yeah, no problem.’’ I mumble a thank you and take a sip of water, not meeting his eyes. ‘’Hey, hey, it’s okay.’’ His hand pats my arm. ‘’It’s not like it’s some dirty deal. I’m glad to help you out. Just buy me some taiyaki in return,’’ he says. ‘’And make sure to cheer me on for my new role.’’

‘’What? Wait, when?”

‘’Got the news yesterday morning. You’re the first to know.’’

‘’Wow, that’s great, Zen. Okay, then, I’ll be your biggest behind the scenes supporter. What’s it about?’’

‘’I’ll tell you later on the messenger.’’

‘’Want to brag to everyone?’’

‘’Hey, I’m excited, you can’t blame me for that.’’ He turns away to set his cup in his sink. ‘’Anyway, what time do you have to leave?’’

‘’Um, soon, actually. Since I have to go back to the apartment and everything.’’

‘’Okay, let me go get what you need.’’ He holds up a finger and disappears around the hall.

I finish my water and set the cup in the sink next to Zen’s. By the couch, I spend a second grabbing my shoes. I’m pretty sure Zen was too disturbed by my crying to tell me to take them off, but I ended up stuffing them in a corner next to the TV. They’re still a bit damp as I slide them on.

‘’Here.’’ Zen hands me a bill and some change when I stand. ‘’Night is always more expensive,’’ he mutters, walking with me to the door. He turns the knob and holds it open.

We say goodbye, and I expect that to be that, but he calls my name.

He leans out of his door, clinging onto the door frame. ‘’You can talk to me anytime, okay? All of us, the RFA.’’

The look on his face is hard to place, I’m not exactly sure what he wants to hear, but I give him a small smile. ‘’I know.’’ 

Going down the elevator feels the same as before.

Thoughts in my head, pestering me. Feelings of guilt, and it’s just as cold outside.

Before, there was someone waiting for me on the curb, called my name and helped me focus on something else, but not now. I’m alone with the apprehension all the way back to Rika’s.

My mind likes to be cruel, it seems. I know I’m guilty, I know I’m sorry. I know I’m nervous, I know what I’m going to do. So why do I have to distract myself?

Another ride in an elevator, and I open the door to Rika’s. It’s just a bit more inviting than usual.

I drop all my clothes, one by one, making a line of them to the bathroom. To the side the shower curtains go as I turn the handle. In a few minutes, fog encompasses everything.

Hot water, such a nice thing. I let it saturate me, scald me, slip into every little space because I know I have to go back into the cold. And even after my skin is tingling, ants crawling over me, it’s hard to turn the shower handle again. Hard to step out and meet the foggy mirror, but I do it.

I step over my clothes and pick my shoes up. One by one, by the laces, and set them on the couch. My towel drops to my feet and I dress. Shoes go back on, and I’m taking a seat on the bus again.

5:24 AM.

Not early, not late.

The library doors are already unlocked, but I don’t go inside; I sit on the stone steps, let them steal my warmth. I’m waiting with butterflies in my stomach. There are some things that just have to be done. Things that you really want to avoid, but would never forget if you didn't. The sun is just beginning to crawl across the parking lot when Cade’s car does.

He gets out and slams his door. His eyes aren’t in front of him; they look down at his phone.

‘’Cade…’’ They meet mine now. ‘’I’m sorry. Really, really, sorry. I--’’

I can’t form words anymore when he wraps his arms around me. ‘’Bullshit,’’ he grumbles into my hair. ‘’You’re just scared of Miyoung beating your ass.’’

It takes a moment for my hands to find his back, but when they do, it’s nice. Really nice. I forgot how comforting a hug is.

‘’No, I really am sorry. I should have thought about you.’’ My hands slide down his back, returning to my side. He lets go and I look up at him. ‘’I’ll try harder.’’

He harshly shakes his head, sending his curls flying. ‘’You don’t have to. I shouldn’t have brought it up.’’ He slides a hand up his neck. ‘’You have your reasons for what you do, and I shouldn’t pressure you to tell me what they are.’’

‘’I should have thought of you, Cade,’’ I tell him. ‘’You shouldn’t have to worry about me, that’s selfish on my part.’’

No response comes out of him; he steeps in the quiet, like he’s waiting for me to take back my words. Finally, he yields with a nod. ‘’Thank you,’’ is what he says.

‘’Here.’’ I present my phone to him, hold out my other hand to take his.

A coy look crosses his face. ‘’Are you sure I’m worthy of this?’’

‘’Take it before I change my mind.’’ He exchanges his coyness for a smile, and does as he’s told, handing his own phone over. We exchange numbers, and as we’re walking into the library, I tell him, ‘’Don’t abuse your power.’’

He holds the door open. ‘’Never.’’

Not a second after we are visible from the front counter do I hear my last name being called. Something that would make only my blood cold.

‘’Want help with that?’’ Cade hangs back.

I wave off his offer, and head deeper into Miyoung’s dark gaze. Dark as in shade, but I do wonder what’s going on in her head, too.

‘’Would you like to apologize first?’’ she asks, indignant.

‘’My stores haven’t run low just yet.’’

‘’Save the jokes, Vorobyov. I’m going to go easy on you because this has never happened before, but I want to hear your excuse.’’

‘’Right…’’

The arches in her eyebrows flatten, and the tense corners of her mouth fall. ‘’Is everything okay?’’ Like someone snapped their fingers.

‘’Yes, I’m fine. There’s not much I can say besides I wasn’t feeling well yesterday.’’

‘’You didn’t even call in,’’ she points out.

‘’I know, I’m sorry. I zoned out.’’

She gives a slow nod, taking it in. Then her stone mask is back. ‘’Alright, don’t let it happen again.’’

‘’I won’t.’’

She rolls backwards in her chair and resumes her work. I peek over the counter a bit, trying to catch her eye as she bends down.

She heaves a big stack of paper out of the unknown, asking expectantly, ‘’Yes?’’

‘’Don’t tell me I’m pushing it, but I need off in seven days.’’

‘’So suddenly. Could I ask why?’’

‘’Um, well, I’m going to this event,’’ I say. ‘’A charity event,’’ I add in after, as if that’ll make it more palatable.

The papers she was looking through are abandoned as she tips down her glases. She considers me throughly for the first time since I started working here. She hums. ‘’I’ll let you know before you leave.’’

It’s more than I was expecting, so I take it.

I’m helping a mother and her daughter find a very elusive book when my phone rings--I forgot to turn it off.

The mom glances at me, that subtle disapproving look that all women seem to have shackled somewhere inside them.

‘’I’m sorry, excuse me.’’ I turn my back, about to end the call when I see the ID. My thumb immediately veers away from that big, red button. Thankfully, the lady’s back is turned to me--she’s stopping her kid from licking cook book pictures--so she doesn’t see the unsure, twitchy way I dart my head from her to my phone.

Green wins over red and I answer the call.

‘’Um, V, could you give me a moment?’’ I stuff my phone away and return my attention to the lady and her daughter, then the bookshelves. The universe must like me today, because the first thing that catches my eye is the exact book I’ve been scouring for. ‘’Here we are.’’

This draws the woman’s attention away from her kid, and she takes the book from my extended hand.

‘’Thank you, sir,’’ she says, a bit curt, then hurries to drag her daughter away from her taste testing.

Relieved, and not the least bit offended, I retrieve the man waiting for me from in my pocket. ‘’Hello?’’ Testing, testing, to see if he stuck around.

‘’Hello, Finn.’’

He must hear me sigh. ‘’Sorry, I had to deal with something.’’

‘’Of course,’’ he says. ‘’You come first.’’

‘’Thank you. Ah, so, um, is there something you needed to discuss?’’

‘’Yes, first, I wanted to check in on you. I stopped by, but the others said you haven’t been on in a little while.’’

‘’I see. Well, I’ve been… busy.’’

‘’That’s alright. Oh, I should probably get to what I was going to say, huh?’’ There’s no way I would ever have the guts to tell him to hurry it up, but I appreciate his haste. ‘’I wanted to properly apologize for putting pressure on you by setting the party date so soon. I’m more than grateful that you trusted in my decision.’’

‘’You’re fine. Things have been running smoothly, afterall. There’s only a week left, I don’t think too much could go wrong in that time.’’

‘’Thank you. That soothes my worry.’’ He drones, presumably thinking. ‘’Can I ask how handling guest recommendations has been?’’

I wonder if I should mention Seven’s troll email as a joke. ‘’It’s been going fine. Like the last time, it’s no trouble. They all seem to be eager.’’

‘’You haven’t encountered anything out of the ordinary?’’

‘’Why do you ask?’’

A seemingly well-practiced chuckle is what I get before a response. ‘’No reason, simply curiosity.’’ 

‘’No, it’s a pretty mellow job.’’

‘’Mmm, that’s good to know.’’

Someone stumbling through the aisle next to me catches my eye. ‘’Oh, I have to go.’’

‘’Okay, thank you for taking time for me.’’

‘’Of course, I’ll see you.’’ I want to say ‘soon’, but that doesn’t feel appropriate with V. ‘’Bye.’’ My phone goes away, and I rush over to help a boy who struggles to carry his books.

I’m happy to see his stack consists of many plant related books. A little botanist in the making. When I pluck a few books off his dubious pile, he looks up at me in surprise. It morphs to this look of wonder only children can muster.

‘’Let me help.’’

Usually, I don’t care for children. I just can’t get past certain aspects, like all the screaming and their mysterious jam hands. But, on occasion, I’ll find myself wanting to ruffle their hair and run around with them on my shoulders. Occasionally. And this kid’s dark, wide eyes hit me right there in that spot, deep, deep, down in me.

‘’Thank you very much.’’ He mumbles his shy little reply as we walk to the table his mother sits at.

She gives me a groggy smile as I set down the books, I manage to return it before I see Miyoung motion me over with a finger.

‘’We’ll see how it goes,’’ she starts the moment my hands brush the counter, ‘’but at least for now, you’re clear to have off on the 23rd.’’ After my third ‘thank you’, she waves me away, and I head over to the computers to take a moment to myself. To my surprise, Jinho is not in his usual seat, so I occupy it for him. 

_You have 1 missed call(s) and 3 new email(s)_

Jumin Han: Good to see you, Finn.

Yoosung★: Finn! I’m glad you’re on T_T

707: Heya Finn ^^ 

707: I was wondering if u were going to play hookey again lolol

Finn: Hey, guys.

Finn: Lol nope, Seven. 

Finn: Gonna try not to fall off the planet again ^^;

Jumin Han: I think it’s appropriate to take a break every now and then.

707: Yeah! Keeps u sharp

Yoosung★: Funny hearing that come from you two… ;;

Finn: They were just destined to be work addicts

Yoosung★: I thought that’s what drugs were for

Jumin Han: …

Jumin Han: I’m not sure I’d compare the two.

707: lolol Jumin have u had a taste of the wild side?

Finn: Speaking of workaholics…

Finn: Is Zen on?

Jumin Han: Yes, he has been loitering around.

Yoosung★: Yeah, he’s been in the chat room for a while

Yoosung★: Said he was waiting for you and Jaehee??

707: Something about a new role.

_Jaehee Kang has entered the chat room_

Finn: Oh, a new role. I see. Hmm.

Finn: Hi, Jaehee.

Jaehee Kang: Hello, everyone. 

Jaehee Kang: I came as soon as I had a break.

Jaehee Kang: Is Zen here?

Yoosung★: It says he’s online

707: Maybe we just need to call his name

Jumin Han: Please do not spam the chat.

Finn: Can someone message him?

Jaehee Kang: I will.

_Jaehee Kang has left the chat room_

Yoosung★: He’s probably just in the shower.

Jumin Han: Most likely staring at his reflection.

707: Bet he’s dancing around

Finn: I’d guess he’s sleeping.

707: Ohhhh ;)

Jumin Han: Excuse me?

Finn: Seven.

Yoosung★: Wha?

ZEN: I’m back!

_Jaehee Kang has entered the chat room_

ZEN: Sorry, I was getting out of the shower.

Yoosung★: Aha!!

Finn: It’s good.

Jaehee Kang: It’s all right.

ZEN: Well, I won’t let you all wait any longer.

Jumin Han: What were we waiting for, exactly?

707: Come on, Jumin. Be happy for Zen.

Finn: Friends are happy for friends

ZEN: Friends…

Jumin Han: I’d say we are more like forced aqquantances.

Finn: Fine, fine.

Jaehee Kang: Zen, go ahead.

ZEN: Thank you.

ZEN: Well, it all began yesterday morning

Finn: pff..

Yoosung★: Zen ;;

707: Zen this isn’t ur life story

Jumin Han: Perhaps you should focus on the point.

ZEN: Dang, fine.

ZEN: Like you all know, I got a new role. I’ll be working with some really talented people.

ZEN: I’m pretty proud of myself ^^

Jaehee Kang: You should be. 

ZEN: Thank you, Jaehee. Anyway, the story is about two princes.

ZEN: Their names’ are Eglantine and Amaranth.

Yoosung★: What type of names are that? ;;

707: lol EGGlantine

Finn: They sound like plants?

ZEN: Each came from two separate kingdoms, but were forced together.

ZEN: Eglantine was stolen from his castle as a young boy.

Jumin Han: How grim.

ZEN: And Amaranth, who had no kingdom to protect him

ZEN: was deceived and taken away.

Jaehee Kang: By who were they taken?

ZEN: A princess.

ZEN: Her name is Lobelia. 

ZEN: She wishes happiness for all, and created a haven where all are free from sorrow.

Yoosung★: That doesn’t sound too bad.

Finn: But she just took people by force.

707: she’s a kidnapper?

Jumin Han: Forced gratification?

ZEN: I guess.

ZEN: Her backstory seems pretty messed up, but I forgot.

ZEN: I think there’s another prince. Or he’s a common man. His name is Mallow.

Yoosung★: Who wrote this? Lol

Finn: Seems interesting.

Jumin Han: Yes… I’m almost tempted to watch it.

Finn: I’d definitely read it if it were a book.

Jaehee Kang: What role are you playing, Zen?

707: The princess, I bet haha

ZEN: I’ll be acting as Amaranth.

Finn: Nice, Zen.

Finn: I hope you do good. (o^^o)

ZEN: Yup! Don’t forget, you have to cheer me on.

Yoosung★: Since when does he have to do that?

707: Better pull out the pom poms, Finn

Jaehee Kang: I’m glad I won’t be the only one encouraging Zen ^^

Jumin Han: Do you two have some sort of pact?

ZEN: No.

Finn: No. Just friends helping friends.

Jumin Han: You seem very calm, Assistant Kang.

Jaehee Kang: Why wouldn’t I be?

707: lol ur usually really territorial over Zen

Yoosung★: omg seven

Yoosung★: He’s right though lollol

Jaehee Kang: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

ZEN: Jaehee’s just a really dedicated fan.

Jaehee Kang: Yes, he’s not property to be owned.

Finn: Oh, guys, gotta go! 

Finn: Thanks for all the emails, I’ll check them out later.

**R.F.A**

This conversation will be archived in the RFA records,

I hereby agree to treat this conversation as confidential

After almost being caught by Miyoung--who got out from behind the counter for once--I turn my phone off. It stays put away for the rest of the day, until I get home and set it aside. My wack sleep schedule has rendered my body confused; my limbs are tired, but my brain is not. Yet, I collapse onto the bed, wish Minty goodnight, and drift off.

❤


	11. Too Many Eyes, Too Many Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im never writing another first person fic again

The woods have a certain charm to them.

Trees with their seemingly endless stretch of canopy, green arms reaching to the sky. How it’s always hushed, but every new turn brings you face to face with life. The dull, sure scent around you, rich with growth. It’s akin to a treasure hunt.

What can you find?

What will you see?

Hidden gold, fossilized streams.

But there’s also that edge, the part you might never see until you fall over it.

More life means more eyes watching you. Entwined branches blocking out the sun. Stories that come from deep in the hollows, only whispered, never seen. Some souls disappear and never come back.

That’s why I stick to the trails.

I’ll admit it was a bit ambitious to take an hour ride out of the city just to visit this place, but the deeper I go, the less I regret it. Bird song is something strange to me now; it’s been a while since I’ve heard anything other than the rush of traffic. My whole being seems to shrink, relax. I am small here, my worries are nothing compared to subsistence in this forest. It’s exactly what I want.

With two days left until the party, my mind really needs to focus on something other than what could go wrong. Granted, it might have been smarter to go someplace with reception, so I could go over the last few emails. But who knows where my thoughts would go then.

I step over a log that is haggard, swollen and wet from morning snow. There’s rustling in the distance, the sharp chirp of a bird, and the next step I take gives a sharp crack. When I lift my foot, there’s no splintered stick, but when I lift my head, there are two people.

They round a bush, shoulders touching, laughing, until they see me. Their faces fall and turn wary. Passing them is strange, and I’m drawn to look over my shoulder. One of them had the same idea.

We lock gazes and he says, ‘’Some creepy witch shit down there.’’

The girl at his side clutches his sleeve. ‘’Babe!’’ she hisses.

‘’Uh, should I be worried?’’

‘Babe’ gets a glare from her until it’s turned towards me. ‘’It was probably just some hobos. They’re long gone now, they would freeze to death.’’’ She tugs at her boyfriend. ‘’Let’s go.’’ He sends me a two finger salute--something I cannot interpret at all--and they walk back down the trail.

‘’Witch stuff,’’ I mumble to myself. My shoulder skims the bush the couple passed, it’s bare branches tugging at my clothing like boney fingers. It lets go with a snap as I continue onward. I consider the skeletons of trees with more heedfulness.

The likelihood of finding a witch hanging out on a branch, chewing on a bat leg or something, isn’t high. But ‘Babe’ didn’t specify exactly what ‘shit’ I should be looking out for.

After tens minutes or so of peaceful walking, I’m weighing my choices. With the sun beginning to set, by the time I get out of here, it might be dark. But, my curiosity begs to be considered. What was it that those two saw out there?

Sensibility wins over, and I start my trek back. Turns out, I passed what I was looking for.

Nestled in a circle of trees, cloaked by the gray and brown of bark, are black tents.

Their slouched posture and faded color are evidence they’ve been here for a while. The girl was right that it looks like it belonged to someone homeless, but as I poke around, I see what her boyfriend meant by creepy.

Glasses holding murky substances and yellowed, torn pages with bleeding words. Something blocky and white sits under a tree that has strange symbols strung in it. After approaching the tree, I see the white shape is a cooler, stained, but empty.

It seems that this place is both a combination of the creepy and unfortunate.

I nudge the cooler closed with my foot and bring my head up to face the tents.

From the front, you wouldn’t be able to see it, the white lines. They're dried in the motion of dripping down the sides of the tents. They seem to be a poor graffiti job. The artist was struggling, trying to figure out what to make.

But as I shift my weight, I see it’s no mistake.

With my back pressed against the rough bark of the tree, the one with hanging symbols, I see the whole picture.

An eye.

Everything was positioned in such a way that if you were to stand just in the right spot, the lines would merge together.

It’s awful. Angry and oozing.

It’s just art. Just art, but the air goes eerie, like the woods holds its breath for me. A shiver runs up my spine and pierces through my head, splitting open a memory.

I’ve seen this eye before. It’s a clumsy memory, but I know I have. On some wall, on some paper, somewhere, though it wasn’t white.

The familiarity of it is enough to get me back on the trail. It’s getting dark, and I don’t know if this place is truly abandoned, after all.

It’s a long ride back to Rika’s, and time is not to blame. Since I stepped out of the woods, the itch of not knowing where I saw the eye has clung to my back. Right out of reach of my hands. I almost wish I was worrying about the party again. Leaving the bus does offer me a moment of relief, however.

Standing near the bus stop, backs against the stone wall of an empty building, are three men. That wouldn’t normally be anything out of the ordinary. They could just be waiting for the bus. But their strange attire, the way they bother passerbyers by grabbing their shoulders and shoving something in their hands, that’s what catches my attention.

The deliberate distance I put between them and myself must be obvious; their eyes trail me. I know this because I make the gutsy mistake of looking back. One of them starts to walk after me, but is stopped when one of the others puts a hand on their shoulder.

Seems I’m not their target audience.

This eases me enough that I shove my hands in my pockets until I get to the apartment. I waste no time kicking off my shoes, and throw myself on the couch. Nothing much more needs to be said besides I spend the next half an hour plaguing my search history with eye symbolism related topics. Sadly, it’s pretty fruitless. I’m not anymore satisfied by the time I get on the messenger.

707: Jiji!

707: Jiji!

707: Jiji!

Jaehee Kang: I told you, I’m not going to name it.

Finn: What is going on

707: Finn, u have to help convince Jumin to adopt Jaehee’s cat!

Jaehee Kang: It is not my cat ;;

Finn: Jaehee… cat…

Finn: Please explain lol

Jumin Han: Assistant Kang found a kitten outside a bakery she frequents.

Jumin Han: And Luciel would like to name it Jiji.

Jaehee Kang: And he wants Mr. Han to adopt it.

707: U already have Elizabeth. What’s the harm of one more to love? >3<

Finn: Well, you definitely can’t leave it with Jaehee.

Finn: Wouldn’t be good for either of them…

Jumin Han: Elizabeth 3rd is a delicate creature. She does not do well with change.

Finn: Why do you want to name it Jiji, Seven?

707: Jaehee said it’s a black cat, and she found it in front of a bakery.

707: It’s perfect lolol

Finn: That is cute.

Finn: Do you think it has an owner?

Jaehee Kang: Most likely not.

Jumin Han: Maybe Zen or Yoosung will take care of it.

707: U do remember Zen hates cats, right?

Jaehee Kang: He’s allergic.

Jumin Han: Then Yoosung.

Finn: You’d put a kitten in Yoosung’s hands?

Jumin Han: Good point.

707: How about u, Finn?

Finn: Eh, I don’t know.

Finn: It probably wouldn’t have a very fulfilling life with me ;;

Jaehee Kang: A shelter is our last choice.

707: So sad T_T

Finn: Shelters here aren’t very kind…

Finn: And I believe we still have one option.

Jumin Han: What’s that?

Finn: ^^

Jumin Han: No.

Jumin Han: I gave you my reasons already.

707: Don’t u think Elly gets lonely, though?

Jaehee Kang: She’s a cat.

Finn: Jumin, Elizabeth would have a friend.

Finn: And Jiji would have the best life ever lol

Finn: You don’t even have to name it that.

Jumin Han: Finn.

Finn: Think about it?

707: T_T siigh, it’s useless

Jumin Han: Fine. I’ll consider it.

Finn: Thank you! ´･ᴗ･`

Jaehee Kang: Thank goodness.

707: what omg Jumin

Jaehee Kang: Please make it fast, Mr. Han. I don’t want to go out

Jaehee Kang: and buy cat food...

Jumin Han: This isn’t something to be rushed.

Jumin Han: Now, if this discussion is over, please excuse me.

Jaehee Kang: ;;

707: See ya

Finn: Bye, Jumin.

_Jumin Han has left the chat room_

Jaehee Kang: Oh no… I think the cat is getting into something.

Jaehee Kang: I have to go.

Finn: Okay, good luck. Bye.

_Jaehee Kang has left the chat room_

707: I wish I could have a cat ;;

Finn: Seven, you don’t even know how to care of yourself lol

Finn: How would you take care of a kitten?

707: Simple. I’m alive, am I not?

707: I’ll convert Jiji to the seven zero seven religion

707: He’ll be the first kitty hacker in the world!

Finn: Well, it’s better than what I thought you might say…

707: No faith in me >.<

Finn: Haha, sorry.

Finn: Are you too upset to answer a question of mine?

707: No, I’m not that wounded.

707: What’s up?

Finn: Do you know anything about what an eye might represent?

707: Mmm, u have to be more specific. What type of eye?

Finn: A symbol. Maybe a sigil.

Finn: A logo of some sorts?

707: U have a picture of it?

Finn: Dang, no. I should’ve thought of that.

707: Well, it might be hard without seeing the design.

707: But the only thing I can think of off the top of my head is

707: the Evil Eye.

707: The symbols u usually see relating to it are protection charms, tho

Finn: Yeah, I read about that.

Finn: Wasn’t what I’m looking for.

Finn: Thanks anyway, though ^^

707: Course. Can I ask why you want to know?

Finn: No reason really.

Finn: Just something I thought of while up too late at night.

707: Okie dokie.

707: Welp, I gotta get going.

707: See you soon!

Finn: Yup!

_707 has left the chat room_

**R.F.A**

This conversation will be archived in the RFA records,

I hereby agree to treat this conversation as confidential

❤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some of my keys arent working properly  
> this may affect updates
> 
> have a good day/night (•‿•)


	12. Wow, the Ceiling is Spinning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wOOooOOOoOo  
> didnt proofread this

It’s impressive.

No, impressive is not the right word.

Grand? Magnificent? Breathtaking?

Ah, I’ve got it.

Imposing. That’s what it is. To see all these guests lined up, filing through the doors next to me. They’re expected, but expecting, and I hope I’ve delivered because there’s no going back now.

‘’Relax, Finn,’’ Jaehee reminds me. ‘’You look stiff.’’

Taking a break from shaking hands, I glance to my side. Jaehee has that perfect, professional smile on. Blinding, not a tooth out of place. She knows when to take it out and put it away.

She takes a moment to use it on me, and I try to give her my inept one in turn. I’m unable to, however, as the next guest comes up and grips my hand.

‘’Finn, my boy!’’ A man with an intimidating mustache thrashes my arm around in his zealous handshake. I recognize him, mainly his shiny bald head, as the hair care man Zen recommended.

‘’Ah, nice to see you, Mr. Charles.’’ He lets go of my hand. I ignore the ache. ‘’Please enjoy the party.’’

‘’You can count on that!’’ I’m sure he smiles, I just can’t see it behind all that hair. He disappears into the main room, the one place I haven’t set foot yet.

The moment I stumbled out of the bus--late, of course--and set foot on the venue parking lot, I was whipped away by Jaehee. All while I was still adjusting my tie.

I haven’t even seen the product of my planning. Or the other RFA members, for that matter. Besides Jaehee.

Said brunette was bright and perky in the beginning, but now she’s starting to look like she’s wilting.

When there’s a lull in the guest line, I lean over and ask, ‘’How many more?’’

She doesn’t answer me at first, just glares down at the clipboard in her hand, eyes darting back and forth. When she gets to the last page in the guest list, an expression of relief washes over her face. ‘’Not many more.’’ She looks at her watch. ‘’And if they don’t show up within a few minutes, they’ll be late.’’ Then she looks at me. ‘’Which means you don’t have to greet them.’’

‘’Just a couple more minutes?’’

‘’Just a couple more minutes,’’ she confirms.

Ten or twenty minutes pass and they harbor no more people. I’m more than grateful. Jaehee doesn’t seem to share my relief, however.

One of her nicely done nails taps against the wood of her clipboard.

‘’Is everything okay?’’

The steely look that was building up on her face softens some. ‘’Yes, everything is fine.’’ While peering around the hall corner, she says, ‘’Why don’t you head in? It’s about time.’’

Now I’m uncertain to leave the spot I desperately wanted to get away from. The glance she shoots me ushers me along, though.

Large, wooden doors are between me and what I’ve been waiting for all evening. What I’ve been waiting for. But I can’t step through them without a deep breath. In, out, and in again as I push through them.

Now this, this is grand, impressive, breathtaking.

It’s a sea of energy and color. The lights, the decorations, the people.

The plants, plants, plants.

Like stepping into another world. The lime green lights strung above coat me, everything, everyone, in a dizzying hue. There might be music, I almost catch the tinny of it, but then I see the stage.

I thought the floor was alight. No, it cowers beneath the enormity that is the stage.

Clad in ivy and dressed with delicate white flowers. My feet move without aid towards it, slinking past others before I thread my fingers through the subtle, white flowers.

Baby’s breath. Everlasting love.

‘’It’s like a jungle in here.’’ Yoosung stands beside me, reaching out and feeling over an ivy leaf.

‘’It’s wonderful.’’

A laugh bursts from his chest. ‘’Yeah, it is.’’ He spins and I reel around to follow. He spreads his arms wide, engulfing the floor. ‘’What do you think? Your first party.’’

''I think…’’ He looks at me expectantly. ‘’It’s more than I thought it would be.’’

‘’I think that’s the magic of it,’’ Yoosung says. His arms fall to his side, and his smile is visible as he turns. ‘’When Rika was here, I knew we could do it. She made sure we did. But it was always so much more than I thought it could be.’’

‘’I don’t think I’m comparable to her.’’

‘’I think you have her magic.’’ When he says this, his eyes are glazed, his smile gone. He doesn’t look like him. Doesn’t look like he sees me.

‘’Yoosung, are--’’

‘’Oiii! Finn!’’ We both whip our heads to the swarm of the crowd to see Seven wading through it. He’s jostled then spat out, on full view for me to skim him up and down. His eyes do the same to me.

‘’Wow, I didn’t think you owned a comb,’’ I tell him.

He puts on that gawky smile of his. ‘’You think I can’t say the same to you?’’ I swat at his hand that plucks a strand of my gelled hair out of place. ‘’Same suit as always, I see, Yoosung,’’ Seven comments.

‘’Well, yeah.’’ Yoosung crosses his arms and peers out in the crowd. ‘’These things are expensive, you know.’’

‘’Yes, they are…’’ In an effort to forget the chunk I had to take out of my wallet, I scan the crowd like Yoosung.

‘’Aw, man. You could have asked to borrow a suit, Finn,’’ Seven tells me, grabbing my arm. ‘’Though, I don’t think I realized how much of a twig you are.’’ He circles his hand around my wrist and laughs.

‘’Okay, okay, enough commentary. Thanks for the offer, but we don’t have the same style.’’

His hand retreats, he says, ‘’Sorry.’’

‘’It’s fine. Have you seen the others?’’

This draws Yoosung’s attention back to us. ‘’I saw Zen over by the lounge. He was talking with some lady.’’ His bottom lip sticks out and his eyes turn to slits. ‘’I tried to save him, but I was afraid she would bite my head off, so I left.’’

Seven puts a hand on his friend’s shoulder. ‘’Very good life preservation skills.’’

‘’I’m gonna go see if I have better luck.’’ The moment I step away from the safety of the stage, someone taps my shoulder. A guest, the representative of Chu and Bak, if I remember correctly. She says something I can’t catch.

I put my arms out in defense of her encroaching. ‘’I’m sorry, I’m a bit busy right now. I’ll get back to you.’’ A couple steps backward for good measure, then I turn on my heel.

Tall, white dividers offer the lounge some privacy, blocking out some noise.

Sight.

Turning the corner results in me almost trampling a woman. I stub my toe against the back of her heel, causing her to stumble forward and her fruity-smelling drink to slosh in its glass.

‘’I’m so sorry.’’ My teeth dig into my cheek as the woman turns around to face me. An eyebrow rises to her hairline, which is saying something. She has her hair pulled up in a severe bun, makeup covers her face in expert layers, and her eyes are sharp and fierce. It doesn’t take much effort to realize who this might be, and I only feel worse.

‘’It’s okay,’’ she says, evidently trying to be nice. Her eyes leave mine for a subtle moment, taking me in. ‘’Is there something you need?’’

‘’Oh, right.’’ Of course, she doesn’t know who I am. ‘’I’m Finn, the party coordinator. I assume you are the representative of...’’ A moment where I wonder if I should say her organization name out loud. ‘’Of the orchid group,’’ is what I settle for. 

It takes a moment for her to soak in the situation, but then she smiles at me. ‘’Oh, you’re Finn! Lovely to meet you.’’ A wide smile plasters itself to her mouth, and I can only hope it’s real. ‘’Zen was telling me about you.’’ She steps forward and puts a hand on my shoulder with enthusiasm. Her exposed teeth have been stained a shade of red by her lipstick.

I shouldn’t be close enough to notice that. ‘’So, Zen is here?’’ 

‘’Yes,’’ she responds before guiding me around.

In a large, L shaped couch sits a cheeky looking Zen. He isn’t alone, either. Jumin, with arms crossed, sits a few seats away, looking rather petulant. 

‘’Hey, Finn.’’ Zen winks at me, giving me a finger wave. I wonder how much of this lady and I’s interaction he saw. And how much of it he enjoyed. Jumin peers at me over his wine glass, and only nods after setting it down. The reason for his grumpy state must have to do with the woman. Zen, I settle on, then.

‘’Zen, what a surprise.’’ I offer him a cold stare, but he declines with an innocent smile. ‘’Then again, not really, you do seem to attract a wide array of women.’’ 

The woman clears her throat, not dense enough to let the implications of that slide. ‘’Ah, right. I’m sure you didn’t catch my name,’’ she says. ‘’I’m Seon-yeong Kim.’’ Her fingers cover her mouth as she giggles. Like a giddy teenage girl, she says, ‘’Hopefully Seon-yeong Han, soon.’’

A sharp clack comes from Jumin, him setting his now empty wine glass down. ‘’Finn, have a seat.’’ He gestures next to himself. '

Because I’m afraid of what he’ll do if I don’t, I oblige and sit. From here, I can see the twitch in his jaw, but his expression remains distant.

‘’Is that so?’’ Zen, always good-natured, glances only once at Jumin before responding.

‘’Yes, I’m very fortunate he’s taken a liking to such an old lady like me.’’

Jumin’s fingers strain against his blazer sleeve. I tap my finger against one of his, he barely moves his head, but he sees when I mouth ‘’I’m sorry’’, because he shakes his head. It isn’t my fault, after all.

‘’Yes, you are.’’ Zen’s reply startles me. It surprises Ms. Kim the most, but with the charming smile Zen gives her, I think she doubts herself.

‘’Haha, yes.’’ Her gaze finds mine for a moment, then back to Zen. ‘’Most women look at him for his money, but I would never. I like to think I came along at just the right time, to keep his heart from being broken by some wretched gold digger.’’

I’m bracing myself for another one of Zen’s sly replies when Yoosung and Seven come bumbling in.

It takes Seven a second to read the air. ‘’Oh, Jumin! Here you are, Yoosung and I were looking all over for you.’’ Yoosung, about to voice something unwanted, gets a swift stomp to the foot, unseen behind the coffee table. ‘’Jaehee wants to speak to all of us.’’ Seven looks to Ms. Kim now. ‘’Excuse us, ma’am.’’

Ms. Kim, tight-lipped, gives a curt nod. ‘’Jumin,’’ she starts, ‘’I hope to speak to you later.’’

‘’Of course,’’ he tells her as he stands. We all leave her behind, rounding the dividers and returning to the noise.

‘’Does Jaehee really have something to tell us?’’ I ask. My question is answered for me when I see her waving at us from by the stage.

‘’She mainly wants to talk to Jumin and you,’’ Seven says, hanging back with Zen and Yoosung.

We stand on the outskirts of the crowd. ‘’You wanted to speak to us, Jaehee?’’ 

‘’Yes, mainly you, Finn,’’ she says. ‘’You weren’t here last time to know this, but we give a speech to thank our guests.’’ Something drops to my stomach. My heart, maybe. Probably my courage. ‘’Normally, well…’’ she pauses, looks to Jumin, then continues, ‘’The party coordinator does it, but I think it would be a good idea for, you, Mr. Han, to also address everyone.’’

‘’May I ask why?’’ His words, which are usually flat, are teeming with contempt.

‘’It’s just a suggestion on my part. You are an important figure, after all,’’ she tells him. ‘’If you don’t wish to do it, I can ask V instead.’’

‘’No, I’ll do it. Tell me when I’m needed.’’ He leaves us to stare at his back.

‘’It’s his father’s girlfriend,’’ I explain after seeing her frown.

‘’I assumed as much. Though, after much time dealing with this, he has grown accustomed. There must be something more going on.’’

‘’And it has to be recent, too. He wouldn’t have invited her if he knew he couldn’t stand her, right?’’

Jaehee nods. ‘’Seems he needs a bit of time to recollect himself. Would you retrieve him for me in a little bit?’’

‘’Sure.’’

‘’Thank you.’’ She steps away, going in the direction of refreshments.

I lean back into the stage, spine digging into the wood, and flowers in my hair.

A speech, a speech, a speech.

No one told me. I’m unprepared.

What do I do besides say ‘thank you’, which I’ve already done?

Footsteps vibrate through the stage, and now that I’m closer to where the speakers sit, I can hear a hint of music. It’s soft and cheerful, two things I’m not feeling at the moment.

With a contained sigh weighing me down, I push myself away from the bottom of the stage, my destination its stairs. They’re sturdy, but my knees wobble as I tread up them. It makes me wonder how people do this every day of their lives. Giving presentations, leading others. Being so confident.

Once my eyes are level with the top, I see many more pairs of shoes than I thought were up here. A few more steps and I see one pair belongs to V.

In front of what must be one of his photographs, he talks to a woman dressed in blue.

Without his shades on, he’s different. Without half his face covered, I can do more than guess what he’s thinking. Without them, I can see his eyes find mine, then flit away.

In an attempt to be unassuming, I fold my hands behind my back and take the last step up the stairs. I stroll behind him and the woman, leaning forward to peek around a canvas.

His works are on display. Mountains, lakes, flowers, the sky and sun, all are objects of his interest. He captured them in such a way that I would never be able to see with my own eyes. So many little details taken into consideration. Almost like a painting.

One photo especially snares my focus.

A bundle of white daisies, light cutting through their thin petals, and turning them golden. The hand that poses them is lithe and pale.

‘’If you stare at that any longer, you’re going to make me think there’s something wrong with it.'' V finds a place at my side, fingers clasped together in front of him.

‘’V, it’s amazing. All of them are.’’

His eyes turn to crescents. ‘’Thank you, I’ll take your word for it.’’

‘’You don’t like them?’’

A soft sigh, instead of words, is what I get. A message that it’s more to unravel he’d like. ‘’I don’t see them the way I used to. Figuratively and literally.’’

‘’Is that why you’re offering these specific ones?’’

‘’Yes and no. I’m hoping that people will interpret them in their own ways, add a meaning besides mine.’’

‘’That’s a nice way to look at things.’’ My head tilts a bit. ‘’Who held the flowers for you?’’

‘’Rika,’’ he says.

‘’Oh.’’ He dips his head at my frail response. I look for an opening to steer the conversation though, but I catch myself.

He starts, ‘’We… Rika and I, we found them outside my home, growing and blooming all on their own. She wante--’’

‘’Mr. Kim, could I inquire about a piece?’’

‘’Of course.’’ He takes a step away from me, looks back. ‘’I’m sorry, Finn, excuse me.’’

While he humors the man that called his name, I linger around his work a bit longer. Everything is lovely but doesn’t grab me in the way the daisies did. I cast the photo one last glance before leaving the stage. Seven and Zen hang around the refreshments table a few feet away, and I veer towards them. Immediately, I smell alcohol.

‘’Have you guys seen Jumin?’’

‘’Yeah, last time I saw him, he was headed back to the lounge,’’ Zen says.

‘’Wait, wait, no,’’ Seven cuts in. ‘’Didn’t he stop by here?’’

‘’Yeah, to get a drink.’’

‘’No, he just came by here.’’

‘’Again?’’

I look between them. ‘’Umm.’’

‘’Finn, I think he went to the balcony,’’ Seven says.

Jumin, chock full of wine, on a balcony. Great. ‘’Okay, thanks. I’ll be off, then.’’

The floor is clearer now that people have begun to get hungry. They find seats at the tables and fill their plates full. It’s easier to get to the stairs leading to the balcony. They’re winding, and I can’t imagine how someone would do this tipsy.

The closer I get to the top, the colder it gets, and the clearer I can hear the shrieks of a woman. Before I can walk past the glass doors that lead out, Ms. Kim comes barreling in. She brushes past me and starts her unsteady descent downwards.

Oh, Jumin.

He overlooks the city, leans with his arms against the railing. A full wine glass sits by his feet.

‘’Hi.’’ The wind blows and cuts through my suit.

‘’Hello,’’ he responds. I lean my elbows against the railing beside him. ‘’Is the speech starting soon?’’ The alcohol on his breath is heavy.

‘’I don’t know. Jaehee just wanted me to find you.’’

‘’Well,’’ he huffs out, ‘’here I am.’’

‘’Are you feeling okay?’’

His head jerks towards mine, and I face him. He smiles, slight, crooked, and unsteady.

The second time I’ve seen him smile. Yet neither of them was out of joy.

‘’I’ll say I did find some amusement in making that woman screech.’’ He reaches down and picks up his glass, swishes the wine around. ‘’All I had to do was accuse her of the things she already knows she is doing.’’ He takes a sip.

‘’Not to be rude, but I thought you were desensitized to all this.’’

He wrinkles his nose and takes on this child-like look. ‘’Some are more difficult than others.’’

‘’Ah.’’

‘’So.’’ Another swig. ‘’What are your thoughts on all this?’’

If he means the party, his daddy issues, or something else entirely, I don’t know. I just say, ‘’I’m screwed.’’

‘’How so?’’

My hands fly up off the railing and into the air. ‘’Because I can’t give a speech!’’

He hums, a sound deep from in his chest. ‘’Seems I was right to be worried then.’’ He doesn’t see the glare I shoot him with. ‘’But, Finn, I believe you are more than capable. Perhaps I should have made it more obvious that I was merely concerned.’’

‘’Yeah, you should have.’’

‘’I’ll give you some advice, then.’’ He glances over his shoulder for a moment, then leans into me, our shoulders touching. ‘’No one cares.’’

‘’Um, what?’’

He leaves my space. ‘’People are too wrapped up in their own worlds. The only thing they will remember the next day is what they said, what they did, what they ate, what they thought.’’

‘’But what if what they thought was something about me?’’

He shrugs. ‘’You won’t know that for sure. It’s a probability, but there are exceptions to everything. If someone does think about you, I’m sure it would not be because you did something unsightly.’’

I run my fingers through my hair. They come back shiny.

‘’And, well, if all else fails.’’ He gestures his wine glass at me.

‘’You’re not serious.’’

‘’Do I ever joke around?’’

This is why they say you shouldn’t bite off more than you can chew.

‘’Fine, fuck it.’’ I snatch the glass from his hand and down what is left. ‘’Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh .’’

It’s absolutely horrid. Shriveled anger. Like the malice and animosity grapes had towards the world was squeezed out of them and bottled.

‘’Holy shit, that’s disgusting.’’

Jumin just blinks at me, looking more surprised than I am at myself. ‘’I didn’t think you would do that…’’

Heat starts to crawl up my face. ‘’Sorry.’’ I hand the glass back to him, like that would change something. ‘’How do you drink that?’’

He inspects the empty glass. ‘’It’s an acquired taste, I’m told.’’

The cold suddenly gets to me, and I slap my hands together, rubbing them. ‘’How long does it take?’’

‘’How long does what take?’’

‘’How long does it take until I feel it? The effects.’’

Nothing. Nothing comes out of his mouth. I have to look at him again, something I don’t want to do when I’m embarrassed.

He’s staring, head tilted. ‘’Finn.’’ The sides of his mouth twitch. ‘’Have you never drank before?’’

‘’Ah, uh…’’ My foot scuffs the railing, making a dim clang. ‘’No.’’

I’m sure he’s going to start laughing at me, shaking his head or something, but he just nods.

‘’It depends on the person,’’ he says. ‘’Tends to take twenty or so minutes.’’

‘’Mind if I stay up here, then?’’

‘’I don’t own this space. Be my guest.’’

So I stay. Against the railing, looking at the city below. All the light blocks out the stars, but the buildings and houses and shops all look like their own little, artificial sky. Someone else joins us up here at some point, the point where I’m starting to feel a little light. I peer around Jumin to see them, back against the railing, head up to the sky. I thought they might be Zen or Seven, but I don’t recognize them.

‘’Hey, should we head down now?’’ I ask.

Jumin loosens up his shoulders and runs a hand--his free one--over his hair, smoothing it down. ‘’I suppose.’’

Going down the stairs, I feel warm, like there’s something crawling under and over my skin. In a good way. I think this is why they call it being buzzed.

I skip the last step and jump to the floor instead. And then, no longer focused on trying not to trip, the fear I felt earlier comes back to me. Especially after looking at the stage.

Jumin slams into my back. He apologizes, but I don’t really hear it.

‘’I can’t do this,’’ I say.

His hand is on my back. ‘’You can do this.’’

‘’No.’’

‘’I assure you, you can.’’

Then I start walking--albeit, with a bit of Jumin’s pushing--towards Jaehee, who I spotted a few moments ago.

‘’Ah, Finn, Mr. Han, there you are.’’

‘’Is it time?’’ Jumin asks.

‘’Yes, V’s art has been cleared off the stage, it’s ready for you both.’’ She smiles at me, it’s a bit weary, but no matter. ‘’You’ll do wonderful, Finn.’’

‘’I hope…’’

What words? What words? What should I say? Why was I staring at lights and stealing people’s wine when I should’ve been thinking of what to say?

Thankfully, I’m good at making stuff up on the spot.

As I approach the stage, Jumin takes the lead, climbing the stairs before I do. There sits a single microphone. Ominous, but Jumin walks right up to it.

I stand to the side, scanning the crowd, and trying to let my agitation get out of hand.

Jumin’s presence gathers attention right away. The eating, drinking, dancing, and talking all stops. Now it’s just a soft song filling the room. Then it’s Jumin’s voice.

It’s easy to find the RFA members in the crowd, colored strangely by the green lighting. Their heads’ are turned to the man next to me, who speaks words I’d never be able to make sound sincere. It’s all thanks and gratitude and opportunity, and he’s done before I know it. Jumin Han would never in a million years give me a thumbs up, but he nods reassuringly as I pass him.

Crap, crap, crap, shit.

Somehow, I make it to the front of the mic. Somehow.

I take it in my hand, holding it to my chest as I take a breath, then start. ‘’H-hello, everyone.’’ I’m not able to keep my voice from wavering. ‘’I hope you all are having a good time.’’ A couple claps in response. ‘’Tonight is undoubtedly special, and I have so many ‘thank yous’ to give out, but who knows how long that’d take me. So I want to do it here.

Thank you.

Guests, friends, planners, you know this wouldn’t be without you. This is my first real party, and I’m just glad that the place isn’t falling apart.’’ I find V, who now wears his shades. ‘’Not too long ago, these parties were hosted by someone with a beautiful heart. Someone who just wanted to help people.

I’m not intending to replace her, I could never replace her.

But a friend of mine told me I have her magic, and I think I’m lucky. To be given this opportunity to help others. To help all of you.

I, uh, plan to continue doing my best. So, again, thank you all, and thank you for attending. Have… a… a good night.’’

People applaud as I go down the stage, at least I think they do. The blood pounding in my skull drowns it out. I’m a bit too eager to get down the stairs and end up tripping on the last step.

My feet slip out from under me and I stumble forward. Someone grips the back of my suit before I kiss the floor.

‘’Geez, easy there.” It’s Seven I turn around to face.

‘’Finn, you did great!’’ Yoosung materializes from behind Seven, followed by Zen, Jaehee, Jumin, and V.

Jaehee says, ‘’That was wonderful, Finn. You’re very brave.’’

‘’T-thank you.’’

‘’Man, I wish I was that good at dealing with stage fright,’’ Zen comments, the one to give me a thumbs up.

‘’You all aren’t lying to me, right? Sugar-coating things. I can take it.’’

‘’No, of course not.’’ Jumin stares me down, seeming a bit smug. ‘’You did excellent, especially for it being on the spot.’’

‘’Oh no, that was on the spot?’’ Jaehee asks. She looks guilty. ‘’I should have warned you in advance, it won’t happen again.’’

‘’I'd appreciate that, but don’t worry, it’s all good. I survived.’’

From next to Jumin, V comments, ‘’I’m… happy for you, Finn. Thank you for doing your best.’’

‘’Of cou--’’ My thank you is cut short as I see something by his shoulder. In the distance, disappearing in the revitalized crowd. ‘’Err, sorry, give me a second. There’s a guest.’’ I slip past them and hurry into the crowd.

I know I saw it.

It was there.

I didn’t drink that much.

The sign. The symbol. The eye.

On someone’s back, it glared at me before vanishing.

I turn around people, step over shoes, spin past dancing, interlocked hands. I see it one more time, leaving the sea of guests, just a sliver of it. But when I break out, it’s nowhere to be found.

I know I saw it.

‘’Finn, you alright?’’ Seven’s voice. Behind me.

‘’Yeah, just a guest.’’

‘’You kinda ran off, though…’’ He steps in front of me, to see my expression, I think.

‘’Seven.’’

‘’Yes?’’ he asks, clearly with some hesitance.

‘’You have secrets, right?’’

His face locks up. No, scratch that, he does. His entire form. Then it unfastens.

‘’Everyone does, right?’’ He chuckles. ‘’What’s this about? Did you eat something funny?’’

My gaze goes past him one last time. ‘’Yeah, I had something to drink.’’

As the party started, it ends. Guests file out, some more unstable on their feet than they were when they walked in. The doors are closed, and the cleaning begins. I help a bit, just a bit, by stealing a flower or two. Then I find a chair and let my weight crash into it.

Jaehee approaches me. ‘’I’m glad I’m not the only one feeling tired.’’

‘’I’d be surprised if you weren’t.’’

She occupies the spare seat next to me, slipping off a high heel and rubbing her foot. ‘’Despite a few missing guests, it really was successful,’’ she says, slipping off another shoe. ‘’You should be proud, Finn.’’

‘’Don’t undermine yourself, I was one little piece of the puzzle.’’

‘’I suppose you’re right, thank you.’’

We both jump as the doors burst open. Yoosung appears and darts his head around until he sees us. ‘’Finn, your ride is here.’’

‘’Okay, I’ll be there in a second.’’ I stand as Jaehee starts to put her shoes back on.

‘’Get some rest, Finn,’’ she tells me.

‘’Well, I’ll try.’’ She smiles, and I mirror it, fatigue and all. After a goodbye, I push through the doors and head down the hall, finally leaving the building. The concrete step trips me up, and a rush of cold air makes me shiver.

Past blazing headlights, there’s a hand that waves me over. My ride, I assume.

I can’t even get off the curb, though; I’m pulled backward. Seven.

‘’You were gonna leave without saying goodbye?’’ he gasps.

Zen and Yoosung are next to him, both faking disappointment.

‘’Right, right. Sorry. Goodbye, Seven, Zen, Yoosung.’’ I nod to each of them. ‘’Did I already thank you all of you?’’

‘’Maybe, maybe not. We can stand to hear it again,’’ Seven teases.

‘’I’m sure you have.’’ Zen nudges Seven.

‘’Well, just let me say it again. Thank you. We had so many more guests than I thought we would. And you all did that in less than two weeks.’’

‘’Yeah, I guess that’s pretty awesome,’’ Yoosung says. ‘’But we wouldn’t have had to rush so much if V had just been sensible.’’

‘’Oh, come, Yoosung. Don’t be so begrudging about that. Everything turned out fine,’’ Zen says.

‘’Yeah, luckily!’’

‘’Oh, hi, V,’’ I say, noticing him leaving the building.

Yoosung doesn’t turn around, just purses his lips.

‘’You all should let Finn go. His driver is waiting, and it’s late.’’

‘’Oh, sorry, Finn. He’s right, go ahead,’’ Zen tells me.

Seven waves as I step off the curb. ‘’’Night, Finn.’’

‘’Goodnight.’’ Before I turn around to avoid hitting a car, Yoosung and V wave at me, and I return the favor.

I approach the car, and the door is opened for me. The heat that encompasses me is very welcome. I settle in and pull the seat belt over me. As it locks with a sharp click, I look up to the rearview mirror.

‘’Where to, Mr. Vorobyov?’’

Fancy.

The closest place to Rika’s I can think of is the bus stop. He gives me a strange look when I tell him as such, but nonetheless, the car starts, and soon the party venue is out of sight.

The whole drive is silent. My fault, of course, but I don’t expect the driver to want to do much chatting.

Getting there is definitely faster by car than by bus; I don’t even have time to fall asleep.

‘’We’ve arrived.’’

After a quick thanks--he had to park on the curb, blocking traffic--I unbuckle and slide out. I’ve never been out here this late before. Everything is different. I’ll admit, I did jump a few times at a few strange sounds, but then I entered the well-lit block by Rika’s. The apartment lobby is bare, and no one walks the halls as I stand at Rika’s door.

When I input the code and it doesn’t work, I think my fingers must’ve slipped, and I try again. But another attempt just proves to be as vain. Frustrated at this point, I jiggle the handle, and I jump back when it gives under my pressure. The door isn’t locked. 

The door isn’t locked.

‘’Okay, okay… calm down…’’ I was in a rush, the door might not have shut on my way out. I let myself latch onto this theory. I don’t dare think it could be anything else because I might not open the door. An unsteady palm against the door, then a hesitant push. It flings open to reveal the horror that is now Rika’s apartment. 

❤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and everything changed when


	13. I Wish We Couldn't Lie, but Then Where Would I Be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> recently, i went back and watched the MM opening for the first time in a long time  
> and just  
> the nostalgia  
> t h e n o s t a l g i a

Furious.

Something furious surged through this place, wreaking havoc.

Nothing is as it should be. Papers are everywhere. Furniture is not where it was when I left. Glass is smashed.

My heart has never been this present before. I can hear every beat as my knees begin to liquify.

 _Phone_ , my brain screams, and I adhere to its instruction. Like a weapon, I take my phone out of my pocket and hold it in front of me, the police at the ready. The door still isn’t fully open, so I nudge it with my foot. It swings open, revealing everything, and I take a tentative step inside, eyes darting around like some hunted rabbit.

There could be anyone in the corners.

Carefully, carefully, I walk, avoiding papers, stepping around disturbed furniture. My instinct is to call out, ask who’s there, but I swallow the urge. I check the kitchen first. Empty. Under the bed. No one. Then the bathroom. My whole body shakes, then deflates at the sight of the bare room.

Calling the police seems like the logical thing to do, but…

...this is Rika’s apartment. Said to be full of secrets, ones to be kept. I only have one solid option.

My voice, hushed and quick, immediately gives me away.

Seven asks, ‘’What’s wrong?’’

I leave the bathroom and pace in front of the bed. ‘’Um…’’ The safe that usually sits by the bed is not open, contents spilled everywhere. Against better judgment, I bend down. ‘’Something… happened. Rika’s apartment. It’s trashed.’’

He goes silent, not a breath, then, ‘’What do you mean?’’

‘’Someone broke in.’’ One of the things in her safe is a picture of Seven, the only item I feel is safe enough to pick up. He’s young enough that he’s not wearing glasses.

He swears softly. ‘’No one is there with you, right?’’

‘’No, I checked. Should I call the police?’’

‘’No!’’ I wince. ‘’No…’’ he says, quieter this time. ‘’I’m on my way right now. Stay put, okay? Don’t touch anything .’’

‘’Wait, Seven.’’ I set the photo back down, forcing myself to walk away. ‘’Shouldn’t you call V?’’

‘’I will.’’ He breaks up, then I hear a slam and the line is clear again. ‘’So I’m coming first.’’

‘’What? I didn’t catch that.’’

‘’The apartment has a security system on it. I got no notice that anything happened. It could be a fluke, but…’’ Goosebumps crawl across my flesh. ‘’Do you want me to stay on the line?’’ he asks. Blue paper in the mix of white catches my attention. ‘’Finn?’’

‘’No, it’s fine.’’

‘’Okay.’’ He sounds unsure but hangs up.

The arm that holds my phone hangs limply at my side.

It’s like I left a window open and a gust of wind came in, uninvited, and swept everything out of place. Except wind doesn’t push furniture and shred letters.

I brush bits of tattered envelop into my hands. The thin layer of paper that was keeping Rika’s loose ends together is now all over the floor. I dump it out of my hand, and it collects in a small pile. My eyes skim over the letters. Feverish, curly handwriting. It seems like some sort of spiteful note she wrote or someone wrote to her. I’m about to leave it alone, wanting nothing to do with it, but I catch something.

My name.

I read over things I never should have. Curly writing ends, and I back away. Confusion tags along with my fear, nothing is clearer.

It’s like a game, jumping over papers to get to the kitchen. The only place that wasn’t touched.

However, rounding the corner proves I’m wrong.

I missed it, the gift left.

The horrible, satirical glass of flowers. White begonias, my white begonias, sitting in water. Placed so deliberately.

A warning.

The blood that was just starting to settle in my veins turns cold. It’s too much. I clench my phone and walk out of the apartment. 

📧 V

  * V, you need to call Seven. 12:13 AM



I close the door behind me, slowly, it hardly makes a click. The hallway wall catches me as I lean back, sliding down to the floor. Knees pulled to me, I ignore the accusations that sit on my tongue and beg to be set free. I just sit and stare at my phone until V replies.

📧 V

  * I just finished talking to him. 12:27 AM
  * Finn, I’m so sorry. 12:27 AM
  * He said he was coming here. Are you, too? 12: 28 AM
  * No. 12:28 AM
  * I’d like you to leave the apartment. It’s not safe right now. 12:28 AM
  * I have nowhere to go, V. 12:29 AM



No reply. I sit. I wait. 

📧 V

  * There’s a restaurant down the street from the apartment. 12: 41 AM
  * The steakhouse. Please meet Luciel and me there. 12: 42 AM
  * Alright. 12:42 AM



Why he wants to meet somewhere other than here is beyond me, but this is a shaky situation. I probably shouldn’t question anything too much. Of course, that’s a useless thing to tell myself.

On a vacant bus, I sit, fingers fiddling with the edge of my suit sleeve. Folding, unfolding, until it leaves a crease.

Doubtful. I discover that’s what I’m feeling.

Loose ends that are so much more than that, pictures tucked away, plans for something I don’t understand. It sort of all blends together, like the lights and scenery whirring outside the bus, which soon slows. It stops, the doors open, and I leave.

The big, red, blaring sign of the restaurant is easy to spot. Like the bus, the parking lot is empty, all except for two cars. And three heads. Drenched in red light, they turn towards me.

Jumin is one of them. I don't know who called him here, V or Seven. They must have been in the middle of heading home; like me, they’re still dressed in their party attire.

‘’Hi,’’ I greet them, my voice dry.

Seven takes his weight off his car, he looks like he’s going to take a step forward, but decides against it. ‘’Are you alright?’’ he asks.

''Fine.'' Before anyone else can ask the state of my well-being, I jerk my head to V. ‘’Why are we here?’’

Unlike Seven, he takes a few steps away from the car. ‘’I wanted you away from there,’’ he explains.

‘’Okay, I understand that but why Seven?’’

‘’Luciel because… because I didn’t want him rushing in there and seeing something he shouldn’t.’’

‘’That was the last thing on my mind, V.’’

‘’Still, you know how I feel about respecting her personal life.’’

‘’Rika’s home was just robbed--No, _Finn’s_ home was just robbed.’’ There’s an edge to Jumin’s voice when he says that. One I wouldn’t run my finger across. ‘’I think we can set the respect aside for now, because whoever is at fault certainly did.’’ He stares at V’s shoulder, V stares who knows where.

‘’I think…’’ I start, ‘’it wasn’t a robbery.’’ Again, three heads turn my way.

Seven’s face goes sullen and something I’ve never seen in him sparks for just a moment then goes out. ‘’I had the same thought…’’

‘’The security system, nothing was stolen,’’ I say. ‘’The flowers.’’

‘’Flowers?’’ Jumin questions.

‘’I had a pot of flowers, and when I went in the kitchen, I saw they were cut and set in a glass.’’

Seven mumbles something under his breath.

Jumin says, ‘’Seems our culprit has a sadistic side.’’

‘’That’s not it, though. What’s worse is…’’ I trail off. The day in the garden center. A man who told me what they represent. It’s a coincidence. Anybody could figure that out. ‘’Never mind.’’

‘’V.’’ Jumin faces him, he’s been too quiet. ‘’What exactly do you want to do?” No response. Nobody seems ready to answer this question. ‘’Whoever did this, they seem to have done it out of spite,’’ Jumin says. ‘’They know about the RFA, they knew about the party, and they have the means to bypass the security system.’’

Seven groans and rubs his face with his palms, harsh.

‘’Or they’re someone who knows the password,’’ I say.

This gets V to snap back to reality. ‘’Only one person knows it now, besides you, Finn. And that’s Luciel.’’

‘’Do you think she told it to someone else?’’

V shakes his head, slow and sure. ‘’No.’’ Then he shifts and I know he’s looking at me. ‘’Finn, you didn’t see anything, did you?’’ He says it gently, yet it still stings.

‘’No, of course not.’’

He notices the cold tone of my words and says, ‘’I just want to know if you’re okay. Rika had things in there that even I don’t know of.’’

‘’I’m fine, just startled. And a bit confused.’’ I rub my arms and look out into the parking lot. I’m trying to figure out where to start. ‘’Actually... I did see some stuff,’’ I admit. ‘’A photo, blueprints, some notes. Oh… and her… loose ends.’’ My focus leaves the parking lot just in time to see V stiffen. Seven catches this too and shoves his hands into his pockets before looking down at his shifting feet. Jumin is too busy looking at me with crossed arms, waiting for me to go on. ‘’Which I forgot to bring. I’m sorry.’’

‘’I see.’’

‘’In the letters...’’ my voice is careful, but he seems to shrink. I stop.

‘’I will speak to you about that if you give me time,’’ he says.

‘’I think I need to say it, V.’’ He doesn’t stop me, doesn’t move, doesn’t utter a word. I really wish I could see his face, but I can’t, so I spit out, ‘’She seemed to know me.’’

Silent, still.

‘’What makes you think so?’’ Seven asks.

I know if I say this, it’ll be the same as saying I was prying, admitting that I’m not trustworthy. ‘’I read what she wrote in one of her letters.’’

‘’You joined after her death,’’ Jumin points out. Then his already calloused face goes cold. ‘’Jihyun…’’

There’s that spark in Seven’s expression again. Fear. ‘’V, what is-- what’s going on? Is Rika… still out there?’’

A car starts in the lot next to us, momentarily casting the three in a blinding light. The engine isn’t loud enough to mask his words, but V waits for it to pull away before saying anything.

He hunches over. ‘’Yes.’’

It’s one word, yet it feels like the crackling atmosphere has finally burst.

Seven shoots up, his hands that were once in his pockets now scouring through his hair. ‘’V, no.’’ He backs away a bit, as the next thing V might admit will physically hurt him. ‘’How? You said she killed herself.’’

‘’She… definitely wasn’t in a good state of mind,’’ V confesses. Then, quickly, ‘’I lied because I didn’t want you all involved.’’

Jumin just stands, quiet, then, he rubs his forehead for a moment, acting like V is just some troublesome friend he’s consoling. ‘’Involved in what, exactly?’’

‘’Her delusions.’’ He finally looks up. ‘’Her plans.’’

‘’What was she trying to do?’’ I ask.

‘’She was trying to construct a place of paradise. She was convinced that she was a savior and had to free people from suffering, so she left and…’’ he trails off, seeming like he’s searching for the right word. He doesn’t find it, though.

‘’I don’t remember her being so… unwell,’’ Seven says.

‘’She was very adamant about you all not knowing,’’ V says. ‘’I wanted to get her help, but she became too paranoid.’’

‘’What I don't understand is why you lied to us. Why you hid all this. We could have helped,’’ Jumin tells him.

‘’It was my problem, and I wanted to keep you all separated from it and her. She wanted to bring you all with her. And Finn, you’re right, she knows you. She found out you’re close to Yoosung. Part of the reason I let you join the RFA was that I was afraid she would... go further than she should.’’

I have to pretend I’m not bothered by that, but I can’t help it when my breath catches in my throat. I glance away and meet Seven’s eye. He has his hands in his pockets again and is shifting back and forth on one foot. He seems even more unsettled than I am.

‘’You said she left. Do you know her location?’’ Jumin asks. Unlike Seven and I, he seems to be calmer than usual, handling the situation with some sort of detachment. ‘’Don’t hesitate, Jihyun.’’

‘’No, I don’t know where she is.’’

The tension that V’s answer forms is hard to ignore, and Jumin only heightens it by staring down his old friend. It’s released only when Jumin sighs, finally uncrossing his arms and glancing away from V. ‘’You always keep things to yourself,’’ he says. What he said must mean something more to V because he doesn’t respond.

Seven steps in. ‘’It still doesn’t answer the question about who broke into her apartment.’’

V nods. ‘’That’s a separate issue.’’

Jumin rubs his forehead once more. ‘’All of this is more than just an issue.’’

His words remind me of the other members. ‘’Don’t you think the others should know?’’

Instead of V, Jumin answers. ‘’Perhaps it’s best to wait until tomor--’’

V cuts in. ‘’I… if this is okay for me to ask for, I don’t want to tell the others right away.’’

‘’Is that really a good idea?’’

‘’V, I think they deserve to know,’’ Seven tells him.

‘’Please, give me some time. I’d like to do it on my terms.’’

Jumin says nothing, just sighs. There have been too many pauses tonight. Moments where no one knows what to say. It is rather hard, however. Where do you go from this?

‘’Okay…’’ Seven concedes. ‘’Finn, I don’t want you at the apartment while I’m working on figuring out who broke in,’’ he tells me.

‘’Okay. Ah, but, uh, where do I stay then?’’

‘’Oh, uh…’’ A sheepish look accompanies the hand he puts to his neck.

After another heavy sigh, Jumin says, ‘’My place, then. I’ll call Driver Kim back over.’’ He steps away, allowing the silence to return.

It’s especially uncomfortable because I know Seven wants to say something. He keeps scuffing the ground with his shoe until he speaks up. ‘’Finn, can I talk to V alone for a sec?’’

‘’Ah, yeah.’’ I give them their space, heading in the same direction as Jumin. It doesn’t even seem that late, but I know it is. My head feels foggy and my legs and feet throb in protest at every step I take, so I sit down once I’m far away enough from V and Seven.

I bring my knees to my chest and glance over at them.

I’ve never seen Seven upset before, and here I am witnessing it again. I can’t hear him, even if the air is still, but his face is visible. I can’t see V, though. Part of me doesn’t want him to hurt, yet I hope he looks guilty behind his shades. Being guilty is the least he can do.

❤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooo...  
> i'm not sure if i'm happy with how this played out, but eh... whatever


	14. I Should Wear Stripes More... Makes Me Look Taller

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter, but double upload

The ride to Jumin’s was tame--mainly because nobody said anything. But the moment I stepped through his door, he suggested that I need something to sleep in. I didn’t disagree--I didn’t want to sleep in my suit, after all--but what he had in mind was something completely different.

I’d never seen people materialize out of nowhere so quickly. Measuring tape was whipped out, my arms were held up, and I was asked my fabric preferences. Needless to say, I shut that down, but I’m sort of regretting it now. The alternative was borrowing some of the clothes he never wears. They fit him fine. Me, not so much.

Jiji purrs at my feet, circling my ankles and occasionally letting out a pathetic mewl as I exam myself in some random bathroom mirror. My hands are almost invisible in the sleeves and the neckline is low. I pull at it and pinch it from the back to pull it up higher before sighing.

It’s just one night, one night. After everything that has happened in the last few hours I need to find some sanity. And I can’t help but feel calm with Jumin.

Probably due to his extensive security. 

As I’m trying to get over my last few fidgets from the ill-fitting night shirt, there is a knock on the door.

‘’Finn, is everything alright?’’ His voice is muffled against the wood. 

‘’Yes,’’ I answer him, drawing out the ‘s’, embarrassed. 

‘’It’s late, you should come out and get some sleep.’’ 

‘’Alright.’’ I gather my phone and pile of clothes and pull up the shirt one last time before opening the bathroom door, letting Jiji slip out before I close it behind me. Once I turn around, I look up at Jumin. He looks uncomfortable, trying to casually look away to the hallway that leads out of his room--he doesn’t do it very well.

‘’I have a spare room for you, but I never planned on having anyone else over, so it’s a bit…’’ he falters, covering his mouth with his hand.

I try to catch his eye. ‘’A bit what?’’ If he has animal corpses hiding in the walls or something I’d rather not be in the dark about it.

‘’Ah.’’ He shakes his head and lets his arm fall to his side. ‘’Never mind, follow me.’’ He gestures me along and leads me away from the bathroom.

The house is no longer lit like it was when I arrived; the only light source is a fish tank. Its intensity casts harsh shadows onto everything, but allows us to see where we’re going. I follow him through the living area and into a hall where we stop when he approaches one of the doors. He opens it and flicks on the light. I’m a tad apprehensive about what might be inside, but it all appears to be normal. Somewhat. The room has a weird smell that I can’t place. 

‘’I’ll leave you, but if you need anything, ask me or one of the maids,’’ he tells me. 

I turn around and give him the best smile I can muster. ‘’Okay, thank you.’’

He nods and backs outs. When his footsteps finally fade, I set my suit on a bedside dresser. Folded inside it are the flowers I took from the party. White daisies, to remind me of V’s photo. How ironic now. I sit on the edge of the bed then fall back.

The clock on the nightstand says it’s a bit past 3:00 AM. I shift around, setting my phone next to the clock. My hands start clenching and unclenching the blanket.

It feels weird to not be doing anything. To not be looking forward to anything.

What do I do now? What was I striving towards every day before this?

Not sure if I should sleep, and unsure if I’m able to, I stare up at the ceiling and try to make shapes out of the lines in the paint. If I try to sort through everything I’m thinking, I might not sleep, but I let myself have one thought:

This is all a catalyst for something bigger.

❤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol, so i know it's halfway through june already but--
> 
> Happy Pride Month!  
> No matter if you are questioning, or have been sure for years, it's a time to celebrate you,  
> and all the others that have fought for what we have today. And what they are still fighting for.
> 
> Stay safe. 🌈


	15. Food Poisoning Would Be Better than This

I awake to a sheet of white covering my eyes and a weight pressing against my leg. 

I move the sheets off my face and take in the comfort of Jumin’s guest room in the morning. The shades covering the windows let the morning light seep in like warm honey, making getting out of bed in the winter a bit more bearable. As I let out a yawn, the weight near my leg starts to move.

‘’What the...?’’ I reach down and grip something soft between my fingers. 

Hair. 

For just about zero point two seconds do I think it is Jumin. What makes me change my mind is the fact that it starts to hum. 

Like a lawnmower. 

And that’s when I remember that, yes, Elizabeth 3rd does indeed exist. She decided to grace me with her presence this morning. And that smell from last night? That was cat. 

Jumin Han made me sleep in the cat room. 

I sit up with a groan, rubbing the drowsiness out of my eyes and spitting cat hair out of my mouth. I give Elizabeth a rather menacing glare, but she’s a cat, so she doesn’t care. 

‘’Jiji is cuter than you,’’ I tell her. She blinks.

I slide to the edge of the bed and plant my feet on the floor, leaning over to the nightstand and grabbing my phone. Seven is probably busy finding the culprit of the break-in--I can imagine he’s been up all night--and a photo of Elizabeth might help him feel better. I push off the mattress and turn around, crouching down to her level. 

She’s in a good pose, but I can’t get her to look at me.

‘’Ellly, Elly, look at me.’’ I click my tongue, make kissing sounds, and use all baby language known to man. 

She does not look at me.

‘’Kitty kitty kitty.’’ One more time. She looks like she’s starting to fall back asleep. ‘’Fine, I see how it’s going to be.’’ I take my phone in one hand and use the other to lure her attention. I drag my fingers across the sheets and watch as her eyes dart towards me, pupils blown.

‘’You bloodthirsty motherfuc—‘’ 

‘’Finn.’’ Jumin steps into the room. ‘’I thought I heard you.’’ 

I have to keep myself from falling backwards in fright. ‘’Y-yeah, I just got up.’’ Cat hair is all over me, and I brush it off before standing up. I look up in time to see his eyes drift from me, my phone, and then Elizabeth 3rd. 

‘’Are you taking pictures for Seven?’’

‘’Ha, what? No, of cou-- Yes.’’ 

Sighing, he walks into the room. ‘’It’s fine.’’ He leans over the bed and scoops Elizabeth up in his arms. ‘’I came to tell you that there’s breakfast in the kitchen, for when you’re hungry.’’ 

‘’Alright, thanks. I’ll be out in a bit.’’

‘’Okay. Oh, and I will be in my office,’’ he tells me while rubbing Elizabeth’s little ears. ‘’It’s down the hall.’’ 

When he steps out, I grab my folded clothes and pull the flowers out of them. Not knowing what I should do with them, I set them aside on the bed. 

Because I have no clothes, after a shower in the guest bedroom’s bathroom, I’m forced to put back on my suit, minus the jacket. 

I just tell myself I’m a businessman, like Jumin, up every morning before the sun. Shower, get dressed, eat, and get to work. The work aspect is missing, but what I have to deal with on the messenger later is more than enough to fill in for that. 

After eating, I leave the kitchen and head down the hall. Like the living room, the halls don’t hold much decoration. Just a few blurry photos of Elizabeth 3rd here and there. The floors might as well be a decoration themselves though. I don’t want to imagine the tears that go into making them appear reflective and pristine. 

They’re also slick under my socks, tempting me to slide along them. And once I see Jumin’s open office door, I try to do something unintelligent. 

I slide forward and grip onto the door frame so I will fling sideways and be able to pull myself in, but I’m not ten years old anymore and end up hitting my forehead against the door frame. It makes quite a sound. 

Hearing the loud thunk my skull made after slamming into the wood, Jumin looks up from his work with wide eyes. 

‘’What was that?’’ He glances behind himself before turning to me. 

’‘I think it was a bird.’’ I stagger over to him and the black leather office chair he sits in. In front of him is a dark mahogany desk where his work is set. Neat, meticulous piles of paper and other documents sit in their own little stacks, and I watch as he’s careful not to disturb them as he reaches over to put his pen in its jar.

‘’I’ve been meaning to put bird tape on that window,’’ he mutters.

Ignoring the guilt stirring inside me, I look to the left of the room. A bookcase that matches his desk stands before me, stocked full of books on business, cats, and everything in between.

And finally, behind Jumin, is the large window that apparently many birds have lost their lives to. It offers a breathtaking view of the city. The night city picture he shared in the chatroom must have been taken from here. 

I’m tempted to run over and put my hands on the glass, looking at the stirring streets in the distance. My breath would leave condensation and my nose and hands sticky prints that the maids would come behind and wipe away only hours later.

However, I’ve been childish enough today. 

‘’What are you working on?’’ I rub my forehead as I make my way around his desk, standing beside him and looking at the papers in front of him. It’s a bunch of nonsense to me. 

‘’Nothing important.’’ He stacks the papers and sets them aside. ‘’I have to admit I’m unable to focus. The RFA has been consuming most of my thoughts.’’

I feel like I’m choking on cat hair again. ‘’You know I can’t say that it’ll be fine,’’ I tell him, leaning against his desk. 

‘’I was actually hoping you wouldn’t. This is not a simple accident.’’ He leans forward and pulls his phone out of his pocket before collapsing back into his seat and sighing. He seems to be defeated already.

‘’Is everyone on?’’ I ask. When he nods I take my phone from my pocket and open the messenger. No emails, no messages, no missed calls, but a new chat room.

707: Ha… no one is on lol

Finn: The party did end pretty late.

Jumin Han: I’ll retrieve them…

_Jumin Han has left the chat room_

Finn: I feel sick

707: I can’t feel anything at all, my brain is fried ;;

Finn: And I can’t even tell you to take a break, can I?

707: No, this is just too important right now

Finn: Thanks...

707: Of course T_T

_Jaehee Kang has entered the chat room_

Finn: Hi, Jaehee

Jaehee Kang: And here I thought I was going to be able to sleep in.

Jaehee Kang: What’s the matter Mr. Han spoke of?

707: Give it a minute.

_Yoosung★ has entered the chat room_

Yoosung★: whhhhhyyyyyyyy

Finn: ;;

Yoosung★: This better be important!

Yoosung★: I need full concentration to make my french toast

Jaehee Kang: It’s just cooking, Yoosung.

Yoosung★: You don’t understand T_T

Finn: Just don’t get eggs all over your phone…

_ZEN has entered the chat room_

ZEN: Just what is so damn urgent that Jumin frickin Han had to call me

ZEN: I didn’t want to hear his voice so early!

Finn: Sorry, Zen. You’ll find out in a sec ;;

ZEN: Geez.

Yoosung★: oh boohoo you didn’t get your beauty sleep

ZEN: -_-...

_Jumin Han has entered the chat room_

ZEN: God… I’m shivering

Jumin Han: Oh, please.

Jaehee Kang: Can I ask again why we are here?

Finn: You can, but

Finn: you won’t get an answer until V gets here.

707: Yeah

707: We have to wait for V, sorry.

ZEN: Is it important?

Finn: Yes.

Jumin Han: Yes, it is.

Yoosung★: Nooo, don’t make me nervous ;;

Jaehee Kang: Don’t assume it’s something bad, Yoosung.

Yoosung★: V is coming, of course it’s something bad! He never shows up. 

_V has entered the chat room_

V: Hello, sorry for the wait.

ZEN: V, this isn’t something bad, is it?

V: …

V: Unfortunately, it is.

V: Last night, Finn returned to the apartment to find it had been broken into.

Jaehee Kang: My goodness. Are you alright, Finn?

Yoosung★: By who?!

Finn: I’m okay, Jaehee.

ZEN: That’s crazy. How’d they get in?

707: Yeah, that’s the thing…

V: I believe we are being targeted.

V: By who, I do not know.

V: But they seem to have done this just to agitate us.

Jaehee Kang: What do you mean?

Finn: Nothing was taken.

Finn: Things were just all over the place.

Jaehee Kang: They didn’t touch any of Rika’s personal information?

Jumin Han: They did, but at least from what we know right now,

Jumin Han: they didn’t take any of it.

ZEN: God, who would do that? What’s the point?

Finn: Would we even be able to tell if any documents were taken?

Finn: We don’t know what there was to start.

Jumin Han: We wouldn’t, unfortunately.

Jumin Han: Unless, Jihyun, you do have some knowledge

Jumin Han: of what Rika kept

V: I do not.

Yoosung★: Why would anyone want to harass us…?

Yoosung★: We’re a charity group!

V: We still have to figure that out.

Jaehee Kang: What do we do in the meantime?

Finn: Seven is already at work.

707: Yup, yup. 

707: I’ll figure it out, don’t worry.

ZEN: Wait, so, Finn isn’t at the apartment, right?

Finn: No, no ;;

Jumin Han: No, he’s with me right now.

Yoosung★: Shouldn’t someone be going to Rika’s right now?

Jumin Han: To do what?

Yoosung★: To clean it up. I don’t know!

Yoosung★: It feels weird not doing anything about it.

Finn: It’s alright for now, Yoosung.

Finn: Seven and V will take care of it.

Yoosung★: Eugh... okay...

Jaehee Kang: Should we be worried about our safety?

V: I would definitely be more cautious.

ZEN: ;;

Finn: We don’t know their exact motive.

Yoosung★: Geez, no T_T

Jumin Han: Or if it is one single person, or a group of them.

Jaehee Kang: If needed, Mr. Han, you could supply them protection.

Jaehee Kang: With the security squad, I mean.

707: That’s a good idea.

Finn: Better safe than sorry.

V: Yes, if I know you all are safe, I can solely focus on finding

V: who broke into the apartment. 

707: Yeah, I won’t have to start watching u guys, too.

ZEN: Hmm, I don’t know ;;

Jumin Han: Do not sacrifice your safety for your pride, Zen.

ZEN: I didn’t say that!

ZEN: I just don’t know how I would feel with a bunch of people

ZEN: following me everywhere…

Jaehee Kang: It’s for your well-being, Zen.

Finn: Yeah, you’ll get used to it, I’m sure.

Finn: Think of them like paparazzi ^^;

Yoosung★: Well, I’m up to the idea.

Yoosung★: I don’t feel like getting robbed…

Jumin Han: It’s decided, then.

Jaehee Kang: I suppose that wraps this up.

Finn: Do you have anything else to say, V?

V: No.

V: But I’ll make sure to be more active, 

V: In case any of you need to contact me.

ZEN: Thanks.

707: If this is it, I’ll get going.

V: Yes, you can leave now.

Finn: Bye, Seven.

707: Bye, guys.

_707 has left the chat room_

Yoosung★: So... what now?

Finn: Guess that's up to V.

ZEN: Well… I look forward to the arrival of my bodyguards ;;

ZEN: Don’t think I can go back to sleep after this.

Finn: Oh, errr…

Finn: I have a call. Sorry.

ZEN: It’s okay, talk to you later.

Jaehee Kang: Take care.

Finn: You too ><

V: Be safe, Finn. Bye.

Yoosung★: See ya, be careful.

Finn: Bye

**R.F.A**

This conversation will be archived in the RFA records,

I hereby agree to treat this conversation as confidential

With Jumin still at his desk, I leave the room and step out into the hallway. ‘’Hi, Cade…’’ 

‘’Hi, Finn. Party too hard last night?’’ he teases, but I don't miss the annoyance laced in there.

‘’Yeah, actually.’’

‘’Oh, geez. What happened?’’ 

It’s indescribable--how bad I feel for lying, but I do it anyway. I have a feeling I’ll be doing it a lot in the near future, anyway. ‘’Food poisoning,’’ I say. 

‘’That sucks. I’ll tell Miyoung for you. Why didn’t you call in earlier?’’ 

‘’I didn’t go to sleep until like three.’’ 

‘’I thought you went to a charity event.’’ 

‘’I did.’’ 

He sighs, and I hear some rustling, then his muffled speech to who I assume is Miyoung. ‘’Alright, you’re off the hook.’’ 

‘’Thanks.’’ 

‘’Three days, Vorobyov! Three days!’’ 

‘’Okay, okay. Talk to you later.’’ 

‘’Yeah, you better. Bye.’’

‘’Bye.’’ Back in my suit pockets my phone goes, then I return to Jumin’s office. 

He’s off his phone, elbows against his desk, and chin on his hands. ‘’So,’’ he says. ‘’I hear you have food poisoning.’’ 

‘’I might as well. I feel like shit,’’ I say, trudging up to his desk. I lean against it and rub my eyes. ‘’Gosh, that felt weird. No, actually, this all feels weird.’’ 

‘’What does?’’ he asks. 

I open my arms wide and spin around, gesturing to the room. ‘’All of this. Being here. Saying what I just said to you. Wearing your clothes like it’s some kind of sleepover.’’ I stop when I’m facing him again. My arms fall to my sides. 

He’s now leaning back in his chair, watching, with that aloof face of his. Eyes that give away nothing. Gosh damn, how is not one of his hairs out of place? 

‘’And…’’ _Don’t get upset._ _Don’t get upset._ ‘’Lying. Lying to Zen and Jaehee and Yoosung.’’ My vision goes blurry. It’s like I’m looking at Jumin through a kaleidoscope now. This is what happens when I get no sleep; I can’t keep everything inside. ‘’Aren’t you upset?’’ I ask him. ‘’That Rika is alive? _Rika_. That V managed to cover it all up, that she ran off to make some… some--I’m just wondering what else I don’t know.’’ I’m a surging sea next to him, scaling levees, and he’s just a stream, trickling, easily redirected with a little push. 

‘’Of course I’m upset. I hardly slept last night,’’ he admits. ‘’I thought, ‘Why didn’t he tell me? Was it my fault?’. What if I had done something differently, would we not be here today?’’ His chin slips and he cups his face in his hands. ‘’And I thought of Rika. What she’s doing. Where she is. If she’s okay. And then: What if I should not be worried about her, but what she’s doing to others?’’ He pries his hands away, looks at me, and I see the little crack in his facade. ‘’I have to come to terms with the fact that I can no longer trust Jihyun the way I used to. That I have to question his judgement, and wonder if I should really sit still and wait for him.’’ 

Finally, his chest rises, up, up, up, then it falls. He breathes out, disturbing the papers on his desk. I watch them flutter, shifted until he puts them back in place. 

‘’I have to go back to Rika’s.’’ 

He pauses, fingers poised on a pencil that began to roll. ‘’For what reason, exactly?’’ I gesture to myself. ‘’Ah, clothes.’’ He mulls it over and places the pencil back in its jar. ‘’No. I’ll have clothes bought for you.’’ 

‘’I want to do it, Jumin. I… kinda need to do it.’’ When he doesn't look convinced, I go on, ‘’My intention isn’t to snoop, I promise.’’ 

He stands. ‘’That’s not my concern.’’ 

‘’Then send someone with me.’’

‘’Finn.’’ 

‘’Jumin.’’ 

He walks around his desk, trailing his fingers as he goes. He stops when he gets to my side, inspecting his fingertips for dust. ‘’You’re the most stubborn person I’ve ever met.’’ 

‘’Then you must have not met as many people as you thought you have.’’

❤


	16. I Don't Want to Know What's Going to Happen Next

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> geez, has it really been 12 days since i last updated? or is ao3 just tripping  
> keep losing track of time
> 
> i blame animal crossing

It’s still a shock to walk back through Rika’s door.

I thought maybe, just maybe, I’d come back and it’d all be back to normal. It’s still there, though. I’m still the only person who has seen it. I don’t have to be, I could let my bodyguard in with me--Min-kyu is his name--but I asked him to stand outside.

Like before, I tiptoe around the mess, this time keeping my eyes up. I grab my backpack and start stuffing it full of my belongings. Mainly clothing, a few books. I haven’t collected much since I moved here. Despite that, my backpack does eventually prove to be too small, and I head to the kitchen to grab a reusable bag.

The flowers are still sitting there on the counter, now slightly wilted. I want to throw them away and pour the water down the drain, but I can just see the hands that touched them. How they cut them from their pot and filled the glass with water. I wonder what reaction they were hoping to get from me. It all feels a bit too personal at that point, and I find the bag and walk away.

It really isn’t that long before I’m standing back at the front door, taking it in. And it doesn’t register until then that I might never come back here again.

I hike my backpack over my shoulder and slide my bag up my arm, tossing one last glance at the disaster behind me before closing the door.

When I return to Jumin’s, I call out that I’m back, and a maid I didn’t notice before comes scrambling to meet me.

She looks a bit panicked. The whole house feels different than when I left it. It’s sort of… crackling.

‘’May I take your things?’’

‘’No, I’ll keep them, but thank you.’’

She nods and folds her hands in front of her. ‘’Is there anything else I can do for you?’’

‘’Mmm, no.’’ I peek around her shoulder. ‘’But, uh, where’s Jumin?’’

She smiles uneasily and looks away from me for a split second. ‘’Mr. Han is in his office,’’ she says. ‘’I would not disturb him.’’

‘’Oh…’’ She nods again, this time with much more fervor. ‘’Okay, thank you.’’

Jiji comes flying out of the hall, claws making a racket, just as I step away from the maid. He does that cat thing, gets up on his tippy toes with his back arched, and bounces towards me.

‘’Well, aren’t you fierce.’’

He weaves between my feet and tries to attack my shoelaces all the way to the guest room. Once I slide my backpack off and set my bag down, I scoop him up and set him on the bed. He sits there and stares at me with those big amber eyes of his, tail flitting back and forth. I throw him a sock and he pounces. He flips onto his back and kicks it in the air, clawing until he picks it up in his mouth. I know I’ll never find that sock again when he falls off the bed and tears out of the room.

‘’Jiji, come on.’’

He doesn’t get very far, stumbling over it, as he’s hardly bigger than the sock itself. I bend over to take it from him, and he gives a little growl and runs down the hall, disappearing into an open room. I’m dead set on getting my sock back, preparing to pry it from his little fangs if I need to until I hear Jumin.

His voice is raised, enough where it’s audible from outside his office door. The words he spews at the person he speaks to are unintelligible, but I don’t need to know what he’s saying to know he’s upset; I’ve never heard him raise his voice.

It feels like I’m encroaching on something.

I edge away from the door, about to resume my hunt for Jiji when I hear V’s name. Jihyun. Shame definitely fills me to the brim, makes me feel sick as I place my hands and ear against that wall, but I do it anyway. He’s talking to V about the RFA, I discern. About Rika. There are only a few words I can catch, even though it goes on for a while. Eventually, my hands get tingly and numb. I turn and lean against the wall. The back of my head knocks as I look up to the ceiling.

It kinda feels like I’m dreaming for a second, then my brain snaps back to.

Surreal is the word to describe it.

I’m in an organization that’s being targeted, and behind the scenes, the supposed dead creator of said organization is still alive. And not everyone knows.

Everyone should know.

Then I feel worse.

Shouldn’t I have some loyalty to V? But it can’t be both him and the other members. There has to be some sort of sacrifice.

A slam breaks me from my thoughts and pulls me away from the wall. When no one walks out, I approach the door and raise my hand.

I hesitate. I knock.

His indistinct invitation comes through the wood a second later. I turn the knob and walk in, closing the door back behind me. He looks a lot like he did earlier. Elbows on his desk, face in his hands. His hair isn’t as neat as before, evidence he ran his hands through it.

‘’You alright?’’ I expect some sort of regret in his expression when he raises his head, maybe sadness, exhaustion, but no.

There’s nothing when he says, ‘’I did something selfish.’’

It seems Jumin made the sacrifice.

❤


	17. Everything is Fleeting, Always Passing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a heads up, there's a lot of messenger dialogue in this chapter

I’m scared for a moment. ‘’What’d you do…?’’

He can’t even look at me. Or maybe it’s not because of me, as he’s quiet for a moment. That’s enough to make me even more worried. Does Jumin Han ever hesitate?

‘’I… spoke to Jihyun,’’ he says. ‘’I told him that I believed his decision to keep Rika’s current state a secret is not a wise decision.’’

‘’It’s not,’’ I murmur. 

He goes on, ‘’And I offered him an ultimatum. Either he tells the RFA about what has happened, or I will.’’ I get what he says now about making a selfish choice. ‘’Tell me that this is happening. That I spoke to my friend in such a way… and… betrayed his trust.’’

I find my way to his side and set a hand on his shoulder. A measly attempt at comforting him, but it would feel wrong to do nothing. ‘’V is a very reasonable person, Jumin. I doubt he feels betrayed. In fact, I bet he feels bad that he made choices that had to lead you to make this decision.’’ He doesn’t respond. His shoulders rise, then they fall as a sigh escapes his lips. ‘’And V…. he… made mistakes, he needs to correct them. If you said nothing to the others, wouldn’t that still be selfish?’’

‘’I suppose,’’ he says, tone hushed, and I slip my hand from his shoulder.

‘’I don’t know if this really means anything, but I think you’re doing the right thing.’’

‘’That is what I’ll have to keep telling myself.’’ He stands and stares down. Then he looks at me. ‘’But, thank you.’’ I nod. ‘’Now, if you’ll excuse me,’’ he starts, headed for the office door, ‘’I need a moment.’’

He’s halfway through the door when I say his name.

‘’Wait.’’ He stops but doesn’t turn around. ‘’What did--what compromise did you two come to?’’

‘’I think you can guess,’’ he says, then he’s gone.

There was no malice to his tone; he wasn’t patronizing me. He’s right. I can guess. 

Jumin only returns to his penthouse when the sun is slinking away behind the horizon.

I’d explored what little the floor I’m on had to offer before resigning to the guest room, so I hear when the front door slams.

There are some voices, and then footsteps that get closer and closer to my room. Though the door isn’t closed, the attendant knocks anyway. She peeks in, looking less panicked than earlier, but still wary. ‘’Mr. Han asked for you.’’

‘’Okay.’’ I close the book I was reading--one of many stacked in the small bookcase in here--and follow behind her as she leaves the room. I find Jumin sitting in a chair in the foyer, leg crossed over his knee. He seems better, but once I get closer to him, I find out why.

Wine. I smell it all over him.

At the party, I found him heavily drinking after dealing with his father’s girlfriend, and now here after talking with V. He must drink to calm himself. At least that’s what I’m hoping.

‘’Hello, Finn. I apologize for my absence.’’

‘’It’s alright.’’ I stand in front of him, arms behind my back. Elizabeth appears from behind his chair and hops into his lap. He begins to stroke her and she gets her white hair all over his suit. I’m hesitant to ask, but I do it anyway, ‘’Did V say anything specific? About when he’s going to visit the messenger?’’

His methodical petting doesn’t stop, though his brow does furrow. ‘’He said he would do it tonight. He also told me he would inform the others.’’

‘’So, shou--’’

He picks Elizabeth up and sets her by his feet before leaving his chair. ‘’Are you hungry?’’ he asks.

‘’What?’’

‘’Would you like something to eat?’’

It’s off-topic, his question, but I can’t exactly say no to him. I don’t remember the last time I ate. ‘’Yes, actually, I would.’’

‘’Good, I’m starting to develop a bit of an appetite myself.’’ Then, after a quick call of someone’s name, a woman appears out of nowhere. Not the attendant from earlier, someone different.

She nods. ‘’How may I assist you, Mr. Han?’’

He walks to the door while she asks him that. ‘’I’d like you to take an order for the chef.’’ He slips on his shoes while the attendant pulls a notepad out of her pockets.

‘’Of course, and what would you like, Mr. Han?” She glances at me with a puzzled smile. ‘’And…’’

‘’Finn,’’ I say.

‘’And Mr. Finn.’’

‘’Finn, you may ask for whatever you’d like.’’ Jumin taps the top of his newly clad foot against the floor, adjusting his shoe.

‘’Oh, okay...’’ I ponder it. What do I want? It’s harder to decide when it could be literally anything. And knowing Jumin, _literally literally_ anything. I settle on something simple, however. ‘’Pancakes.’’

‘’May I ask what kind?’’

‘’Hmm. Strawberry is fine.’’

She scribbles that down. ‘’And what would you like, Mr. Han?’’ she asks Jumin, who stills stands by the doorway.

While he asks for his food, I wonder if I should be getting my shoes on, too. ‘’We’ll be on the roof,’’ he says, then the attendant hurries off, and Jumin motions me over.

So, I will be needing my shoes. While sliding them on and sticking the laces inside, I say, ‘’I have been wondering what’s on the other floors.’’

He hums and opens the door, letting me walk out. ‘’Maybe you’ll get to see them all, someday.’’

‘’I’d like that.’’ I reach the elevator and press the button, Jumin settling by my side as we wait. I can hear the car rise up, then the doors open, and we step in.

‘’Eighth floor,’’ he says as I hover a finger over the variety of buttons. I press it, the doors close, and my stomach drops. ‘’We’ll have to take a small flight of stairs.’’

After a short, silent ride, the elevator opens to a small hall, which widens to a bedroom. I’m confused at first, then I realize it’s his room.

‘’Oh,’’ is all I can say.

He has another fish tank up here, and another stunning view of the city outside. It’s even more mesmerizing at night.

‘’Over here,'' he says, beginning to walk off.

I follow him through a door near to the window, we climb the stairs he spoke of, then we’re on the roof. Cold. Frigid. Freezing. There’s no protection up this high, it’s just you and the stars, and the wind immediately pierces through my skin.

‘’You sure know how to distract someone, Jumin.’’ The sky is like sprinkles tossed over a cake, sugar split over dark sheets. I look up and spin on my heel, the moon grinning as I do, and fall towards the edge of the roof. The concrete railing catches me, and I take a deep breath.

‘’I figured,’’ Jumin starts, and I bring my gaze down when I hear his voice has shifted. He sits a few feet away at a white, wrought iron table. ‘’That it’s better to be occupied.’’

‘’Mmm.’’ I take a seat across from him and tip my head back. It’s November, so I can see Pisces. I only ever learned one star it’s made up of; Fum al Samakah, Mouth of the Fish. Years of lying in my garden at night are to thank for that little bit of knowledge.

I look back to Jumin, whose gaze is on me, and I ask, ‘’What was your childhood like?’’ His head tilts ever so slightly. ‘’If that’s an alright question, I just thought since…’’

The hand he puts up makes me trail off. ‘’It’s alright,’’ he says, his fingers tapping against the table. He looks off to the side, seeming to search for a place to start, then he shrugs. ‘’It’s not much.’’

‘’Ah, yes, bold of me to assume you would waste any time being a child.’’ A small smirk plays over my lips.

‘’That’s not what I meant.’’

‘’I know, I know. But what did you do? What did you feel? What were your hobbies?’’

‘’Alright, fine,’’ he concedes. ‘’My youth is not as dramatic as you seem to believe. I was given what I asked for, what I didn’t ask for, and opportunity. My family was caring, I had a friend, and…’’ He pauses. ‘’That’s about all.’’ There must’ve been something else that he was going to say, but I don’t pry.

‘’So you just came out a stoney, cat-loving workaholic?’’

‘’Stoney?’’ he mutters.

‘’What do you think you would do if you were allowed to grow up without expectations?’’

He’s unable to answer this question before our food arrives. The attendant from earlier comes through the door with a tray of plates in her hand. Steam rises from them as she places on the table. Jumin and I thank her before she nods and goes back through the door she came from. I now see what Jumin asked for looks similar to glass noodles--not what I was expecting from him. My own food has also exceeded my expectations.

‘’Anyway,’’ I say past a bite of strawberry, ‘’that’s probably a pretty depressing question, sorry.’’

He shakes his head. ‘’It’d be hard to say. I as I am right now would influence my answer too much.’’

We don’t talk much after this, just eat. I finish before him, but when he slides his bowl aside, he still doesn’t say anything. I don’t make much effort, either. We sit.

‘’Shouldn’t we…’’

He clears his throat. ‘’Yes.’’ He stands. ‘’Don’t mind your dishes.’’

That being the last thing on my mind, I stand and follow him back inside. We take the elevator back to the floor his office is on. The lights are off, and everything suddenly feels utterly deafening. The moment Jumin takes a step forward, the room is illuminated.

‘’Back to the office,’’ he says, and I follow him once again. We reassume our positions from last time, and I take out my phone, hoping that V has stayed true to his word. 

ZEN: Hey, Jumin, Finn. 

Jaehee Kang: Welcome.

Finn: Hey

Jumin Han: Is V here yet?

707: No, not yet.

Jaehee Kang: No. Luciel and V asked us to be here, but we are yet to receive an explanation.

Finn: Oh…

ZEN: What’s this all about anyway?

ZEN: Does it have to do with the hacker? ;;

Yoosung★: Urgh… I hope not.

Yoosung★: Feel like it is though

Jaehee Kang: Perhaps he’s just checking in on us, he did say he be more active.

ZEN: Seven, Jumin, Finn, what do you guys think?

707: Uh

Finn: Let’s just wait and see ^^;

Jumin Han: Yes, wait for V, please.

707: Agreed.

Jaehee Kang: Alright.

Yoosung★: Seven, how’s your hacking... research… stuff going?

Finn: Ah, I’m curious about that, too.

707: aaaaaaaaaaaaaa

707: waaaaa

Jaehee Kang: …

Finn: That bad?

707: I’m spiraling

707: falling!

707: ewrtdkijmn

Jumin Han: No one knows what you’re talking about.

Yoosung★: Did you just smack your keyboard…?

707: I think I’m losing my touch.

ZEN: No way, you’re too persistent

Finn: Don’t get discouraged!

Jumin Han: This isn’t about your ego, Luciel.

707: ;;

707: I know, I know…

Finn: I know it’s a dire situation, but

Finn: keep going, have patience

Yoosung★: Yeah, don’t give up Seven. 

707: Thanks T_T

ZEN: Hey, is no one else worried about V?

ZEN: He’s the one who asked us here, but he hasn’t shown yet.

ZEN: And with everything going on…

Jumin Han: Luciel, what time did he message you?

707: Er…

Finn: Should someone call him?

707: No, no, I got it. Be right back.

_707 has left the chatroom_

Jaehee Kang: This is concerning.

Jumin Han: He’ll come.

Yoosung★: You don’t know that for sure.

Finn: Yoosung ;;

ZEN: Come on, Yoosung...

Yoosung★: No, I’m serious.

Yoosung★: He said he’s worried and he’d be on more,

Yoosung★: but he’s the one who asked us here

Yoosung★: and he’s not even here himself.

_707 has entered the chat room_

707: Okay, so, he should be here soon.

707: Hopefully.

ZEN: Not concerning at all.

Jumin Han: He’ll come.

Yoosung★: Ugh

Yoosung★: Can we at least have a hint?

ZEN: Nobody knows, Yoosung.

Jaehee Kang: I have a feeling that Luciel does, however.

707: Jaehee, so untrusting

Jaehee Kang: I’m sorry, it’s just a feeling.

Jaehee Kang: You and V often discuss ‘secretive’ topics together,

Jaehee Kang: and you did ask us to be here, along with V.

Finn: ;;

Finn: Seven…?

707: No, we’ll wait.

Finn: Alright.

Jumin Han: It’s about Rika

Finn: Jumin-- what.

707: geez...

Yoosung★: Rika???

ZEN: That’s sorta surprising

Jaehee Kang: I never thought she’d be something we would discuss…

Yoosung★: It’s about what happened with her apartment, right?

707: We should wait for V ^^;

Yoosung★:: Hasn’t it been a while since he contacted you?

Finn: Let's listen to Seven. ^^;

Yoosung★: If it’s something to do with Rika I want to know now

ZEN: Kind of have to agree with Yoosung. I’m not in a rush but I’m curious.

ZEN: And worried ;;

707: I’ll be right back again

_707 has left the chat room_

Jaehee Kang: Mr. Han, do you know what’s going on?

Jumin Han: V would like to clear a few things up.

ZEN: What is there to ‘clear up’?

Yoosung★: So it is bad, then.

Yoosung★: Is that why he’s late?

Finn: Could we maybe

Finn: uh

Jaehee Kang: Does the fact that he might not show mean this is worse than I anticipated?

Finn: Never mind ;;

Jumin Han: If Seven returns with bad news,

Jumin Han: I’ll be the one to discuss it.

Yoosung★: Wait, you know what’s going on, too?

ZEN: Are we the only ones in the dark?

Jaehee Kang: Finn

Finn: …

Finn: Yes?

Jaehee Kang: You were directly involved with the break-in at Rika’s.

ZEN: Finn ;; You know, too?

Finn: Yeah… sorry, guys.

_707 has entered the chatroom_

707: Well, if V doesn’t show in a few we might have to be the ones to explain things ;;

Finn: Jumin said the same ><

Yoosung★: I don’t care. I just want to know what’s going on and why it involves Rika

Jumin Han: Finn, Luciel, we can give it a few more minutes, however...

Jaehee Kang: It’s very unlike him not to show.

Finn: Gosh, I feel kind of…

Finn: disappointed?

707: Jumin, Finn saw more than we did, so if he’s okay with it

707: I guess

707: you can go ahead.

Jumin Han: Finn?

Finn: Go ahead…

Jumin Han: Right.

Jumin Han: So, as you know, V has asked you here today

Jumin Han: to discuss a few things.

Jumin Han: But he hasn’t made an appearance,

Jumin Han: and I’m not surprised.

707: ?

ZEN: Oh…?

Jumin Han: What he wanted you all to know must have been a very heavy burden.

Jumin Han: One he has now passed to me.

Yoosung★: And that is...?

Jumin Han: The night of the break in at Rika’s yielded not only disaster,

Jumin Han: but things V was hiding.

Jumin Han: Finn, you may speak of what you saw.

Finn: Ah, right. Uh…

Finn: I guess I’ll get to the point.

Finn: There was a lot going on in the apartment, 

Finn: furniture out of place, broken glass, files spewed about,

ZEN: God.

Finn: and some of Rika’s personal letters.

Finn: Which were torn apart.

Finn: I saw them and

Finn: it seemed that.

Finn: Uh, well

Yoosung★: Yeah?

Finn: It seemed that Rika knew me.

Yoosung★: What? Really?

ZEN: Ha, small world.

707: Guys, that’s not it…

Finn: But the letters, V told me that they would be arriving while we were at Zen’s.

Yoosung★: And?

ZEN: Old letters…?

Jaehee Kang: …?

Finn: No.

Finn: New.

Jaehee Kang: No...

Jaehee Kang: Am I interpreting this wrong?

ZEN: New? Wouldn’t that mean she would have to write them herself?

ZEN: Is V getting pranked or something

707: Ah, just… just tell them, Finn ;;

Finn: Sorry, it’s just hard.

Finn: Um

Finn: so

Jumin Han: V asked us here today because he wanted to tell us that

Jumin Han: Rika is alive.

Finn: thanks...

Yoosung★: What

Jaehee Kang: That can’t be.

ZEN: Wha-- that makes no sense.

Yoosung★: You guys are joking.

Finn: Sadly, we aren't...

Yoosung★: No, why would V hide that?

Yoosung★: He lies but…

Yoosung★: he wouldn’t…

707: It’s true, Yoosung.

707: I’m sorry…

ZEN: I have so many questions ><

Jaehee Kang: Why would he lie about that?

Jumin Han: He told us that she wasn’t in a good state of mind. He was trying to protect us.

Finn: Yoosung?

Yoosung★: Rika… 

Yoosung★: is ALIVE.

Yoosung★: I knew it. I knew there was something about V!

Yoosung★: u guys didn’t belive me! God!

Yoosung★: wHAT he hell do u mean by ‘he was trying to pretect us’?

707: V talked about her being paranoid and having delusions.

Finn: He said she grew to believe that she was a savior,

Finn: and ran off to form some ‘paradise’.

Yoosung★: Seriously? Even Finn knows?

ZEN: Hey, come on, Yoosung. I know this is insane but seriously

707: He only found out recently, too, Yoosung.

Finn: It's fine

Yoosung★: Yeah, it IS insane, Zen.

Yoosung★: I thought Rika told me everything. I thought she trusted me…

Yoosung★: It’s just… I don’t know if this is real.

Finn: V said Rika didn’t want any of you knowing.

Jumin Han: Yoosung, I know it’s hard to take in, but I believe that

Jumin Han: despite his habit to be deceitful, V was telling the truth.

Jaehee Kang: Is running off all V said about her whereabouts?

Finn: Yeah, unfortunately.

Jumin Han: Actually

Finn: ?

Jumin Han: I think he knows where she is.

707: U don’t think…

Jumin Han: I would love to say this threw me for a loop.

ZEN: Gosh, V…

Finn: Then he lied?

ZEN: I don’t want to think of him this way.

Jumin Han: Yes.

Yoosung★: Ar we not going to do anythng?!

707: Of course we’re going to do something.

Finn: I think it’s more a matter of what CAN we do…

Jaehee Kang: Yes... V was supposed to explain the situation, wasn’t he?

Yoosung★: What do you mean?

Jaehee Kang: I’m saying that we don’t have much to go off of.

ZEN: I mean, we have a genius hacker and Jumin Han.

ZEN: I’m sure there are things we can find ;;

Finn: I think the files would be the place to start, right?

707: Well crap ;;

Jumin Han: Damn it.

Finn: What…?

ZEN: What’s wrong?

Finn: Wait

Yoosung★: ‘Wait’ what? What are we missing?

707: V said he didn’t know the password to Rika’s apartment.

Jumin Han: V has said a lot of things.

Yoosung★: Guys explain please

Finn: V might have gone to Rika’s...

Yoosung★: What's wrong with that? 

Jaehee Kang: To mess with her things?

707: Maybe.

ZEN: Why would he do that?

Yoosung★: Is that why he’s not here?!

Yoosung★: is he trying to cover more stuf up!

707: He said he didn’t want us involved in his problems.

Jumin Han: V isn’t the type to burden other people.

Yoosung★: That’s not his decision!

Yoosung★: He doesn’t get to decide that.

Yoosung★: God… I’m just so...

ZEN: Yoosung

Yoosung★: I swear, if you tell me to calm down

Jaehee Kang: …

ZEN: ;;

ZEN: What I was going to say is, what if Rika doesn’t want to be found?

ZEN: I know she’s not well but… she’s still her own person.

707: I mean, even if she doesn’t, we’re still owed an explanation.

Finn: And if she’s still unwell, she deserves help.

Finn: But we should focus on the present for now.

707: That would start with the apartment, then.

Jumin Han: Yes.

707: Guess we should head there soon?

707: if we are right.

Yoosung★: I want to go as soon as possible.

Finn: So, I guess I should send you the address

Yoosung★: Yeah

Yoosung★: You’re not coming, though?

Finn: Um, I haven’t thought that far ahead yet. Probably, though.

Yoosung★: Thank you..

Jaehee Kang: How can I be of assistance?

ZEN: Yeah, me too.

Finn: I’ll also send you guys the address, just in case.

Finn: But, besides that, I don’t know.

Jumin Han: Assistant Kang, continue the preparation on acquiring security

Jumin Han: and dispatching them. 

Finn: I almost forgot about that ;;

Jaehee Kang: Yes, Mr. Han.

ZEN: Me too, with everything going on. ;;

Jaehee Kang: I’ll get to that now.

Jaehee Kang: Keep me updated.

Jumin Han: Of course.

ZEN: Bye, stay safe, Jaehee.

_Jaehee Kang has left the chat room_

Jumin Han: Is there anything you need help with, Luciel?

707: No, not right now.

707: Maybe in the future though.

Finn: Are you sure?

Finn: You’re busy with the break in situation and everything.

707: Hmm. Well.

707: Finn, if u don’t mind, could you visit the apartment for me?

707: Send me what you see and whatnot.

Yoosung★: I could do that.

Finn: Yeah, no problem.

707: Yoosung, no offense, but I don’t trust u to not get distracted.

Yoosung★: Fine.

707: Zen, I might need you later.

ZEN: Okay, for what?

707: this and that

ZEN: ...

ZEN: Alright...

Finn: I guess that leaves the password.

Finn: I’ll send it to you guys over IM.

Yoosung★: Okay.

Jumin Han: Alright.

Finn: So…

Finn: See you there, Yoosung

**R.F.A**

This conversation will be archived in the RFA records,

I hereby agree to treat this conversation as confidential

After leaving the chat room, I give up the promised numbers to everyone--even Jaehee and Zen, just in case. Then I slip my phone back into my pocket and relieve Jumin’s desk of my weight. He’s still on the messenger, talking with the others. In the meantime, I scuff my shoe against the floors and try not to think about how all of this is going to go.

I only speak when he sets his phone down and looks at me. ‘’I have to go back to Rika’s apartment.’’

‘’You don’t have to clean up after V.’’

It’s a surprise to hear that come from him; I thought he would be eager to bring everything out into the open. To get answers, to find Rika. To find V, though he might not be able to forgive him now.

‘’This has nothing to do with fixing V’s mess,’’ I tell him. ‘’I feel I’m involved in this just as much as you are. I want answers, too.’’ I’m looking at the side of his face now.

He focuses on the blank screen of his phone, silent until he begins to shake his head. ‘’I believed him.’’ he starts. ‘’I believed him and didn’t listen to that nagging doubt inside of me. One that said, ‘you know this person, not you trust this person’.’’ He stands up, meeting my gaze again. ‘’Now you want to chase after him.’’

The sound of his chair rolling into the window isn’t what makes me flinch.

‘’I told you. I’m not.’’

His arms cross over his chest and he frowns like last night in the parking lot. ‘’Is it conceited of me to say I know what type of person you are?’’

‘’What?’’

‘’You want to help everyone, Finn,’’ he says. ‘’You want to help everyone get answers, help Yoosung find closure, help Luciel solve the mystery. Help us trust V again.’’

That feeling, the one I had the night at Zen’s on the curb, I find it crawling all over me again. A frown to match Jumin’s covers my face. ‘’Don’t put words in my mouth,’’ I snap. ‘’Of course, I want to help. Don’t act like there aren’t things I don’t want to know, like I’m insignificant in all of this.’’ The man in the nursery. The flowers. Why Rika knows. I have all my own questions I won’t tell him. ‘’You’re turning this to me. I thought you yourself wanted to help.’’

His frown falters to a blank slate, and his arms fall to his side. ‘’I do.’’ He pauses as he turns to the window, putting a hand on the chair. ‘’But I should consider the things that have happened. I’m afraid of doing something rash.’’

‘’So, you’re not coming with me.’’ He swivels the chair back and forth, seeming to be in thought. His silence is my response. ‘’Fine, stay, I’ll be back.’’

He doesn’t however; he doesn’t stay and swivel his chair. His footsteps trail behind mine as I leave the office and head for the front door. My shoes wait for me there, and I slip them on as he stands behind me without a word. I almost anticipate him asking what time I’ll be home, like some doting housewife bidding her husband goodbye. However, he does not. His parting words are something different, something to pester me.

He asks, ‘’What will you do if they say they can’t forgive him?’’

I leave without giving him an answer.

❤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well then


	18. This Might Be the Last Time I Wish to Take Back What I've Done

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a rather long note, but I advise you read it.  
> Thank you. ･ᴗ･
> 
> Starting from here, this story will have darker points throughout it, as mentioned in the tags. And though tags are a warning, I know that I haven't covered everything, but I'm going to say right now that  
> I am not going to be using specific TWs.  
> This isn't because I think they aren't helpful--they are. It's because what triggers me might not trigger someone else, vice versa. While there are some obvious triggers, I'm not confident enough in my knowledge to give proper discretion.  
> All I'm going to say is that  
> please know there are things in this story that are potentially triggering, and please don't subject yourself to something harmful. 
> 
> Lastly, I want to talk about my portrayal of DID (dissociative identity disorder).  
> This story is in no way a representative of those with DID or other dissociative disorders.  
> While I've done my research, and continue to do so, as I've genuinely found in interest in some DID related content creators, I am not a psychologist. Nor do I have a dissociative disorder, or know someone with one. So, please don't use my story as a point of reference for learning about DID.  
> This is fiction, and some descriptions of certain experiences may be inaccurate or dramatized, though I've tried my best to keep it realistic while understandable.  
> Again, please don't judge people with DID off simply what I've written. Everyone has their own experience.  
> If you're someone with DID, or you know someone with DID, and there's something you feel I should change, feel free to tell me.
> 
> Whew, and with all that being said, please enjoy!

My goodbye was missing its finality.

I looked over my shoulder, and now I’m back on a bus. At night once again, less alone, but still that same stench of human and worn leather.

I’m sweating; my hands stick against the seat no matter how many times I peel them off. I’ve seen people come and go throughout my ride, silently wondering where they are going, what they are returning home to. Silently wishing that I could be one of them instead.

I would never take back joining the RFA. Ever. But part of me wonders if I should really be pursuing this.

What happens _if_ we find Rika? Does she even want to be found? Would she even come back? What happens if she doesn’t? Too many questions, not enough answers, and too little time.

My thoughts steal my determination from me. It was there when I stepped on the bus, but when I step off, cold air digging its claws into me, I can’t find it anywhere.

The bus doors close behind me with a woosh, tires crackling as it pulls away, and then I’m alone on the curb. 

_You should hurry up_ , my mind says, but I’m still. The night is still.

A dog barks in the distance, I hear the honk of a horn far away, and buildings tower on all sides of me, yet I’m alone. At least, that’s how it seems. Movement catches my eye. My feet move without me thinking, but I look over my shoulder as I step off the curb.

Three men. The same from the other night. Coats that graze the ground, eyes hidden under shadows. They walk in eerie harmony, and the scuff of their shoes against the concrete is in time with mine.

Fear is a strange thing, unannounced and gnarly, not something I want to hold in my hands. But it doesn’t care. How do you control that--the zeal of fear that makes you feel more akin to prey? I want to pay it no mind, believe that nothing around me quickens. My heart, my pace, the people behind me.

‘’Excuse me,'' one of them says. A prickly, gruff voice.

I reel around to face them in a second, my most potent scowl on. They halt all in the same moment, shoes on the same spot, a few feet away from me. Apprehension torments my guts, twisting them into knots.

‘’Could we have a moment of your time?’’

Tongue sharp, I say, ‘’Sorry, I have somewhere to be.’’

‘’Please?’’ The same voice begs this time, but I’ve already turned my back.

My hands are sweaty again, so I shove them in my pockets. One of them calls out again, but I keep my back to them. Soon, I’m under the sickly green light of a twenty-four liquor shop.

My shadow stretches, then crumbles.

Hands tear at the back of my shirt and my feet desperately search for traction as I’m shoved into an alleyway. My palms scream at the contact of concrete to flesh, and I wipe a cigarette butt from my mouth.

‘’Just a second, sir.’’ The same voice mocks me, casts a shadow over me, blocking out the green glow and I scramble up to face the cloaked men.

‘’What the hell do you want?’’ I spit out.

‘’I told you.’’ A step. ‘’A moment.’’

Then his fist hurls towards me.

I slam my shoulder into the brick wall on my side to avoid meeting his knuckles. Blood pounds in my eyes, and it’s like my brain flicks between two channels, unable to decide which to settle on.

Fight, flight, fight, flight.

Flight.

My fight odds are hardly even as it is, but my flight choice doesn’t get me very far, either. I’m stumbling again and taking a hit to the shin. Grubby, desperate hands burn on my neck and arms as I thrash about. My voice is dry but I scream anyway.

‘’Shut the fuck up.’’

‘’Keep still, you’re making it worse for yourself.’’

My face slams into the ground before I’m peeled away and forced to look at the stars.

‘’Dammit, look what you did. Scratches all over him.’’

One of them looms over me, feet on my hands, hand on his hip. I buck and struggle and try to clench my fists but it’s like I’m nothing but a fly. Another enters the side of my vision, crouching down to meet my level. His face is still shrouded, I don’t know what he’s searching for, but he leaves me to listen to my thumping heart.

Then he leans in. ‘’Here’s how it’s going to go,’’ he says, right in my ear. ‘’You’re going to get up and follow us out of here, sane and silent. And if you don’t, I’ll let you imagine what will happen to you.’’ He stands and presses the toe of his boot into my neck. ‘’ _Alright?_ ’’ The grainy surface of the ground pulls at my hair as I nod. ‘’Good.’’

The man above me steps off my aching hands and tugs me up by the wrist. White fills my vision and nausea works its way up my stomach.

Was I really just on my way to the apartment a few minutes ago?

I break from their grip and lurch forward as bile rises in my throat. A hand grabs me a second later, and my forehead digs into the brick wall, but I’m already losing my dinner.

‘’Sick,’’ one of them hisses.

They jostle me around as I try to stand steady and catch my breath. ‘’Shit,’’ I breathe out. This can’t be happening.

‘’Let’s go.’’ They tug me along, deeper into the alleyway, and I let myself be dragged. Through the labyrinth of streets and halls, away from the eyes of others, so many turns and twists I don’t even know where I am anymore. Someone could get through these back streets without ever meeting anybody else.

I don’t dare ask where they are headed for, instead, I wait. For what exactly, I’m not sure. But wherever they are going, I don’t want to tag along.

They stop at the end of the seemingly endless alley they’ve been walking through. One of them steps out first and glances to their left. A car speeds by, illuminating him for a split second before it goes dark again. Then I’m shoved across the road. There are wrought iron bars on my right, a fence, and behind them sits a park. This is their destination, I realize. It’s utterly bare.

A sharp ringing cuts through the emptiness, and my heart spikes.

There’s a glow in one of the mens' pockets, and he holds up a finger before walking a short distance away. I don’t know who he’s speaking to, or even what he’s saying, my whole focus is on the man who is latched onto my arm. He stands ahead of me, head turned to the man on the phone.

The nausea comes back, and my body shakes in anticipation. My fingers lock into my palm. I don’t have the luxury to hesitate, so I don’t. My fist slams into the man’s face. It all seems to happen in one moment, on a one-second timeline. The swears that are thrown everywhere, the soles of my shoes tearing up sod as I break away, the searing pain in my hand.

This is happening.

The road is my beacon, and I race down it, heart pounding, searching for a light. My screams come out broken and labored, just as my breath does. Other feet slap the pavement behind me, and a hand brushes against my back. Then it grips. The last bit of breath in me all goes into screaming, swearing, yelling at the men dragging me across the asphalt. It all pours out until I’m dizzy, and there’s dirt on my tongue. I roll over and strain my neck to look up. I can no longer see the road.

‘’Son of a…’’ The man who I punched, hood now down, cheek swelling, stalks towards me. ‘’... _bitch_.’’ He nails me in the ribs with his shoe. It makes me recoil onto my side, coughing, and gasping for air. His yanks my hair. ‘’Look at me.’’ Tears cut down my cheeks, salty, as I look into his enraged glare. ‘’I gave you the opportunity to be civil, didn’t I?’’ I grit my teeth and claw at his hand as he pulls my head higher off the ground. ‘’Enough,’’ he growls, letting my head fall back into the dirt.

His hand vanishes into his pocket, then emerges with something in his grasp. It catches the dim light of the moon, glinting, dangerous.

Dread fills me to the brim. Scuttles up my spine like a spider, sinks it’s needle-like fangs into my neck, paralyzing me.

I can’t move.

I can only watch, feel, listen.

Watch as the two other men appear in the corners of my eye. Feel their hands on me once again. Hear the tear of fabric.

Something cold bites into my arm, a clammy hand clamps onto my mouth. Something wet, something burning. My blood. I smell it. Coppery and sharp on my tongue.

It’s cold outside, the grass under me wet, but all of me aches and smolders.

My struggling only makes the fang in my arm dig deeper until something is jammed into my neck. A spile, letting the adrenaline ooze out of my veins. I’m weighed down now, numb.

The humming in my pocket can’t be real.

None of this can.

I fight to stay grounded, but my eyes are being drawn into the back of their sockets, and the burning is just too much to take. The last picture I see is the fang in front of my face, dripping red. 

❤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh, what's this? another note?  
> yes  
> but i'm going to keep it short lol  
> i just want to say thank you for reading. i know people can't control whether or not they give me a hit, but seeing that i'm close to 1,000 makes me really grateful. that somehow my bad tagging and measly description has attracted that much attention.  
> i've told myself that i'm writing for me, not for others, but seeing how much people enjoy my work definitely helps me keep going.  
> thank you.


	19. We Must Have Different Ideas of What's Pleasant

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and so begins another long, torturous ride
> 
> :')

I’m basking under the sky, a pillow of gentle grass beneath me.

The sun caresses my skin, tender, comforting. I let a deep breath fill my lungs and flush my nose full with the scent of flowers and soil. It’s all too familiar.

I’m back—back at my aunt’s. Somehow on that gentle slope before the creek, enjoying my time with the trees before it’ll be cut short.

I lift an arm and feel something brush against me. Light, hardly there, but it encompasses me, and it’s not sunlight.

No, it can’t be. I can’t be at my aunt’s.

My heart beats too fast, body aches too much, the ground is too smooth. And when I open my eyes, the world is too small, too closed in. I’m trapped by four utterly pink walls.

All my memories, ones I seem to have forgotten in an instant, slam into my skull at once. It sends a sharp tingling sensation down my spine, and I spring up from the bed I woke in.

Standing sends all my blood rushing through me, and I find my legs wobbling. My arm throbs, but I’m not ready to see what’s under my sleeve yet. A new sleeve, in fact. I’m dressed in a large, white T-shirt. It sits away from my body, barely touching my skin. This must be the result of the tearing of fabric I heard.

I pry my eyes away from my body and inspect the room carefully.

It’s fit for a princess. Lace trimmings and rose patterns, gold accents and a chandelier strung above my head. On a pretty little table, that sits on a pretty little rug, is a vase full of roses—what I must have smelt. Their petals are bleached by the sunlight streaming in through the windows. The gentle warmth I felt. Three of them, forming a nook in the wall, bordered by white curtains.

I approach them and press my fingertips against the damp panes.

I’m up high, at least two or three stories.

While the pleasantness of this room is unsettling, it’s not worth risking a broken leg for.

I turn away from the windows and scan the room once more.

There are two doors, and when I find one leads to a bathroom, I know the other must be the exit. I’d be lying if I didn’t say both my pace and heart quickened as I approached it. But when I turn the knob and it doesn’t budge, I’m not sure what I was hoping for.

My fear heightens to terror.

I’m trapped, and by whose hands, I do not know.

I dash to the window again. Everything about this is almost comical. Trapped up high in a room adorned with gold, waiting for some prince charming that will never come.

Suddenly, I want to tear the whole place apart.

I whip around to the bed and pull open the nightstand drawer. A book. The dresser is my next victim, but it only holds a wide variety of clothing. I slam the drawers shut and storm into the bathroom. It mirrors the bedroom, pink and gold. A clawfoot shower stands in the corner, and a toilet and sink sit pressed against the right wall. The sink is on thin, metal legs, with no drawers.

I place my hands on the cold porcelain, look up at the mirror, and lean into my reflection. My appearance is ghastly, black circles burden my eyes, my lip is swollen and my cheek bruised. Under my shirt, smeared over my ribs, is a tender bruise, purple and red under my skin. That’s hardly all, however. Beneath my sleeve, something aches, and it takes all I have in me to roll the fabric up.

It’s revolting, inflamed and red.

I raise a trembling hand and run the tips of my fingers over the sore flesh. The angry lines make an image of an unblinking eye. It coils itself from my deltoid to bicep, mocking me, taunting me. My reflection starts to go blurry, and I let my sleeve fall before crouching down.

Branded into my mind, it'll be an image that'll take time to forget.

After the world around me settles down, I push off the cold tile and trudge back into the bedroom.

I can’t stay here.

The first thing my eyes land on are the bed sheets. A thick, fluffy blanket, silky sheets underneath, I strip it from the mattress and throw it into a heap. It’s not enough to stretch the entire length of the building, but spraining an ankle is more pleasant than the scenarios my mind conjures.

My work is frenzied; I tie the corners of each piece of fabric together in a feverish haste. It doesn’t occur to me until I approach one of the windows, cloth rope attached to the bed and bundled in my arms, that it might be locked. And it is. I rap my knuckles against it, testing the sturdiness.

Regardless of its strength, my skin would be shred to a bloody mess.

The first thing that comes to mind is the book in the night stand drawer. A fairytale book, I realize, when I pull it out. It’s worn and musty, but has a delicate drawing of a frog on the cover. The Disobedient Frog, it reads. I run my finger along the sturdy spine.

It might not damage the window at all, but it's better it breaks than I.

The book is in my grasp, hoisted over my shoulder, ready to leave my fingers, when I hear the jingling of metal. I drop the book to my feet as the door swings open.

A man stands in the frame, quickly stepping in and shutting the door behind himself.

He matches the room, belonging in the same set, with his fantastical appearance. A magenta suit with a blue rose pinned to his lapel, hair bleached to the color of dull snow, and bizarre eyes, ones like sea glass. They are wet and filled with apprehension, and are all-too-familiar.

My fingers begin to tremble before he even speaks.

He puts on a delicate smile, and tucks his arms behind his back. ‘’Hello. I’m glad you’re awake.’’ He takes a few steps closer. ‘’How are you feeling?’’ His eyes run the length of me, and his smile falters.

The urge to lunge at this man is overwhelming, but I did that once before, and it didn’t end well. Instead, I stutter out, ‘’F-fine…’’ My mouth is dry and I lick my lips.

His arms fall to his sides and he sighs. ‘’Look at the state you’re in. I’m so sorry, no harm should have come to you.’’ He walks closer now, reaching out with a hesitant hand, then he draws it back.

I notice him look away from me, and to my attempt to escape. He says nothing. I blurt out, ‘’Please let me go. I don’t want to be here.’’ My sudden pleas make him stiffen. ‘’Please…’’

‘’I know this must be frightening, suddenly being here.’’ He looks back at me now. ‘’But I promise you, we have no ill intent.’’ I back away, legs hitting the edge of the mattress. _We_. ‘’We only want to ensure your happiness.’’ He seems so sincere when he says this, it sends a chill right through me.

‘’No, I don’t--I didn’t ask for this. I saw you once. What do you want from me?’’ A sudden thought finds its way to me. ‘’What do you want with the RFA?’’

A little, breathy laugh leaves him. ‘’I was right to think you’re sharp.’’ He approaches me. ‘’Don’t worry, all your questions will be answered in time.’’ He holds his hand out to me. It’s gloved, slender, and inconspicuous. ‘’Will you let me care for you?’’

I shake my head wildly in response. ‘’I don’t want what you’re offering.’’

‘’Then,’’ he starts, ‘’will you at least let me care for your wounds?’’ His outstretched hand, a seemingly innocent offer of goodwill. My arm aches, begging me to put my hand in his, at least a finger, merely nod my head.

‘’I can’t.’’

‘’Please?’’ he’s the one asking now.

Nothing is right. This isn’t my home, these clothes don’t belong to me, these wounds on my body should not be here. And this man in front of me, an affiliate of those who harmed me, should not be asking to clean up their damage. But what do I know about being kidnapped? Fight, flight, freeze. Make friends. The other choices are ruled out, and I find myself not placing my hand in his, but giving an unsure nod.

He smiles. ‘’Thank you. Now, excuse me for a moment.’’ He holds up a finger and disappears behind the door.

I don’t hear a click, but I don't dare test the handle. I just stand, wait for him to return, and he does, seconds later. A small plastic container is in his hands. Medical supplies, I notice, as he heads for the bathroom.

‘’It’ll be easier to help you in here,’’ he says, and motions me over.

I finally pry my feet off the floor, and walk into the bathroom. He holds the door open for me before closing it as he steps inside. He seems unfazed by the lack of space, but I find myself sweating as he digs through the medical kit. ‘’Is it only your face?’’ he asks.

‘’No.’’

His hands pause, stuck in the motion of grabbing gauze, then they resume. He hums and reaches to the sink, turning one of the handles. Water rushes out and he holds a cloth under the faucet, wrings it out, then turns to me. I flinch, he falters. ‘’Here.’’ He hands me the cloth, and steps away from the mirror. I stand in front of it and dab at my puffy lip. ‘’There’s not much I can do for your cheek,’’ he murmurs.

I don’t respond, trying to pretend that I'm not playing doctor with my captor.

‘’Where…’’ he pauses. ‘’Where else are you injured?’’

I lower the cloth, gaze down into the sink. ‘’My arm.’’ When I raise my head, look back in the mirror, I can see the small hint of terror that crosses his face. It makes me wary, as well.

‘’I see.’’ Calm again, he nears my side. He reaches out a hand. ‘’May I…?’’

I nod, and his hand comes closer. He gently slides my sleeve up, revealing the mark inch by inch. When it’s on full display, I notice his fingers tremble slightly, and the moment we stand frozen feels far too long. Then he takes the towel from my grasp and lightly runs it along my wound.

His tone is hardly above a whisper when he says, ‘’I’m sorry.’’

I can’t hold my tongue. ‘’Why?’’ My whole body stiffens in anticipation of some retribution, but it doesn’t come. He just reaches for a tube of ointment in the kit, and begins unscrewing the lid.

‘’We don’t condone pain in this place. What has been done to you is unforgivable.’’ He slides off one of his gloves. Faint, circular scars are dotted all over his knuckles. ‘’There are monsters in the world we live in, but,’’ he looks up at me, ‘’I promise you that we are human.’’ His eyes no longer look into mine, instead, with delicate precision, he lathers ointment on my arm.

I would sigh out in relief if I were anywhere else, thinking anything else.

We, this place.

A name forms on my tongue, but I swallow it. ‘’Wha--what is this place?’’

He smiles again; I can see his mouth twitch in the mirror. ‘’A paradise.’’ He pulls his hand away from me and replaces the ointment with a roll of dressing, and I’m left with a horrible sinking feeling in my stomach.

_She was trying to construct a place of paradise_.

The ripping sound of gauze pulls me from my thoughts, and for the first time since I stepped in here, I glimpse towards him.

‘’You’ll receive your answers in time, but I know you must be confused, so,’’ his eyes flick up, I look away, ‘’I’ll answer a few of your questions.’’ His small smile has not faltered all this time, and he tilts his head just a tad as he asks, ‘’Does three sound fair?’’

It takes me a second to register what he means, then I nod. I have a feeling he’s not going to answer my more _on-topic_ questions, so I search for something else to ask. ‘’Why pink?’’

His hands pause their work. ‘’This room was meant for… someone else.’’ He pinches my arm a bit as he presses the gauze into place. ‘’But, no matter, it’s better not to be wasteful.’’

To imagine who this room was meant for, one decorated to the liking of a young girl, is not pleasant. I push those thoughts aside while he puts the supplies away, and inspect his handiwork. It brings me to my next query. ‘’Are you… do you have practice in medicine?’’

He shakes his head. ‘’No, just… experience,’’ he says, his smile finally vanishing. I feel like he has something left to say, but I must have missed the finality in his words. ‘’Alright.’’ He clamps the kit shut, slips his glove back on, and starts for the bathroom door.

I follow.

The door opens, not to the mess I made minutes ago, but a clean, tidy room. Like how it was when I woke up. He doesn’t appear bothered by it. To me, it reminds me of the flowers in the apartment. Things touched by hands I don’t know. But it’s not like any of this belongs to me, anyway.

He sets the kit down on the table, beside the vase of flowers, before turning to me. ‘’I’ll leave it here for you,’’ he says. ‘’I’m sure you’d rather do it yourself…’’ Then he clasps his hands together behind his back, gives me another smile. ‘’Someone will be in here later to bring you a meal. I’m afraid that I can’t stay much longer, so I’ll leave you to yourself.’’

‘’Wait.’’ I pause to find the words, he waits, patient. He hasn’t shown any hostility towards me, but I still hesitate. Kindness can be deceptive. ‘’How long…’’ I trail off, deciding against what I want to ask. ‘’What’s your name?’’

‘’Oh. Hmm, I didn’t expect that,’’ he says. ‘’Well, I did forget to introduce myself, didn’t I?’’ One of his gloved hands appears from behind his back. He pulls at the tips of his neatly groomed bangs. ‘’My name is Ray.’’

‘’Ray? Like... a ray of sunshine?’’

I’m cringing at my choice of comparison, but he just chuckles and nods. ‘’I never thought of it that way.’’

‘’And, uh, I guess you know my name.’’

The red that appears on his cheeks surprises me. I thought that maybe he would look guilty or get defensive, but no, he turns red and averts his gaze.

Everything I’ve read about being abducted, everything I’ve seen and heard, it wouldn’t have prepared me for this.

Articles and videos speak of violent, dangerous criminals, not crazy-colored, blushing boys. Granted, I haven’t stepped outside that door yet. With what I’ve already seen, I can’t fathom what might be out there.

‘’Yes, I do. I wasn’t sure if you’d like to hear it come from my mouth, however…’’

If I were to tell the truth, I would prefer not to be so personal, but I’ve already decided to make friends. ‘’It’s alright.’’

He gives a very sharp nod, one that sends his hair flying, and brings his arms to his side. He looks like how I should, stiff and uncertain. ‘’If--If you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask. But, if not, I’ll be on my way.’’

‘’No, I’m fine,’’ I tell him, and at my words, he starts for the door.

He pauses in the middle of the frame, a hand resting against the wood, and glances over his shoulder. He says, ‘’Welcome to Paradise.’’

❤


	20. I Took it All for Granted

I’m in front of the windows again, palm flat against the cold, dew-covered pane.

A sliver of light creeps through the glass and turns my skin a milky orange. The sun is rising behind the trees in the distance, leaking through deciduous skeletons and evergreens. All those trees, dead or alive, make a foreboding fence. A wall against my escape if I were to suddenly sprout wings and leap from this window.

I’ve been standing here since the first hint of light warmed the curtains to a soft yellow hue. In fact, I was up all night, waiting to see the sun, waiting to see if it dared rise like every other day. And it does. It peeks above the treetops, mocking me.

Of course, life goes on, of course, the sun rises. The world doesn’t care that I’m stuck in this horrid, pink dollhouse.

I tried to keep my mind from longing, yearning to know things that are out of my reach. Flowers are a good distraction. Their names, meaning, uses. Their dangers. Digitalis purpurea, toxic to ingest, Aconitum Napellus, toxic to the touch, all plants in the Delphinium genus.

I was young when I learned that appearance can be deceiving.

Like most children, I was attracted to pretty things. Foxglove, with its soft, delicate petals, caught my wide eyes. Purple, pink, white, and yellow. My finger seemed to be made for the flowers; they slotted inside perfectly. Their sweet smell tickled my nose, and I beheaded one, carried it around with me. I imagined the petals clinking together like bells. Weeks later, I was burying my rabbit under a rose bush.

How could I have known I fed my pet poison, that the flowers were planted at the edge of the garden for a reason?

The sun is finally above the trees, I can hear footsteps outside my door. The world--the one around me, full of people I’ve not yet seen, is awake. I pull myself away from the window.

Accustomed to death at that point, I did little grieving, but it made me consider everything and everyone a little more closely.

A pretty flower, deadly if eaten, a shining jewel, sharp in your hands, a pretty face, lies hidden under flawless skin.

While at the dresser, sifting through clothes, I wonder if I’ll have any visitors today. If not, at least someone will bring me food. Though, like my dinner, I probably won’t be able to bring myself to eat it. A green sweater catches my eye, and I tug it out from under a different shirt.

It fits me perfectly, as I’m sure all the clothes in this dresser will. It doesn’t bother me as much as I think it should. I’ll save my surprise for something else.

After slipping on a new pair of jeans and socks, I sit at the table, nails digging into the wood.

I wish I had my phone. It was the first thing I checked for when he--Ray--left, but, of course, they took it. Without it, I’m blind. How will I know what’s going on, or if the RFA is okay? I have my own ideas, but they leave me spiraling, so much that I don’t hear the knock at the door.

A soft voice drifts through the cracks, and I stiffen. He asks if he can come in, I give him a meek reply, and the door opens. Slowly, tentative, then his shoe appears, followed by the rest of him.

How am I supposed to gauge what the people in this place are like if he acts like this? The thought that they aren’t monsters has crossed my mind, but I refuse to believe it. Being drug across the road is still branded into my brain like a bad dream.

‘’Good morning,’’ he says, seeming quite airy. ‘’I brought you breakfast.’’

‘’Oh…’’ He sets a plate down in front of me and joins me at the table. ‘’Thank you.’’ I eye the food before glancing at him. At least he has some self-awareness. The table, being as small as it is, wouldn’t leave much space between us, so he scoots back a bit. There’s a fork on the rim of the plate, and I pick it up and begin poking at the food.

‘’How is your arm?’’ he asks.

I find myself running my tongue over my swollen lip. ‘’It’s--uh, it’s the same.’’ To avoid further explanation, I force some food into my mouth.

‘’That’s to be expected. Tell me if the pain becomes too much, okay?’’

He leans down a bit to catch my eye, and I swallow thickly, look away. ‘’Okay.’’

I bring my gaze back and catch him staring, which he quickly covers with a question. ‘’How does it taste?’’

‘’Better than anything I’ve ever made.‘’

His hands clasp together, a pleased gesture, and he straightens just a bit. ‘’Good, I’m glad you like it.’’

Figuring that, if I want to get through any of this, I probably need to eat, I clear my plate and set it under the untouched one.

I thank him again and he shakes his head. ‘’My pleasure. I--we want to make sure you’re comfortable, so tell me if there’s anything you want.’’

It’s either me or his laid back demeanor that makes my reply come out a bit gutsier than it should be. ‘’I’d like my phone.’’

His eyes dart away and his fingers find his hair. ‘’Um, well, I-I don’t think that’s something I can do for you right now.’’

‘’Right now?’’ I ask. ‘’How long… am I going to be stuck in here?’’ My words come out a bit more desperate than I’d like.

‘’Oh, please don’t think you’re trapped. I promise you’ll have more freedom eventually, some things just have to be… arranged, first.’’

‘’I see.’’ The window calls for my attention, and I heed to it. I show him the side of my face and stare out at the trees once more. I wonder what my friends are doing. How many times has Cade called me? If I weren’t here, I’d be getting ready for work tomorrow.

My fingers run through my hair, and I mutter a swear under my breath.

The RFA would know why this happened, the first thing they’d think of is the hacker and Rika. Miyoung and Cade, not so much. All I can hope for is that they think I’ve ditched them, set off spontaneously to go live in isolation, or whatever they think of me.

Sighing, I tear my eyes from the window and look at Ray.

With a frown, he fiddles with the flowers in the vase. ‘’They wilt so quickly,’’ he mumbles.

The sight of him fussing over the roses brings a memory back to me. I used to draw. Landscapes, specifically, but one of my favorite drawings--because I was proud of getting it right--was of someone tending a garden.

‘’Ray.’’

He startles at hearing his name. ‘’Yes?’’

‘’There’s… something I’d like.’’

He brightens like earlier, a little smile on his face. ‘’What’s that?’’

‘’A sketch pad,’’ I say. ‘’And if it’s not too much, some… colored pencils.’’

‘’Oh.’’ He starts to stand now, and I bring my gaze up. ‘’Hmm, you like to draw?’’

‘’Yes.’’

‘’Alright,’’ he says, fidgeting with the flowers again. ‘’I’ll have someone bring you what you need.’’

My stomach drops a bit and my palms go sweaty. Excitement and apprehension are mixing around in me, making something that’s hard to swallow. ‘’Some...one…? Not you?’’

His eyes flick up. ‘’What?’’

I clear my throat and push down my embarrassment. ‘’Oh, uh, I just… I don’t know how anyone else is here.’’

If it weren’t for his bangs, I might have missed the breath he releases. ‘’Unfortunately, I’m busy most of the time. I would be happy to, but I just can’t right now.’’ He picks the flowers up, shaking droplets of water off their stems. A few dry petals fall to the table. ‘’Don’t worry about the others here, though. Everyone is very kind.’’ He flicks some water off the tips of his fingers, then looks at me. The corners of his mouth lift just the slightest. ‘’Okay?’’

‘’Okay…’’ I nod, slow and deliberate, and eye the flowers in his grasp. ‘’You can leave those.’’

‘’Hmm? Oh, the flowers.’’ He lifts them a bit and inspects them, nose scrunching up. ‘’They’re almost dead, though.’’

‘’It’s okay, I want to draw them.’’

‘’Ah, I see.’’ He catches his lip in between his teeth. ‘’Should I bring you new ones?’’

‘’I’d like that.’’

‘’So… would I,’’ he says, leaving me a little surprised. And strangely triumphant. There’s no doubt in my mind that he doesn’t trust me, so to have him admit something of some sort to me makes me feel like I’m accomplishing something. Getting closer to learning what I want to know. ‘’Ah, but…’’ He winces suddenly. ‘’Um, I have to go. Don’t forget about your arm, alright?’’

I give a hum in response, and he turns to go, then right as he’s at the door, he pauses. And I, in the middle of standing, pause as well. This will be the second time he will be leaving with a red face.

He says, ‘’For you to know, and I’m sorry I didn’t mention it earlier, but, uh, there are cameras in this room.’’ I’m not sure how to respond to this. Pretend to be surprised? But he goes on, ‘’So, you might want to change in the bathroom…’’

My stomach tightens. ‘’Oh, um, okay. Thank you for telling me.’’

‘’Of course,’’ he says and opens the door. Before he closes it behind him, he lifts his hand in a little wave. ‘’I’ll see you soon.’’

❤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> asdfghjl
> 
> the beginning stages of characters' relationships are always weird for me to write, so i hope this wasn't too... uncomfortable to read lol
> 
> and i'm sure it's obvious by now, but i decided to start naming the chapters  
> they're based off the thoughts of the character in focus, inspired by the MM UFO


	21. Is an Hour Too Much to Ask for?

Ray sat under the blue glare of several monitors, shoulders hunched. 

His eyes burned and his hands shook. Besides his own breathing, the only thing he’d heard for hours was the clicking of his keyboard. There was just too much to do, and not enough time to do it. Integrate new members into the database, keep an eye on Finn and finally finish with his phone, keep that damn redhead at bay, tend to the Savior.

Occasionally he would sigh, a soft rise and fall of his lungs that would relieve some of his tension, but it was merely a band-aid. He wanted to get out, see the sky, smell the winter air, and pick the flowers he promised for Finn. Yet, there he was, in that garishly-lit room with an unnatural chill to it. It was some sick kind of punishment for himself, but at least it brought about results.

He took a quick glance from one screen to another, one that displayed a pink room, occupied by a single person. 

Ray hadn’t expected to take a liking to the newest member of Mint Eye so quickly. He often found himself watching Finn, his focus just shifting to that particular screen without him thinking about it. He didn’t really know why said man caught his interest. Besides the fact that Ray had been keeping an eye on him for quite a while, he never really thought about what Finn might be like around him. Right now, understandably, he was guarded and timid, and Ray tried not to push things. 

The night after the first day, he sat at his desk chewing his nails, cursing himself for being so brazen. Was it wrong to have asked to help care for his wounds? He didn’t know. He hoped not. He just felt so troubled at seeing Finn in such a condition, especially after he revealed the mark on his arm. Ray wanted to stalk out of there and hunt down whoever his Savior put in charge of collecting Finn. Wanted to do something foul to them. 

Who were they to put their hands on someone him and the Savior deemed so important? 

His fingers left his keyboard to play with his hair, and he couldn’t keep himself from looking at that one particular screen again. 

Finn sat on the floor in the little nook of the windows, sketchpad in his lap. The dying flowers Ray had tried to take away from him sat a few inches from his feet. Ray made a mental note to bring him something different next time, not roses. He didn’t realize his focus was slipping. 

From here, he could see the swell of Finn’s bruised cheek, and Ray noticed every time his fingers stopped working against the paper, they would find their way to that bruise, just resting on it. Ray wondered if he knew he was doing it, like how sometimes he would catch himself tugging at his hair. 

Eventually, Finn’s hands completely stopped working, and he stood. Ray watched as he stuck the sketchpad away from his body, seemingly inspecting his work, before wiping a hand on his jeans, and placing the drawing on the table. Finn angled it directly at the camera. It made Ray’s heart skip a few beats. 

Was this his way of telling Ray that he found where the camera was? Was it a coincidence? Or was he showing his work off? There’s no way he’d know who was sitting behind that camera--if there was even anyone at all. 

Ray just brushed his thoughts aside and considered Finn’s work. It was of the flowers, of course, captured under a different angle and lighting. It was very precise, yet soft, and though Finn asked for colored pencils, gray. He might not have stopped staring at it, wondering what it would look like with colors if  _ he  _ hadn’t said anything. 

To Ray,  _ his _ voice was like nails across a chalkboard. It made him want to flee the room or slam his hands over his ears, but Ray could do neither. He averted his eyes back to his work and tried to ignore the taunting in his head. It always knew how to get under his skin, and those past few days, it had been quite lively.

Ray thought it might’ve had something to do with Finn. 

It always liked to ruin things for him, make him feel uncertain and insecure. He was worried it might try to take over him again, like once in the past. It was bad enough having to share his mind, why couldn’t it just get along with him? Why did it hate him so much? 

_ Flower boy _ , it teased.  _ Creep _ , it called him.  _ Lonely, desperate, worthless _ . He couldn’t make it stop, ever, and he didn’t know why. 

He rose quickly, teeth gritted and eyes finally watering to soothe the burning. There were only two things that could shut it up, send it to bed, and neither of those things was present. 

So he paced. 

Picked up Finn’s phone, tinkered with it, walking circles in his cramped room. 

At some point, the voice died down, drowned out by a fleeting, comfortable ache. It was all strange to him. Why did it come? Why did it go? And if it was a part of him, would it ever really stay gone? Of course, the voice, the feelings, they never gave any answers. Just sparked questions.  Ray turned to his Savior out of desperation, but she merely told him he was _special_. It did nothing to quell his confusion and curiosity, so the best thing he could do was distract himself. Pretend he was all alone in his head. 

He let himself collapse back into his chair, and further worked on the phone in his grasp. The redhead was persistent, digging and digging and digging. The smallest trail of crumbs and he was on it in a flash. Ray hardly wanted to admit it, but he was more than a little peeved that the redhead was so quick. Thankfully, Ray was proficient in slicing up his time. 

With his attention on one thing and one thing alone, he was finished before he knew it, leaving him with a moment to daydream. 

He wondered, _what would tomorrow hold?_

❤


	22. I Can't Tell Which Way I'm Falling

The days pass by painfully slow, yet I can’t remember how long I’ve been here. 

Five, six days? 

How many times have I already stood in front of those windows? I’m doing it even now, my sketchbook in hand. After drawing those flowers, I’ve been drawing landscapes, like old times. Not forests, not like the one in front of me, not the gardens in my memory, but open, unrestrained, sprawling fields. Though without a reference, they start to become repetitive, and I notice a pattern in my work. 

It looks like the place in my nightmares.

Not the new ones, no, no, the old ones.  Nightmares about lying dead in a field, like an animal left to rot. Drowning in a creek. Weeds swallowing me whole. 

My childhood continues to haunt me like I’m still carrying around a piece of that careful, little boy in my pocket. My mind doesn’t care that I'm grown. Though, recently, it has decided to focus on the present more. Blood and dark alleys, dogs with no eyes and dripping fangs.

I’ve started to lose sleep, just lying on top of the covers, staring at the ceiling, waiting for the sun. I take my pencil between my lips and flip through my sketchbook, watching real and imaginary places blur past. With a sigh, I turn my back to the view outside and set the book and pencil down on the table. I settle myself on the edge of the bed, nudging the frilly carpet with my sock-covered feet.

My arm itches and everything about me feels heavy. 

It’s been a few days since Ray has visited, and it’s given me time to realize something. 

I’m lonely. 

Not longing, but lonely. Not enough where I would dare talk to the cloaked people who bring me meals, but enough where I’m starting to imagine scenarios with the RFA. Starting to wish for Ray to come back, bring me those flowers he promised about.

I shake my hands out. 

Admitting that I want to see him makes me feel wrong. I have to force myself to see it from another angle.  _ It’s normal to crave companionship, even from someone untrustworthy. He hasn’t done anything wrong to you, right? _ I’m unable to convince myself, but it doesn’t stop the loneliness. 

The bed creaks in protest as I collapse onto it. Turning on my side, I look to the camera in the corner of the room. He’s behind that lens, I know. It wasn’t a coincidence he showed up just as I was about to attempt an escape, one I now realize would have never been worth it. _Adrenaline is some crazy stuff._

I flip onto my back, then back onto my side, then I sit up, then lie back down. Never in a million years did I think I might go stir crazy. One last adjustment to my position, then I’ve had enough, and spring up from the bed. 

How I even have the energy to be restless is beyond me.

I grab my sketchbook again and plop myself down in front of the camera, page open and pencil poised.  Patience--I need to have some. I’m not a priority, I’m not in control. I scoot around, back now to the camera, and begin to draw the room. While I understand perspective just fine, turns out drawing a tree isn’t the same as drawing a blanket, and I’ve erased the bed at least a dozen times by the time there’s a knock at the door. 

He steps in, gaze finding me in a second, and I jolt up. My sketchbook falls to my feet, along with my pencil. 

‘’A-ah, oops.’’ I quickly scoop the book back up into my arms and chase after the pencil that begins to roll towards Ray’s shoes.

’’I’m sorry,’’ he says as I clumsily set my belongings aside. ‘’Did I startle you?’’ 

Before speaking, I swallow the tremor in my voice. ‘’No, I’m alright.’’ A bit rigid, I dust the back of my jeans off, then finally fully face him. Clutched in his hand is a bouquet of flowers, winter flowers. White roses like the ones that grow wild, little, drooping flowers shaped like snowdrops, and small, yellow aconite nestled in between.  Behind them is his face, eyes gauging my reaction behind leaves and petals. ‘’Oh.’’ He lowers the bouquet and steps further into the room. ‘’They’re… very nice.’’

He gives me that soft smile. ‘’Ah, good, I wasn’t sure if you’d like them.’’ His attention now goes to the flowers. ‘’I tried to think about what you might like drawing. They all have very unique shapes.’’ At his admittance of careful consideration, I find myself not feeling discomfort, but guilt. It confuses me. ‘’I also have one more thing for you.’’ With a gentle touch, he places the flowers into the once empty vase before turning to me. 

‘’Oh…?’’ 

‘’Something else you asked for.’’ One of his hands disappears behind him, and it returns to my sight with a phone in its hold. 

My phone. 

Besides the excitement that surges through me, there’s caution, as well. Carefully, I approach him and take it from his outstretched hand. I run my fingers over the screen, and it flickers to life. 

‘’Why… are you giving this to me? I thought…’’  That’s all I manage to get out, and he fills my silence with an explanation.

He says, ‘’The leader here… my supervisor, I suppose, thought it would be best that I return it to you.’’ As he speaks, I’m digging through all my apps, my search history, my photos, to see if anything was touched. Everything is as it seems, only there’s one thing I won’t dare check in front of him. ‘’She…’’ he trails off, mouthing clamping shut, face going tight before he goes on. ‘’She thought you should have access to your… friends.’’

I can only manage a hum in response. Is this good, is this bad? She--Rika--what are her intentions? Why would they give me something that would put their work to waste? ‘’You…’’ He looks back at me at my prompting. ‘’You didn’t do anything to it, did you?’’ 

He says nothing for the longest time, like the conflicted stare he gives me will make me forget. 

Eventually, he sighs and begins to tug at his hair. ‘’I did.’’ He quickly catches up to soften the blow of his words. ‘’But, don’t worry, I didn’t touch any of your personal things. Just a little… tinkering, if you will.’’ 

‘’Alright.’’ I inspect the device a little closer, but all the work he did must have been internal. ‘’What exactly can I do with it?’’ 

‘’Well,’’ he begins to pace a bit, back and forth in front of the window, jittery. ‘’That messenger of yours is open, of course. Most things are, though you are unable to make any calls anymore…’’ He stops pacing, rubs his forehead. ‘’And, um…’’ He mutters out a few more things I can’t catch, seemingly having lost his train of thought. 

‘’And…?’’ 

‘’And you…’’ He looks to me, brow furrowed, blinking like he’s clearing away tears. Then it all just stops. He tilts his head back and rubs at his jaw. ‘’God,’’ he mutters, bringing his head back down, eyes falling on me. His mouth stretches into a grin, and it startles me, enough where I take a step back. ‘’Damn,’’ he says, and runs a hand through his hair. He looks down at himself, lifting up a leg. ‘’It’s been a while.’’ His eyes shoot back up to me, and that grin settles into a smirk.

‘’What are you--’’ My question is cut short when he starts closing the distance between us.

Quickly. 

My shoulders meet the wall, I drop my phone, and in an instant, something sparks in me. Like I was preparing for this all along, I let my arms fly out, but he catches them, grips  me, harsh, by the wrists. 

‘’Oh, so I was right. Not so docile, are you?’’ He bares his teeth in a wild smile right in my face, and both our bodies shake at the struggle we make. He wants to push, but so do I. ‘’Just stay still,’’ he barks.

It’s over when my elbows bend, and my arms slam against the wall. I don’t struggle after that, even if my whole being screams to get away from him.

‘’Ray,’’ I pant out, the wound on my arm throbbing, ‘’what the hell?’’ 

His whole face falls in a split second, and he hisses right in my face, ‘’Don’t confuse me with that flower boy. I came here to do what he can’t, so don’t you dare call me that.’’

My head is spinning. ‘’Wh--what do you want?’’ 

His grip loosens on me. ‘’I want you to keep those hands of yours to yourself, and listen up.’’ He tilts his head, mocking me. ‘’Or is that too much to ask?’’ 

In response, I slide my arms out of his grip, and he backs away. Eyes narrowed, I nurse my wrists as he begins to inspect the room. 

‘’For fuck’s sake.’’ He runs his fingers across the bed cover. ‘’What does he think you are, some sort of princess?’’ 

‘’Gosh, I feel stupid,’’ I mutter, and he whips around. 

He approaches me, but not as near as he was before. ‘’Poor little prince, confused, are we? Well, too bad. But, maybe, if you pay attention, I’ll answer one of your questions.’’ He leans in, arms behind his back, and smirk revitalized. ‘’I want to make some things clear to you, things Ray is too much of a little cunt to do. He was beating around the bush when he gave you this.’’ He pulls my phone out from behind him and tosses it to me without warning.

With a little fumbling, I catch it and quickly put it away in my back pocket. 

He goes on, ‘’The Savior here, she wants your friends. ‘Course, she wants you too, greedy as that is. She hopes to lure the idiots here, using you as live bait.’’ The blood in my veins, the blood that was just so hot, turns cold. ‘’Oh, surprise, surprise, is it? No wonder the flower boy likes you so much, you two are the same. Idiots.’’

Ignoring his jests, I ask, ‘’What makes her think I won’t just tell them?’’ 

‘’Patience, Little Prince,’’ he teases, ‘’I’m getting there.’’ He walks away from me, circling around the table to visit the window. ‘’I don’t know exactly what he did with your phone.’’ He pulls himself away from the window, faces me. ‘’But I know there are eyes on you. Everywhere.’’ He starts to stalk back towards me, steps slow and deliberate, each making me flinch in anticipation. ‘’One wrong move.’’ He’s too close again, enough where I can feel the venom leaking off him. ‘’And you might never see the sky again. We wouldn’t want that, right? Flower Boy is already in too deep, let’s not break his heart. That’d just be cruel.’’ With one last twist of his mouth, he turns on his heel and moves away. He begins to inspect the room with a look I could mistake for genuine interest. Like he wasn't just threatening me.

''Can I,'' I start, stop when he turns around. In an effort to collect myself, I draw in a breath.  ‘’Can I ask you something?’’ 

A coy look and he lifts his shoulders in a shrug. ‘’I did say that, didn’t I?’’ He lifts a single finger, moves it back and forth, taunting me. ‘’Make it quick.’’ He replaces his forefinger with his thumb, presses it against his temple. ‘’I’m getting a headache, and your voice isn’t helping.’’ 

‘’Well, um.’’ Trying to ignore his stare, the tapping of his foot, I scour through my head to find the right words. ‘’Are you--no, um, sorry. Uh, are you still… Ray?’’ 

‘’Oh, so predictable,’’ he says. ‘’Are you sure that’s what you want to ask? You only have one chance.’’ The sing-song tone of his voice makes me twitch, especially when that jeering look of his accompanies it. 

‘’I’m sure.’’ 

His foot stops tapping, like the ticking of a time bomb finally going off. The explosion is him right back up in my face, growling, ‘’That’s a shame. Did I not just tell you? He and I, we both share this pathetic face, but we are far from the same.’’ Like he’s suddenly gone bored, he tilts back a bit, on his heels, and studies me. ‘’The Savior here, she calls us  _ special _ .’’ He spits the word out. ‘’Others,’’ he says, bringing a single finger to the side of his head, twirling it, ‘’They wouldn’t use that word.’’ 

It takes me a moment to put it together. ‘’You’re multiple?’’ 

He rolls his eyes. ‘’Special, crazy, multiple, whatever.’’ His hands disappear into his pockets, and he looks down at himself. One of his brows rises, nose scrunches like he just realized something foul. 

‘’Oh.’’ While his attention isn’t on me, I slide away and fidget with my sleeves. Suddenly, everything is much more complicated. Ray, who I thought I was starting to understand, is a knot I might never be able to unravel. Rika’s plans have been made clear to me, but her exact intentions are still a mystery. And I have the ability to possibly end this all with just a few words if a knife wasn't pressed to my throat. ‘’Is that all you wanted to tell me?’’ I ask. 

He just tugs at his clothes and ruffles his hair. ‘’If you’re so eager to get rid of me, I might not leave.’’ 

‘’I--that’s n-not what--’’ 

He draws in a long, exasperated sigh. ‘’God, I’ve been out for so long, and what I come back to is this.’’ He thrusts an arm toward me, gesturing. ‘’You’re no fun. I have better things to do than waste my time with you.’’ He starts for the door. 

‘’Wait.’’ I almost curse myself when he stops. ‘’What about--’’ 

‘’Ray?’’ he snaps, interrupting me again. Avoiding putting my gaze anywhere near him, I nod. ‘’You’re much ruder than I thought you’d be,’’ he sneers, but this time, it isn’t in my face. I hear the click of the doorknob, but he goes on, ‘’Talking about him while I’m here. Want him back, huh?’’ His voice is starting to rise, and I stomach a glance at him. He’s stuck in the motion of leaving the room, a grimace on his face. ‘’That’s too damn bad. Everyone has spent too much time trying to keep me locked away, and there’s no way in hell I’m going to lose to that, whiney, weeping, flower boy.’’ He finally swings the door ajar and tears out of the room, a loud slam following him. 

I stand there, frozen until the pounding sound of his footsteps dwindles. Then I shove my hand into my pocket. There’s no reason I should be shaking; I was given access to my phone by choice, but that doesn’t stop my shivers. 

_ You have 11 missed call(s) and 8 new message(s) _

I’m anticipating there not being an open chat room--maybe my pessimism finally catching up to me--but when I see there is one, I can’t enter it fast enough.

707: oh my gosh

Yoosung★: FINN!!!!!

Jumin Han: Thank God…

707: Finn, where the hell have u been?

Yoosung★: I’m so happy you’re here T_T

Jumin Han: You’re not hurt, are you?

707: where are u?

Yoosung★: why didn’t you show up to the apartment?

Finn: hold on ;;

Jumin Han: Are you alright?

Jumin’s question makes me stop, pause, and think. The threat  _ he _ hissed right in my face is unforgettable. I find myself realizing that I will have to think through everything I want to say before I say it. This is exactly what I didn’t want to do--I didn’t want to lie. It’s like I’m back at Jumin’s. Who do I sacrifice? It’s too early to tell.

707: Finn? U there…?

Finn: Yeah, sorry.

Finn: To answer your question, I’m fine.

Finn: Unharmed.

Yoosung★: Good, good ;;

Jumin Han: That’s a relief.

Finn: And about where I am…

707: God, yeah, about that.

707: I can’t find anything.

Yoosung★: Really?

Finn: Oh…

707: About u, at least

707: Seems our culprit was a bit messy, left a few clues

707: but not enough to pinpoint an exact location

Finn: I can tell you what I know, but

Finn: it’s… not really pretty.

Jumin Han: Nothing about this situation is pleasant. 

Jumin Han: Especially since we all know it must have something to do

Jumin Han: with Rika.

707: Can u start from the beginning?

Yoosung★: Yeah, why didn’t you show up to the apartment?

Finn: um

707: ;;

Finn: I was stopped by some people

Jumin Han: Please let what you say not be what I’m thinking...

Yoosung★: What’d they want? ;;

Finn: er...

Finn: Me, I guess.

Yoosung★: WhaT?

Jumin Han: God, I shouldn't have let you go alone.

707: well shit

Yoosung★: Are you really okay?!

Jumin Han: Damn.

707: Can you tell me the location where you were when it happened?

Finn: Firstly ;;

Finn: I promise I’m fine, Yoosung

Yoosung★: You’re so calm...

Finn: It’s a bit hard to explain, honestly.

Finn: I’m not in danger, but I don’t really know what’s coming next.

Jumin Han: You don’t know if you’ll stay safe. 

Finn: Yeah

Finn: Oh, and Seven

Finn: I’m not sure what exact street it happened on

707: It’s fine if u can’t remember

Finn: No, I can. It’s kind of messy, but it was at this liquor store.

Finn: By a bus stop, about 10 minutes from the apartment.

Yoosung★: So out in the open…

Jumin Han: Luciel, what do you plan to do with this information?

707: Check to see if there’s any surveillance in the area.

707: Might be able to get something out of it.

707: I’ll take ur word that ur safe

707: for now at least.

Finn: Okay.

Jumin Han: Take his word for it? 

Yoosung★: Is that a really good idea, Seven?

_ZEN has entered the chat room_

ZEN: Holy shit Finn you’re here

Finn: Hey, Zen ^^;

ZEN: Crap, are you okay? We were all freaking out.

ZEN: Where are you? What’s going on?

Finn: I was just about to explain.

Jumin Han: Read the messages, please.

ZEN: Oh, right! Sorry. ;;

Finn: You’re good ^^;

707: Finn, mind going on?

707: and guys, if I could storm down wherever Finn is in an instant

707: I would.

707: But u do remember this involves Rika, right?

Jumin Han: Of course...

707: besides the fact that i don’t even know where he is

707: i don’t want to involve a third party in all of this

707: involve them with us

Finn: Ah, good point…

ZEN: Gah, that just makes everything so much worse.

Yoosung★: Would be so much easier to get help...

Jumin Han: Ahem.

707: I know, Jumin, I haven’t forgotten ;;

Jumin Han: Good.

707: Okay, now before anybody else says anything…

Finn: Right.

Finn: Um… I don’t really know where I am.

Finn: There are a few windows, but beyond them are just trees.

ZEN: In the woods?

Jumin Han: Somewhere remote?

Finn: I… don’t know.

707: have u been in contact with anyone?

Finn: Yes. Just one person.

Finn: Or two… it’s complicated.

Yoosung★: Are you trapped? Do they not let you out?

Finn: Currently, I haven’t been able to leave.

Finn: But I’m told that I will be able to in the future.

Jumin Han: What are these peoples’ names?

Jumin Han: Have they spoken of any affiliates?

ZEN: If this is connected to Rika, they must have mentioned her, right?

Finn: Well, while this is connected to her,

Finn: no one has spoken her name.

Finn: They’ve talked about someone called their ‘savior’.

ZEN: So, wait, do you really think it’s her…?

Yoosung★: No, that can’t be...

Yoosung★: Rika wouldn’t kidnap people, let alone hurt them!

Finn: I’m not sure if it’s her yet, Yoosung.

Jumin Han: Luciel, what do you think?

707: Uh, Yoosung, ur not going to like to hear this, but

707: it’s just too connected to not consider it plausible.

ZEN: We don’t really know if she’s doing anything bad yet, Yoosung.

Yoosung★: Yeah…

707: So, Finn, u don’t have to spare Yoosung’s feelings

Finn: Ah… ;; okay.

Finn: Yeah, I think it’s her, too.

Yoosung★: Do you think we can visit there?

Jumin Han: We know nothing of her intent or even her location.

Jumin Han: Slow down.

Yoosung★: Right, sorry…

ZEN: Hey, Seven. Didn’t Jumin offer his help?

707: He did.

Jumin Han: Assistant Kang already has the preparations underway.

Finn: Help with what? 

Jumin Han: Locating you.

Jumin Han: We have the assembly of an intelligence team in the making.

Finn: Oh.

ZEN: W-wha ;;

ZEN: It’s only been like 5 minutes

Finn: I don’t think that’s necessary right now. 

707: uh, what?

Jumin Han: Why not?

Finn: Well, like Seven said.

Finn: The fewer people we involve, the better.

Finn: Seven aren’t there a lot of things you haven’t tried yet?

707: Yeah, I guess.

707: But I don’t see why u want to postpone it…?

Yoosung★: No, I get it.

Yoosung★: We can find out more about what’s going on this way.

Finn: That’s what I was thinking.

Finn: I think we can all agree it’s Rika by now.

Finn: So if it is, I don’t think she’d harm me.

Jumin Han: Are you willing to take that risk?

707: Jumin’s right.

707: Aren’t their others there? It doesn’t have to be Rika to only hurt u

Finn: Please trust me on this?

ZEN: Come on, Finn…

Yoosung★: I’m not really sure about all of this, but… I’ll trust you.

Yoosung★: I’ll believe you can handle yourself.

Finn: Thank you.

707: I don’t know.

Finn: I’ll tell you the moment I get a bad feeling, okay?

Finn: I’ll keep my phone on me for as long as I can.

707: Fine.

Jumin Han: I won’t agree… but I will postpone the assembly.

Finn: Thanks ^^...

707: I know u must have a limited battery life, but

707: I need u to keep ur phone on, okay?

Finn: Alright.

707: Can u make calls with it?

Finn: No.

707: Hmmm, ok.

Finn: Ah, I know there are so many more questions you want to ask

Finn: and I feel the same way, but

Finn: I should go.

ZEN: Oh ;;

Yoosung★: Be safe… T_T

Jumin Han: Can you tell us why?

Finn: uh

707: It’s fine. Just go. Keep ur promise, okay? ><

Finn: ‘course

Jumin Han: Alright… goodbye. 

Finn: Bye, guys.

**R.F.A.**

This conversation will be archived in the RFA records,

I hereby agree to treat this conversation as confidential

I throw myself on the bed. Just stare up at the ceiling, head empty.

When the door swings open, I don’t so much as flinch. Heavy footsteps that only grew louder were a good indicator that something was coming.  Quickly, I stuff my phone into my pocket and slide off the bed. 

You never leave your stomach exposed to a predator. 

❤


	23. He Dresses like the Fucking Candy Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so
> 
> right now, the character who is basically suit saeran (aio¿klglfx?) has no name  
> don't ask me why i decided this, i just felt it was right  
> so until way later into the story, he's just going to be referred to as 'he'
> 
> i'll try to keep this from being confusing lol

Deep in a castle, one tucked far away from the world, was a man. 

He sat in a chair that may have been his throne, though it lacked any grandeur. Vulgar spotlights shone down on him, and the chill of the room cut right through his skin and gripped his bone. The walls around him were far from regal, yet, he laughed. Of course, not at his misfortune, but someone else’s. A worthless, little trinket forced to lie to his own friends. 

It was riveting to watch, and he almost wished he could be there to see the look on the poor prince’s face. Though, it might never be good as the one he gave him when he was against the wall. The tremor he felt under his hands, the wide, blue eyes staring back at him. At that moment, he remembered what it felt like to feel, to be. The roar of blood in his ears, the tautness of his muscles as he struggled, and the foreign breath mixing with his own. He wanted it again, and no amount of whining, no searing pain in his skull, was going to make him give in. 

Flower Boy could never compare to him, he was going to get himself stomped on. He should have been grateful he was looking out for him. 

He spun around in his chair, still watching the finally dwindling chat room on his phone. There was one thing he and Flower Boy had in common; they both couldn’t stand that redhead. 707, Luciel, whatever the hell he decided to call himself. They would do everything in their power to keep him from finding this place. Though, with each passing day, that was becoming increasingly difficult. 

Well, big deal, the redhead had talent, but so did he. 

He couldn’t keep a smile off his face as Finn left the chat room, leaving the other idiots to let their fears loose. The rich guy’s assistant showed up a bit later, then, after a lot of pointless scheming, they finally all went their separate ways. And the redhead presumably went back to work. Trying to find the prince’s location, he assumed. That was already covered for now, however. Flower Boy proved to be useful for once. 

He spun his chair once more, folding his arms behind his neck. His eyes scanned over all the monitors, opened documents on some of them, log monitors on the others, strands of unfinished code here and there. And, of course, the security feed. Seemingly unimportant enough to only take up one screen. He rolled up to it, switched through it before he found the display he was looking for. 

There he was, Finn, sprawled out on his bed, eyes to the ceiling. It was amusing to see him ask to stop the preparation of the intelligence team. There was a thin rope the boy was walking, and he couldn’t wait to see if he would make it across. Still, Finn seemed determined in the chat room, so he found it strange that he was doing nothing.  Well, it’s what he expected of him, anyway. What  _ could _ he do?

He hadn’t spoken to her yet, but the Savior surely had a use for Finn beyond being bait. Though, slowly, he found his skin being rubbed the wrong way by the sight behind that screen. Was his threat not clear enough? He told the boy that he had a job to do, and that he better not screw it up. 

His fingers tapped absently against his desk as he stared at the lifeless-looking form on the screen. This was agitating him too much, enough where he knew his fingers would trip if he tried to get back to work. He stood, an idea starting to form in his head as he left his room. 

It wasn’t fair for him to do _all_ the work.

So, down the hall he went, passing cloaked believers, all who lowered their heads and muttered that familiar phrase in his presence. They would get nothing in return from him, however. There was a tiny glow at the end of the tunnel, and everything else was mere darkness until he stepped out into the light. At least, until something tore that tunnel down.

He froze, then spun on his heel to face the assailant. ‘’What did you say?’’ he growled. 

They took a step back, far enough that he could no longer see under their hood. ‘’I-I said, ‘For eternal p-paradise', Mr. Ray.’’ 

Of course, no one knew. He hadn’t even changed out of that vile, purple suit yet. He spun back around, more zeal in his step, and violently tugged at the buttons on Flower Boy’s blazer. There was no consideration in the way he tore it off his shoulders, barged into that horribly pink room, and tossed it to the ground. Finn was already on his feet, a wary look on as he waited for him to speak.  He shut his eyes for a moment, sharply exhaling through his nose. Then his eyes snapped open, just the smallest glint of spite there, and a smirk played over his lips. Finn stiffened at his sudden rapid movements towards him and began to draw his arms in when he jammed a finger against the boy’s chest. 

‘’What do you want?’’ Finn’s voice did not waver, nor did his gaze, but he saw how his fingers shook. 

He leaned in. ‘’Your assistance.’’

❤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the editor i use keeps changing saeran's name to satan and i just 😐


	24. I'd Rather Be Alone than Be with You

He wears his hatred towards the world like a cruel, second skin. One he cannot take off, unlike the blazer he threw to the ground.

His head tilts, mouth positioned to my ear, and he leans in. ‘’Your assistance.’’ His breath, so warm for someone seemingly so cold, sends a horrible shiver down my spine. My fingertips tremble, and I know he’s noticed.

‘’With what?’’

He pulls himself away, enough where our gazes are now level. We stand at the same height, yet, under his glare, I feel small. ‘’Have you forgotten already?’’ he sneers, nose wrinkling in distaste. ‘’Your job. Your purpose. The whole reason you’re here.’’ He violently gestures to the room around him. ‘’Instead of somewhere I much rather have you.’’

‘’You mean… speaking to the RFA?’’

He gives a dramatic eye roll. ‘’Don’t be like that. You should be grateful.’’ He starts to back away, peeling Ray’s gloves off his hand. They fall to the floor, and he steps on them on his way to the door. ‘’Pretend like it’s just another one of your pathetic, ignorant days in that apartment.’’

Like I wasn’t already trying to do that. ‘’Alright…’’

When he opens the door, all the way, for the first time, I can see out. Something different than the gold and lace around me. After he puts an impatient hand on his hip, I manage to pry my feet from their spot and shuffle towards the door. There should be excitement in me, yet, all I can feel is dread sloshing around in my stomach. It grows heavy, and only a tap on the leg from his shoe can get me to move forward. The door to the room--now behind me--slams shut, and I jump.

‘’You’re not some damn prey animal, so stop acting like a wolf is about to jump out from the shadows. It’s annoying.’’ He strides ahead of me, and though I’m looking at his back, I’m sure he rolls his eyes.

At his nagging, I try to hold myself differently, but every time one of those cloaked figures pass, I find myself shrinking back down. I know I should be focusing on something else though, like the turns I’m taking, landmarks to find my way out. But everything is the same. Deep blue walls, etched with a faint ornate design. The same dark, wood floors, hall after hall. There are few overhead lights, the main source of light emanating from the countless sconces that litter the walls. It makes me wonder how he knows where he is going.

After a few more paces, he sees something I don’t and stops. He scoffs when I almost slam into him but says nothing as he pulls a door open. One like every other. Except, inside, it’s a whole different world. Everything oozes a neon blue that leaks from his monitors, ones holding an array of stuff I don’t understand. Against one of the desks is a chair, which he spins around and settles himself down into.

I know he’s watching me, and when I’m done inspecting the room, I settle my gaze on his. It’s blank, his face, and I don’t like it.

‘’Why can’t I do what I need to in my own room?’’ I ask.

His lips finally part for a contempt huff. ‘’I don’t have time to keep an eye on you on top of everything else I have to do.’’ He flicks his hand at me, shooing me away before he turns around in his chair. ‘’Besides, I’m sure you got just _so_ lonely. So go sit in that corner.’’ Without turning, he points to a small crook between the wall and where his desk doesn’t reach. Currently, a small trash bin resides there, but I move it out of the way before sliding down the wall.

 _I’d rather be alone than be with you_.

After I pull it out, my phone says that it’s around the afternoon. And the last day of November. I’ve never really been into the holidays, having no one to spend them with, still, there’s this ache in my chest. A string of rapid clicking starts and I glimpse at him, fingers moving wildly over his keyboard. If I weren’t here, would I be out bumbling around, worrying about whether I should get my friends a gift or not? I look back at my phone and open the messenger. If I ever want to do that, then I need to get to work.

_You have 1 new message(s)_

📧 707

  * Hey, Finn. Just checking in on u… 12:23 PM
  * Hope ur okay 12:23 PM
  * If u can, let’s talk here later, okay? 12:25 PM
  * Hi, Seven. 1:56 PM
  * I’m here when you are. 1:57 PM
  * Ah, hey ;; 1:59 PM
  * How are you? 1:59 PM
  * I’m doing okay. 1:59 PM
  * Good, good. 2:00 PM
  * … 2:00 PM
  * Is there something you want to ask me? 2:01 PM
  * Usually, we would just talk on the messenger… 2:01 PM
  * Actually, yeah 2:02 PM
  * I want to make sure that you're really okay 2:02 PM
  * with postponing the intelligence team’s assemblage 2:03 PM
  * You don’t owe anyone anything, you don’t have to stay there 2:04 PM
  * I know. 2:04 PM
  * Okay… just wanted to check 2:04 PM
  * Um… 2:04 PM
  * Hey, just focus on what you need to, okay? 2:05 PM
  * Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. 2:05 PM
  * I know, I know, I just have this weird feeling 2:05 PM
  * that you aren’t telling me everything… 2:06 PM
  * Why wouldn’t I? 2:06 PM



A sudden sound rips my attention away from the messenger. A laugh, or maybe more of a chuckle, either way, I know it’s directed towards me.

‘’I thought you had better things to do.’’ Without his face turned to me, I shoot a glare at the back of his head.

‘’Don’t flatter yourself,’’ he says. 

  * Idk 2:07 PM
  * Anyway, I’ll go now. 2:07 PM
  * Be careful, talk to u later 2:07 PM



I close out of the messenger, and the hand that holds my phone falls limp into my lap. My head slips against the wall, my eyes up at the bland ceiling before I shut them tight. A sigh stirs around in me, but I keep it contained.

Still, he speaks, anyway. ‘’Selfish, aren’t you?’’ The dim light that shines through my eyelids disappears. Instinctively, I clutch my phone to my chest and open my eyes. He looms over me, arm pressed against the wall. ‘’I’m surprised you haven’t told them yet.'' I say nothing, just offer a quirk of my brow. He tilts his head in response, attention flicking to my phone before returning to me. ‘’Something about you screamed ‘the selfless type’.’’ He shrugs. ‘’Guess I was wrong.’’

It takes everything in me not to snap back at him.

What would he know about me?

Yet a part of me can’t deny that he’s right. Even if no great harm will come to the others, six lives outweigh one.

‘’Well.’’ His blank face morphs into one I’d rather not look at. The one with that sadistic smirk. ‘’We’ll see how this plays out.’’ He takes his arm off the wall, and the light returns as he backs away. ‘’It’s a matter of how long you can hang in there, and something tells me you’re going to slip.’’ 

It’s nine at night when his clicking finally ceases.

He stands, looms over me, teal eyes finally devoid of anything but exhaustion. I’ve noticed the bags under his eyes, how he wobbles when he stands up. Now that he doesn’t wear a blazer, his sleeves slip, and I can see the gaunt edges of his arms.

I say nothing. I’m not supposed to care, and really, I don’t. So I’m ushered back down those indistinguishable halls, sconces making my shadow long. That familiar click of the lock signals another sleepless night under a plaster sky. For a while, I stand there, in front of the door, head empty. Then his taunting words come back to me. In defiance, in refusal to think about it, I tear my shirt off and storm to the bathroom. The room, so cheery and pink, has a bitter chill to it. Goosebumps crawl over my skin, and I plant myself in front of the mirror. The moment I lift my head, see the other of me in the glass pane, I shy away.

_What the hell am I doing?_

I’m evidence of my time here. Short, but still far too long. Without knowing what the people here are capable of, I could be subjecting my friends to something horrible.

_Of course, I owe people things._

I deserve nothing in return when all I’m doing is lying. When I already know the decision I’m going to make. I leave the bathroom, pulling my phone out as I go, and crawl into bed. The silky sheets are almost comforting, cool against my bare skin. My phone, though slowly dwindling in life, still burns my eyes with its glare before I lower its intensity. Do I tell them now, tonight? 

707: Oh, hey

Jaehee Kang: Hello, Finn. How are you doing?

707: I was about to message u

Finn: Hi. 

Finn: I’m fine, Jaehee. Good to see you ^^

Jaehee Kang: Yes, you too ^^;

Finn: Ah, Seven, was there something you needed?

707: Errr…

707: No

Jaehee Kang: Luciel, you could always have one of us check in on Finn.

Jaehee Kang: You are busy, after all.

707: Mmm, true ;;

707: But, Finn, u came to us this time

707: Shouldn’t I be asking u what u need?

Finn: Haha, I guess

Finn: I was thinking a bit.

Jaehee Kang: May we ask about what?

Finn: Yeah

Finn: I was just wondering

_Yoosung★ has entered the chat room_

Finn: Um… I was wondering about V

Finn: I forgot to ask about what happened at the apartment

Yoosung★: Oh!

Jaehee Kang: Well, I believe only Yoosung went there.

707: Good timing lol

Yoosung★: Yeah

Finn: Hey, Yoosung.

Yoosung★: Hey, how’s everything going?

Finn: Fine.

Yoosung★: Hmm, okay ;;

707: cof the apartment cof

707: U sent me nothing, either

Yoosung★: Right. That’s because, wellll…

Jaehee Kang: Were our fears about V correct?

Finn: Did the password work?

Yoosung★: No. And yes. 

Yoosung★: It’s just I couldn’t really make any sense of it…

Finn: Oh.

707: Isn’t it just documents tho

Yoosung★: That’s not what I mean -_- I can read

Yoosung★: But without context, it’s weird.

Jaehee Kang: Was there anything on her ‘Paradise’?

Finn: There should be.

Yoosung★: Actually, yeah.

Yoosung★: Blueprints. Of some weird castle-looking thing.

Finn: Oh, I saw that, too.

707: Really? ;;

707: Were they dated?

Yoosung★: No T_T

Yoosung★: Oh, but, I did find something I understood ;;

Yoosung★: It looked like she was interested in past party guests?

Jaehee Kang: In what type of way?

Yoosung★: Idk, it looked like regular info for the party at first

Yoosung★: but when it looked at it, it seemed really invasive…

Yoosung★: Like their home life, schedules and whatever

707: Yikes

Jaehee Kang: That’s… disturbing.

Finn: Have you guys ever had missing party guests?

Finn: Or heard anything about them going missing?

Jaehee Kang: Besides the few absent guests at the most recent party, no.

Jaehee Kang: It’s hard to think Rika would do this.

Jaehee Kang: That she was in such a mind state that she would stalk others. ;;

Jaehee Kang: It’s… honestly a little hard to swallow. She was always very bright.

707: Yeah, I’ve been trying not to think about it ;;

Yoosung★: So that’s all I really saw

707: Okay, thanks Yoosung.

707: I think I might want to head back there when I get the chance.

Jaehee Kang: Finn, did you happen to see anything?

Jaehee Kang: I can’t recall if you mentioned anything besides her letters.

Finn: Mmm… I was trying not to touch anything, but

Finn: uh, yeah.

Finn: I don’t know if it’s really concerning,

Finn: but she had a picture of you, Seven. In her safe.

Yoosung★: Pfff, what? 

Jaehee Kang: Oh.

Finn: You’ve never told us how you met her, but I guess I just assumed

Finn: you two were close.

707: Huh…

707: that’s kinda weird lol

707: She probably was just looking for a place to put it.

707: Didn’t want to see my face T_T

Jaehee Kang: But her personal safe…?

707: It’s not a big deal.

Yoosung★: lolol what’d he look like?

Finn: He was a kid.

Finn: Cute ^^ round little face, tomato hair

707: Come on…

Finn: He wasn’t wearing glasses, either.

Jaehee Kang: Seems you are at fault for ruining your own vision.

Yoosung★: Guess that’s to be expected of a computer geek lol

707: Yeah, laugh at the blind guy, so funny

707: I’m just gonna go

707: Yoosung, I’m gonna message u later so keep an eye out

Finn: Seven ;;

Yoosung★: Oh, okay.. 

707: K, bye

Yoosung★: Aw, come on, wait

_707 has left the chat room_

Finn: …

Finn: Guess that’s a sensitive subject?

Jaehee Kang: I suppose.

Yoosung★: Hmm ;;

Yoosung★: Seveeeen, I’m sorry T_T

Yoosung★: You look good in glasses ;;

Jaehee Kang: Maybe it’s good for him to have a taste of his own medicine.

Finn: Maybe not while he’s so stressed.

Jaehee Kang: Mmm, yes. Anyhow, I’ll be leaving now.

Jaehee Kang: Have a good night, and Finn, keep us updated.

Finn: Course, course, night, Jaehee.

Yoosung★: Bye, Jaehee.

_Jaehee Kang has left the chat room_

Yoosung★: You gonna leave too?

Finn: Yeah, sorry.

Yoosung★: No, it’s fine. Get some rest ;;

Yoosung★: I’m sure you’re tired…

Finn: Mmm, thanks, Yoosung.

Finn: Talk to you soon.

Yoosung★: Yup, night.

**R.F.A**

This conversation will be archived in the RFA records,

I hereby agree to treat this conversation as confidential

My eyes burn. ‘’Tomorrow,’’ I whisper to myself. A promise. Tomorrow, I won’t let it break. 

❤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 👀 
> 
> i have too much fun writing Finn and Black Suit Boy™ together even though they dislike each other for a long time lol


	25. Does She Have a Party Supplies Dungeon?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Violence

‘’Understood?’’

‘’Yes, my Savior.’’ He met her gaze, unaltered by the intensity of it. He’d seen it many times, and deep down, he’d always had a sort of fascination with it. She could change her face so well. Anger, sadness, glee. Basic emotions you’d always pick up on, but you’d never be able to tell if she lied to you.

Today, the first time since he awoke, she called him to her. She was understandably surprised to not be speaking with Ray, but wholeheartedly embraced him, and soon told him her troubles. Though she seemed to be skilled in deception, she wasn’t confident in her skills to detect a face like hers. She was paranoid. Paranoid that someone was plotting against her, rallying her Believers.

She told him, ‘’There have been whispers of a revolt. Of misery in this happy place.’’

He wondered what he could do for her. The people here didn’t look to him like they did her.

She wanted him to continue his work, on getting those RFA members to their paradise. The addition of such important people might settle the murmurs. But she was not done there. She spoke of a gathering, one to rekindle the joy. A mass cleansing, hidden under masks.

A party, a ball.

‘’And who better to plan this important day,’’ she said, ’’than our very own party planner?’’

Maybe in the beginning he was surprised by how her mind worked, twisted, so unfitting for her. Surely, such a pretty face wouldn’t have something much uglier behind it. But now he just nods.

That green gaze of her softened. ‘’How are you? It's been quite some time since your last taste of the elixir.’’

He hoped she didn’t notice the way he stiffened. She wouldn’t know that vile stuff made it hard for him to focus, that eventually after drinking it, he’d retreat back into that dark place.

‘’I’ve been feeling well, my Savior.’’

She hummed, stared him down. ‘’Truly?’’ she asked.

‘’Truly,’’ he said. 

❤

The days were quiet. The ones after what I did on the messenger--or didn’t do. Too silent, almost.

Of course, it wasn’t a punishment, but it felt like it.

He didn’t visit, footsteps outside became a rare occurrence, and Seven didn’t message me. I got no sleep, and when I did, I would dream of the shadows under the cloaked figures robes swallowing me whole. My exhaustion kept me from eating. Even now, as I’m sitting with my back against the windows, staring at the table, my breakfast stays untouched. I almost feel bad for whoever cooks. But hunger is familiar to me, as is being tired. Though, it was a different kind. One where nothing felt real enough to get up.

I let my head slip back. ‘’Stay optimistic,’’ I mumble to myself. 

_Then you should probably eat some fucking food_.

Somehow, I stand up and drag myself away from the window. The table isn’t my destination, but the dresser. I’m still wearing my clothes from yesterday. I pull out the first thing I see; some dull yellow hoodie and a pair of sweatpants. With hell to the camera, I strip and pull them on, tossing my old clothes into that ever-growing pile in the corner.

It’s weird doing the same thing over and over. It makes me realize that my life before this was basically the same thing, with just a few extra details in between.

In an effort not to get all existential, I sit at the table and poke at my food. Some cold eggs with bread and fruit. Easily, I get down the fruit and pick at the bread until it’s nothing. The eggs stay, though, getting soggier as I leave the table and enter the bathroom. While turning the faucet, I try to avoid the mirror. My lip is better, as is my cheek. My arm has also improved. There’s nothing I should be repulsed by, but what I know I’ll see already leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

I lean over and down some water, hair getting grabbed by the stream in the process. The rushing of it almost drowns out the knock I hear at the door. Choking, I turn the faucet once again and stumble out of the bathroom. My food has already come, and there’s only one person who would knock. Like a dog, I shake out my hair before opening the door, hesitant. Instead of the sight of magenta, I’m greeted by two women. Their hands are full of various colorful items.

‘’Umm…’’

‘’The Savior has asked for your assistance regarding the upcoming ball.’’

Unsurprisingly, I’m out of the loop. ‘’Oh. Of course…’’ I peel the door open wider for them, and they step in.

One of them, the shortest, explains, ‘’She would like you to go through these many options. It is completely up to you, so please take your time.’’

As they set their color pallets, streamers, and fabrics down, my breakfast churns in my stomach.

Of course, she would.

Meekly, I tell them I understand. They’re out the door in a second, leaving me with a mess of colors, and a heart to calm down.

I thought that maybe I wouldn’t face much worse, but clearly, I’m wrong. It’s nothing violent, of course. It’s just a bunch of party supplies. Yet, the meaning behind it is what makes my pulse pound. A warning, some sort of message to keep me on my toes? Or just a sadistic way to poke at me?

Either way, I’d rather get it over with.

I crouch down and sift through a small box of color choices. There are eyes on me, but I doubt the ones behind the camera will care about how much thought I put into choosing between a peach or purple color scheme. I reach to the bottom of the box and pull out a card, smacking it to the floor without even looking at it.

The next box I move onto holds lighting choices. As I’m going through them, I begin to hear all too familiar slaps of footsteps in the hall. When he enters the room, I don’t even give him a glance. Of course, he wouldn’t want to miss this.

‘’Aw, no greeting?’’ The door shuts, and I see his boots grow closer in the corner of my vision. It’s a struggle to pretend I’m interested in what’s in front of me. ‘’Is the poor prince in a bad mood? Should I come back later?’’

‘’That’d be great,’’ I mutter, finally taking a glimpse up at him. Instead of the white undershirt and khakis he wore the last time I saw him, he’s clad in a dark suit. Something almost elegant. It hides a lot, and he smirks when my eyes linger for too long.

‘’Like the new look, huh?’’ Again, I try to ignore him, returning my attention to the box, but he doesn't like to make things easy. He crouches down beside me, pulls a box towards him. ‘’So many decisions,’’ he mocks. ‘’How _will_ you choose?’’ A trail of streamers follows him as he stands, and I look up to see him draping them around his shoulders. ‘’Twisty or straight?’’

I stand, and he begins to wrap them around me, that smirk on his face the whole time. Around and around, I try to keep my patience from becoming thin. It’s what he wants, I know, to get me to snap. The limited amount of length he has ends, and he pulls, snapping me forward. The pressure on my throat is inescapable, but I don’t dare give him a reaction.

‘’Don’t be so cold, I just want to play,’’ he purrs. His breath, too close, mingling with my own, smells like mint. I hate myself for noticing it. He releases me and backs away, and I tear at the paper around my neck.

‘’Go find someone your own age.’’

He laughs, deep, from his chest, but I know it isn’t because he finds me funny. ‘’See?’’ He takes a step, nearing me again. ‘’I know it’s in you.’’

Fully untangled, I let the streamers fall to the floor, and turn my back to him. I dig through another box, but barely register what’s inside. I’m too aware of him, too aware of each sound his shifting shoes make. ‘’What do you even want from me?’’

‘’I’m bored, I want you to entertain me. You’re in this dollhouse, aren’t you?’’ Right behind me, he blocks the light.

‘’Well, I'm sorry your mommy isn't here to entertain you, but I’m busy, something you’re clearly not.’’

Every day, against what I know is good for me, I seem to grow bolder. The opposite of what I thought would happen. Because I guess, I expect it. I expected his boot to me, my nose against the floor. His legs press against my hips, and his hands slam down above my shoulders.

‘’Don’t be a brat,’’ he snarls. ‘’You’re lucky I even decided to visit you.'' Tilting his head, he huffs. ''What did I even expect?’’ He takes a fistful of my hair and yanks my head back. I set my jaw, grit my teeth to keep from crying out. ‘’God, look at you. Fucking ugly. Why don’t you go ahead and cry, wouldn’t make you look any worse.’’

My vision is blurry--I’m sure he sees the glass over my eyes--but there’s something terrible burning in me, and I refuse to let him have his way.

‘’I’m pathetic?’’ I snap. ‘’Look in a fucking mirror, even I can see through you. You’re weak, that’s why you throw me down, to make yourself feel better. You aren’t bored, you’re scared.’’ He doesn’t blink, doesn’t speak, but his whole body trembles. ‘’You think I haven’t seen it before, the shit people like you do? Guess what, you asshole? You’re no better than me.’’ I’m panting by the time I finish, my whole body shaking to match his. I must have some mad smile on my face, I can feel it, and no inch of me’s afraid of what might happen next.

His hand, the one in my hair, leaves my head and finds its way to my throat.

Right in my face, so close I can see his pupils flutter, he hisses, ‘’Don’t talk like you know me. Don’t _ever fucking talk_ like you know me.’’ The pressure on my throat makes me gasp out, but I don’t fight him. Can’t fight him. ‘’I am not weak. I never have been. You say I’m scared? Little Prince, I don’t think I’m the one you should be worrying about. You’re just like that flower boy, naive, worthless. You’ll get yourself crushed, trampled on by everyone around you.’’ The pressure loosens, and I swallow, suck in a greedy breath. ‘’I’m surprised you haven’t yet.’’ Then his hand leaves, and he stands, shoes at my waist.

He just looks down at me, and my pointless gripping at my throat, my desperate attempts to breathe normally. His face is empty, void of anything that was there moments ago. I’ve seen it before, and it’s more than just unpleasant. I pull my legs to myself and crawl out from under him. His eyes meet mine, and for a second I think I see something there, something I’ve seen on someone else. But, before I can place it, his lip rises in a snarl, and he scoffs.

‘’You better watch your mouth next time.’’

Then he’s just gone, and the tears finally come. All over the floor, salty droplets while I struggle to swallow. I lie there, for who-knows-how-long, terrified that if I start moving, I might not be able to breathe. A part of me doesn’t even want to move, can’t move. So I don’t. I stay there, on my bed of streamers and confetti, until everything fades away. 

When I wake, no more light streams through the windows, and the moon is hiding behind the trees. My throat aches like I was screaming in my sleep, yet it was dreamless.

I sit up, streamers rustling around me, and stare at the door.

He came, he left. It couldn’t have been more than a few minutes, yet the marks I know are on my skin will stay forever, even when they fade.

Unsteady, I grip the table as I stand. They’re all over the place, the decorations. I still have a party to plan, after all. But I’m not feeling too festive. A sudden wave of rage crashes into me, and I kick a box. It goes flying, hits the wall, and topples over. Tears prick my eyes, and I fiercely rub at them with my sleeve.

I need to get this over with.

The moon rises higher and higher, all the while I sort through boxes. Picking this and that, drawing out random items, setting them all on the table. The woman told me to take my time, but time is one of the things I don’t have. They’ll just have to have their party early, and something tells me she expects this. When I’ve made my choices, I abandon the mess on the floor and flick off the lights. I crawl into bed and stare up at the ceiling as my eyes adjust to the lack of light.

Despite the darkness signaling that I don’t want to be disturbed, I should have expected some monster to come crawling out of the shadows. They prowl at night, don’t they? The knock is ominous, I almost don’t get up to answer it, but then it sounds again.

I slide out of bed and pad to the door, opening it to reveal another person clad in robes.

‘’The Savior requests your presence.’’ 

❤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that was  
> well  
> that definitely escalated rather fast  
> and yes, yes, it's pretty melodramatic. but what can i say? i'm a sucker for that kind of stuff.
> 
> i've been thinking about combining chapters to reduce the amount there will be in the end, so you might start seeing longer chapters


	26. Hoping She'll Choke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like this chapter is where the mint eye madness really begins. it's also the longest one yet (probably?¿??).
> 
> i've edited it way too many times, and i'm still not sure i like it,  
> but  
> i hope you enjoy. (- -;

A gnawing feeling is in the pit of my stomach.

Like something is tearing its claws along the lining. It does not go away, does not cease. Deeper and deeper it digs the further I walk through those blue and brown halls.

I want to be wrong, so horribly wrong.

Wrong about who I think I’m being led to, like an animal to slaughter. I tell myself, as I step down yet another staircase, that it won’t be bad to be right. But the bile burning my throat does not agree. I tried asking why she--the Savior--wants to see me, but they simply shook their head and told me they aren’t in the position to know such a thing. It doesn’t matter, then, as everything in this place is bound to be horrid.

‘’Here we are.’’

They stop in front of a large French door, and I catch myself from stepping on the trail of their robe. As they knock against the foreboding, dark wood, I try to adopt their unbothered demeanor. The last thing I’d want anyone to see is how unsettled I am. So, I brush off my urge to flinch as the doors swing open with a horrible wail. Another figure steps out, nodding at the one who led me here. Then they turn to me and motion me in.

I walk past those doors and step into a whole other world. Or another part of the world I’ve been forced into.

Dark, checkered walls, gold trimmings. An arrogant red carpet under my feet, leading to a throne.

Her throne.

She sits there, almost swallowed by draping curtains. Atop two golden posts sit two eyes; they accompany her in glaring down at me. All of this and my pulse is deafening, eyes struggling to focus on hers. She dismisses the person beside me, and they leave me alone with her. This predator, watching me with bright green eyes. If the lights were to go off, I wonder if I could still see them pointed at me.

The slam of the closing doors prompts her to finally speak. ‘’Finn, welcome to Paradise, welcome to Magenta.’’ She gives me a smile like the one I’ve seen in all her photos. It no longer makes me want to smile back. ‘’I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to speak with you. I assure you I’ve been anticipating this as much as I’m sure you have.’’ She rises from her plush chair, and I wish my tongue didn’t feel so dry. ‘’What’s wrong?’’ She’s slow to descend her few steps, one dainty foot at a time, robe trailing behind her. Each muffled clack of her heel against the carpet brings me closer and closer to looking away. But when she finally stops in front of me, my gaze only goes down to meet hers. ‘’Are you not feeling well? I know it’s late, but I hoped to talk to you.’’

‘’I’m fine.’’

‘’Wonderful. Would you have a drink with me, then?’’ I follow her motioning hand to a small table in the corner of the room. ‘’It’s only some tea and cakes.’’

Knowing _‘no’_ is not an option, I nod and start for the table. Steam rises from the delicate teacups, and I realize that this was very much prepared. She sits and makes me wait as she takes a sip of her beverage. ‘’Mmm, it’s very good. Have a taste.’’

‘’I thought I was asked here to talk, not to have tea.’’ The words come out colder than they were sitting on my tongue.

She hums. ‘’I don’t think I ever specified why you are here, I simply said I’d like to speak with you,’’ is what she says in return. ‘’But I understand your impatience.’’ When she smiles at me, I bring my attention down to my teacup. My reflection is a murky yellow. ‘’Well, I suppose I should get to it.’’ I look back to her as she picks up a cake, one decorated with little, yellow flowers. She twists it around in her fingers, inspecting it. ‘’I’d like to ask you for a favor.’’ The flowers crumple when she takes a bite, and I see them slide down her throat.

‘'A favor?’’

‘’Well.’’ She rolls her wrist and looks up as if she’s thinking it through. ‘’It’s just a little something.’’ The last bit of cake in her fingers disappears past her lips, and her eyes come back down to mine. ‘’I’d like you to talk to the RFA.’’

My nails scratch against my sweatpants, make a sharp sound. ‘’I already am.’’

‘’Now, you didn’t give me time to finish. I’d like you to talk to the RFA,’’ she says. ‘’For me.’’

In my shoes, my toes curl. ‘’About… what?’’

She leans in, elbow on the table. Some of her hair slips forward, and she brushes it back with a well-manicured hand. ‘’I’d like you to convince them of something,’’ she tells me, her nails tapping against her cheek. ‘’I assume you already know what I desire. I will admit I am an impatient person, and my attempts to get what I want have all proved fruitless. Instead of waiting around for them to finally find me, I want you to tell them where you are.’’

‘’What...?’’

‘’I want you to convince them that you are happy here. That you would rather stay than return to them, maybe it will persuade them. In exchange, I will allow you the freedom to all of Magenta. You may roam as you please, though under supervision.’’ Her words are like gasoline to the little spark that was dwindling inside me. My knee hits the table as I stand, clattering plates and knocking over tea. She hisses as hers spills onto her shoes.

Ignoring the tightening in my throat, I snap, ‘’If you think I will ever do that for you, then you are much more of a fool than I took you for.’’

Though I just spat at her, spilled tea on her, she only lets out a disappointed sigh. ‘’I was afraid you would say that.’’ She brushes unseen littler from her robes, then stalks around the table to face me. ‘’Will you please consider it? Having them come willingly, without a fight, it would be much better for everyone. No violence or disruption. No one will get hurt. But…’’ She circles around me until she presses a sharp fingernail to my chest. ‘’If you refuse, I’m afraid I can’t assure anyone’s safety.’’ She stands on her toes now, just to press her mouth close to my ear and whisper, ‘’Especially yours.’’

It reminds me too much of _him_ , and my stomach tightens in protest as I refuse to yield. I can’t listen to that deafening instinctual voice in me, telling me to run, to make the safest choice. I just can't, can't let her have what she wants.

I’m the one leaning down now, the one to bare my teeth. Voice hoarse, my growl comes out scratchy and deep, ‘’Then do your worst.’’

She doesn’t blink, doesn’t let a single emotion shatter her facade. ‘’You’ve made a grave mistake,’’ she says, tone dangerous, ‘’underestimating me.’’ Then her smile grows. ‘’Or is it that you are trying to play the hero? That’s fine, too.’’ Abrupt, she spins on her heel, hair hitting me, and returns to her seat. ‘’I know you don’t think highly of me, you paint me as the villain, but I’ll have you know I am not so cruel. The last thing I want to do is harm you.’’ She says nothing, and neither do I. Her eyes wander the room as if she’s in thought. ‘’Well, we’re at an impasse. How about I suggest something different, to make both of us happy?’’ She takes a sip of her tea, peers at me from behind the rim. Even liquid can’t wash away her painfully fake smile. ‘’I’ll take your silence as a yes. Then, how about you tell them that you are happy here, convince them that you no longer want them to come for you. Tell them to stay away. If you succeed, I will still grant you what I promised. I’ll even leave them alone,’’ she says. ‘’That’s all you have to do for me.’’

A deal with the devil is never a fair one, never as good as promised. Full of holes.

‘’You know as well as I do that won’t stop them.’’

She crosses a leg over her knee, twirls a lock of blonde around her finger. ‘’I suppose you’re right.’’ And for the first time since I stepped into this room, her smile falls. ‘’Then you better hope you’re persuasive.’’

‘’How do I know you aren’t lying to me, that you won’t continue to bother them?’’

She stands once again, her smile also returning. ‘’You don’t.’’ Her hair flips over her shoulder as she shoots me a backward glance, walking to her throne. Stiff, I follow her, and stand before her stairs, arms crossed. She holds out her robes and lowers herself into her seat. ‘’What’s your decision?’’

Not for a second will I place any faith in her. The moment I turn my back, I know she’ll find some loophole to slip through and throw me awry.

‘’I have my own propositions,’’ I tell her. When she doesn’t protest, I go on, ‘’Along with being able to roam whenever I like, night or day, wherever I’d like, I want weekly proof that you are keeping your promise. That you are not bothering the RFA.’’

‘’You’re asking for quite a lot with very little in return.’’

‘’I thought I was worth a lot to you.’’

‘’Alone, you aren’t.’’

‘’Then offer something else.’’ She frowns but does not speak. ‘’I have one final proposal. You are to accompany me in the messenger as I convince them all I no longer want to be involved with them.’’

Her retort is almost immediate. ‘’No.’’

‘’They’re still shocked,’’ I say. ‘’Yoosung is hardly convinced. They need some consolation, some closure. They can’t just be left like this; they are still going to search for answers. Not about me, but about you.’’

She sighs and leans back, brings a hand to her cheek. ‘’You’re stubborn.’’

‘’I thought this is what you wanted, for me to cooperate. For you to get what you want. I’m trying to help you achieve that.’’

‘’Yes, that’s what you say. But just as you are worried about me sneaking behind your back, as am I about you.’’

‘’I’ve lied enough, and I hardly think I’m in the position to do it again.’’

She studies me, unblinking, seemingly trying to look through me. Trying to detect a lie. Of course, she doesn’t find one. She’s not the only one who can keep a face.

Finally, she concedes. ‘’Fine.’’ She rises from her chair, mask falling, and stares down at me. ‘’I will agree, but on one condition. As I am not convinced you will truly be happy here, that your promise will withstand, I require you to be assimilated into Mint Eye.’’

‘’And you believe that will solve all your problems?’’

‘’Yes.’’

How sure she looks when she says that and how quickly--it makes me hesitate. ‘’What exactly does that entail?’’ I ask.

‘’A symbolic ceremony,’’ she explains. ‘’A cleansing, and then you will receive a rank as I see fit. You are to practice our religion, follow our rules. No different than what I previously offered.’’

Something in me really doesn’t like her explanation, but I push that worry away and nod my head. No different, _sure_.

‘’Wonderful.’’ She extends her arm, and a memory resurfaces. Ray, offering his hand to me, to care for my wounds. It was a harmless gesture, but he drew me into something much deeper. Though I hardly have a grasp on what I feel towards anyone here, a reckless part of me longs to see him again.

But now, as I put my hand in Rika’s, I can't help but I think I’m going to get much closer to things than I ever wanted to be.

❤

I’m not ready, though I’ll probably never be.

After I left Rika last night, I didn't bother trying to sleep. Everything in my head was flipping back and forth. Yes or no. Yes or no. No was the obvious answer, no to all of this. No to everything that happened.

Oh, how much I wished I could turn back time last night.

However, I guessed that _'no'_ isn't an option long before, and certainly, it isn't now. This led me to get up at the promised time, to get clean, get dressed, and eat. Not a minute too soon, or a minute late, someone--a cloaked figure, who I now know are called Believers--was at my door, ready to take me to my tea party. Rika was even dressed for the occasion, no longer clad in her robes, but a flowery, long-sleeved dress. She insisted we not meet in her throne room, so she sits at a table on a balcony, one outside what must be her room. Said room was plain and white, lacy curtains, and few personal touches.

If I had known we would be outside, I would’ve layered.

‘’Hello, Finn,’’ she greets me, a smile on her face. Unable to share her enthusiasm, I simply nod and take a seat. After an uneasy glance around, I realize I haven’t seen outside of the building more than this. ‘’Nice, isn’t it? I enjoy the view. My decision to settle down here wasn’t only for privacy,’’ she says, and I try to care.

I didn’t think about it much last night, but if what she hopes will happen happens, then our little chats are going to become more frequent. ‘’Mmm.’’ I hold my hands over my cup of tea, letting the steam warm my skin.

‘’You can look me in the eye, I’m not going to bite.’’ Instead of saying what I want, I let out a sigh, causing my tea to quake in its cup. Mirroring my earlier thoughts, she says, ‘’We’ll be seeing each other more often now, remember?’’

‘’Right, well, what’s your _favorite color_ , Rika?’’

‘’Don’t be difficult,’’ she warns. ‘’And you are to address me as your savior.’’

‘’I’m not a believer yet,’’ I point out, crossing my arms and glancing at the woods. ‘’And I don’t think that word captures what I think of you.’’

‘’If you want to be snippy with me, go ahead. Don’t hold back,’’ she says. ‘’But I expect you to cooperate.’’ From the corner of my eye, I see her sip her tea, then pull out her phone.

Slim, sleek, and white. I’m surprised she even has one.

Apparently, _he_ set this all up, reviving her access to her account without detection. All overnight. For some reason, I’m surprised he isn’t here, but the occasional ache of my throat reminds me I should be glad.

‘’Well, are you ready?’’ She waves her phone near my face, and I turn my attention back to her. Without a good reply to her question, I just draw my phone from my pocket and take in a stuttering breath.

_You have 4 new message(s)_

Rika lets out a sigh, sounding dreamy, almost. ‘’It’s been so long.’’

Jumin Han: Hello, Finn. It’s been some time.

Finn: Hi, Jumin.

Finn: Mmm, it has.

Jumin Han: How have you been?

Jaehee Kang has entered the chat room

Finn: I’ve been fine.

Finn: Ah, hi, Jaehee.

Jumin Han: Welcome, assistant Kang.

Jaehee Kang: Hello.

Jumin Han: Finn.

Finn: Yes?

Jumin Han: I know you were set in your decision not to receive help,

Jumin Han: but I’d like to ask again.

Jumin Han: Will you reconsider?

Finn: Actually…

Finn: There’s something I need to tell you all.

Jaehee Kang: Something tells me this isn’t good news…

Jumin Han: What’s that?

Jumin Han: Is everything all right?

Finn: Not… really.

Finn: Could one of you get the others?

Finn: I know it’s sorta early, but this is important.

Jaehee Kang: I will.

Finn: Thanks.

_Jaehee Kang has left the chat room_

Jumin Han: I know you have been reassuring us that everything is fine,

Jumin Han: but are you being sincere?

Jumin Han: Is there anything you can tell me?

Rika’s hand is suddenly on mine, and I flinch. I look up to see her intense gaze settled on me.

_‘’Convince them.''_

Finn: I am being sincere, Jumin.

Finn: I know you all are nervous, but I assure you,

Finn: I’m fine.

_ZEN has entered the chat room_

Jumin Han: I apologize… I’m not undermining your judgment.

ZEN: Yikes.. What’s going on here? ;;

ZEN: Jaehee said there’s bad news…

Finn: Jaehee’s being a bit dramatic.

ZEN: Oh…um, well things have been tense.

ZEN: I can understand if she assumes the worst ;;

_Yoosung★ has entered the chat room_

ZEN: Hey, Yoosung.

Yoosung★: Hey.

Yoosung★: Is everything okay…? ;;

Jumin Han: …

ZEN: I guess?

Yoosung★: Finn?

Finn: Yeah.

_Jaehee Kang has entered the chat room_

Jaehee Kang: Well, I couldn’t get a hold of Luciel.

Jaehee Kang: He’s put his calls to direct straight to voicemail.

Jaehee Kang: And after three times of listening to it, I gave up.

Jumin Han: Perhaps he’ll show up later.

Yoosung★: Is he still mad? T_T

Jaehee Kang: I thought the same.

Jumin Han: Luciel isn’t that petty.

ZEN: Yeah, he’s probably just busy.

Yoosung★: Finn, you still there?

Finn: Mhm.

Yoosung★: Oh, good.

Jumin Han: Would you like to go ahead and begin discussing your… news?

ZEN: I guess Seven could always catch up.

Finn: Sure.

Finn: Well, since I’ve been here

Finn: at this place,

Finn: I’ve realized it isn’t that bad.

ZEN: Oh.

Yoosung★: Really?

ZEN: Wow, so… Yoosung was right?

Yoosung★: I told you!

Jumin Han: What are you saying, Finn?

Jaehee Kang: Should we stop worrying about you…?

Finn: That would be a start.

Finn: I’ve been telling you all I’m fine.

ZEN: Yeah, but things change. 

ZEN: We just want to make sure you’re okay, no matter the day ;;

Finn: Well, I’m telling you you can stop now.

Yoosung★: Alright… ;;

Jumin Han: I understand things must be hard for you

Finn: I told you, they aren’t.

Jumin Han: ...but you surely understand our concern.

_707 has entered the chat room_

707: yo, what's going on

707: why'd jaehee try to call like 100 times?

Jaehee Kang: Luciel, please.

Finn: We’re here to discuss something.

Jumin Han: Finn is being unreasonable.

Yoosung★: Where have you been, Seven?

707: busy

707: anyway, what exactly is happening?

ZEN: Finn said he doesn’t think the place where he is is that bad

707: Really?

707: …

Jumin Han: I believe he has more to say, however…

Finn: I do.

Finn: While here, I’ve had some time to think.

Finn: Some time to reconsider my life.

Finn: And I think that…

Finn: I guess it would be better if I weren’t

Finn: in the RFA.

Yoosung★: WHat? ;;

ZEN: What? Why? What’s going on…

Jumin Han: You’re not being serious, are you?

Jaehee Kang: Oh…

Yoosung★: Is that… really what you want?

Yoosung★: Just to give it up like that?

Jaehee Kang: Are these really your thoughts?

Jumin Han: Until you’ve provided a reason, I’m going to take everything you said

Jumin Han: with a grain of salt.

ZEN: Finn, what’s with the sudden decision? 

Finn: It’s not sudden. 

Finn: For a while, I’ve been thinking about how much trouble

Finn: I have caused you all.

Jumin Han: What trouble, exactly?

ZEN: Where the hell did Seven go?

ZEN: Something tells me he needs to work even faster now ;;

Finn: Why won’t you believe me that this is my decision?

Yoosung★: Because it’s not like you, Finn…

Finn: Fine, maybe I had some convincing, but

Finn: ultimately, this is my choice.

Finn: I’m doing it for you all.

Jumin Han: Bullshit.

Jaehee Kang: This all feels so ludicrous. 

ZEN: It does… 

Jumin Han: You were kidnapped, Finn.

Yoosung★: Rika’s there, right?

Yoosung★: If it’s not such a bad place, can we visit?

Yoosung★: Can we speak to her?

Jumin Han: And don’t think we are so foolish as to believe you

Jumin Han: when you say nothing is wrong.

707: incoming…

Finn: Listen, either way,

Finn: I just can’t come back.

Finn: I don’t want

Finn: to come back.

ZEN: I think I’m going to agree with Jumin for once.

ZEN: I’m calling bullshit on this.

ZEN: If you want us to really believe you, give us some proof.

_Rika has entered the chat room_

ZEN: uhhh

Jumin Han: …?

Yoosung★: Rika?

707: Well, seems this is gonna be more than a ‘discussion’...

ZEN: Woah woah… Seven… that isn’t you? ;;

Jaehee Kang: I’m surprised… should I welcome you…?

Rika: Thank you, Jaehee. Always so kind.

Finn: Um…

Her hand, still on mine, presses mine into the table. ‘’Don’t.’’

‘’I had it.’’

‘’No, you didn’t. And I know you agree with me, so don’t lie. This is what you wanted, no?’’

ZEN: God… what the hell is going on...

Yoosung★: Oh my gosh! Wow

Yoosung★: I can’t even think right now

Yoosung★: you really are alive…

Rika: Hello, Yoosung. Yes, contrary to what V has told you, I am well. ^^

Rika: I miss you.

Jumin Han: Wonderful. I wasn’t expecting a reunion today.

Rika: Oh, Jumin. It’s been so long.

Jumin Han: Yes, it has.

Rika: Then why so cold? 

Jaehee Kang: I think you understand why, Rika.

Yoosung★: Guys, seriously.

Rika: Mmm, you’re playing follow the leader, I see.

ZEN: Hey, let’s calm down.

ZEN: Rika, I’m happy to see you.

ZEN: But, maybe, do you think you can do some explaining…? ^^;

Yoosung★: She just got here. Why aren’t any of you happy?

Yoosung★: Isn’t this what we wanted to find out?

Rika: Thank you, Yoosung. You seem to be the only one not accusing me.

Jumin Han: I never accused you.

Rika: You were being hostile without any evidence that warrants it.

707: Should I close off her access?

ZEN: Finally, thought you left or something…

Yoosung★: Seven, are you serious?

Rika: Luciel, I would think twice.

Rika: I’m sure there are things you dearly want to know.

707: ...I’m not going to risk the RFA for that.

Rika: Not even for him?

Rika: You should see him now… so grown up.

ZEN: Do what you want, Seven.

707: I really think you should watch what you say.

707: Especially now, with all this floating over your head.

Rika: Hmm… fine.

Rika: Finn?

Finn: Yes?

Rika: Care to reiterate to your friends about why you no longer want to be apart

Rika: of their group?

Yoosung★: Wait…

Jumin Han: Of course.

Jaehee Kang: It seems we have our proof.

Yoosung★: Rika… you aren’t forcing Finn… are you…?

Rika: Why don’t you let him answer that for himself.

Finn: Of course she’s not.

Finn: Do you all think I would give in that easily?

Jumin Han: Of course not, that’s why we don’t believe you.

Rika: Finn has come to see the ways of this place, our Magenta.

ZEN: Magenta?

Jumin Han: Luciel.

707: Yuup... on it

Yoosung★: Rika, so you really did run away to make this… Magenta?

Rika: A paradise, yes.

Rika: A place for those smothered by their own suffering.

Rika: Finn has found comfort in being here. Why won’t you at least consider that idea?

ZEN: …

Finn: You can call off the whole ‘search party’ thing.

Jumin Han: Is that what this is about?

Jumin Han: Being a burden?

Finn: It’s a part of the reason.

Finn: The ones I’ve already told you…

Jaehee Kang: Is this permanent?

ZEN: Yeah, will we be able to see you again. Be in contact with you?

Rika: I’m feeling a bit left out over here…

Rika: Does no one care about me?

Rika: I thought you all desperately wanted answers.

Yoosung★: We do.

Jumin Han: Do not redirect the subject.

Rika: Perhaps we should start at the beginning, Jumin. 

Rika: It’s quite simple, really.

Rika: I left because I felt I was being smothered. By V.

Rika: It was not my decision to cover up the truth.

Rika: That was V’s choice.

Jaehee Kang: There has to be more to the story.

My chair rocks, clatters and threatens to fall over as I clumsily rise from the table. Bile is rising in my throat, and I drag myself to the balcony railing.

‘’I do believe,’’ Rika starts, and my chest begins to heave. ‘’That you were right. They will not let this go. However, I do not see why we cannot block them off, simply leave.’’

The ground below is blurry, and my eyes burn. I clutch the frigid, metal railing, steadying myself as the acid in my stomach finally escapes. It’s horrible, everything is. Tears fall down my face and nothing is how I want to be.

Rika doesn’t spare me a glance as I return to my seat, drag my sleeve across my face. ‘’If you’re going to be so dramatic, I’ll handle it myself.’’ 

Rika: As Finn said, this is his decision.

Rika: And if you don’t want to believe that, then fine.

Rika: Spend the rest of your existence in turmoil.

Rika: That’s the reason I created my paradise, to escape that.

_Rika has left the chat room_

Jumin Han: Luciel…?

707: Didn’t want to hear anymore.

Yoosung★: She was trying to explain everything!

Jumin Han: No, she wasn’t.

Jumin Han: Nothing has progressed, we are still stuck.

Jaehee Kang: Is Finn still here?

ZEN: Says he is ;;

Yoosung★: Finn, you have to explain what’s going on.

Yoosung★: We’re all so confused.

Yoosung★: Are you okay, are you not?

Yoosung★: If Rika is really… forcing… this choice of yours, then…

Yoosung★: I’ll try to have a clear mind.

Yoosung★: But you have to tell us why she’s doing what she’s doing.

707: And what Magenta is.

Jumin Han: Mmm.

ZEN: And what goes on there…

Finn: Magenta…

Finn: This place I’m in

Rika is leaning over my shoulder now, eyes narrowed. She is far from fuming, more of a silent rage, like something dangerous lurking beneath calm waters.

‘’Tell them that continuing to search for you is pointless. That, even if they find you, you aren’t going to return.’’

When my hands don’t move, she clasps hers around mine, and types for me.

Finn: This is a fruitless journey you all are on.

Finn: Don’t you see the circle we’re going in?

Finn: I’ve found happiness, yet you are unable to accept that.

Finn: You’re stuck in your world,

Finn: unmoving.

Finn: But I’m in a new one now, and no amount of chasing after me

Finn: will ever bring me back into your sights.

**R.F.A**

This conversation will be archived in the RFA records,

I hereby agree to treat this conversation as confidential

She removes herself from my shoulder. ‘’There. Your wish has been fulfilled.’’

‘’That’s not how I wanted it to go…’’

‘’We don’t always get exactly what we want in life, Finn.’’ I finally look up from my phone to see her stacking our plates and cups. ‘’Now, you aren’t allowed to return to the messenger unless directed. I’ll handle things from here.’’ She doesn’t flinch when I rise from my chair, quick and careless. The chair makes a horrible screech against the balcony floor, and her face grows cold.

‘’You said you wouldn’t bother them any longer.’’

‘’I’m not. I’m fulfilling your wish, to make sure they receive closure.’’

‘’You’ve already made your demands, Rika.’’

She begins to walk away as if I said nothing. ‘’Feel free to return to your room whenever you like. You’ve kept your promise, after all.’’ The glass door I walked through to get here opens, and she slips behind it. My phone chimes, over and over, and I stay there. Stay in that spot for just a bit longer, to reel myself in.

Then I return to the messenger.

_You have 6 new message(s)_

📧 707

  * I went to the apartment with Yoosung the other day 11:17 AM
  * You have to tell me what’s going on… 11:17 AM
  * I’m so sorry 11:19 AM
  * I know 11:19 AM
  * If… if it’ll get you into trouble… 11:20 AM
  * I don’t care about that. 11:20 AM
  * You know we’re not scared, right? 11: 21 AM
  * We can do this. We can. 11:21 AM
  * But with what consequences? 11:21 AM
  * Am I worth that? 11:22 AM
  * Finn. 11:22 AM
  * And here I am being self-centered again. 11:22 AM
  * It’s not all about me. 11:23 AM
  * It’s so much more than that. 11:23 AM
  * It is. 11:24 AM
  * But you’re also so much more, Finn. 11:24 AM
  * How can we just forget you, accept this? Believe this? 11:25 AM
  * How can you forget us? Expect us not to do anything? 11:25 AM
  * I think that’s really being selfish. 11:26 AM
  * In all honesty, I don’t know everything. 11:26 AM
  * I’ve been stuck in a room since I got here. Only now am I allowed access. 11:27 AM
  * Why? 11:27 AM
  * Because… of what I asked for. 11:27 AM
  * She told me she wanted me to convince you that I am happy here. 11:28 AM
  * That maybe it would persuade you. 11:28 AM
  * To do what, exactly? 11:28 AM
  * To join her. Her paradise. Her Magenta. Her… cult, basically. 11:29 AM
  * But I told her no, so we made a deal. 11:29 AM
  * I told her that if she would leave you all alone, I would stay with her. 11:30 AM
  * You know we would never want that. 11:30 AM
  * I know, I know. But I had to do something. 11:30 AM
  * Even now… I’d rather you not tell the others about this. 11:31 AM
  * She’s just not… all of this is just not worth chasing after. 11:32 AM
  * You don’t get to decide that. 11:33 AM
  * Yeah… 11:33 AM
  * Then what do we do about Rika? 11:33 AM
  * I guess… show them. 11:34 AM
  * I’ll show them. 11:34 AM
  * What she is now. 11:34 AM
  * And they’ll make their own judgment. 11:34 AM
  * There’s so much I need to unravel… and not just about her. 11:35 AM
  * About… ‘him’? 11:35 AM
  * Should’ve guess you noticed that. 11:35 AM
  * It’s fine, I won’t press. 11:36 AM
  * I have my own ‘him’, too. 11:36 AM
  * Someone I need to unravel… 11:36 AM
  * You’re safe, right? 11:37 AM
  * And if the answer I want to hear is a lie, then… 11:37 AM
  * It might be. 11:38 AM
  * I wish I could just run to you. 11:38 AM
  * I wish that you weren’t so difficult… 11:38 AM
  * Let me do this for you, okay? 11:39 AM
  * Let me dig for the answers, you stay above ground. Please? 11:39 AM
  * Too late for that lol 11:39 AM
  * >< 11:39 AM
  * I gotta go, alright? 11:40 AM
  * Yeah… 11:40 AM
  * Come back soon. 11:40 AM
  * I'll try. 11:40 AM
  * You look for me, in a forest far away. In a castle called Magenta. 11:41 AM
  * And I will get you what you need. 11:41 AM
  * What we all need. 11:41 AM



Here I am. Apparently so free, looking over the land I can now roam. Yet, that line of trees is still a fence I cannot scale. This castle is open to me, but the world, the one I want to be a part of, is not.

The glass door opens with a creak, and I step inside Rika’s room. Warm and laced with the scent of jasmine. For a moment, I imagine myself back in the apartment, picking out an outfit. The same smell would greet me there, too. Now, I’m not sure which place I’d rather be.

I have a feeling where I will be going, though. He’s already striding down the halls to find me.

It’s like I can almost hear his shoes, and I don’t know this maze as he does. Not enough to find someplace to hide, to avoid being sought. Can I really hide here, though? It’s like trying to run away from myself, so I just wander, accepting what will come to me. And come he does. From behind, his footsteps sound, and I turn to meet him. He’s not changed, and I don’t why he would have.

‘’Not even a second after,’’ he does that growl of his, low and dangerous. I say nothing, let him dig his claws into my shoulder. ‘’You make it seem as if you want it.’’ His hand slowly pulls me forward, until it’s fisting the front of my hoodie.

‘’Maybe I do.’’

‘’Well, then it wouldn’t be my fault.’’ There’s a clicking in his teeth, and the scent of mint is strong. ‘’Because I made it very clear what would happen.’’ 

❤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, i'm not even going to lie, writing finn lying in the chat room was making me just  
> msjlshlflkgflajllafjl  
> but he goes through a lot emotional development during the mint eye arc, and i've had a lot of fun writing it lol
> 
> can't wait to show you guys more  
> the boys are going to show up a lot more soon :')


	27. There's No Fun in Making it Quick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Violence, non-consensual touching,
> 
> i don't know if this is necessary to say, but 'his' pov in this chapter isn't a way to excuse his behavior. i'm not trying to make you feel bad for him, you can hate him if you want lol. i just think it's important to show everyone's struggles, no matter who they are.

Pain is strange.

It’s a thing most avoid, some seek it out, and a thing we will all feel. Emotional, physical. A broken heart, a skinned knee. At times it can also signal something pleasant. The ache of growing bones, bringing a life into the world, the sting of swollen, kissed lips. Maybe, then, since we all feel it, it isn’t something strange. Just complicated.

It’s something I’ve been unable to stop thinking of, sitting in my pink, pink room. I anticipate it, anticipate the pain, but it is yet to come.

Or maybe it never will.

He taunts me with it, the will, or will not. His hand will hover over my skin, never touching, always making me flinch. Just barely, the pad of his thumb will skim over my throat, over that fading mark. It’s never his almost touch that hurts, no. It’s the heat I feel coming off him, the blank face he gives me, with those eyes that always follow mine.

Yesterday, he came in with the smell of sugar woven into his clothes. It was something horrible, made the twisting in my stomach tighter. He knew it too, that I was hungry. How could he not? That’s why he brought that cake with him, tiny and white with strawberries on top, and maybe with a ‘pretty please’, I could have it.

He sat me down at the table, joined me, and set the plate down. ‘’Would you like some?’’ he asked me. Of course, I didn’t answer him. I’ve known him long enough. He smiled at me then, what looked like a real smile, not one of his smirks. But it didn’t fit his face or reach his eyes. ‘’You’re such a fast learner.’’ He twirled a fork in his fingers, then stabbed the little cake. Each bite he took was accompanied by his unwavering stare.

I could have looked away, but I didn’t. Waited for him to finish it. After the last bite disappeared past his lips, he stood and rounded the table.

His head tilted down to catch my gaze. He told me, words sickly sweet with the scent of strawberries and frosting, ‘’Only good boys get cake.’’

The plate still sits there, crumbs and all. The hunger in my stomach says to swallow my pride because it’ll fill me up, but I know it will hardly make a difference. Instead of heading to the table, I head to the windows. The ones I can now open. I draw the curtains away from them, welcome the sunlight, and pull them up. It’s a still morning, with no footsteps outside my door, and no voices from outside.

Silence here is something of a mystery to me. Good or bad, I can never tell, but it allows me to soak in the nice weather. The smell of a winter day is hard to describe. It's a flat scent, as everything is dead.

The words might have come to me if _he_ had not first.

All of him disturbs the quiet--the sound of his boots, the shift of his clothes, the smirk he gives me. The crinkling paper bag in his hold. As if his empty hands aren't troublesome enough. I let my eyes linger on it for too long, and he notices.

''You want to know what's inside?'' he asks.

‘’I’m sure you want me to.’’

For the first time in quite a while, he stalks right up to me, like how he used to.

One of his fingers traces my shirt’s collar, and he brings his eyes down to watch it. ‘’A new outfit.’’ Then he tosses the bag aside, and another hand joins in trailing down my clothes.

‘’What do you want?’’ I mumble.

He tugs at the buttons, slipping one out of its hold, and without thinking, my hands meet his chest. He goes tumbling backward, the soles of his shoes screeching in the effort he makes not to fall over. Even after seeing his face--slits for eyes and lips peeled back in a snarl--I wouldn’t take it back.

I turn my back to him, risky words on my tongue, but he slams me into the wall before I can get them out. Pain splinters through my face and the tang of blood fills my mouth.

‘’So fucking bold,’’ he hisses in my ear. ‘’What is it about me that makes you think you can get away with whatever the hell you want?’’ He hooks his fingers in the neck of my shirt. I swallow in an attempt to bear the pressure on my throat. ‘’It really pisses me off.’’ A shiver joins his fingers in running down my spine. The tip of his boot jams itself in the back of my foot when I start to struggle. Everything is like a trigger with him, a slip of your finger and it escalates into something you can’t take back. ‘’Don’t think I’ll make the same mistake again.’’ He toys with my piercing, twisting, and tugging.

‘’Please, don’t.’’ My vision grows blurry from the stinging in my ear.

‘’Ooh, taking the pleading route, are we?’’ Two fingers, that’s all he uses, to trail from my ear to where my neck meets my shoulder. ‘’Say it again, I might reconsider.’’ Nothing leaves my mouth. I can’t think while his lips brush my skin. Too close. ‘’That’s what I thought,’’ he murmurs into me.

Then pain. Hot and sharp and wet. His teeth.

My body acts on its own. There’s a sickly thud as my head meets his face, and he stumbles away, barks out a swear. I touch where he bit me. Wet with his saliva, it aches and burns. He would have made me bleed. I turn around, fists clenched, only to recoil. Blood leaks from his nose and onto his lips. He wipes at it with his wrist. He’s pleased--I don’t need to see his bloodied teeth to know--but at what, I’m not sure.

‘’I come with a gift, and this is what you give me in return?’’ He holds out his bloody fingertips to me, presses them to my shirt, and leaves a smear of blood. Trying not to jerk away, I show him the side of my face and bite my cheek as he tends to his nose. ‘’No apology, huh?’’ He brushes the hair out of his face with a clean hand, tilts his head at me.

‘’It was an accident…’’ I murmur, glancing back at him. A couple of days ago, the last thing I would have wanted to do was apologize to him. It was his fault, after all. Now, I just don’t want to be the one with fingers stained red.

His face then goes soft, a look worse than a snarl. ‘’Look at you, shaking. You know, I see the way you look at me,’’ he says, closer now. ‘’Like I’m some big, bad wolf.’’ At my lack of an answer, he grabs my wrists and pulls me forward. ‘’What, want me to go ahead and bite your head off?’’ He runs the tip of his tongue over one of his canines, and for a moment, I think he’s being playful.

‘’You’ve… can I…’’ I can’t bring myself to ask him anything.

‘’Can you what? Go lie back down, shiver under your covers? You think you have it so bad.’’ He lets my wrists go, backs away from me. ‘’Yet, you’ve seen nothing.’’ The look he gives me before turning around is no longer mellow, but much more fitting. He retrieves the bag from where it sits and tosses it to my feet. ‘’Go ahead, open it.’’ He takes a seat at the table, crosses a leg over his knee. His eyes are on me as I pick the bag up, and I spare him a glance. At our eye contact, he asks, ''Have you ever felt shame?''

‘’Of course.’’ I fold the edges of the bag between my fingers.

‘’Of course,’’ he echoes. ''But have you ever felt it so strongly that it made you sick? Like the slightest thought of what you did makes you curl and clutch your stomach.'' I can no longer look at him. ''Like what you did wasn't already appalling enough, your brain feels the need to torture you.'' He stands, I flinch in response and realize he's looking for an answer.

''No. I haven't.''

What was the blank slate of his face crumbles in a second. ''Lucky you, then. That changes today.'' He motions to the bag, and I’m mistakenly curious about what’s inside. Surely not just an outfit. ''Come on, I don't have all day. Aren't you curious?''

Peeling back its brown, paper teeth, I peek inside to find clothing. Women’s clothing. As always, there’s a catch. Confused, I look up at him.

''Surprise.'' he mocks. ''Clothing that never went to use, since the Savior thought you were just so precious. I'm not a wasteful person, however, so I'm handing them down to you.’’ He begins to close the space between us. ‘’I’ll even let you choose.’’ He's deathly close to me now, the lack of distance that results in walls and teeth. His eyes flick from the bag to me, then there's that smirk again. '’So come on, let’s play dress up.’’

My personal choice on how to humiliate myself. I don’t want to know where he got this idea from. Experience, nights spent alone, or otherwise. With a labored swallow, the lump in my throat disappears, and I close my eyes.

Better not to know what I'm grabbing, one less thing to think about, one less thing for him to taunt me for. When I hear him snicker, I open my eyes. Past the plaid skirt now in my hand, I can see him. Something about his expression tells me he was hoping for this.

He cocks his head. ‘’What, do you want me to put it on for you?’’

I snap, ‘’No.’’

‘’Then stop gaping at me.’’ He turns his back to me, surely feigning decency.

When his eyes are no longer on me, I take the skirt between my teeth and begin undressing. Maybe now, instead of trying to describe the smell of winter, I can search for some words to explain what I’m feeling. My clothing falls to my ankles, and I step out of the pile and into the skirt. Gently, I take it by the band and guide it up my legs. It slides right up and hugs my hips. Exposed might be the word to start with. Just a small dip towards the floor would reveal a little too much. A quiet swear comes through my teeth, and he takes this as his cue to turn around and meet me with a look of neutrality. I’m overcome with the desire to be small, shrink, and slip through the floorboards.

''Fuck,’’ he finally says something, eyes roaming over me. ‘’You're boney as hell.’’ His arms cross over his chest and he steps nearer. ''Twirl.’’

Without thinking twice, I do as I’m told. The skirt goes flying up, the room around me distorts, and my stomach tangles within itself. Everything still spins, even after I stop, and I see three of him. Three coquettish smirks. He places a hand on my shoulder, and if he were anybody else, I might've thought he was trying to steady me.

But he leans in just to whisper into my ear, ''You could have kept your panties on.''

Burn, burn, burn. There was this thought in me, that maybe I might have been immune to his intentions since I knew what they were, but no. Desperately, I want that heat back in me, to let it spark and overflow. Because now, all I can manage is a little frown. Still, no matter what I do, it isn’t good enough. He said he wouldn't make the same mistake again, but I do. I turn my back to him, and he shoves me down.

To the bed, pinning me before I can move. Knee between my legs and hands clamped on my wrists, he glowers over me. ''Did I say you could leave?'' he spits out.

''What the hell do you want from me?!'' I scream, struggling against his grasp.

He laughs right in my face, bearing the teeth that dug into my neck. ''Anything I can get out of you. You're my new toy.'' One of his hands leaves my wrist. ''How lucky you are. But maybe, if you cry, I'll reconsider.'' His hand trails down my chest. ''Come on, I know it's in you. You must be so tired. So much has been taken away from you.'' Down my side. ''Your job, your home...'' Over my hip. ''...your precious friends.'' Under my back. ''Your dignity.'' He ghosts his fingers over my skin, tentatively, then it's his nails and everything burns again. ''There we go, good boy.’’ He brushes away the tear from my cheek. ‘'Now come here.''

I’m tired, so tired.

The only thought that gets me through this, that I can sink back into, is seeing the RFA again. My friends.

A semblance of normal.

But that’s far, far away. So in the distance, I let him tell me the things he dreams for. Let him play with my hair like a doll's and whisper words I know he doesn't mean and I know I'll never hear again.

Because he's right. What do I have left?

❤ 

Something must live high above, somewhere the human eye cannot reach, watching its creations. Watching people.

Humans, what a complicated thing they are. Each unique, with their own ways to live, love, and hate. But it must really love watching them suffer, seeing their wars, the blood they shed.

At least, that’s what he thought.

What other reason could there be for his suffering, besides that someone wanted to watch him drown in his own turmoil? Why else would he have been in so much pain? He certainly didn’t deserve it. Didn’t deserve the searing pain in his skull, the darkness he was forced into. He wanted so badly to leave that place, the one in his own head. But really, was being away from there, out in this tangible existence, any different? Crouched in a corner, swallowed in ugly blue light, clutching his head.

No, it seemed the same to him.

Maybe he did deserve it, being tortured by the one thing he couldn’t control. He’d been told he deserved all that came to him, that he was a mistake, a product of the devil. Even now, he couldn’t escape that, wasn’t even trying. If that was all he could be, then he would embrace it.

Yet, every time he left that room, the one drenched in pink, what he felt contradicted what he thought.

Everything was drawn from him; his heart stilled. It had been racing just moments ago, watching the boy next to him give in to sleep, to whatever he'd been fighting. And minutes after he’d entered his room, a horrible feeling washed over him. He felt dirty, disgusting. It was Flower Boy whining, trying to push his way back out. There was something else too, a feeling he couldn't place, that wasn't his own. It felt like his head was a balloon, being pushed past its limits, about to burst. He didn’t know how long it went on for, all he knew was that he was still there.

Still there.

The pain was worth enduring. At least, that’s what he told himself. The last time he felt tears crawl down his cheeks was a long, long time ago, and he would not break that streak. He crawled to his knees, using the wall as support, and attempted to stand on unsteady legs. Though his breathing was shallow, and the steps he took short, he made it out of the unnaturally lit room and into the hallway. It took everything he had to assume vigor.

He didn’t really know where he was going. Well, no, he did know. He knew exactly where he was headed. He went to that place every time because he was weak. He went to that place every time, despite knowing what would happen. He was just that miserable, that feeble. Each time he walked through those massive, massive wooden doors, he thought he'd be able to resist it. Resist that vile, bitter liquid packaged in crystal. But each time, he proved himself wrong, and this time was no exception.

He called out her name, let her take his face into her hands. She always whispered such sweet words to him, right into his shoulder as he breathed in the familiar scent of her hair. Jasmine, magnolias, something fresh and sweet, yet it made his stomach coil. He knew what came after. She would set that chilly bottle in his palm, and he wouldn’t be able to refuse.

How could he? Not when she stroked his hair and wiped away his tears. The ones he never knew he shed.

He would tip the bottle back, force himself to keep the wretched concoction down. Then he’d slip, slowly, slowly back into his head, back into that dark corner. Except, every time, he thought he could still make out her voice. Still feel her hands. And that dark corner, the one of utter nothingness, gained a little light.

❤


	28. Daffodils. That's Almost Funny.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late update, i rewrote a lot of this chapter
> 
> 2,000 hits guys (ﾟoﾟ)  
> what the hecky heckin heck

When I reach my hand out, perhaps to grab something in my waning dreams, the sheets beside me are cold. 

Like he was never here. 

Yet, the window is still open, letting frozen air in. Yet, I’m above the covers, legs bare with fabric tangled between them. The thought of what happened, the ache in my shoulder, it stirs nothing inside of me. Even though I dared close my eyes next to him, to sleep, I’m tired. And maybe, in this short time of two weeks, accustomed. To the bruises and swears and horrible glares. It’s my fault, after all. 

A hollow, wooden sound floats through the room, and I curl into myself. 

The door, so early. 

I thought it would be over by now, his strange way of things. There’s not even a word I can use to describe it. Torture seems too harsh. Some sick game he’s playing, one I initiated. 

The knock sounds again, and I’m about to crawl under the covers when I remember _he_ walks in as pleases. In my haste to get up, I trip on the sheets and land on my knees, nose skimming the floor. That’s when I realize I’m still wearing it, the skirt. It makes me sick all over again, and I tear it off and kick it under the bed, pulling on a pair of jeans before I answer the door. 

She stands there, Rika, dressed in her robes and a smile on her face. We haven’t spoken since the day on the balcony, and now that she’s here in person, it makes me uneasy.

‘’Hello, Finn.’’ Her eyes go past my shoulder, then come back to mine. ‘’Did I wake you?’’ 

My lack of patience is hard to hide when I’ve just woken up. ‘’Yes.’’ 

‘’Oh, apologizes. Well, now that you’re up, would you let me in?’’ The moment I open the door wider, she brushes past me, smile melting. ‘’We have quite a few things to discuss, and I’m sure you know what they’re about.’’ She wastes no time and takes a seat at the table, pinching at her robes. Her glance around the room, eventually settling on the open window, is pointed. ‘’It’s cold in here, no?’’ 

‘’Get to the point,’’ I say, pulling out the other chair and sitting away from the table. 

‘’You’re not in the place right now to be talking to me like that, so I suggest you reel yourself back in, Finn.’’ When I say nothing, she goes on, ‘’I hope you’ve learned something these past few days, about following orders, keeping your promises. Expecting consequences. Truly, I am curious about why you made that choice. What exactly did you accomplish?’’ She does not let her gaze slip from mine. ‘’Go on, I’m waiting. I might mistake your silence for something else.’’ 

I mumble, ‘’Whatever you want me to say, I doubt that’s what’s in my head.’’ 

Her eyes stay on mine as if she expects me to say something else. As if she expects she can force an answer out of me. ‘’Fine. I suppose it doesn’t matter what you say, what matters is that we had an agreement. One you broke the moment I turned my back.’’ She settles her hands on the table. ‘’And I’m wondering if I should do the same.’’ 

‘’I’m sure you already have.’’ 

She sighs. A rather dramatic sound paired with a once-over of her nails. ‘’We have quite a way to go, it seems,’’ she says. ‘’And you’re only making it more difficult.’’ The chair under her creaks as she slides back and stands up. She pushes it back under the table and smooths out her clothing. ‘’But, of course, that doesn’t mean I have to be. Which is why I’m not taking away your privileges.’’ Her attention goes to the vase of flowers, she runs her fingers over their tops. Dead, they rustle together. ‘’Ray has quite an eye for this,’’ she comments. ‘’Such a delicate touch.’’ 

‘’I don’t want to talk about him.’’ 

A smile finds its way to her face. ‘’He has many sides to talk about.’’ I leave my seat, chair rocking as I walk some distance away. Of course, I can only go so far. ‘’Has he told you his name yet?’’ she asks, my back to her. 

Arms crossed, I mutter, ‘’No.’’ 

‘’I see. Well, he never did like that name.’’ When I turn around, she’s still smiling, and I wonder what she knows. What she’ll make me find out on my own. ‘’I’ll be taking my leave now.’’ She misses the grimace on my face as she heads for the door. ‘’Oh, but I’ll have you know the party preparations are being undertaken by someone else, as I have a feeling you’ll be more absent from now on.’’ The knob turns, and she opens the door. Before she steps out, she throws a look over her shoulder. ‘’Be careful where you step,’’ she says, then she’s finally gone.

I’m left staring at the plain wood of the door, in thought. My consequences—I’ve learned nothing from them. At least, I’ve learned nothing about what not to do, what not to repeat. She can keep sending him back, throw her threats around, but until she’s broken my bones and tied my hands, I will not stop.

Grabbing my sketchpad off the table, I settle on the bed, crisscross. I guess I could leave now, go out and find something else to draw, breathe in the fresh air. Yet, I don’t move. Outside that door, I won’t be able to trust myself. So I sit, wait for nothing, let time pass. 

My phone hums a few times, and I try to pay it no mind. He has to be watching, seeing if I’ll act so soon again. Without him here, with all this idle anger inside me, I feel I need to do something. 

_Special. Crazy_.

It’s wrong, the reason I grab my phone. The things I type in that little search bar. My hope that he sees it. Curiosity killed the cat, but ignorance is just as dangerous. But the more I read, the more complicated things become. Because I feel something for him I thought I never would. Empathy. For the things he’s surely endured. Understanding for the way he is. Yet, I don’t regret the things I’ve said and done, because I know he doesn’t either, because I still have scars. 

Though, after I set my phone aside, aimlessly scribbling in my sketchpad, a little part of me says I should see things from another angle. But really, I'm not so sure. My pencil continues to wander over paper as I’m caught up in my thoughts, and by the time there’s a knock at the door, I’ve drawn a rose.

‘’So damn honored,’’ I mutter to myself, sliding out of bed. ‘’Two visits in a row.’’ I’m expecting a Believer, some shrouded face telling me that Rika would like another tea party, but the person I greet with a scowl is far from who I expected. 

‘’Um… is this a bad time?’’ His blue rose, those soft eyes, I don’t trust them at first. I’ve grown accustomed to seeing his face twisted into a grimace. He seems unreal, like when I first met him. ‘’Finn?’’

‘’A-ah, sorry. Come in.’’ Gesturing, I pull the door wider, and he steps inside. As he drags his eyes around, directs his attention anywhere but me, I find myself torn between two sides; unease and calm. I have not known him for long, but part of me doesn’t feel the need to be prepared, to be ready to be knocked down or shoved against a wall. Finally, his eyes settle on me, run me up and down.

Such a sad guise finds its way to his face that it startles me, and I break the quiet. ‘’Um, so… how are you?’’ 

He lets out a stuttering breath. ‘’Don’t ask me that, not when you look like you do.’’ 

‘’Oh…’’ It’s been days since I’ve seen myself in a mirror, and I wonder what he notices. Warily, I pull my arms closer to me.

‘’Aren’t you cold?’’ He approaches me, brow furrowed and eyes darting over my form, searching for something unknown to me. ‘’You look so… you must be hungry.’’ His hands reach out, then retreat, over and over. ‘’I-I’m really sorry, I should have—I could’ve…’’ he trails off, and his focus wanders away. 

‘’It’s… okay,’’ I tell him. 

He murmurs something I can’t catch before dragging his gaze back to me. ‘’It won’t happen again, I promise,’’ he says, eyes wide and sure. 

Believing him would be easier than not, but I can’t. Still, I nod. ‘’Alright.’’ 

He hears me, I know, yet his frown does not disappear. There are still creases in his forehead and he inspects me with careful regard. 

‘’Ray?’’ 

With a little flinch, he snaps back. ‘’Sorry.’’ His fingers find their way to his hair. ‘’Um, I’ll be right back. Go sit down, okay?’’ He brushes past me, slipping through the door, closes it so gently, like it might break. 

I don’t realize it until I’ve sat down on the bed, but my heart throbs. A nervous, anticipating pulse. It picks up again when he walks back through the door, but I can’t tell if it’s good or bad. He carries three plates in his hands, awkwardly making his way across the room, trying not to let them all topple to the ground. I’m quiet as he sets them all down in front of me, surprised. 

‘’Oh, um, is this too much?’’ he asks. ‘’I just thought since--’’ 

‘’It’s fine,’’ I reassure him. ‘’Thank you.’’

Finally, I see him smile, small and full of relief. ‘’Of course.’’ 

Though I can eat all of them if my stomach warrants it, the first thing I pull into my lap is a plate of pancakes. Blueberries, sweet and warm. There’s a horrible urge poking at me to just down it all, but I force myself to take slow bites. The last thing I want is for it to come back up. While I control my haste, Ray wanders around the room, seeming unsure of where to place himself. He ends up settling at the window, peering outside with a frown.

‘’The Savior told me you’re allowed access to the building now,’’ he tells me, leaning down to shut the window. He draws the curtains closed, and the room grows a bit dimmer. Past a bite of food, I hum in response. ‘’Once you’re feeling better, if you’d like, I can show you around.’’ He pulls a chair out from the table and settles down a small distance away from the bed.

My plate now empty, I lock my fingers together and stretch my arms above my head. It’s like I injected something straight into my veins; just a meal makes me feel more alive. ‘’That’d be nice.’’ Trailing behind him, distracted, I might be less tempted to get into things I shouldn’t. Part of me wants to roam those halls alone, though, find my way through the maze.

After he nods in response, we sit in silence. He just stares down at his hands as I finish my second plate. I could eat more, but I’m familiar with where that leads to. Some unending cycle of never having enough. I place the plate atop the last one, causing a click. Ray flinches. It doesn’t matter I’m not sure of him yet; I can feel something’s off. It’s that prickly air of words left unsaid.

‘’Um…’’ His eyes slowly find their way back to mine, and he straightens in his seat. ‘’Can I say something?’’

‘’Mmm.’’

He rubs at his neck. ‘’I’m sorry that you… had—that you found out about… him that way. About me…’’ I realize then that he saw what I did on my phone, not _him_ , and it kicks up some guilt inside me. It’s like I hit a puppy, the way he looks. Utterly guilty, and I’m so torn on what to do. ‘’I’m so ashamed for letting it happen, for saying sorry when I can’t even imagine what he did to you.’’ His head drops, his bangs curtaining his face, but he splays his hands out. Like he has something foul on them. Like he’s trying to see what they have done. And a moment later, he tries to cover it all up. ‘’I’m sorry. That was…’’ He doesn’t go on, stands, and puts the chair back in place. ‘’I’m not myself today. I think I should go.’’

Lately, I think I’ve been more impulsive. Testing over and over, no matter how much I tell myself I shouldn’t, that I should be afraid, that I am afraid. Of course, regret doesn’t come until after. ‘’Wait, Ray.’’ He was edging for the door but stops. ‘’Don’t leave.’’

‘’W-what?’’ His stuttering makes me falter, a little heat climbing up my neck.

‘’Um, what I mean is, it’s okay.’’ Before going on, I slide to the edge of the bed. Drop my eyes to my feet. The last thing I want to feel is embarrassment. Not here, not in front of him, not because of this. ‘’I’m going to be honest and say that I’m still unsure of everything. Of you. I want to trust you, trust this place, but… not yet. I can’t.’’ Afraid of what I might see, I can’t bring myself to face him yet, but I’m aware he gets farther away from the door.

‘’That’s… I understand,’’ he says, tone hushed. ‘’It takes time to settle down, and the way you got here was certainly… unpleasant.’’ There’s a weight on the bed, right on the edge. He sits at the corner, head between his shoulders. ‘’But… even with your mistrust, I hope that, if you are to turn to anyone, it will be me.’’ He glimpses over at me, and I almost pull my eyes back down, but he smiles. Small, unsure, but so sincere. It does something to me.

Taking on his quiet tone, I say, ‘’Okay.’’ And just barely let myself smile back. I must already trust him, or I’ve gone insane. It can’t be both. ‘’Can I ask something, now?’’

He seems to hesitate but eventually gives a nod. ‘’Yes.’’

‘’How did you get here?’’

I’ve realized I’ve hardly questioned anyone but Rika. All the people here, how they came to be. Were they in the wrong place at the wrong time, or truly seeking something greater?

His hesitance lasts longer this time, jaw setting and fingers back in his hair. The longer he’s quiet, the more I assume the worst, so I’m startled when he rises from the bed. ‘’There’s something I’d like to show you.’’ There it is again. I’m sitting on the bed, and he extends a hand. An offer of so much more. ‘’If you’ll let me.’’

Unlike before, when I was set on being miles away from this man, I find myself edging closer. My fingers press against his, just the tips, and up I go. He’s avoiding my question, but I say nothing, only follow him. Out of the room for what feels like the first time, learning those twists and turns all over again, passing shrouded figures. Except, I no longer shrink into myself. A step behind him, I’m aware of the place I have here now, regardless of whether or not I want it.

On the stairs, I watch his unnatural hair bounce with each step he takes, and ask, ‘’Where are we going?’’

He doesn't answer me until we’re on flat ground, his voice steady. ‘’You’ll see.’’ He doesn’t glance back once during our journey. Not once. It is not me who is too trusting, too hopeful.

Soon, there are no more stairs to descend, and the building opens wide. There are many doors, many halls to enter, many feet, and many covered faces. Yet, only one thing catches my eye; the doors I am certain lead out. He passes them without a glance, something I can’t do until I’ve realized I’m out of step with him. Not long after the doors are out of sight, we approach another set. White, smaller, and more delicate, designed almost like the windows in my room.

‘’Is this…’’

He pushes past them, and we step out into the cold. That flat scent, death all around me.

A garden in winter.

‘’The garden,’’ he finally speaks.

It’s large, twisting stone paths, trellises, skeletons of rose bushes, and hedges. And, even in the dead of winter, color pushes out through the ice. ‘’Has it been snowing…?’’ He hums behind me, letting me wander. ‘’Oh, these are the flowers.’’ Tucked under a bare bush are small, white flowers, pushing through the snow. ‘’Snowdrops?’’

‘’Yes, blooming early, too.’’

‘’I didn’t expect a garden.’’ If there’s anything good about this place, then it’s this. Quiet and lovely, I wonder what it’s like alive.

‘’The Savior is partial towards flowers, daffodils in particular.’’

I pry my attention from the landscape, put it on him. He seems to watch the garden, though there is no movement. A calm, tender look is on his face, caring almost. Flower Boy, I get it now. ‘’Who tends to it?’’

His eyes meet mine for a split second, then flit away, upwards. ‘’It… depends.’’

‘’You?’’

His face goes red, and I suddenly want to see him against the snow. I manage to get his gaze back on mine, and he mumbles, ‘’Yeah.’’

‘’Hmm, I see.’’ Spinning on my heel, I turn back to the garden, walk farther down the stones. He trails behind. ‘’I enjoy gardening, too… though I’m sure you already know that.’’ We pass under a trellis, one clutched and covered with thin, dry vines. ‘’What does it look like in spring?’’ A little marble bench catches my eye, and I approach it. It’s cold under my palm, but I take a seat.

Ray stands, gazes down at me. ‘’Beautiful,’’ he says. ‘’Color everywhere, like something out of a fairytale. Always so quiet, yet so… alive.’’ It doesn’t matter who he is, the way he talks about the garden, I can tell he cares a lot about it. The red dusting his cheeks has not yet faded, and when it grows more vibrant and he glances away, I hold my breath. ‘’I hope to show it to you when it blooms.’’ Another unnegotiated promise, one to stay longer, until spring. Then he clears his throat, shifts uneasily, clearly embarrassed. ‘’Ah, um, sorry… that was a bit much…’’

‘’It’s alright. I hope to see it, too.’’ He gives a sharp nod and settles down on the very edge of the bench. It’s amusing to see him twitch, so I say nothing. He tilts his head back, and I follow. It’s a rather clear day, no clouds, no wind. Nothing to disrupt a conversation, yet neither of us speaks. My question is still unanswered.

‘’Sometimes,’’ he starts, hushed, and I almost don’t catch it, ‘’I feel like the flowers are my only friends.’’

Something stabs me, right in the chest. Twists and tugs and grapples for my heart. I’ve heard that before, something similar out of my own mouth, spoken to no one. The desperation of a lonely child. Drawing in a deep breath that burns my lungs, I pull my gaze back down. ‘’I know what that’s like.’’

He stays quiet but glances at me before glancing at his feet. ‘’About your question…’’ Our shoulders brush together once he slides farther onto the bench. He doesn’t flinch, and I don’t pull away. ‘’I don’t have many memories from my early days here. It’s all really… sporadic.’’ His face, once blank, takes on a thoughtful frown.

‘’You don’t remember how you got here?’

‘’Not really. I wasn’t really… awake at the time. I know the Savior brought me here, however.’’

‘’By choice?’’

‘’Finn…’’

I position myself away from him now, sliding to the edge of the bench. ‘’Sorry.’’

Whatever moment we were just in, I shattered it. I try not to think about all the people here, who they are and who they used to be. Why they would give up their freedom.

Wringing my hands together, I spare a glance at Ray.

Though, I guess, hopelessness is a strong drug. As is whatever was stabbed into my neck.

‘’It may be hard for you to see right now, but I am happy here. This place… it’s happy. I hope you’ll see that one day.’’

I don’t answer, I don’t have one. Or at least one he wants to hear. Instead, I resume my earlier position and soak in the silence. Something that makes him uncomfortable.

‘’Is… there something you…’’ I trail off when he glances at me. There’s this look on his face, fear mixed with something diluted I can’t catch. It’s familiar, something I’ve seen on someone else, and I have to keep myself from stuttering. ‘’Is something wrong?’’

‘’No, I just… I feel like I'll never be able to apologize enough. To you.’’ The fear in his face melts to that sad, thoughtful look from earlier.

‘’It’s fine, you already have.’’

‘’No,’’ he says, letting out an agitated breath. ‘’It’s not. I told you I would look after you and… I can’t. It was the wrong decision. This place, you’re meant to be safe here. Yet… I’m the one causing you harm.’’

Again, I'm at a loss of what to say. He’s right, how can he keep away a part of himself, unless he too stays away? I consider asking this, but in such a short time, I’ve become too soft. I can’t pull him down further.

‘’Don’t blame yourself. It’s not really… something you can control, right? Besides, I brought it upon myself. Isn’t that what happens when you break the rules? You get punished.’’

‘’Are you saying you deserved it?’’

‘’Well, what would happen to someone else who did the same as I?’’

He’s quiet, frown growing deeper. ‘’I…’’ His mouth clamps shut as a strange look passes over his face, a look like he’s realized something horrible. He stutters a bit, turns his head, and stays quiet.

‘’Hey, you okay…?’’

Elbows against his thighs, he leans forward, pinching the bridge of his nose. ‘’Yes,’’ he mumbles, sounding unsure. He drops his hand from his face and digs it into his arm. ‘’I'm... alright.’’ The fabric of his sleeve bunches up tight under his nails, and his brow is full of lines.

The way he looks reminds me of when _he_ showed up, suddenly out of it. A better part of me says to back up, run away while I can, but I’m already in a garden full of thorns.

''Ray.'' Losing yourself can’t be easy; the feeling of not being there. I’ve never experienced the pull of it, inexistence, but I imagine it’s like being taken to the past. Somewhere you don’t belong. ''What's your favorite flower?''

Despite my question, he stays silent for a moment, head down with fingers that fidget, like he’s trying to grasp onto something. Then, he says, ''Convallaria majalis.''

Lily of the Valley. A stubborn little flower that can flourish even in the shade. I haven't seen one in a long time.

''Do you know the meaning?'' I ask.

He leans back and reflexively fusses over his hair, patting down nonexistent stray hairs before bringing his hands to his lap. ''It's... a happy flower,'' he says. ''Symbolizing kindness and humility.'' 

''Do you want to know my favorite flower?''

Now, instead of the ground, he looks at me. But like earlier, even as he nods, it's like he sees something I can't. 

''Dandelions.''

''Dandelions?'' he echoes, a bewildered look masking over the hollowness in his face. ''Aren't they weeds?''

''A plant is just a plant until you make it a weed.'' He nods, but his confusion stays in place. I give him a moment to say something, and when he doesn't, I ask, ''Do you know what they stand for?''

He tells me he doesn't. Or that he can't remember.

''Emotional healing,'' I tell him. ''Moving forward. Kind of funny a pesky little plant people step on holds such an important meaning.''

He nods again but doesn't do much else but that, so I sit it out, whatever is going on in his head. The moment he comes back, he apologizes. ‘’You shouldn't have to deal with that.''

''It's alright, Ray. What happened?''

''On occasion, I'll lose my focus. You said something that made me… never mind.’’ He retreats to that corner of the bench as if I’ve bitten him. ‘’Why don’t we head back in? It’s getting cloudy.’’ Without another word, he stands and heads back down the stone path. When he passes under the trellis, I rise.

Something I said.

My own words echo in my head, _Not yet. I can’t_.

I said one thing I don’t have is time, but that’s what things take, and I’m in no rush anymore.

Back in the building's warmth, he asks, ‘’Would you like to return to your room?’’

While there are more halls to explore, more things I’d like to see, my body does not agree with this longing. I'm on the verge of being worn out and climbing the stairs doesn’t help. ‘’Yes,’’ I tell him, and up, up, up we go again. Back in my room, I clear the empty plates from my bed before sprawling out on top of the covers. Ray pulls out a chair again, sits closer this time, knees pressed against the mattress.

‘’Do you get much sleep?’’ he asks.

‘’Mmm, not really,’’ I admit. Too many what-ifs and too many nightmares.

‘’Oh, that’s unfortunate. I don’t get much either,’’ he says, and I sit up and cross my legs. ‘’I find it a hindrance.’’

The evidence of that is all over his face, exactly what I saw in _him_. Guess they’re both dedicated workers. ‘’If you don’t have any time to sleep, then why are you here?’’

‘’It was a suggestion… by the Savior, that I spend today with you.’’ And suddenly I wish I didn’t ask that. ‘’Oh, um, not that I didn’t want to.’’

I let myself fall back, and extend my legs. ‘’I see.’’ Now I’m going back and questioning everything she said to me once again. What was the point of sending him here?

Thankfully, he doesn’t allow me to be stuck in my thoughts for long, and asks, ‘’How is your arm?’’

If he had said nothing, I might have forgotten about it until my next shower—they’re becoming infrequent. ‘’I don’t know, I haven’t checked in a while…’’ When I hear him stand, I sit back up. He’s already at the table, grabbing the medicine kit.

With a frown, he returns and motions me to the edge of the bed. ‘’You have to take better care of yourself,’’ he says and opens the container.

Before he can ask, I pull my arm out of my sleeve and wince at the sight. It’s undoubtedly better, but I still can’t stomach looking at it.

Ray seems to share the same difficulty. ‘’Does it hurt?’’ He skims his fingers over the lines, following it, inspecting.

‘’Not much.’’ A shiver climbs my spine the higher he trails, and goosebumps rise on my skin. It reminds me of that day against the wall a second too late, and when his face falls, I know he’s seen it.

‘’What’s… that?’’

Away from his hand, I bring my arm closer to myself. ‘’Accident.’’

‘’Don’t lie,’’ he barks, and it’s the first time I’ve heard him raise his voice. It must have surprised him too because he pulls away. ‘’I’m sorry…’’ he says, softer now. ‘’Please don’t lie to me.’’

My fingers already tremble because even if he isn’t really here, I’m still staring into his eyes. ‘’You know, Ray,’’ I whisper, and bring my gaze down as he tenses.

‘’W-what did…’’ When he stutters, I force myself to meet his eye, and his expression is all too familiar. Tight, terrified of what I might say, what he doesn’t want to hear. He didn’t stumble over his words out of hesitation. ‘’What did he do to you?’’ His attention darts down to his hands, and he brings one to his face, unsteady. He touches his lips. ‘’I--’’

‘’You did nothing, Ray.’’

He harshly shakes his head. ‘’That bruise, those are my teeth, how can you… even say that…’’

I tuck my arm back into its sleeve and scoot closer to the edge of the bed, to him. ‘’Because it wasn’t your decision.’’ He looks right at me, yet it’s like I'm not there. Like he’s staring at something in the distance. His hand, still near his face, trembles. And out of what, I’m not sure. ‘’Ray.’’

He rises from his chair like someone grabbed him by the collar of his shirt. ‘’What else?’’ he asks. ‘’What else did he do?’’ Then he shakes his head once more. ‘’No, never mind, don’t tell me. I don’t… want to know.’’ He then paces, arms crossed. Back and forth in front of the table, wrinkling the carpet.

No, he does not want to know, and I don’t want him to either. Something tells me if I were to tell him, he would never come back.

And who would I be stuck with then?

‘’Ray.’’ In a new sort of desperation, I leave my bed and set a hand on his arm. ‘’What… what are you thinking?’’

‘’Like—like I need to leave, but I can’t.’’

Once today I have already asked him to stay, and I do it again. ‘’Don’t.’’ By the wrist, he lets me lead him back to his chair. He eyes the seat like it might crumble under him, but slowly lowers himself down. ‘’It’s alright.’’ A bit gracelessly, I pat his hand, and he watches as I do so. Then his neck loses its rigidity, and his head falls between his shoulders.

He whispers, ‘’You shouldn’t be comforting me.’’ My thumb runs across the smooth edges of his fingers, covered by cloth.

‘’I know.’’

He curls his fingers into his palm, and my finger is left on his knuckles. He tilts his head up in the slightest, and under the sheet of his hair, I catch his eye. ‘’Then why are you?’’

‘’I don’t know.’’ 

❤ 

One, two, three, four, five… how many more missed calls did he have?

Roaring down the highway, he couldn’t handle the chime, the vibration, anymore, and slid his phone onto the passenger seat. In a sharp turn, it dove down between the crack of the door and seat. He didn’t have time to fish for it, didn’t have time to answer any calls.

No, he _couldn’t_ answer any calls.

It’d be for the best if he didn’t.

Everything was already out of hand. Too many lies he could no longer cover-up, and people he could no longer keep safe.

V was a fool, he thought so himself. A coward. He allowed this to manifest, let his sunshine grow dark, and thought he could contain it. He thought there was enough kindling in his words to make her grow bright again. Oh, and she did. She burned so hot, so beautifully, and turned into something he could no longer control. Even now, he wasn’t looking for a way to put her out, only a way to keep others from being burned.

After endless hours of searching for her, peering into the night for that little light, he’d finally found her. Somewhere far away, a place that made the scenery go from towering buildings to towering trees. This would not be a reunion, he knew, but a negotiation. Two lives for his own filthy soul. Maybe it would finally be enough then, to settle his world, the mistakes he had made.

Those who were trapped would be free, and he’d be left with her. As it should be.

They would burn down that building, suffocate each other, her pushing, him pulling. It would be as it always meant to be, to stay.

Or again, he was simply a fool. A man who took too much into his own hands. But did that ever stop him? Even as his world grew dim, he would persevere and persevere he did.

The sun was sleeping when he found her castle, mint and white, unmistakable in the darkness. Not a deviation from her blueprints. It was strange seeing a piece of her mind manifested, a whispered dream of helping others turned into a twisted reality. He wished to go back to those times, where she was still in his arms, telling him the things she hoped.

He wondered, as she climbed those marble stairs, approached those large doors, what she would say to him now.

❤


	29. My Heart Can't Tell the Difference between Fear and Adoration

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello there 👀  
> welcome back to the mess that is my fanfic 👍
> 
> i hope you had a good holiday  
> personally, i consumed enough food to last me through the winter
> 
> anyhow, to those who read my hiatus notice, i got quite a decent amount of writing done in november, but i'm super relived to be back working on this  
> my time gone has allowed me to look at it with fresh eyes
> 
> anyhow anyhow, enjoy!

On a balcony, one overlooking the barren garden, Ray sat in a cold chair and sighed. 

‘’Be still,’’ Finn murmured. 

"O-oh, right, sorry." 

Every time Ray moved, the sound of pencil on paper would pause, and Finn would softly scold him. Ray was ashamed, but it kept happening. He just couldn't sit still, knowing the man's eyes were studying him, every little detail of his being. He could've been slouching, or his suit wrinkled. Maybe his hair was out of place. Without thinking, he took his bangs between his fingers. 

"Ray." 

His hands shot back into his lap, and he directed his gaze forward. "Sorry." 

"You know, you did say you don't have a lot of time. Are you sure you want to do this?" From the corner of his eye, Ray saw Finn stand from his spot on the ground. He insisted on sitting there, something about a better perspective. He dusted his jeans off and approached Ray, putting a hand on the back of his chair and staring out past the balcony. 

"I'm sorry," Ray said. "I do want to, I'm just… I have a headache.'' Since that day in the garden, his lack of focus had only grown worse. There would be periods of time where he couldn't connect to reality. It went on for what felt like hours, only for him to find out that usually, just minutes had passed.

He knew it had to do something with…  _ them— _ the voices, the thoughts that weren't entirely his own. 

It was an inconvenient time for it to be happening, as well. Too much was going on.

Only a day after his time with Finn, Ray was summoned by his Savior to discuss her troubles. She was paranoid again, upset over something she refused to speak about. But she advised him to keep a careful eye, to be diligent with his work. Her vagueness kept him busy, and with the ever-pursuing redhead, he had little time anymore. Not even a few minutes to spare staring into space. 

Finn sighed, and Ray broke his gaze away from the garden. He tilted his head to look up at the man, whose brow was knitted in the slightest. Ray could tell Finn was biting his cheek from the movement in his face and guessed he was in thought. Lately, despite his lack of time, Ray had been noticing more and more about Finn; the way he talked, how he moved, the faces he would make, what he liked and disliked. 

It confused him, his own attentiveness. 

He thought he put care and thought into everything he did, his work and hobbies. But this was different. It was something he couldn't describe, but just knew it wasn't the same. 

He'd cursed himself for thinking childish thoughts in the past. Wondering about what it was like to have a friend. If what he was feeling then was akin to that.

One thing he didn't notice until that moment, watching Finn, was how fragile he looked. So slight. He seemed to have shrunk during his time here. Ray could wrap his fingers around Finn's arm and still have room to go on for miles. Ray figured this was his fault, what he did and didn't do. Finn promised him he was alright, but Ray wasn't sure. But one thing that hadn't changed was his eyes. Fiercely blue, set with unwavering kindness whenever they were pointed at Ray. He didn't always look like that, and Ray wondered when he had changed. If he had something to do with it. 

Finn hummed and turned his focus back to Ray. "Well, the light is getting dim. We can finish it another time." He snapped the sketchpad shut and tucked his pencil into the spiral spine. "Besides, I don't want to… get you into trouble, si—hey, what happened to your fingers?" 

Ray tucked his hands into his lap. He'd made a note of keeping them covered as Finn drew since they weren't exactly the most pleasant thing to see.

"I bite them," he mumbled. Another habit of his, though worse than tugging at his hair. He worked with his fingers on the computer every day, yet when he began to feel overwhelmed, he couldn't help himself. "It looks worse than it is."  Finn gave him a look he couldn't decipher; maybe he was unconvinced. But then he shrugged and settled himself against the railing of the balcony. 

"You should try painting them," he said.

"What?"

A little smile found its way to Finn's face, and suddenly Ray was embarrassed for no reason. 

"Paint your nails. It might keep you from biting them.''

"Oh." The last time he had seen painted nails was a long time ago, and whenever he saw them up close, something bad always followed. A raised hand, nails sharp and colored a bright red. He never did care for the smell of polish. ''I think I'll be all right.''

Nodding, Finn pushed himself away from the railing and scooped up his sketchpad. Ray swiveled around in his seat when Finn started past him.  "Let's head back, yeah?" he said. Then he pivoted on his heel and left the balcony, throwing a glance over his shoulder for Ray to follow. 

He rose from his seat and lengthened his stride to catch up. As they descended a short set of stairs, Ray said, "You don't have to be punctual for me." 

Finn took a glimpse at him. "I know." He began to tap his fingers against his pad. "I have my own reasons." 

And Ray wondered exactly what those were. 

A thorn in his side kept reminding him he likely wasn't informed of everything that happened while he was gone. The thought made him slow his pace, lag behind. To him, there was hardly anything worse than being unaware. It fueled further sleepless nights and an irrational sense of panic. 

If his Savior didn't tell him everything, then what did that mean? Was he untrustworthy, incapable of handling the truth? 

His eyes had fallen to his feet, and he brought them up to watch Finn's back. Said man would often pause and try to remember what place was the right spot to place his foot, which turns he had already made. There were things Finn knew that Ray didn't. It didn't slip past him how Finn wasn't on the messenger as much. Ray was too occupied to go through the chats, but he saw Finn was inactive. 

Ray wasn't sure if he should take that as a good or bad sign, coupled with Finn's unexplained freedom to roam. 

Yes, there was certainty more on Ray's plate now. 

"Finn," he called out, and Ray caught up. "Is there anywhere else you'd like to go? Anything you'd like to see?" 

Finn looked put off by the suggestion. "I thought you're busy.'' 

"Well... I suppose accompanying you is technically a part of my job..." He knew it was a stretch, so he was relieved when something like a smirk found its way to Finn's face. 

"Such a devoted follower." He said it in such a tone that didn't hide his jeer, yet Ray's heart picked up its pace. "Come along then, follower." Finn returned his focus forward, and this time, Ray was right behind him. 

He matched his stride and asked, "Where are we going?" 

Finn flashed him his still present smirk. "You'll see."  His response left a lot to be wondered, but Ray relaxed. Finn had to be taking them back to the garden. 

They entered the foyer, the glass doors not far off, but Ray faltered when Finn took a sudden turn. He was then gaping up a very different set of doors.

"I want to see the building," Finn said. "The outside." 

Ray could only stare from the doors, to Finn, then to the guards that stood expectantly in front of them. 

Finn added, "If it's okay." 

No, Ray wasn't sure if it was okay. He didn't know where this was headed. His trust in Finn had undoubtedly grown, and he knew the man was far from reckless, but the  _ what-ifs _ got to him. 

"Mr. Ray, are you going out?" one of the guards asked.

''Yes, we are,'' he said. Maybe he was the reckless one.

Despite Ray's confirmation, the guards gave Finn a dubious glance and muttered between themselves, showing no intention to budge. Moments like those were when Ray was grateful he had a hold on his temper. He took a step forward and smiled a smile that was far too friendly. 

''I'm sorry, I must've not spoken clearly.'' Another step, and in a faint tone, he said, ''Though I'm sure I did. Perhaps you two are feeling tired...''

The hesitation in their faces turned to something else entirely, and Ray let his smile reach his eyes when they pulled the doors open. He was aware of the look Finn gave him as they stepped outside but was relieved when he said nothing. Ray stood at the top steps as Finn slowly started down the stairs. He stopped at the bottom and silently watched the distance. Doubts began to circulate in Ray's head when the silence lasted too long; he tensed in preparation for the worst. 

Surely, with the condition Finn was in, Ray could outrun him...

He nearly jumped out of his skin when Finn finally spoke.

"Have you ever been?" 

"Been where?" Ray asked.

"The woods." 

As he eased down the stairs, Ray wondered how differently they both considered the sight in front of them. All he saw was a place he seldom went, a place similar to his garden, though it was far more limitless.

"Yes, a few times. It's peaceful, but there isn't much there." 

They stood for a moment longer before Finn hummed and began walking further away from the door. He turned mid-step, stepping backward as he slowly tilted his head. Ray followed, keen on watching his expression. 

The building was certainly a sight to behold. Ray had seen it in construction but still admired it from time to time, its oddity and bold coloring. Though, it became apparent Finn didn't share the same taste. He tensed, his mouth in a line, and seemed to glare past the winter sun.

"An eye," he said. Ray positioned himself beside Finn, gazed up at the flashy design. "Mint... eye." 

"Ah, I guess you haven't heard the name. That's what our organization is called." 

"Magenta and Mint Eye," Finn mused. "What a… colorful choice of names." 

Though he spoke like he was amused, his face did not shift. 

It was because of the mark on his arm, Ray guessed. Because it didn't exist in just one place anymore. That it wasn't just the result of anger and a sharp point, but a type of sick branding, a lasting reminder of this place. For Finn's sake, Ray hoped that it would come to mean something else to him. 

Even as Finn walked off, Ray continued to consider the large eye plastered against black. He had something similar etched into him, yet it felt like he had it all his life; he couldn't remember it ever being anything but a symbol of where he belonged.

When he heard his name, he turned to meet Finn. "What was that?" 

"What if I were to become a Believer?" 

Ray had spent years at his Savior's side.  Listening, learning, watching, then eventually, acting. He'd given Believers their first taste of the elixir. Stood in the same room with them as they writhed and succumbed to its effects. In the beginning, he was horrified, so horribly aware that's what he looked like when he was forced to the same treatment. He never wanted to inflict that sort of pain on someone ever again. But he did. And like most things, the guilt and the horror passed. The hushed screams and eerie wailing he'd catch through the cracks in the floorboards no longer sent a chill up his spine; he'd grown accustomed. So he didn't know why a familiar, heady feeling of terror settled into him when he met Finn's eye.

Ray's silence prompted Finn to go on. ''Sorry, that was probably the wrong way to ask that. I'm wondering what the process is. What you have to go through.''

A saying Ray heard in his childhood rang through his ears:  _ curiosity killed the cat.  _ But where the cat had even gotten his curiosity from, Ray wasn't sure. 

He drowned the urge to pace a circle into the dead ground. There was no way he could explain without lying straight through his teeth. Instead, he asked, ''Could I know why you're curious?''

Finn stared at him for a moment, seeming like it was his first time genuinely considering Ray. Then he tucked his head. ''Never mind. I shouldn't have said anything.'' He began for the building, and when Ray stepped in his way, he recoiled. 

''I'm--I'm not going to force anything out of you. But I'd like if you could... could help me,'' Ray said. ''You know what I don't.''

''I know, I know,'' Finn started. ''I just don't want to cause any problems. For you or me or anybody else.''

"You won't," Ray said. "You aren't." He gave Finn a soft smile that urged him to raise his head. ''But I need to know these things. So if you would...''

Frowning, and although somewhat hesitantly, Finn nodded. ''Alright.''

They sat on the first step of the stairs, and Finn began. He spoke about his meeting with the Savior and the baffling deal she wove with him. Every little detail. Every little word. And Ray learned why Finn was curious about the indoctrination process; in exchange for false freedom for the RFA, Finn sold his own.

It took a moment for Ray to register it all. To piece it together with the little that he had.

His Savior had planned all on her own. She'd not indulged him in a single idea or thought.

He wondered what had gone wrong, what drove her to make the decisions she did. A part of him screamed it was his fault, and it was too loud to ignore. Maybe she'd come up with it due to his inability to execute their previous plan. Or perhaps she'd already been sowing the idea in her mind before  _ he _ took over. There were far too many parts of the story that were hard or near impossible to grasp. And standing outside of the building wasn't going to help him get any nearer to the answers he wanted.

"Ray?"

Pulled from his thoughts, he asked, "What else?" 

Finn scuffed a toe against the ground, creating a small divot in the dirt. "She went on the messenger, and now I'm restricted from using it.'' 

He silently cursed himself. It didn't matter how full his hands were; he should have checked the messenger logs. 

"I see." He drew in a sigh to regain his slipping composure. "Why don't we head back in? It's getting a bit cold.''

Ray might've been good at keeping his anger in control, hiding it when necessary, but he had a feeling the reason Finn stayed silent and offered no protests wasn't because of the weather.

Ray took the lead, back through the doors and to the first flight of stairs. He stopped at the bottom, and Finn paused, foot poised on the first step. 

He'd already been reckless enough that day; one more time couldn't hurt. Ray asked, ''Will you return to your room?''

If Finn was surprised, he didn't let it show. "Yes.'' Then he added, ''Don't worry." 

It was a small jab, and on any other day, Ray might've given it some thought, but they both turned without another word and went their separate ways.

Ray's first destination was the throne room, but he found the lights were off, and the space empty. No events were scheduled in the chapel that day, so it left him with one clear option: her room. And if she wasn't there, well, then he'd have to wait—something he really didn't want to do. 

As he trekked through the halls, he tried to keep a steady pace, but each Believer who greeted him couldn't get out all their words before he passed by. Soon, in his zeal to reach his destination, he was at her door. He didn't hesitate before he knocked and prayed that she was here. Either something had heard him, or he had good luck. A few moments later, the door opened. 

"Ray, this is a surprise,' his Savior greeted him. 

The sight of her dressed casually made him clear his throat and keep his eyes up. He was used to the robes, the outfit that demanded attention.  He nodded. "Savior." 

"Ah, don't be nervous. Come in." She held the door wider for him, and he stepped inside. "Is there something troubling you? I assumed you were busy.'' 

The sound of running water didn't slip past him. He must've interrupted her. "I apologize for intruding, but yes, there is something on my mind."

"Come, then, have a seat." 

Over by a window sat a small table draped in a lace cloth. Two chairs were positioned at it, though it was hardly big enough to hold more than a few cups. 

She drew herself a chair, and Ray followed suit. "What's troubling you?" She took one of his hands in her, warm and comforting. 

"Well… I've become aware of some things you haven't shared with me. I-I want you to know you can trust me," he said, words beginning to tumble out. "I'm sorry I couldn't fulfill what you asked of me and that you had to take matters into your own hands. I shouldn't ha--" 

"Beloved, calm down." She placed a gentle pat on his hand. "I don't understand. What did you find out?" 

"That you personally spoke to the RFA," he said. "And constructed a separate plan. I'm sorry if it seems I don't trust you. I do. I'm just confused. Why undo all we've done?"

When her hand drew away from his, and she rested against the back of her chair, he knew he did something wrong. 

She asked, "How did you learn these things?" 

"I…'' He paused. ''I went over the chat logs and noticed Finn's inactivity. Why keep him away from them?" 

It took a moment, but slowly, slowly, a smile crept over her face. Contorted her features until she was beaming at him. "I'm sorry, I didn't tell you sooner. I promise that I was going to, only I've been busy, as well." 

Her head flicked to the side, and he followed her gaze to the bathroom door. The room had gone silent. 

‘’Oh, um... did I interru--’’ 

She returned her attention to him, going on as if he never spoke, "I felt like what we were doing wasn't accomplishing enough. If you had been there, I would have consulted you, but you're aware of why I didn't." 

"Yes…" 

"But, it didn't go as I hoped, either. Finn is quite difficult, and the situation is more delicate than I'd like it to be. Fortunately, a third opportunity has come our way, and oh, Ray." She grasped his hand, peered right into him. "I have such high hopes for this." 

He swallowed his hesitance. She was right that the situation was delicate; nothing could be stable with eight minds, each thinking something different. But he thought everything was going smoothly, albeit at a slower pace. 

Tone careful, he asked, "What opportunity?" He jumped when something slammed in the bathroom, and her smile grew mischievous. 

"You'll see." 

Those words were growing ominous, hiding what he needed to be prepared to face. But even if she had told him, nothing would have prepared him for what—who—walked out of the bathroom—their opportunity, with damp hair and eyes full of surprise. 

It felt like something was pulling him down, trying to get him to sink to his knees and scream, but panic kept him up. Making his pulse blare in his ears and his body act on its own. He stood, missing the table with his knees by an inch, and faced the man, the devil, in front of him. 

And he dared hiss his name. "V."

❤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  
> i didn't want to clutter up the first note  
> but  
> saeran is finally getting his after ending!  
> unfortunately, i havent been able to play the game for a while due to lack of memory, so of course, i won't be able to play his AE, but i'm looking forward to seeing peoples' reactions and all the new art  
> sad to think this is the end of all the routes (rip vanderwood fans), but cheritz doesn't usually disappoint, so i'm excited to see what else they have in store


	30. You'll Never be Known

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just so nobody is confused, this chapter takes place on the same day as the last chapter  
> it'll be like this for the next two, as well

At the table in my room, I sit, my knees to my chest. Placed in front of me is my sketchbook. The drawing on display mocks me, and I allow it.

I should've run. 

Right when I left that last step, I should've run for the trees, the wall I thought was so impenetrable until then. 

But I didn't.

He was mere feet away from me; he could've reached out and grabbed me by the collar before I could get more than four steps in. He knew it, I knew it, that's why I was able to go out at all.

I really wish one of us was stupid. That way, maybe I would've tried to run, and maybe he would've dared to let his guard down.

Unable to stomach the drawing any longer, I close my sketchbook and slide it to the other end of the table. The force I send it away with almost brings the vase of dead flowers crashing to the floor. Said flowers haven't been replaced in a while since Ray's attention to anything but his duties have dwindled. But it's not as if I've asked, either.

Untucking my legs, I stand and trudge to my bed. It welcomes me, all eye-watering flowery scent and cloud-like plushness, and I breathe a deep sigh into the covers.

Why I even bothered staring at the drawing for who knows how long was because I couldn't help but think about how easily I returned to my room. Like a good dog told to perform a trick. I tried to reason with myself for some time, to say to myself that I couldn't have done anything else. That I don't need to be defiant, I just need to hang on. But then I zoned out.

I'm becoming comfortable with this place. With him. And the part of me that isn't so insistent on defending my actions is completely fine with that. I'm alone and ignorant, and I have no control; I need someone. Something tells me Ray needs someone too.

I shift to my back and stare up at the ceiling, covers in my fists. An eye sits beside my thoughts, haunting my mind. It's something I've seen too many times and in too many places. The moment I tilted my head back and saw it glaring down at me, I remembered where I'd seen it first.

Around the time I joined the RFA, I'd finally gotten the hang of my job at the library. I knew where most things were, I could talk to patrons without stuttering, and I'd nearly perfected the art of book balancing. Shortly after, we began receiving a regular visitor. That was nothing out of the ordinary. Until it was. They had a strange sense of routine, always sitting at the same spot, reading hefty history books no one ever touched. A mask covered their lower face though flu season had passed a month ago, and they sported a unique tattoo on their right arm. But from the day they showed up to the day they never returned, they caused no trouble at all. I had more important things to think about than a strange stranger; I was still settling into the country, the RFA, and moving into Rika's apartment. So slowly, it slipped my mind.

Until an hour ago, of course.

The horror and confusion that gripped me were almost unbearable; I'm not sure how I kept my face steady. All I could think about was the possibility of it being a coincidence or not. If I was overreacting and being paranoid. I tossed it all aside, leaving it to process later. And now, as I'm lying in my bed, I can't help but feel it wasn't a coincidence. I was new to the country, vulnerable, and associated with people Rika knows very, very well. I basically had a target on my back, and she'd be more than willing to hit the mark.

Everything around me, I wonder how Rika influenced it. My life suddenly feels much more out of my control than it already is. I want to question her, but all I can hope is that she'll be in the mood for tea soon. And that her choice of company will be me.

I roll on my side and prop myself up with an elbow, glancing at my nightstand. My phone lies there, its surface reflecting the ceiling. Undoubtedly, it has no life left, and I don't bother paying it any more mind as I slide to the edge of my bed. Feet flat against the floor, I consider the space around me. Even without panic in my system, nothing about it has changed; it's still pink and frilly, a mind-numbing cage. 

Though, maybe something _has_ changed. 

The door no longer locks, and if I were to be so bold, I could step out whenever I please. But I'm compliant, hesitant of consequences—a good boy. 

Instead of turning the tempting, golden knob, I return to the table and wait for someone to come to me. I'd let my sketchbook humor me if a particular page was still blank. So, I slouch over the table and bury my face in my arms. Against the wood, everything is echoed; every little movement I make sends a sound ripping through the grains. My breath is reflected at me, hot, and I close my eyes.

* * *

The force I come back into focus with tells me I must've dozed off, and when I look up, I realize I'm right. Against my door, clutching his heaving chest, is Ray. 

He was not there before. 

Panic flushes through me and brings me from bleary-eyed to wide awake, and I rush to him.

"Finn," he gasps out. His back hits the door with a slam. 

"Ray, what happened? What's wrong?" 

He shakes his head, a violent back-forth motion that disturbs his hair and sends it into his eyes. He gasps for air. 

"I-I feel like..."

"You feel like what?"

"Like I'm going to—going to fall," he finishes. 

"Okay. Alright.'' I put a hesitant hand on his shoulder, afraid he might fall out there and then. ''Do you want to sit down?" 

He nods a few seconds later, like my words were delayed in reaching his ears. When he doesn't react to or reject my hand on his, I lead him away from the door. His fingers tremble, and even as I help him settle down on the edge of the bed, he doesn't loosen his hold.

"Better?" I ask. 

Shaking his head, he fists his shirt and clenches his eyes. He clasps my hand tighter when I try to pull away and sit beside him. 

"Don't—" He pulls in a quick, shallow breath. "Don't go anywhere." The terrified face he has on, one filled with unrestrained desperation, claws me across the chest.

He's afraid.

"I'm not." The bed hardly makes a sound as I settle down beside him. "I'm here," I tell him. "Can you tell me what's wrong?" 

He slouches over as his back begins to shake, and his hand finally leaves mine to cover his face. To hide his tears. His reply comes out muffled. "No." 

"Alright." Without much thought, I run my hand up and down his back, an attempt at comforting him. "Just breathe, okay? Deep breaths." He gives no response, but I know he hears because slowly, slowly, he begins to settle. The breath in his throat no longer rips out. He unshields the side of his face. And even though his back still trembles in the slightest, his tears are gone.

"There you go," I tell him, moving my hand from his back to his knee. When he doesn't react, I lean towards him to get a glimpse of his face. His calm has gone from even to stagnant. ''Ray?"

He lurches forward. 

Stumbling to his feet, he gasps like he's emerged from water. I spring up, startled, and he whirls around to face me. Eyes blown wide and flooded with panic, he's back to clutching his chest. 

''C-careful, sit back do—''

"Don't," he swats at my outstretched hand, "fucking touch me." 

I scramble back as he sinks to his knees and fists his hair, swearing through his clenched teeth. 

Something in me tells me to run, get away, to not wait until he's back on his feet. But I can't bring myself to move. Not while he looks like he does. Like I could kick him down, and he wouldn't get back up. I can't even feel disgusted with myself when the tremor in my chest races at the thought. 

Groaning, he plants a hand against the floor and attempts to rise on shaky legs. He manages, but not without a bit of stumbling. I move aside when he approaches my bed and throws his weight down onto it. 

He mutters something I can't catch.

Hesitant, I keep quiet.

"Pain killers," he snaps. I jump. "Do you have any?"

"No..."

He heaves a deep sigh before leaning forward, rubbing at his face. Despite the obvious pain he's in, he musters up whatever spite for me he has inside himself and glances my way. His eyes slide me up and down as if he's never seen me before. I can just feel the caustic comment about to leave his mouth, but the pain must be enough to dilute him. He leans back and lies against the bed without a word.

I pull out a chair, the one closest to the door, and take a seat, keeping my hands in my lap. Like he anticipates the question on my tongue, he shifts his head to look at me.

"You're here," he mutters. Unsure of what he means, I keep quiet. "Don't you have something else to do?" For once, I can't find any venom in his voice.

"I... can't exactly leave."

He huffs—something he clearly regrets a second later—and shuts his eyes. I watch him, his stillness and silence breeding apprehension in my gut. But when I decide it's okay to look away, I settle down and rid myself of my last fragments of panic. I wonder about Ray and what put him in such a state. Nothing good comes to mind, I just can't keep myself from thinking the worst, so I chalk it up to him being overwhelmed. 

Finally, at the point where he could no longer handle it, so someone else stepped forward. Someone I'd rather not be watching over.

Seeing him unmoving, without a scowl, is strange; I can't help but wonder what he's thinking. What his pain must feel like, and if I think he deserves it. With a sigh that won't reach his ears, I lean forward on the table and rest my cheek against the surface. No. I'm not sure if I'll be able to ever entirely hate him, not someone who has been so wronged by the world. In a way, I pity him. But I'm not hoping for anything, not hoping that he'll change or I'll change him. I'm only trying to understand.

As morning turns to noon, the room silent, him still, I lower my guard and close my eyes. People I'd rather not think about enter my mind as faded faces, as if I'm teasing myself, holding a bone out of my own reach. I've thought about them before. All the things I hoped I could say to them, the things I wish I said. They were once comforting, now they're a bother. Something I should keep out of my mind to make it all easier for myself. 

When the bed creaks, I'm thrown out of my thoughts. He meets my stare with his own, one devoid of emotion; I don't know what he's thinking. 

I rub at my face. "Um, how—how are you feeling?" 

A sigh and his eyes finally dart away. He props himself up on his elbow. "It's just a headache." 

"Alright…" 

His attention returns to me, an accusing glare. "What?"

"Nothing." 

He might have rolled his eyes, but he lets the weight off his arm and falls to his back, and I can't see his face under his hair. The huff he releases ruffles it, and he turns his head to face me.

"Stop staring." 

"Sorry." Though I'm now looking down at my hands, I can tell he doesn't follow his own words.

"Do you just do what everyone asks of you?"

"You should know," I mutter.

He sits up, quick and angry. The way he winces shows he regrets it. "If I knew, I wouldn't have asked." His scowl doesn't last long; he grows quiet and seemingly stares off into space. I can't help but think about how easy it would be to get away from him, but he's hardly the worst thing standing in my way.

"How long has it been?" he suddenly asks. "Since you got here?"

"I'm... not sure."

He flinches and presses at the side of his head. "Too long, I bet," he grumbles.

"It's only been about four days since I saw you."

His face scrunches up, and he looks at me like I'm the strangest thing he's ever seen. "Has been a hell lot longer than that." Then his expression melts. Something that's a grimace but yet not quite crosses his mouth, and he says, "Oh."

I have to stare at him, confused, for a moment longer before the realization hits me. "Oh."

_He_ likely would've smirked at my realization, feigned being offended that I didn't recognize him. But the person in front of me hardly shows much emotion at all. I'm almost relieved until I remember I'm treading on the unknown.

When he works his way to his feet, I do the same. He starts for the door, flinching and pressing at his head. With his hand against the door, he barely glances at me as he says, "Come on." He begins to walk away, seemingly not concerned with whether I actually follow or not. Keeping in my questions, I jog to catch up with him. I get an idea of where we're going after a few turns. 

He stops at his door and flings it open. "Close it," he tells me, dropping his weight into a chair. I do as he asked before settling against the wall and glancing at the trashbin in the corner. I'll never miss this place.

He doesn't waste any time picking up his near incessant rhythm of typing. "Fill me in."

"What?"

"Fill me in on what's been happening with you."

I tuck my hands into my pockets and sigh. "Couldn't you ask Rika?"

"Do I need to ask again?" 

I stay quiet just to see if he'll answer his own question.

He doesn't.

"Fine."

Like where most stories dawn, I start at the beginning. For the sake of keeping it short, and maybe a bit for myself, too, I leave out the more in-depth details. All the while, he stares at his screen, and I occasionally catch a bit of his face. Only his eyes move. When I get to the part where I have to talk about Rika, he frowns.

He says, "Well, you clearly don't value your life."

"You know, you're ruining your first impression."

Finally, he looks away from his screen, rolling back and twisting around to face me. "That ended a while ago. And I don't think it was too impressive, either."

I hide the smirk his self-depreciation gets out of me, but not too much. 

He scoffs and rises from his chair. "You can go now."

"Wait." He brushes past me but stops outside. "What--what can I call you?"

He studies me with untrusting eyes as I slip out of the room. Like he thinks I can do something with his name besides calling him it. Then he huffs and runs a hand through the mess of his hair.

"That's it? Out of everything I could tell you, you want to know my _name?_ "

I would tell him he should be grateful for that, but I'm not yet sure what exactly I'd get in return for that comment.

Because I don't respond, he gives another one of his exasperated sighs and begins to walk off. At first, I think he's not going to answer me, but he pauses. "You can call me Saeran."

Then he walks away. 

This time, I don't return to my room.

❤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and then there were three


	31. Good Morning, Shitshow.

Saeran dropped his weight into his chair, its metal wheels clacking against the floor.

The lingering ache in his head warned him to slow down, but he could deal with a little discomfort. There were more pressing matters. He wasted more time than he'd like to admit trying to return to his room. To the cramped, cold space with the light that stung his eyes, Finn tailing behind him. It felt like forever since Saeran stepped foot in there, even though he didn't know how many days he'd lost.

Finn placed himself near the door as Saeran rolled up to his desk. At a press of a key, the monitors awoke from their light slumber, and he began scouring through Ray's work. Nothing seemed out of place, though he picked up a few side projects while Saeran was out. The redhead had also started to bother them, but it appeared he ceased his pestering.

Or at least slowed down.

This left Saeran suspicious, which led him to the messenger. He began at where he left off, the last day he remembered checking off on his calendar. It was the night of the party, and he was waiting for information on the team sent to the Savior's apartment, per her request. However, that's where his memory ended, and he had to rely on the messenger to fill in the blanks. Apparently, the task was successful, because a day later, the damage done was revealed to everyone.

Saeran knew the Savior's intention with what she asked, but he wondered if the RFA did. He didn't exactly have logs of their physical discussions.

Fortunately, after a few insignificant chat rooms, he came across one he'd been anticipating. Everything was confessed, about the Savior and V. The traitor didn't even show up to defend himself, leaving the rich guy to handle it. After that, Finn was absent for some time, and Saeran assumed that was because he'd been brought to Magenta. Then he must have gotten permission to use his phone because there he was again. They were all eager to gather information and make a plan, but Finn seemed hesitant. Saeran then turned to the man himself, and Finn began to recite the past.

His words confirmed all of Saeran's suspicions, but there had to be more. He left to hunt the Savior down. He had many questions to ask her, and as he made his way through the building, many to ask himself. He lost control at such a pivotal moment. Most of the time, he could almost feel when Ray was restless. It took years for Saeran to even be aware of him, whatever he really was, and Saeran still had a hard time telling the difference between his emotions and Ray's. But he could swear he never felt Ray at all before the memories just stopped. There were inklings of experiences and thoughts and emotions here and there, but they were only fragments of a shattered picture.

He didn't like it. He didn't like it at all, the feeling of being ignorant and out of control, the thought that something so small could send him to that place he couldn't even see.

He remembered a particularly awful time, brought on by who-knows-what. He couldn't recall anymore. It left him scrambled, disconnected from himself and stuck in some corner for an inscrutable amount of time. He didn't know who he was, what he was thinking, whose hands he was looking at. And there was no helping it, the loss of time, the forgetfulness, the disconnect from himself.

He hated it.

His haste to get down the stairs threw his hair into his face, and he swatted it away, only for it to resettle over his eyes as he stumbled on the last step. After catching himself from tumbling to his knees, he took in a breath and steadied his pace. There were other things to focus on.

When he made it to her door, he knocked. No hesitation. It sounded loud and clear, unmistakable, and not to be ignored. The door creaked open to reveal Rika. She wore a shocked expression, which melted to one of subtle amusement as she considered him.

"Savior, I'm sorry to intrude, but there are some things I'd like to ask."

Her small smile grew wider, and she pulled the door open further without words. Saeran stepped inside, and she asked, "How can I help you?"

"I'd like to ask a few questions.''

"About what, exactly?"

"Your actions."

She stepped away from the door, and he followed her with his eyes as she walked off to his side. "Oh, there's an easy explanation for that." He turned around to face her, to see that she was in front of the balcony door, hand poised on the handle. "Would you like to know?"

He nodded, expecting an explanation. Something verbal. Instead, she opened the balcony door before he could speak, revealing the horror behind it.

A man seated at a small table gazed into the distance, regardless of whether he could see. A man whose unnatural blue hair shifted in the wind. A man who turned his head ever so slowly, like he knew exactly who was watching. Their gazes locked, and Saeran couldn't move, a deer in headlights. He thought V might have spoken, thought he saw his lips move, but it didn't matter if he did. Nothing he said was ever worth anything.

"Saeran, it's alright," the Savior's words managed to get past the blood drumming in his ears. She leaned in close to whisper her next words, "He'll be helping us accomplish our goals."

"No, you—you said he--"

She drew back and gave him a stern look as if daring him to challenge her further. "People change."

"Not him.''

"Saeran." She gripped his shoulders, forced him to look her in the eye. "This is my decision. This is what's best. I know it makes you uncomfortable, but think about it from a different perspective." Her thumb grazed over his cheek. He flinched. "Don't you want to accomplish your goals? What matters more, you, or Mint Eye?"

He couldn't handle it, that the man he'd been taught to detest was mere feet away from him. That the man the Savior had sworn and screamed over was now the solution to their problems. He couldn't believe it.

Someone had to be talking to him, but he couldn't make sense of what they were saying. Nothing felt right. He was lightheaded. Every movement he made was wrong. All he could do was think about how afraid he was, how angry he was because of his fear. And, yet again, it was something he couldn't do anything about. The Savior's words were indubitable.

He had to exist in the same world as this traitor, this man, V.

Sharp pain in his shoulders brought his eyes back to focus, back to looking into the Savior's gaze. Her nails were the sting he felt, but her face was soft. He recognized the shape of his name on her lips as she took one of his hands in hers. Instead of walking, it felt more like she was tugging him along as she led him to sit down at her table.

"This is what's best," she repeated, standing at his side, and he stared down at the table. He didn't believe it. "There are things I can't say to you right now, so have patience." She brought her hand down to his chin and tilted his gaze up. "I'd like you to listen to what V has to stay." There were half-uttered words of refusal on his tongue, but anticipating his aversion to the idea, she cut him short. ''V, come in here.''

At her call, the traitor crawled in from the cold and stood out of Saeran's sights. He didn't want to look at him, didn't know what he would do if he saw his face again.

"You should chat with Saeran. Why don't you have a seat?"

Saeran spat out, "No. I don't want to look at him."

"Saeran…"

Not for the first time did he hear that voice say his name, full of pity. He hadn't spoken to V in years, and of course, the first thing that would come out of the traitor's mouth was that.

"Don't," he growled and took the front of his suit in his fist. His grip around his clothes trembled, and he focused on it. He needed to stay, to hear what lies and excuses V had come up within their time apart. Maybe he'd perfected his art. Maybe Saeran would believe him again.

"Okay… I won't… I won't go there," V began. "I'm sure you're wondering why I'm here. Truthfully, I'd meant only to talk to Rika. I'm sorry you… had to see me."

Saeran made no effort to respond. He'd heard it over and over. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

"V, if I knew you were going to stray from the point, I would have explained myself." The voice she used to address V was one familiar to Saeran. A cold glare usually accompanied it. She was pleased about his presence, his use for something Saeran wasn't aware of yet, but clearly, she didn't want to see him either.

"I… apologize. The root of it is that I came here to ask you to let Finn go. He doesn't deserve to be caught up in all of this. It's all beyond him. He might as well be a passerby." Saeran finally brought his eyes up from the table and to his Savior. She was studying him, as well. He knew whatever was in her mind was keeping V out of that dark place deep down under Magenta. "And Rika--"

She cut him off, "No, stop right there. I will not listen to you spew those delusions again. You know I'm being quite welcoming to you, V, yes?" She stepped away from Saeran's vision, and he returned his attention to the table. "May I not need to remind you of where I almost put you when my guards brought you to me."

"Rika--"

"Enough," she snapped. "I'm calling my guards, and they will return you to your room." Without further discussion, she left her room, leaving Saeran and V alone.

The moment the clack of her heels dimmed, Saeran was staring into V's dull gaze. "Get away from me," he barked, clumsily escaping his seat.

"Saeran, please listen to me. Before she comes back."

"Listen to you?" He put the table between them. A pathetic attempt at a cruel laugh left his lips. ''You don't even know what you're saying half the time.''

"I know you hate me. I deserve that much. But just as I have told lies, Rika has, as well. What you know is not what it seems. Saeyoung never left you."

A table wasn't enough. Slamming his hands over his ears and blocking out the world wasn't enough. While this man was still here, the unstable mixture of emotions inside Saeran would not settle. Fear and rage, a dangerous concoction he desperately wanted to act on.

"Don't say that, don't say his fucking name."

"I know you've been told otherwise time and time again, but it's true. He never left you. It was my fault. He doesn't even know you're here. He thinks you're safe."

Saeran whirled around and put his back to V, tearing his hands through his hair. "Shut up! Just close your damn mouth for once!"

"He loves you, Saeran."

That was it. The string that was growing thinner and thinner finally snapped apart. Saeran spun around with a terrible snarl on his face and slammed his hands down on the table. "Who do you think I am?! That naïve, weak kid you met ages ago? Wake up. You're still stuck, chasing after people who don't want you." V flinched as he leaned in. "She doesn't fucking love you anymore, V."

He didn't blink, didn't even seem to breathe. Then, like Saeran never spoke, he went on, "You were never meant to be here." Without breaking his attention from Saeran, he shoved a hand in his pocket and fished around for something. Saeran put some distance back between them, and V pulled out a crumpled piece of paper. When he straightened it out and turned it around, Saeran realized it was a photo. "Look, please. Even in such a horrible home, you were happy. You had dreams."

In the photo were two young boys, all bright, red hair and smiles. Two pairs of amber eyes, one framed by glasses. He knew who he was looking at, but it was wrong, all wrong. There was nothing he could pull from his memory and attach to the photo, and it was too much. His back hit the wall, and his legs shook. It returned, the fuzziness. V's words grew far away. Saeran didn't care anymore; he wanted it to stop. Nothing was real anymore.

* * *

Time passed without reason; one thing or another wouldn't make it cease.

This was why Saeran found himself in the middle of the halls, alone, a cold sweat covering his body. The memory of how he got there was fleeting, and he didn't bother grappling for it. He eased down a flight of stairs to reach a window. The light outside seemed to have hardly shifted. At that moment, he didn't care how much time had passed. He was just relieved V was out of his sight.

Unfortunately, that didn't mean V ceased to exist.

He was lurking somewhere in Magenta, as was the Savior, and Saeran was determined to find her.

Misfortune clung to V like a bad stain, and he had no place leaving tracks in their castle.

❤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm a bit conflicted with this chapter, but that might just be because i looked it over for too long lol  
> we now have triple the trouble, v is being v, and saeran really needs a hug
> 
> in advance, have a happy holiday and remember to stay safe! :)


	32. Another Day, Another Threat to My Existence.

Fear.

That's what I saw in _him_ when he was looming above me. What I saw in Seven that night in the parking lot. It looked so similar on both of them, seeing an emotion I never thought could cross their faces. It makes me wonder what it looks like on me as I wander the halls. They've almost become familiar to me, all the poised tables and flowers and the flickering lights. It's a fact I dread to think about. 

Only hours have passed since Ray came rushing through my door, and Saeran guided me out, yet it feels like this day has stretched on for an eternity. If I had returned to my room, I'm sure it would've. Walking cures my restlessness, and the thought of my destination eases my thoughts. I would explore if there still wasn't a knife to my throat. But since I've only read a few pages of this place, I walk the familiar path to the glass garden doors. 

I'm only reminded of Ray's words to me as I pass through them, about how Rika frequents the garden. Instinctively, my gaze goes up, and I consider the clouds past my billowing breath.

Maybe the cold will keep her away. 

Echoing my memories, I tread over the swirling stones and under the trellis until I reach the stone bench. Sitting on it alone, it feels too big for one. There's a whole list of people in my head that I'd consider having next to me, but there's no point dwelling on it. 

In fact, as I tilt my head back and let out a huff, I realize there's no point to any of this. The flowers can't tell me what I don't know; letting the sky sting my eyes isn't going to fix my problems. But scouring the building for Rika and demanding she let me go, and to end all of this, would probably wield the same results. 

Besides, I'm not that careless. 

I guess I've developed a go-with-the-flow attitude--if the flow is continuously slowing down and speeding up, thrown in one direction, then another. And exactly how I can direct it, I'm not sure. Everyone moves too fast. Even as I'm out here, I'm pulled into another current with just a few words. 

"Relaxing, isn't it?" Her voice, though soft, is unwelcome. She rounds a bush, trailing her fingers along the twigs, and stops a few feet away. She smiles her too-perfect smile, and I rise from the bench. Seems the cold doesn't deter her, after all. 

"It… depends," I respond. 

Her smile grows, and she tilts her head, humoring me. "It depends? Well, I suppose we all see things differently," she says and begins to close the distance between us. However, she turns her attention to a bare bush, trailing one of its thinner limbs. "I can guess why you're here, though. I used to come here a lot. In the beginning."

"In the beginning.'' 

"Yes," she says. "Before I was sure what I was doing was right, was worth all the effort." She presses her fingers around the limb she's chosen, and it snaps. Turning away from the bush, she looks back at me and rolls the twig between her fingers. "But then I realized it doesn't matter. I'd already gone so far, and someone is always going to disagree with you, and it can't be yourself. Conflict within yourself, it'll only distract you, lead you astray." She drops the twig to her feet and brushes her hand against her clothing. "Perhaps," she stands in front of me now, "this is why you're here, alone."

"You can think what you like," I tell her. "Pretend to be hopeful, but I know you already know why." 

"Oh, Finn. Always so unpleasant. Even though I've found you breaking our agreement once again, you're so hostile." She turns, so I'm looking at her side. Flicks her hair over her shoulder. Before going on, she glances at me, giving me a feigned look of pity. "I'm beginning to believe that you're stupid, not that you simply don't care for yourself. Why can't we have a conversation?" 

Because nothing is ever simple with her, never as she says it is. 

Most people can paint a face, but she does it so well. A snake shedding its skin for each situation. It makes talking to her a task of overthinking, wondering why she said what she did, or answered the questions she did.

"If you thought I was stupid, you wouldn't keep me locked up."

"I haven't locked your door and thrown away the key. You're under supervision." 

"Same thing." 

She lets out a little sigh. "I suppose now is a good time to tell you about the party preparations. Or rather, the completion of them." She turns and circles me, and I follow her movements, backing away as she sits down on the bench. 

"Why, are you going to tell me I'm not invited?" 

She ignores my sarcasm and says, "The exact opposite, actually. You're an esteemed guest." 

Great.

"I'm not exactly in the partying mood." 

"Attendance is mandatory," she says. "Besides, you have a week to get into the spirit." 

"What about my inception?" 

"Ah, you haven't forgotten about that, have you?" 

"No."

Of course not.

She looks off, leaving a moment of silence between us. Then she slowly drags her eyes back towards me. "You know," she starts, "I've been thinking about you, about how I can make this easier for both of us. I spent nights thinking, and nothing came to me. Until… it did. Right to my doorstep, he showed up as if I called him myself." She pauses after this, lets her words settle to the ground. Waits to see if I have anything to say. 

I don't. I don't want to imagine who _'he'_ is. 

She goes on, "Perhaps having something in front of you will get you to open your eyes." Her abrupt rise from the bench makes me flinch. "Not a distant threat. One that doesn't make you underestimate me." She walks away, and I watch her long, blonde hair sway as she does. It sweeps over her shoulder when she turns to motion me after her. 

If only she knew. 

I follow her, and she leads me through where I have never trod. All brown and death. Dead, dead, dead. 

His hair sticks out in it all, an eyesore. 

When he lifts his heavy head to look at me, I wonder what he sees. Because what I see in him is guilt, astonishment, a guise that his fatigue is never-ending. A thousand questions swarm around in my head, and my rage buzzes through me. Makes me stay still in my spot so I don't do something careless. 

" _Bastard,_ " I spit at him, but like a child too eager to pet a hissing cat, he draws nearer. 

"Finn," he says, quiet yet filled with some sort of amazement. Like he can't fathom I'm in front of him. I can't do the same, either. "How… are you?" 

"That's the first thing you say to me?" 

He doesn't respond, and I watch him tug at his collar like it's too hot out. 

Then I remember Rika is behind me. 

She catches my eye when I glance her way, and for once, she doesn't smile. Like she's waiting for something, and my anger has to make room for suspicion. 

I whip my attention back to V and ask, "Why are you here?"

"I'm sorry, Finn. I--" 

"No, stop. Enough apologizing. I just want an answer." 

Rika steps in now, standing beside me, us a wall against V. It feels wrong, and I step away. We make a strange triangle, each point with its own motives, and I don't know any of them. 

"V is here to plead for forgiveness," Rika says, and for the first time, I see a glare on her that isn't directed towards me. "Isn't that right? He came all by himself." 

His focus, which had been on the ground, darts up to her. He opens his mouth, but what he wants to exclaim never comes out.

"You came _alone?_ You _knew_ where I was?" 

"No, no!" he says. "I came alone because… well, for the same reasons you're here right now." His head goes limp. "I didn't want to involve anybody else." 

"That speaks a thousand words, doesn't it?" Rika approaches him and takes his hand in her own. He flinches, surprised, but doesn't tear their gazes apart. "It says that you think you can do anything. That maybe rather than selfless, you're arrogant." Her already steely face grows colder, and she scowls right in his. 

"Rika," he gasps out, trying to pull away from her. 

She digs her nails into him and goes on, "But do you see where you are, V? For once, you can't control your destiny. You have no power." 

He refuses to push back at her, and the backs of his legs hit another stone bench. He stumbles back, slamming down onto the stone, and gapes up at her. 

"Here, you are just a fool." She whirls to me before I can yell her name. "You're both trying so hard to grab ahold of something miles away from you.'' She turns back to V, brings a hand down to cup his cheek. The face she has on as she does this, it's one I'm unable to discern from real or fake. "Don't you think it's time to give up? You aren't in control here," she says. "It's an illusion you have to let go to be happy. And well, look at what it brings you." With her free hand, she gestures to V. "You came without being called. How lucky am I?" Then she drops her hand and struts past me, and like she tripped a wire, three guards appear from where she stood. V can barely stand, shout her name, before they grip him by the arms, and begin to usher him further into the garden. 

When I spin around to find her, she's already gone. But there's still a smudge of blue behind all the brown, and I start for it. V doesn't bother struggling against the arms that drag him along. It's a sad and hopeless image, one I can do nothing about because Rika is right. We're fools here.

I've stopped, eyes to a nick in the winding stone, but the third guard breaks off from V and grips me by the arms. He pushes me back. I don't resist. I'm already farther back than he'll ever be able to shove me.

Rika sits on the stone bench, waiting. For this. For me. For my will to finally crumble.

But I'm stubborn, and that's my stupidity.

"What are you doing with him?" I snap at her. 

"Oh, but I thought you were so displeased to see him." She glances down at her nails. "Doesn't this make you happy?" 

"Enough with the bullshit." 

"Fine, no need to be so vulgar." She stands. "But I thought I already told you. About what will make things easier for us." All it takes is for her to say that, add in one little coy smile, and I get it. 

Of course, she's using V against me. Of course. Like she said herself, I don't care enough. So she went ahead and made me. 

Or V did.

Now each move I'll dare to make will affect not one person but two.

My shoulders go loose. "We had a deal." 

"Yes, had. Besides, V came to me on his own, did he not? It'd be impolite to turn him away." She pats my cheek, and I set my jaw. The image of biting down on her fingers is tempting to bring to fruition.

"They won't sit still anymore if they know you have V, too," I say.

"Oh, I know. That's not something for you to worry your pretty little head about." She's just pushing it now, and I'm more than glad when she finally walks away. "Take him back to his room," she says. The guard mutters an acknowledgment, but we don't move. She glances over her shoulder. ''Oh, and Finn, don't worry. You can visit him any time you'd like," she tells me. "But in which way, that's up to you." 

A parting threat, then I'm watching her blonde hair bounce again, walk away to meet a flash of white that suddenly appears behind the brambles. Before I can make sense of who I'm seeing, I'm spun around and ushered down the path V was taken.

The guard is quiet; his hefty fingers do most of the talking. Stabbing and digging and pushing and pulling. Guiding me like I don't know where my cage is by now.

It's under strange circumstances, but a memory from my childhood rushes to the forefront of my thoughts.

I was thirteen and huddled in one of those plastic tubes on the school playground. It was red turned pink by the weather and the sun, and the inside was full of stickers and crayon drawings. I had my knees to my chest, and I was crying because that's just what I did. I was a crybaby. Picked out and picked on because my eyes were always watery, and my bones jutted out but refused to grow.

I made everyone feel a little bit bigger.

Teachers called my name, but I didn't crawl out of my tube. For once, I wasn't crying because of what someone did to me, but what I did to someone else.

I had my very own vigilante of bullies, the same reoccurring faces, overused insults, and teasing words. A trio of trouble. They bothered me like it was their pastime, something they could do when bored. But I could stand it as long as I had somewhere to run and hide afterward.

I was in the tube that day because I didn't run when they pulled at my shirt and kicked my shins. 

I bit back, right into one of their eyes. 

My dad's words were the only thing I could think of when they started screaming. When I started screaming. He told me to fight back, to tuck my thumb against my knuckles and go for where I knew it would hurt. 

But my dad was gone, so I hid. 

Away from the teachers, from the call to my aunt, from the insults that swam around in my head. I wished I could hide from myself.

I want to do the same now--just vanish and sit somewhere small and quiet. But it's a problem when what you're trying to run from is also the only place you can hide.

All the way back to my room, I keep my head low and try not to envision what's happening in the underbelly of Magenta. I try to pretend the screams I've heard were just my imagination. And when I enter my room, empty and quiet, it feels like the day finally ends.

❤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't believe the next time i post will be in 2021...
> 
> well, good riddance 2020 ✌️


	33. Self Pity. Something I'd Go Hungry Without.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Suicidal ideation, descriptions of death

It's raining.

Even under my covers, hands clamped over my ears, I can hear the chime of raindrops hitting glass. It began early in the morning, just pinpricks, like needles stabbing at the windows, but it's yet to relent. Morning has come and gone, and still, my room is dim. Though granted, I haven't drawn my curtains open. The echo of Rika's words is at the front of my mind, blaring like a broken radio. V's face accompanies it, sullen and defeated. They keep me anchored to bed.

I'm reliving my early days here, waiting for someone to make a move for me. The person who often does this is gone, and I don't know when he's going to return. A part of me is certain Saeran detests me for no other reason than I exist, though I don't exactly have any proof. We spent only a few minutes together, but I don't think I'll be seeing him today.

That might be a good thing.

Thunder rumbles right behind my head. I feel it in my stomach. Peeling my covers off the upper half of my body, I shift back to rest against the headboard and glare up at the ceiling. An ache stretches from my knees to my feet, a symptom of spending too much time in one position. I've shifted my legs every which way, and they still feel sore. At some point, I'll have to get up. The taste of my own mouth is becoming overbearing, and I can almost hear the sink faucet running in my head.

I slip down the headboard and fall to my side, parting the hair out my eyes with a huff. Without really admitting it to myself, I watch the door, wait for it to open. It's not that I want a random visitor, someone whose face I can't even see; it's that I need an excuse to get up. V has been consuming my mind, the real or false images of what might be happening to him tugging me between being a coward or walking out the door. The whole situation makes me quite literally sick to my stomach. And that, above all else, is what gets me out of bed.

Careful not to jostle my head lest I spill my guts all over the floor, I shuffle to the bathroom. A little white, plastic cup sits by the faucet, and I hold it under the stream until it fills. The water has a sharp taste to it, metallic, like licking a papercut. Despite this and the objections from my stomach, I down another cup to soothe the cracks in my lips. Leaving the faucet running, I lean back and stare myself in the eye. A minuscule amount of time can make a massive difference. It's like I'm not even the same person anymore. 

I feel so... _severed._

My eyes move, and I can feel my pulse blare in the spot where my stomach throbs, but when I watch myself clench my fingers, it's like they aren't mine. Whoever I was before this sits in the back of my head, pulling at the strings that make my limbs work. And there's no urgency in me to regain that control.

Sink still on to drown out the porcelain echo of the entire room, I clamber into the bathtub and shut my eyes. A part of me expected it to be warm, but the smooth, cold surface bleeds through my shirt and chills my back. I sink down further. The faucet catches my eye as I stretch my foot to rest beside it. It distorts my body and turns me golden, and my foot is so dangerously near to pushing it down and sending water running out. At that moment, I wonder what it's like to drown. If Rika would disapprove of me getting water on her pretty, pristine floors. Then I remember it wasn't Rika who designed this room, but Ray. Sweet, confusing Ray, who seems to show what he's thinking too much but still too little. He gives the impression that he'd be sad if I turned the feet of his tub rusty and bled all over the floor.

I see lakes and rivers and pulling, pushing oceans in my head. Then people floating over them, swollen, backs facing the sky. A violent knock gets past the sound of the faucet, but I'm still so wrapped up in my golden reflection that I don't react. No door seems to ever open or close, yet Saeran somehow appears in the doorway. He stares at me, mouth parted. I stare back, hands braced on the tub. And then I vomit onto my feet.

I can't be sure what Saeran does as I'm heaving and gasping for air, but when I exchange choking for quiet, pathetic sobs that I try to restrain, he's turning off the sink. 

"Clean yourself up," is all he murmurs as he leaves the bathroom. There was little emotion to his statement, and he didn't even meet my eyes, yet it hurts in a way I can't explain. 

Once my body is done convulsing, I turn on the tub and rinse everything off, wash it all away.

I walk out of the bathroom with wet feet, tracks on the floor. Saeran sits at the table, head in his hands. A stench takes over my nose, chemical and searing, and this time when I look at him, he meets my eye. Almost immediately, I realize he's dyed his hair, the source of the smell. His pink tips are gone, and the already insistent white of his head seems brighter than before. He averts his eyes as I sit down and suppress the urge to drag my wrist across my nose. I suspect he has something to tell me, but my head feels clogged, and my throat is sore, and I can't think about it too much about what it might be. Besides, he doesn't seem too focused on his surroundings, either. The only indication that he's still aware of the present is the occasional ruffle he'll give his hair. His hand comes back clean each time, no dye in sight. While he fidgets with his hair, I pick up a quick rhythm of hitting my foot against the floor—something to keep me focused, albeit something small. 

He likely only breaks the slightly silent silence to curb my tapping. "Are you sick?" My foot stops a bit too late. His fingers go back through his hair.

"I don't know."

"Well, do you _feel_ sick?" He gives me the most disinterested look I've ever received in my life. Like he wasn't the one who started talking first.

Without the strength in me to be sarcastic, especially with him, I just say, "Yes."

He frowns, the only semblance of emotion I've seen on him today. Sadly, it could mean anything. "I..." he starts, only to taper off. A rush of nausea hits me so forcefully I can't care about what was supposed to come after.

"I'm guessing you don't have any painkillers, either," I say.

Unappreciative of my irony, his frown deepens. I take that as a negative. He goes back to his hair ruffling, and V barrages back into my head. Each sporadic, nearly illogical thought that goes through my mind feels like a hit to the skull. An extra pulse point that's determined to remind me I'm alive every second.

I need to ask Saeran something for my own sake, or I really might just thrust my head underwater to drown it all out. The pulsing and the thoughts.

"Saeran." 

As if I've yanked him by the hair, he whips his head around to look at me. A smudge of distrust dirties his face. "What?"

"Can I ask you for a favor?"

"I'd rather you didn't."

"Please?" When I lean across the table, he leans back, looking away. "I know you're already inconvenienced by coming here, but I really, really need something right now."

Unlike Ray or even _him_ , Saeran seems put off by my blatant desperation, my show of emotion. I'd likely recoil too at the realization, but I spilled my guts in front of him. There's little left of me to hide.

Deciding I have nothing to lose, I add, "I can help you out."

"There's not a lot you can do for me," he grumbles.

"Then I—then will you do it for a friend?"

"We're not friends."

"A fellow Believer."

"You're not a Believer.’’

"Then..." If I could avoid using Rika as an excuse, I would. I don't want to take anything from her, or more than I already have. But Saeran is being stubborn, and I'm tired of being tormented by my own thoughts. "Rika has allowed me permission out as long as I'm supervised. If you won't take me somewhere, then could you at least ask someone else to?"

The distrust falls from his face, his standard expression taking over. "Are you going to keep avoiding telling me where you want to go?"

I swear internally. A part of the problem is that I don't even know where I'm going, to begin with. I hoped he'd pawn me off onto someone else, maybe not someone more willing, but more accustomed, to guide me around.

"The cells," I say, but it's obvious it's more of a question.

He keeps quiet, staring. Then the scowl that fits him so well settles onto his face. "No," he spits, shooting up from his seat.

I stay in my spot. "Please? You don't have to take me, I ca—‘’

"No," he repeats. "No, no. I don't even want to _think_ that you've been near him." He looks me over, disgust rolling off his expression.

It's easy to guess I don't want to go down to the cells to greet random captives, and clearly, Rika shares what's going around Magenta with Saeran. But suddenly, I'm very confused.

"Why is this about V?"

He freezes, only to explode twice as volatile. "Fine. You want to see him? Let's go then." He's out the door before I can even leave my seat. My head and stomach scream to sit back down as I scramble after him, but if I don't follow him now, he's never going to wait up.

"Saeran, wait." He's already disappearing around a corner. I try to chase after him, but my legs wobble like I've just scaled all of Magenta's stairs. Times ten. "Saeran," I call out again, although rather feebly, as I round the corner he took. A relief I'll never express swells in me when I find him waiting there, seeming indifferent as usual.

"Let's go," he says. "I'm not going to wait again."

It's a long way down Magenta, all three stairs. Plus one. The last set is unfamiliar to me. Small with hardly any lighting. Every little sound bounces off the walls, and it's easy to see all the other possible reasons why Saeran didn't want to take me here. He raps the door with his knuckles, the stone humming the sound back to us. Then it goes still, silent. We wait. Approaching footsteps are easy to pick up in the quiet.

Saeran gives me a glance that I return as the door rattles. "Tell them A13," he says. His frown is the last thing I see before I'm ripped inside. 

What I register first isn't the demanding grip on my arm, but the dreary scent of dirt and the pinch of sweat. Then the grip starts to demand more. 

"This way," the guard says, giving me a tug. I'm led down a curving hallway lined with flickering torches that make my shadow flinch. If V wasn't so deeply rooted in my mind, I might've forgotten I'll be in front of the bars, not behind them. 

"Who are you visiting?" the guard asks me as we approach another door.

"A13."

He drops my arm and knocks. "Visitor to A13."

The door swings open, revealing another guard. I wipe the sweat off my brow and step past the frame. A woman is at my side a moment later. Whatever she says to me is drowned out by the slam of the door, but it's an easy guess she wants me to follow. I keep my eyes down as we go, utterly aware there's movement at the sides of my vision.

"Here." She stops at yet another door and wrestles with a set of keys until the lock gives in. But before I can take a single step, she shoots a hand out in front of me. "There's an alarm inside. Set it off if something goes wrong." And right there, I get another taste of Rika's inner mind. It isn't too enjoyable. The woman gives me a small shove, and without a moment to hesitate, in I go. I'm finally alone when the door slams shut.

Though, not truly.

My name is called by a familiar voice. I rush to the bars, the ones he grips onto for dear life. Rust flakes off into my palms as I cling on to the cold metal, desperate to see past the garish light behind my head. 

''Are you alright?'' I ask.

He manages to give me a weary smile. ''I'm well. Don't worry.'' 

I let a huff of relief leave me, and I press my forehead against the bars. ''Good. Good.''

''If anything, I'm a... a bit surprised to see you.''

''Why?''

He sighs and shakes his head. ''I thought, perhaps, you wouldn't want to see me anymore.''

''V, I don't think I can trust you anymore. I don't think I even know what I feel towards you. But you know that doesn't mean I'd ever wish for you to get hurt.''

''Yes.'' He nods. ''I... I know. Still, if I could force you away...''

''Why, V? Why do you insist on going through everything alone? You've already brought too many people into the lies and situations you thought you had under control. And yet a lot of those people still want to help you.''

He shakes his head again, slowly, as if pitying me for being unable to grasp a simple concept. I know he's not. I know. But it angers me deeply.

''I'm trying to let them forget.''

''That's not up to you.''

''You need to be worrying about yourself.''

''I am. That's part of why I came, I...'' _Don't tell him, don't tell him, don't tell him._ ''I couldn't stop thinking after the day in the garden. I was petrified of what might be happening to you, and not even for entirely selfless reasons, either. I thought that if she can do this to you, the former love of her life, what's she going to do to me? She doesn't need me forever. I'm just a piece, and I—I've screwed up so bad, V, so, so bad, I—‘’

He grips my hand just as the last of my breath spills out of me. ''I'm sorry,'' he says.

I nod. He lets go. 

The unease in my gut threatens to spill over; I have to crouch to the floor. V follows me down.

''I'll try to help you in any way I can,'' he tells me. ''I'll tell you what you need to know.'' He juts forward without warning, wraps his frigid hands around mine. I nearly scream. ''But you have to listen to me. Whatever you do, _do not drink the Elixir._ Do you understand?"

Even if it was something I didn't understand, I don't think I could say no. His urgency sends goosebumps across my skin.

''What... what else?''

''Don't try to escape. Wait. Make use of your time. Something is happening, and it's best you wait it out. Luciel and the others will find you.'' He drops his hand from mine and releases a breath just as mine is catching in my throat. ''And Finn, there are many people you cannot trust here. But... Saeran isn't one of them.''

''Saeran?''

''Yes. I know how he can be. I've seen how he's changed, but I believe you can trust him. And if there's anyone you can help, please, help him.''

''Seen how he's changed? V you—do you know him?"

He stands then, brushing off the knees of his pants. ''It's... not my place to say. Just know he's been caught up in this, as well. He doesn't belong here, either.'' 

I crane my neck back to look him in the eye. My sense of trust has been shaken and tossed around ever since the night of the party. V has taken on many different roles in my head. A villain, a victim. But I believe he wouldn't tell me to do something if he thought it was wrong. And even if it is, I have judgment of my own. 

''Okay,'' I relent to myself. ''I'll try.''

He smiles. ''Thank you.''

I rise to my feet, gripping the bars as support. Some parts of me are starting to water down and turn to sludge. ''Is there anything I can do to help you?''

''Stay safe,'' he says. ''You know the reason she's keeping me here, but if it comes to it, you—‘’

''No.''

''Finn...''

''No, V. You've made mistakes that you need to fix. In the right way. But you don't deserve that.'' All he does is give me a sad look. "Promise me you won't try to save her. _Promise me._ " 

He refuses to meet my eye, to say anything. The silence eats away at me and at the walls until I can hear what's going on outside. Clangs and shrieks of metal being dragged along stone. Voices. Some shrill, some angry.

''You should go.''

He's right, I should. I want to. But I can't move.

He says my name.

I want to ask a question, one he won't answer. In the end, whether he keeps quiet or responds, it'll lead to the same thing. More agonizing. So I head to the door. We both know I won't be back. He says he's sorry again, just once, when there's only a sliver of bars left between us. Though that crack, I tell him I know. 

After the door shuts, I'm unable to fend off the feeling this will be the last time I ever see V. My premature mourning doesn't last long, however. The woman from before didn't stray far, and she appears at my side. She asks me if I'm finished, and when I tell her I am, she guides me all the way back to the dreadful stairwell. A guard slams the door behind me. I'm really alone then. 

Divided on what I should be processing or even thinking, I struggle up the stairs without much in mind. Seeing Saeran waiting at the top nearly sends me back down. 

''You waited.''

He shrugs. I notice then he's wearing what Ray would usually wear under his suit. A white dress shirt and khakis. ''Yeah, well, I'd rather not have to visit you down here.''

Both him and Rika. 

He guides me back to my room, much slower this time. It might have to do with the fact I'm not as quick scaling stairs as I am descending them. But he doesn't complain once. Finally, staring at his back, I process something V said.

_You can trust him._

I almost want to. My life would be easier if I could. But he and I don't have the same goals. And right now, I can't even trust myself.

Preoccupied elsewhere, I almost collide with Saeran when he stops at my door. He gives me a grimace I avoid by stepping inside. It's not as dark as it was when I left, but it's still dim, and I appreciate the lack of stimulation. I return to my earlier seat, the relief of sitting still curbing some of my nausea. Saeran stands across from me, propped against the wall. He doesn't hide his scrutiny of me well. 

''Do I—is there something on my face?''

He pushes himself off the wall. ''He talked about me, didn't he?'' 

I look down at my hands. ''Who did?''

''Don't play dumb,'' he snaps, gripping the back of the vacant chair. ''I know you didn't go down there just to make yourself feel better.''

This is not good for my head. ''No... you're right. I didn't.''

''Then what, what'd he tell you?'' He moves closer, fueling my urge to move away. ''His sob story? That I'm delusional and have to be looked after?''

''No. Saeran, no, of course not. He—I don't even know what happened between you two. He just told me that I can... I can trust you.''

He pauses. His defensive posture doesn't loosen, but he falters just a bit, enough that confusion slips out through his anger. Then it's gone. ''Well, don't. You're a big enough burden as is.''

I try to smile. It probably comes out looking like a grimace. ''Just wait. It gets worse.''

His scowl is definitely a scowl and nothing more. He leans forward on the table, fingers splayed out. ''I don't know what everyone sees in you.''

It's an insult, so I don't know why my face starts to burn. Or maybe that's the fever. Whatever it is, I can't take more of it. I plant my face against the table, avoiding his eyes. ''Oh, you're just all bark, no bite.''

The table rises as he removes his weight. ''You don't want to see my bite.''

''I've dealt with worse.'' 

His shoes get closer to the door, and he huffs. ''I'm leaving. If you need to gag, don't do it in here.''

I hum a half-hearted acknowledgment. He takes it without comment and leaves. The thought of V keeps me company instead.

_''...he's been caught up in this, as well. He doesn't belong here, either.''_

No one here really belongs, but if I have to help someone, then it might as well be him.

❤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wooooo, welcome to the new year  
> i have no resolutions besides finally, FINALLY, finishing this story. i told myself i would finish it in 2019... that was a lie. but honestly im glad i didnt because it was really bad lol
> 
> so anyway, v is behind bars, saeran still currently hates the world, someone is scheming, and finn is conflicted and puking his guts out...  
> nothing new!


	34. I Know Right from Wrong, But I Want to Be Selfish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hellooo, sorry for the late update. life has been busy, and i needed some more time to write and edit some chapters  
> i was shocked to come back to 3,000 hits, but people are out here teasing me with 99 kudos lol
> 
> anyway, this is a fluffy (of course with some angst because im incapable of doing 100% fluff) chapter. finally. and if you feel that its rushed, it is lol  
> that's the vibe i wanted to go for, but i hope it's still enjoyable!

"Hello, Finn. It's lovely to see you." The golden glow of dusk flirts with her, flatters the small snowflakes melting in the waves of her hair. It's one of those evenings where the world looks unreal. She matches it. But I don't need sunlight to tell me she can't be trusted.

"Hello, Rika." A chair sits where it always does, waiting. Its cold, curling metal bites into my hands as I pull it from under the table. She takes a sip of her tea as I sit, only lowering her cup when I'm level with her. I've never once accepted one of her offerings; still, a charming, little teacup is poised in front of me. The flowers etched into it are more manageable to stare at than her eyes. 

"It's been a few days since we spoke. How are you feeling?" 

Exhausted. And that's why I don't bother keeping my guard up. "I've been better." 

She hums and makes a point to finish her tea before speaking. "That's a shame. You know, the party is in four days. I was hoping you were going to tell me you're excited." Her teacup makes a sharp clink against the plate that holds it steady, and she slides it away from herself. It just barely hits my plate, and I watch the liquid inside tremble. "Well, you do have four more days, after all." 

A few snowflakes hit my exposed fingers, dissipating into nothing. I'd rather watch the erratic rhythm of snow falling on my skin than look at her, but she won't say anything else until I do. I glance up. She's staring at the distance, head tilted ever so slightly. Maybe if I was under the influence of whatever her robed followers are, I wouldn't notice the way she seems worn down—the red beneath her eyes and the wrinkles in her clothes.

Usually, I wouldn't mind the silence between us. She's playing a game, after all. But whatever is making my head burn up and my stomach lurch has left me with little patience.

"Would you like me to ask you how you're feeling?"

She shuts her eyes for just a moment, smiling. "No. I've never been one for small talk." 

"Then I'd like to get to the point of why I'm here." 

"Does there have to be a point to everything?" I set my jaw before I can say something unpleasant. She lets out one of those sighs she's grown fond of, small and laced with a bit of exasperation. "I simply wanted to check in on you." 

"I thought that's what Saeran is for." 

"Saeran is busy with what I've asked him to do." Besides his somewhat indiscernible feelings towards me, that would explain his absence for the last couple of days. 

"You should give him a break." 

She shakes her head. Strands of gold free themselves from the nest of her hair. "What he's working on is too important," she says. "And he is not a child. He knows his limits." 

"Just because he knows them," I say, "doesn't mean he's not willing to go past them." 

Her face, previously plastered over by nothing but smiles, falls. It's not yet a frown, nowhere near dangerous, yet there's something in her look that's anything but pleasant. 

"You seem to have grown fond of him." She folds her hands together and places them on the table. "I'd be careful. It's best he focuses on one thing. You wouldn't want to cause him trouble, would you?"

Her threat is so calm and pleasant; it's like we're discussing the sunset. In defiance of my will to not falter, goosebumps prickle over my skin.

"I'm not much of a distraction." 

Humming, her face settles into a thoughtful look. "I suppose. Though I don't think you can ever truly know the effect you have on others." She spreads her arms wide, emphasizing what's hers. What her effect has accomplished. I still don't like to believe I've been roped into it.

"Rika," I start, drawing her attention. "How did you know me?"

She lets out a little laugh, something I've never heard from her. Cheerful and girlish, it doesn't fit her at all.

"I wondered when you were going to question me," she says. "Do you really want to know?"

A part of me doesn't. It wants to stay in the dark and not have to face the truth that I was ignorant and blind to what was going on around me. But knowing her, she'll give the same response no matter what I say.

I nod.

"Well, alright," she says. "Let's just say I like to keep an eye on things. In and outside of Magenta. You caught Yoosung's attention, how could I not notice that? After, it all seemed to work out in my favor."

Her answer is far from satisfying, but I can't say I was expecting much. Even when I've seen so deep into her, she still wants to cling to her secrets. That's a luxury she can have. I want to ask her more, ask her about the little things I've seen that, since coming here, have added up into a bigger picture. The flashes of eyes, the men in cloaks, tents in the trees. But she's the best and worst person to ask. 

"What do you think of love?" 

I've drifted back into staring at my teacup and almost startle at her question. It's out of the blue; I can't ever seem to keep up with her mind.

''What?''

She simply leans forward, chin on her palm, and smiles.

It's something I have no answer to.

Love, a thing to be cherished, discovered, or an illusion and a waste of time. In a romantic sense, I don't think I've ever felt so strongly towards someone. My experiences have mainly consisted of butterflies in my stomach that lead to one night in a bedroom, or nowhere at all because I'm a coward with a penchant for being alone.

In short, I deflect. "Why are you asking?"

"I'm only curious." She brushes strands of hair out of her eyes before taking a lock between her fingers, twisting it without thought. "Such a strong emotion, isn't it? Wars have been fought in the name of love. Lives lost and blood spilled over something so fleeting."

I keep my focus on her hair and the way it spools around her fingers. She looks at me in a way that demands an answer I don't have. "Why are... why are you telling me this?"

"I'm warning you," she says. "Of the effect you have, and of the wars you might cause because of it."

* * *

Cutting through snow and clouds, the wind howls, entwining and breaking, allowing the smallest hint of the moon to crawl across my window seal. It's a lonely sound, the wind, and with no glass keeping it and I apart, it sends a chill straight to my bones. Though I can only thank it for hurrying the snow to fall, cutting my time with Rika short, it seems determined to bury the world in white; I sit and watch as it swallows the dead, dry ground.

Being perched so close lets my nose turn numb. I only meant to cool off my searing head, but I savor every deep, burning breath I take in. Even if it means I have to steal the covers from my bed.

Nights like these don't come around often, something so tranquil and chaotic at once. A dull day and confusing dusk all punctuated by a storm whistling in my ears. I'm not sure I'll be able to fall asleep. And not just because of the snow. It soothed me for some time, but the ache in my head is still there. My bouts of nausea haven't left me, either. Last night, I fell asleep above the covers, sweat clinging to my body, and hoping whoever made me sick was suffering along with me.

My nose now just a bit too numb, I reach up and close the window closest to me, blanket slipping off my shoulders. As I'm pulling the last one shut, there's a knock at the door. With no whistling wind left, it's eerily loud and sends a jolt through me. I don't often get visitors at night, not even at a time like this where the sun only set a few hours ago.

Reaching down to grab my blanket, I say, "Come in." As the door opens, I throw it over my shoulders and wrap it tight around my arms. The familiar sight of a blue rose, and well-kept hair makes me loosen my hold.

"Ray," I say, tone no more than a whisper.

He hasn't seen me for more than a few moments, yet worry already veils his face. "I heard you're ill." He looks me up in down, but there isn't much to fuss over with my blanket in the way. "How are you feeling?"

I nearly tell him the truth. About how relieved and terrified I am to see him, about the aches that plague my body, and the way my heart stammers. But he's frowning and looking me over like there are cracks in my skin. He's too busy with everything and everyone but himself, and I don't want to weigh him down further.

"I'm okay," I say, putting a single hand out to stop the steps he takes closer. "Don't risk catching whatever I have."

Unconvinced and unbothered, he shakes his head firmly. "It'll be all right." He ghosts my side, fingers just barely touching my elbow. "I don't like knowing that you're feeling unwell." With a gentle hand, he guides me to my bed and helps me sit like I might break. 

I look up at him. My face feels hot, and I'm not sure if it's because I'm sick, embarrassed, or because I just noticed how nice he looks from this angle. He crouches down in front of me and slips a hand under my hair, resting it against my forehead. Something warm spreads through my chest. 

"You're flushed," he says, so solemn that I have to let out a quiet laugh. He starts, pulling back his hand, and his eyes dart to mine. Red crawls across his face and ears like firelight against his skin.

"Will I ever recover?"

He pouts ever so slightly. His fingers fiddle with the front of my blanket, and I wonder if he even knows. "Finn," he murmurs. "Please let me care for you."

It's my turn to frown.

Even before Magenta, I didn't like the thought of taking from others. Not a cup of tea, not a sliver of help, and certainly nothing from a snake-eyed woman with hair made of gold. But no matter how many times I fight with myself, the strange man in front of me who I met what feels like so long ago just isn't so strange anymore. And that scares me. 

''Why?"

Glancing down, he tugs softly at the hem of my blanket. His steady breathing reaches my hands through the slips and folds in the fabric. ''I want you to be happy. To know I have some control over whether or not you get better makes me feel good. Like I'm useful.'' 

My lungs forget to expand. The warmth in my chest falters to a chill that makes goosebumps creep across my skin. 

Carefully, I say, ''You are useful.''

''No.'' His grip on my blanket tightens, stealing a few inches from my shoulders. He shakes his head. ''But I... I feel I'm worth something when I'm with you. Any time I'm not, I wonder what you're thinking about... who you're thinking about. If you're eating enough and sleeping through the night.'' He looks up, face rosy with shame. When his name leaves my lips, softly spoken, he shudders. ''You don't have to say anything. Just knowing you hear me, knowing you're by my side, that's enough.''

The hair on the back of my neck prickles. 

I never realized it, all the little ways he tears himself down. His uncanny devotion, the way he prioritizes a request over the urge to sleep. How he'd risk falling ill if it means I can feel better. Past the candy-colored suit and soft eyes, there's something keen and clever I wouldn't want to cross. But even that side of him seems compelled to grovel. It makes me wonder what he really thinks of himself. Me.

''Ray, can I ask you something?'' He gives a small, slow nod. ''Do you trust me?''

He doesn't answer me right away; he stares, searching for something in me that likely isn't there. Then a blush spreads over his face. ''A-ah, I...'' Frowning, he takes a glimpse away, fingers digging so far into the blanket I can feel them against my legs. ''It's selfish of me, isn't it? To ask you for something when I can't do the same in return. I just...'' He looks up at me, eyes shifting between mine. His stare is always kind, filled with a gentle sort of sincerity. Never demanding attention, but begging for it.

Forget butterflies; there's a bird in my chest, and if I don't think for just one moment about what I shouldn't do, I can feel its feathers sweeping along my ribcage. Under his eyes, I suffer the experience of being adored.

When he starts to ramble on, catch up with the silence he's left for too long, I stop him with a small shake of my head.

''It's okay. I understand. Remember when I told you I couldn't trust you?'' 

He seems to think it over, confused. Then his blush deepens, and he begins to stammer. ''Y-yes. I'd forgotten about that...'' 

''You told me the same, that you understood. But you also hoped for me to turn to you, and even now, you still do. And I think I've been unfair to you, receiving your help but never acknowledging it.'' Even in the dim light, I see him swallow. See his chest jerk to a stop as his breath catches. ''Ray, I will. I'll turn to you. I... I trust you to not hurt me.''

A shuddering breath escapes him, and his head falls toward my lap. His shoulders shake. When I set a hand on his out of concern, he takes it between his own, holding it near his heart. I feel it's rhythm, fluttering like it might break from his chest.

''Ray, what's wrong?''

He pulls his head back up to face me, eyes glassed over. ''You're the one hurting, and yet, here I am, receiving something I don't deserve. It's... pathetic. I'm pathetic.''

''No, Ray. You're not. It's okay to want things.''

He shakes his head, harsh and firm. A sign he truly believes in what he told me, that my assurance would be like using a bandage to fix a gaping wound. I'm not sure I know how to comfort people. It can be messy and futile, but I do know what comforts me. Prying his hands away from my blanket, I pull it off and lift it around his shoulders. He grips at where it joins by his neck, and when his shoulders slump and his head tilts to my knees, I let him stay there. He lets me card my fingers through his hair. Brittle, abused, but pretty, and he shudders at my touch.

"Someone as pitiful as me,'' he goes on, a whisper into the blanket. ''I'm just grateful to be breathing." His words hitch, stuck in his throat, and he lets out an unsteady breath. "You and the Savior, you're such kind people, putting up with me."

''Don't say that. You're far from a nuisance, so don't say that.'' I drag my fingers down to the nape of his neck, brushing against the fabric of his collar. 

He doesn't give himself enough credit.

Weeks ago, there'd be no part of me interested in sympathizing with him, let alone comforting him. Even now, it's hard to believe my hands are in his hair without an inch of me prickling and itching to get away. Something happened during all that time; this place changed me. Or maybe it was me, desperate to have someone or something familiar to latch onto. But now, as I think that, as Ray raises his head and lets me see his red-rimmed eyes, I'm not sure it matters either way.

Snow clatters against the window, and I pull my hands back into my lap. His murmured apology is barely audible.

''It's all right. We all hurt.''

He lifts a hesitant hand to my face, brushes his thumb against the rise of my cheek. Even with little light in the room, the affection and fear clashing in his face are clear as day. 

_''What do you think of love?''_

I don't know, and I might never, but if there's one thing I'm sure of, it's that it has no boundaries. I could run and run from the way he looks at me like I'm the answer to all his problems. The way my heart aches at the feeling of his gloves against my skin. And the thought that this is all so incredibly wrong. This isn't a place that nurtures something so delicate, but it's happened. I've stumbled into it anyway. 

I close my eyes and lean forward, letting his thumb slip to my brow.

''A-are you tired?'' he asks. ''Maybe you should get some rest...'' He draws his hand back to himself.

Laughing softly, I open my eyes, meeting his fierce blush. ''I'm not cured yet, though. I told you I trust you, right?'' I untuck my legs and slide right to the edge of the bed, my knees brushing his shoulders. ''So take care of me.'' 

He nearly topples over, trying to stand up, stammering and looking for words he doesn't have. When I reach out to take my slipping blanket from his shoulders, he freezes.

As I tuck my blanket back around me and settle against the headboard, he stands there, a hand clutching his blazer, mouth parted but silent. 

Then it's my turn to blush.

''I-I'm sorry. If you're busy I--''

''No,'' he blurts. ''I m-mean, no, it's okay.'' He won't meet my eye as he sits on the very edge of the bed, pulling at his bangs. ''Tell me what you need.''

''Nothing for now. I just... I'd like for you to stay.''

The past two days, I was miserable. I spent all my time in the bathroom, retching my will and reason into the toilet. Nothing I ate would stay down. I was reduced to drinking cups and cups full of water to curb the way my stomach gnawed at itself. But that too would only come up. At some point, I just started crying on the floor, unable to care anymore. I felt alone, completely alone. Even now, the somber ache I felt for wanting someone beside me lingers in the back of my head.

He gives a small smile. ''Then I will.'' He pulls up a chair and sits. Here, existing, that's the only thing I need him to be.

The storm outside dwindles, turns from something akin to falling stars to frigid clumps of powder that cling to everything it can reach. He asks me then, when the room finally feels like it's warming, if he can hold my hand. I don't question why; I reach out.

He lets me edge my fingers into his glove, let the smooth, silky fabric that hides his hands slip onto the floor. I slide my fingers between his and raise our grip to the ceiling. Against a dim, pink background, our hands are a knot of pale flesh. His long and slender, tendons and veins pushing to be free. Scars on his knuckles. I might've thought they belonged to the same person if mine weren't just the slightest bit smaller. Where the tips of my fingers just about don't touch his. He spreads his hands, and I do the same. Through the web of our fingers, he gives me that soft, shy smile.

''Aren't you tired?''

''I can't tell.''

When it's late, the world goes still. I can hear every little sound. The night outside, the occasional buzz of the nightstand lamp, Ray's soft breathing. It's a faultlessly concocted spell that tells me I want to be one with the quiet, to give in to my fluttering eyes. 

With a thoughtful frown on, he disturbs it by saying, "I should go." 

But he doesn't move. He frees my hand from his but stays seated in his chair.

I ask him, "What are you thinking?" 

He looks down as he traces patterns along my covers. ''I want to do something I shouldn't.''

''Whatever you choose, I won't stop you.''

And I don't.

He stays in his chair until sleep pulls me under.

❤


End file.
